We arrived late in Honolulu, on the island of Oahu, on March 2. Picking us up from the airport was my stepmother, draping a lei around my neck and bearing a bag of food from her mother. She drove us to our hotel where we would be staying for two nights, before we stayed in the condo that she and my father own near Ala Moana. The night sky was warm and inviting, and I felt the warmth sink under my skin and set my senses alight.

We slept deeply that night in the hotel room, opening our balcony to its view of Waikiki Beach and marvelling that the air could smell of salt and history.

The next morning we walked to Waikiki Beach before meeting my stepmother and her mother for lunch. The water was warm, the beach not too crowded. The sun sheltered us in heat and the mood was high. Lunch was dim sum, delicately wrapped balls of tasty goodness, and my stepmother presented me with my birthday present from my father-a loving card choked with cash and a small wrapped box. I opened the box and there on a bracelet was my name in Hawaiian. On the inside of the bracelet was an engraving: "Love, Dad".

In my life I have never gotten anything like it from my dad, and I just love it.

On Thursday we took over the condo in all of its penthouse glory. These were the views from the living room and bedroom (the volcano in the bedroom photo is Diamond Head. Impressive, no?).

The next day we went to Waikiki Beach to swim around. As we dove into the warm and wavy waters, Angus pointed to the beach and we saw an Asian couple tie the knot on the beach, all white tulle and black tux glory. We smiled and watched a while, and then Jeff floated over to me and clung to my back while Angus and Melissa floated together closer to shore.

Jeff and I had been spending a lot of time together. Melissa has always been very much of a Daddy's Girl, and so was constantly addressing Angus, holding his hand, cuddling under his arm, falling asleep on his lap. Either out of just being the other two members or because Jeff is not so aware of the political sensibilities that are involved in liking me (thereby allowing himself to like me), Jeff and I had become close. Closer, in fact, than I had realized.

"Helen," Jeff started, his very blond brow furrowing. "What are you?"

I smiled at the water. I knew this one. "I'm your Daddy's partner. And I am your friend."

"Yes, you are my friend. But you're also like my mother. But you're not my mother, since I already have a mother. You're like my pretend mother, only you're real." Jeff blinked sea water out of his unworldly blue eyes. His explanation was confusing, but I held my breath and didn't dare to interrupt. "So I was thinking. They speak Hawaiian here. I thought what if I called you mother in Hawaiian? Then you are my mother."

That kid. He breaks my heart, often in very good ways. I think he is the most sensitive 8 year-old I have ever met.

And from there on, he called me Mahua (short for Makua-wihena), and I called him by his Hawaiian name.

We spent a lot of time in Hanauma Bay, a natural preserve on the southeast of the island (the north was battered by winter waves, and since I have never surfed in my life tackling the 20ft high surf of the Banzai Pipeline wasn't really in line with my "no suicide" patterns). I had brought my 11 year-old snorkel with me and Melissa and Jeff tried it and were instantly hooked. We went to Wal-Mart and bought them some masks and snorkels, as well as one for Angus, and from then on the whole family was continuously face-down in the water.

There was so much to see-the wildlife was amazing. Trumpet fish, sea cucumbers, Parrotfish the size of Jeff. The fish just swam lazily by us and made us laugh and point and snap photos with our underwater disposables.

That one's my favorite. I swear the fish is mocking us.

Yes, that's me. It is impossible to look cool with a snorkel in your mouth. Impossible.

On March 6 Angus and I obtained ground control clearance from the kids that we could go out to dinner alone. March 6 was, after all, a day of note to us. One year ago that day I walked out of the airport at Heathrow and into the life I lead now, the life in England, the life of Angus, the life of now. We spent the morning doing the most extraordinary thing-we took a boat ride at oh-God-hundred in search of dolphins, which we would get to swim with in the wild (but not touch, as they are federally protected). We joined a group of 12 others and whipped into the waves.

On our way, we saw a Hawaiian Monk Seal floating idly by, watching us curiously. We saw an orgy of sea turtles, 3 males suiting up and hoping to get lucky with the female. We saw a Humpback Whale mother and calf, the little guy constantly trying to get close to the boat and being protectively herded by the mom.

And then we saw them. The pod of dolphins, about 35 strong, near the entrance to Pearl Harbor. The boat driver stopped the boat, inviting us to swim and keep our hands to ourselves, and I was first off the boat, followed by Melissa and Jeff.

