My secret for the day: I don't occur to my family, and I don't really know how to fix it. I often think if I was prettier, life would be easier. If I was smarter, more successful, maybe I could count for more. There's something so inately shameful about me that it rubs off on my family, and they are ashamed of me, too.

And the truth is, all I ever wanted to do was belong, and the truth is, the very heart of my secret it, I am now dealing with the fact that I never will, that I am the maverick and I need to learn how to live my life on my own, not trying to get them to love me anymore. I don't have to try to please anyone anymore. I need to just accept that this is how it is.

Sometimes things tumble around in my head for a very long time. Things that seemed innocent or misspoken, but which had barbs that I never knew were around. Things that stick and ache and remind me of the status that I really do have in life.

My cousin Nancy's graduation a few weeks ago was a fraught affair since Angus and I were in a terrible argument on the way there. As we passed the miles, we passed the argument, and by the time we parked the car we were both hungry, tired, and worn out from the challenge. We made peace. He bought a sandwich and I bought a take-away pasta dish, and we walked to the church where the graduation was held.

We greeted my family (my Uncle John, Aunt Carol, my grandmother and Carol's mother Teresa who had flown in to see her granddaughter graduate. My other cousin Mary wasn't there, which is a shame, since I think she's a sweetheart) outside the church in the queue to get in. I scarfed down the pasta to the amusement of my grandmother. She looked at me as I popped a cherry tomato in my mouth. I smile wanly. "I was hungry." I say sheepishly. I don't mention the bag of crisps we have stashed in my purse to consume in the duration of the ceremony.

When we get to the front of the line to get in the church, we find to our amazement that we have to go through a metal detector and be searched. Angus looks at me. I look back at him. Everyone in the line, being from military families, simply holds their arms out for the metal detector wand and opens their bags. I, personally, am infuriated. This is a church. This is a church in a country where we are all guests. To subject people-including some Englishmen and women, like Angus, to a search on their own property was, I felt, frankly insulting and paranoid. But he grimly went on with it and we walked into the church.

A teenager to my right hands me a program, and I look at her and say: "Which side is the bride's side?"

She blinks.

"What?" she asks, confused, American accent in place.

Aha. Joke lost then. Angus and I move in and sit down to the left, in the area reserved for the "Other" crowd. My grandmother sits in front of me, next to Teresa. My grandmother is taking a million pictures, and Angus and I smile at each other.

"Isn't Nancy beautiful?" gushes my grandmother. "She and Mary are the most beautiful granddaughters. So beautiful."

I feel my smile freeze into place.

Teresa looks at me nervously. "All of your granddaughters are beautiful." she says, looking at me. "Helen is a knockout, for instance."

My grandmother nods, distracted. Teresa looks at me in a panic, but I shrug and smile. I am used to this.

I am used to not occurring to people. I am used to not occurring to my family. I know I am not beautiful, I know I am only average, but I could do without being reminded about it by my own grandmother. This is the way it has always been. I have always been in the "Other" category. My cousins talk about the countless visits they get from my grandparents, the acres of gifts and cards and emails. I have dropped off the birthday and Christmas card list, but I continue to send them one, because it's not about scoring the most stash, I'm not interested in that, it's about just letting people know that you remember them, that they occur to you.

Someday I will understand what it is that makes me so utterly undesirable, and when that day comes, the liquor cabinet will be raided in a very big way.

Seeing an altar to my side I slip out of the pew. I drop a pound coin in the offering box and I take four candles, and light them. Grandpa. Kim. Egg and Bacon. I light them and say a quick word to them, before hastening back to my seat.

The graduation goes on and on, and it turns out the students that are entering the military get the most applause from the crowd. This makes sense, as it's a military function, and the families are military. Not many graduates are staying in the UK, but a few are, and it makes me smile. We're taking over.

I look at the candles and see that my Egg and Bacon candles are gone. Gone. I see the families near the altar shuttering away with their cameras and I am livid. They blew out my candles! I rage. They fucking blew out my candles to get better shots of the stage!

