Yesterday Jeff chopped my knees out from under me and infuriated me. I would talk about it, but you know what? I am so depressed and unhappy I don't even see the point. I get up in the morning and put my robe on and wearily open my email floodgates. I reach the end of the day and routinely have over a dozen voicemails I missed while on other calls. I return the calls, only to get more voicemails. Jeff swooped in yesterday and tried to micromanage and drive me crazy, and when he does come in he makes me look powerless and like I'm his secretary, as opposed to the person that is actually running the project.

There was a point yesterday when I actually informed him I would have to look for a new job. It was that bad. And this morning, in the cold light of day, I am once again wondering if I do need to look for a new job or if I can reach that internal switch inside myself where I say: Look, dude. You're pissing me off and I don't like your management style, but whatever.

I get to work from home today, and by "work from home", I mean "work from home". I have back to back conference calls the entire day, some slots are double-booked. Luckily I am equipped- I have two speaker phones in the household, an enormous pot of coffee and an ulcer the size of Kansas. I had a phone call earlier:

Project Manager: Helen, can you come to the test plant today?
Me: No.
Project Manager: Are you sure? This meeting this morning is going to be a doozy.
Me: I'm sure.
Project Manager: Are you really sure?
Me: Mate, not only would that mean I need to find a way to be in three meetings at once a few times this morning, but I would rather be bleeding out of my eyes than attend the meeting. But thanks.

So here I am this morning in my robe and trying to just dial down the stress. In a moment, I am going to paint my toenails and then pop a Lush Ballistic in the bath and relax. I will open the window wide to let in the sound and smell of the rain outside, and I will light a candle and put it in the window, to listen to it hiss and sputter. I am bunking out of a conference call to take this bath, and I will bunk out of another one when I go to the local doctor's office and have blood taken to measure my FSH levels as we continue down the path to IVF.

Baby steps to babies.

Today Angus is headed to London to enjoy a day with his Dad. They're going to ride trains around London together. I asked him what on earth people talk about while riding trains around, and he shrugged in a cute and sheepish manner and said: Dunno. Bonding-type stuff, I guess.

I'm going up to London for dinner with them and Angus' stepmother. We'd tried to get some theatre tickets, but were divided on what to see-I'm the only one who wants to see Mary Poppins (none of them have ever seen Mary Poppins, ever. Can you believe it? The tragedy! The culture loss! How can it be that there are people in the world that don't know Chim Chim Cheree? It explains why I always get a blank look from Angus when I announce that it's time to play Tidy Up the Nursery.)

They all wanted to see Billy Elliot (which for some reason Melissa and Jeff can only remember as Billy Idiot, so now we all call it that, too). Then the only other option was an Elton John concert, and frankly I'd rather chisel off dried paint with a chopstick than listen to Elton John. Instead it will be a quiet dinner and a train ride home, leading to sleep and (please, God) sleeping in tomorrow morning (we average a wake-up time of about 6 am in this house. We just can't sleep lately).

Tomorrow is Ashtanga yoga, followed by a house viewing. We've found a small older house in the countryside that needs a bit of love, but is well within our price range. It's not in Whitney Houston, but is very close and would mean I'd be using the same train station I use now. This, somehow, is important to me.

I am focusing on the good. Next weekend is a three-day weekend in England so Angus and I are bunking off to France. You know. As one does. We're going to Normandy and staying in a hotel with a balcony overlooking the water. We will see the battlegrounds and the graveyards and we will mourn the tragic and utter loss of life. We will buy too much wine and stinky French cheese and have too much sex. We will try to relax before Angus heads off to Finland and Germany for business meetings.

Two weeks after that we're off to Monaco, and I need to get my ass into some kind of bathing suit shape for that. We have nothing planned after that but my mind is already lilting towards some three-day weekends in August-maybe Rome, Rhodes, or Budapest. Melissa and Jeff arrive in installments throughout June and July, and I know Angus is beside himself that he'll have them for so long. He's investigating getting diving certification with Melissa, and Jeff can practice scuba in a pool that only goes 2 meters deep. We'll have to think of a creative name to call his practice scuba, as something tells me if we tell him he's in the "Bubble Buddies" course he won't be pleased.

I know I wouldn't be.

In the meantime, it's raining. I will buy some plant fertilizer. Our oven has packed up and I will deal with the dreaded estate agents. I have some errands to run (you know, I love running errands these days. I just love it. It means I actually get to be a normal person. Dry cleaning to drop off? I'll do it! Post office run? Count me in!) I will start reading a new book tonight, having just finished the brilliant Middlesex. I will have some vegetable soup for lunch and pet my cats, and maybe at the end of the day I will have found that switch inside of me.

I may be getting to know who I am, but it doesn't mean sometimes my days don't suck.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:32 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 1111 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Turn that switch off. Tell Jeff he better treat you right, or when you become his boss you'll treat him worse than he's treating you now I think this is the first time I've ever responded first. It's about time!!

Posted by: Solomon at May 20, 2005 01:18 PM (k1sTy)

2 If you can't find the switch to turn it off, maybe you could install a timer. You know, fume for 5 minutes, and then maybe the switch would work. It works for me.

Posted by: ~Easy at May 20, 2005 02:10 PM (PuO20)

3 I hate the feeling of "it's time to start looking" but maybe it really is time to start? Maybe you should get a job with my company, they have a branch in London. Then we could be in conference calls together! and I swear I'm more fun than the fuddy duddy's you're dealing with now! enjoy the bath. I wish I had a bath bomb waiting for me at home, but alas... I'm out of Lush products.

Posted by: suz at May 20, 2005 03:23 PM (GhfSh)

4 (((Hugs and love))) All of your trips sound amazing, although you always seem to be on the go...sometimes i just want to grab you by the shoulders and whisper "stop!" the bubble bath sounds lovely...bring some candles in, some music, have a mini vacation. xoxoxo

Posted by: kat at May 20, 2005 05:59 PM (8cFtB)

5 This post made me happy. Although Jeff the asswipe manager is being himself and driving you to a new job, it sounds like you are the beginings of so many wonderful things... A new house, baby, summer, vacations, time with A's kids, gardening, maybe eve a new job. It really IS spring for you, in so many hopeful ways. Yay! Love, E the VP of the MAS, who is planning her trip there as we speak

Posted by: Elizabeth at May 22, 2005 08:59 PM (MYWvr)

6 More power to you Helen! xx

Posted by: Flikka at May 23, 2005 12:13 AM (puvdD)

7 hehe I had other things to say, but I cant stop laughing at the Bubble Buddies class

Posted by: stinkerbell at May 23, 2005 10:21 AM (ZznPv)

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