And there they were-Spinner Dolphins, their echo location lighting up the water. They swam around us, beneath us, near us. They moved with a fluid I will never know and a peace I dream about having.

Swimming in the water reminds me of the fact that my working life has gone off-track. It helps me realize that I am not happy slaving away for rocket riding gerbils, that this is not the end of the line for me. It recharges my batteries and sinks into my soul and shuts it up temporarily, filling me with sufficient memories to get through the days until I can be in the water again.

That afternoon, elated from the dolphins, we went to Hanauma Bay, only I was riddled with a migraine that called it all short. We also had to cancel dinner, and I crept into bed and was taken care of by everyone-Melissa was mindful to be quiet and sweetly kept Jeff entertained with a story. Jeff slipped into the bedroom and hugged me to help me feel better, and as I cuddled his head, smelling of salt and Prell and licorice, I just loved that he thought to hug me. Angus made us dinner, brought me medicines, and warmed me with his thoughtfulness.

The next day we went out to dinner, to Alan Wong's, an incredible restaurant. The food was spectacular, the service amazing, and they even made us special "Happy Anniversary" menus and a cake.

The next day we took Angus and Melissa to an intro Scuba course. We had signed up on a boat for me to dive, Angus and Melissa to take an intro dive, and Jeff to be led by a snorkelling instructor (he's too young to dive, as of yet, and I don't have the heart to tell him that as an asthmatic, he likely won't ever know the mouthpiece side of a dive tank). Jeff and I walked around while they practiced. We had a Dunkin Donut, I bought him a souvenir and some Scooby-Doo Band-Aids. He held my hand, and when we went to watch Angus and Melissa at the Outrigger Hotel pool they allowed us to watch from the fitness room, which had a window facing into the pool. As they practiced diving, Jeff and I got down to Smashmouth's "All-Star", dancing and laughing in the fitness room.

The dives were called off due to bad currents at sea, so we never did get to dive. We did get to Pearl Harbor (picture below), and we did get to Hanauma Bay (yet again).

On that final day the surf was rough even at Hanauma Bay, so I took a moment to go by myself and challenge the sea and surf and swim alone. To be honest, I needed that moment just of my own, to just see how strong I was and how far I could swim out. I swam in solitude. I recharged my batteries.

I like to think I got a part of myself back, but maybe I'm being naive.

And when I was done I joined the other three and we snorkelled the calm quiet center of the Bay, pointing to fish and enjoying the moment. At one point a large Parrotfish swam near us and all four of us laid flat on the water and just watched. Melissa took Angus' hand. Angus took Jeff's hand. Jeff took my hand. For one moment a Parrotfish linked four people in the water, into a family. For one moment we all just held still and watched a brightly colored fish lead our imagination and unite us as one unit, and when the fish swam away we broke the links and swam away, too.

Some parts of the holiday were hard. Some parts were not relaxing, and a few things really hurt. But some parts were wonderful and hilarious. It was the first "family" holiday, hopefully the first of many. I got to spend it with the love of my life and two very entertaining kids. And the amazing thing is, the kids taught me some things about myself, about my life, and about my own family that I never expected to learn. I know we are not a family, but I love them as much as if they were.

I am Mahua, I am Helen, and I am equipped with full batteries. I am also home now and confronted with real life-off to London today to battle with work. Angus is away on business. Houses, insurance, licenses, doctor visits and other things to deal with. But I have the memories. I have the photos. I have the tan lines.

And I have a print I bought of four snorkellors at Hanauma Bay with fishies nibbling their toes. I bought the print since it shows, in my mind, Angus, me, Melissa and Jeff.

It's a reminder of something special.

-H.

PS-my email isn't working. I can receive mails but can't reply back (server problem, we believe) so I swear I am not ignoring you if you've mailed me!

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:27 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 1816 words, total size 11 kb.

1 How wonderful, my dear. It's always good to charge your batteries back up -- and it sounds to me like your Love Tank is pretty near full, too. Yay, Helen. Yay. *hugs*

Posted by: Margi at March 14, 2005 11:42 AM (lWAiX)

2 Mahua. Wow. That's an amazing gift, and a heavy responsibility. I'm very glad for you. I am very jealous of the vaca though. The wife and I went to Hawaii waaaaaaaaaay back before we were married, and after the first 24 hours we were trying to figure out some way we could live there. It's awesome.