The graduation completes and I hurry out of my seat to the altar. I have to light two more candles. I have to. They were for my beautiful babies and we are starting IVF the end of the year and I have to tell them how much I love them and ask for their help. I get to the altar and find...my candles weren't blown out after all. They melted faster than the others on the stand. They burned down and blew themselves out and my wishes flew to Egg and Bacon, my thoughts acknowledged with a puff of smoke. I smile, think of Egg and Bacon, and then leave the church.

It's picture time then. A load of pictures are taken on quite possibly one million cameras, and then we head to a pub for a large meal and a pint.

At the pub, Nancy takes stock of her gifts. She has received a veritable fortune in cash and presents galore. She is also holding a silver phone which I gave her. When the family was last over a month ago, Mary was telling me she didn't have a phone at all. I remembered a silver GSM phone I had just laying in the bottom of my dresser, unused. I gave it to her, and she was in fits of happiness and gratitude. According to my Aunt Carol, the phone is still terribly popular, and I am pleased about that. I found another one at work and gave it to Nancy just before her graduation.

I slide over a pink box to her, smiling at Angus. We had worked hard on this gift. Melissa and I had searched high and low for the right gift, and we settled on a beautiful antique necklace in the local antique shop. It was made in 1930 in London, and it was a gorgeous silver chain with sparkly multi-colored crystals. Melissa and I looked longingly at it and many times debated keeping it for ourselves, but in the end we bought it for Nancy and then spent a while trying to find the right pink box for it to go in to show it off.

Nancy opens the box. "Oh. Another necklace." she says flatly. "Thanks."

I am floored. And gutted. That necklace is amazing, and the look of want in Melissa's eyes makes me think that Angus and I bestowed the necklace on the wrong girl.

Aunt Carol looks at me. "Mary would so love that necklace. She's going to wish it was hers! It's beautiful!"

I smile. It seems I bought the wrong thing. I try to chalk it up to the fact that Nancy has a lot on today and received many gifts, that maybe she's just overwhelmed. I can imagine it's a lot to handle in one day, so I tell myself that's the case.

In the end as we're saying our goodbyes, my Grandma tries to give me money, but I don't want money. She insists, and then when she hugs me I have Angus put it back in her purse. I don't want her money. I would rather that she liked me. I would rather I occurred to her.

There's nothing I can do to try to be pretty or gorgeous or remembered by my father's family. I am the disgraced child, the one from the divorce, the one who fell by the wayside. I am the least Japanese looking of all the children and grandchildren, I am the whitest and the furthest away. I will try to bridge more gaps with my grandmother, and maybe if I do so, I will be remembered.

Yesterday I got the chance to nip to the shops at lunchtime. Christmas is 5 months away now, and I have already started buying things for people (I'm one of those people. You know. The kind that is ready for Christmas by Thanksgiving. The kind people hate right around the 24th of December.) I stepped into the antique store that I love-it was chaos. A poncy London couple had come into our "quaint" village and were buying like maniacs, at the £6000 mark and still debating if the antique silver they were looking at would match the carpet. I walked around and saw, there, in the display case (next to the ring I want so much), was another one of those 1930's crystal necklaces resting quietly on a shelf. This one was more simple than the one we gave Nancy, it had fewer stones and was perhaps more elegant. The shopkeeper told me that a woman had a whole set and was selling them off a piece at a time. The next piece to come into the shop would be a bracelet.

I bought the necklace.

I am keeping it.

And when the bracelet arrives, the woman will call me, as I am buying it for Melissa for Christmas.

This is the necklace.

Isn't it stunning?

And in wearing it, I hope to feel pretty too, if just for a day.

-H.

PS-speaking of families, mine is coming over tomorrow as Angus and I host our Second Annual Independence Day. OK, so we're celebrating on the 2nd of July. It's not like we get Monday off or anything, so Saturday it is. We're having my family over as well as a mass of our neighbors. And we bought serious fuck-off fireworks, since fireworks are legal in the UK.

I just couldn't resist:

Come on. "The Wrath of the Gods"? Yeah. That promises to be fantastic.

PPS-Yesterday was a day of internet commerce in my house. I bought a Nintendo GameCube package and an extra game to enjoy while Melissa and Jeff are here. I can't wait until it arrives. And I tried to continue to flex my capital expenditure Internet muscle and order this, but when I got to the end of the process it turned out they won't ship overseas, so there goes that idea. Fuckers.