Posted by: Easy at March 14, 2005 01:23 PM (P5lLw)

3 I love that he came up witha special name for you. You deserve it, I think.

Posted by: RP at March 14, 2005 01:25 PM (LlPKh)

4 Absolutely stunning photos, Helen! You were missed

Posted by: Heather at March 14, 2005 01:26 PM (NKtqy)

5 Aww Helen, You look fantastic... emotionally, physically and quite frankly I just love the new pic you've posted. You're hair is really growing fast. :-)

Posted by: KJB at March 14, 2005 01:59 PM (bM413)

6 I'm so happy reading your stories. My heart almost burst when Jeff asked to call you Mahua. Welcome back.

Posted by: Lisa at March 14, 2005 02:09 PM (08k8j)

7 While no vacation is without it's rough patches, I'm glad to hear that you've gotten your batteries recharged and that it seems Jeff and you have bonded really well. Glad to see you back!

Posted by: amber at March 14, 2005 02:14 PM (/ydz0)

8 Damn. Your description of your vacation and time with your family (yes Helen, YOUR FAMILY) was... breathtaking. I've got a week's vacation in Texas coming up and I hope to be able to have that kind of time (too bad no dolphins). And judging from your experiences with Angus and his kids, you don't sound like an outsider anymore. You sound like an essential part of the family.

Posted by: diamond dave at March 14, 2005 02:19 PM (W+urw)

9 Believe it or not, I've got a good case of asthma, and I went diving and it was fine. Chances are, jeff will actually use less air (from having less lung capacity) and will find it easier to breathe under water. Of course, when he's older that is.

Posted by: sporty at March 14, 2005 03:30 PM (NsnoE)

10 oh sweetie, what a glorious vacation you've had. i love the underwater pictures!! xoxoox

Posted by: kat at March 14, 2005 04:11 PM (ejrqO)

11 Sounds like a wonderful vacation. Glad everyone returned safely and I'm sure thouroughly exhausted!

Posted by: Rebecca at March 14, 2005 04:40 PM (ZHfdF)

12 Thanks for sharing so many details and photos and making me feel, for just a little while, like I was gone to paradise, too.

Posted by: kalisah at March 14, 2005 05:18 PM (xT4wZ)

13 Gorgeous! Thanks so much for sharing all that; Now I feel like I went on vacation too! :-) Very sweet about the kids...you know, my kids have recently taken to introducing Dan as their "Bonus Dad". Something Dan is enormously proud of. Lovely lovely vacation. And here's hoping you get the work thing straightened out too. Oh, where were your "girls" while you were gone? I'll bet they missed you so much! :-)

Posted by: Amber at March 14, 2005 05:23 PM (zQE5D)

14 welcome back Helen. I missed you.

Posted by: Marie at March 14, 2005 07:08 PM (PQxWr)

15 blending a family is never easy. treasure those moments w/jeff. i miss those days with the munchkin, when things were so much simpler. looks like hawaii was wonderful. i'd love to go there someday. thanks for sharing the lovely pics.

Posted by: becky at March 14, 2005 07:29 PM (/VG77)

16 I'm pretty sure the fish in the first photo is a particular type of triggerfish known to natives by the stunning name of humuhumunukunukuapua'a (hoo-moo-hoo-moo-noo-koo-noo-koo-ah-poo-ah-ah.) It means something like 'little old woman who grunts like a pig'— referring to an escape strategy that involves a sound very like a grunt. But I could be wrong. It might be another type of triggerfish.

Posted by: B. Durbin at March 14, 2005 08:37 PM (e+pdA)

17 It has taken me this post to specify what I love so much about your writing: You may not believe it, but Helen?--You really know how to enjoy life and how to make the most lasting moments of it. Pearls on a strand, etc. Eventually, you have an amazing necklace. Oh, oh, that Jeff! What a sweetheart he sounds like. You are one lucky (and deserved) woman.

Posted by: ilyka at March 15, 2005 07:25 AM (Bkmg5)

18 Jeepers. All I got the wife for the anniversary was some flowers. You've raised the bar this time. Sounds like a damn good holiday...almost worth traipsing half way around the world for.

Posted by: Simon at March 15, 2005 08:50 AM (OyeEA)

19 Oooh, it's sooo good to have you back! GREAT vacation. Oh, and young lady... of COURSE you are unhappy at work, because you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Posted by: redsaid at March 15, 2005 11:59 AM (clO1V)

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