PPPS-Thanks Emily. I just love it. I hope that it gives me more strength to kick some ass, because big things are coming next week, and I'm going to use Rosie as a security blanket. Love you, too.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:45 AM | Comments (28) | Add Comment
Post contains 1995 words, total size 11 kb.

1 I felt horrible when you thought that somebody had been arrogant enough to blow out your candles. I was so relieved to hear that they had just blown out. Have fun with the fireworks - I won't be celebrating.

Posted by: Hannah at July 01, 2005 09:59 AM (DlnyL)

2 Happy Independence Day!!!!! I'll be doing the same when I move to England...oh yes we're taking over for sure....yanks united...

Posted by: Juls at July 01, 2005 01:35 PM (8gbv2)

3 Curses, Helen! You made me cry at work. I hope no one else comes in for awhile. There are certain people in your life that most certainly do not deserve you and it pisses me off that there's nothing I can do about it. My secret for the day: I have a crush on someone that my cousin had sex with and I'm a little sad that it can't go anywhere. I refuse to have a romantic relationship with someone who has slept with anyone I know or am related to. Anyone got a cure for a crush?

Posted by: Lindsay at July 01, 2005 02:06 PM (9AP/4)

4 I wish there was something I could do for you. Nothing can replace the lost love of family. Just know for sure that it really has nothing to do with you, but with their quality. Build your own family from people that love you. The original definition of family was people who lived under the same roof - genetically related or not. At the very least you have an internet family that loves and supports you and misses you and thinks about you and would never say Helen who? Speaking of family, can you pop over to Northolt and tell my sister if she doesnt call me soon Im having a hit put out on her? Thanks. She'll pay you in alcohol and a hell of a good time!

Posted by: That Girl at July 01, 2005 02:13 PM (gu1Ur)

5 "Someday I will understand what it is that makes me so utterly undesirable,...." No, Helen. Someday you will understand that it is not your burden to bear that your family doesn't regard you at all. Someday, it will occur to you that if you don't occur to them, they're not deserving of your thoughts either and those thoughts will taper off altogether. Someday, you will understand that you are a wonderful and beautiful (yes, beautiful) woman with much to offer and if your own family cannot see that, then fuck 'em. The family you've found in your friends and lover is the only family you will ever need. That you are related to these people is simply a matter of chance, not fate. That you are family with your friends and Angus is a matter of fate and a lot of hard work, not chance. Do not give them power that they do not deserve. Do not give up YOUR power, Hel.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at July 01, 2005 03:00 PM (PQfF5)

6 try here: rei. i think they do international shipping. rei.com

Posted by: becky at July 01, 2005 03:21 PM (/VG77)

7 we can't choose which family we were born into, helen. my mom is wonderful, but the rest of her family ... fug em. make up your own family by surrounding yourself with wonderful friends - people you can choose. stop beating yourself up. it's not what you did to not get remembered. it's that some people don't remember to think outside of their own immediate surroundings. it's not fair, but it's certainly not your fault. and the guys with the jackets & nets? you can't have them yet ... i'm not done resting. but i promise you'll be next on the list. hugs to you.

Posted by: becky at July 01, 2005 03:30 PM (/VG77)

8 oh helen. someday you'll know that it was nothing you did or are that make you "undesirable" to your family. someday you'll realize that those are their issues, although it's terrible that they've hurt you so. um, and yeah, you're uttlerly gorgeous. i know your boy thinks so. and i do too. xoxox

Posted by: kat at July 01, 2005 03:34 PM (xJGrF)

9 I'm so sorry that your family has made you feel like this, but it is not your fault or because of anything you have done or not done. The necklace is gorgeous and I hope you feel sparkly when you wear it. And let us know how those Wrath of God things look when they explode, ok?

Posted by: donna at July 01, 2005 03:39 PM (jiVPj)

10 Well, I know it isn't the same, but you occur to all your blog buddies--otherwise we wouldn't come back. And, when Melissa sees the bracelet--she will know that she occurs to you. Happy Independence Day!

Posted by: Marie at July 01, 2005 04:05 PM (PQxWr)

11 July 4th in London. It was the only time I went to an "American" restaurant or bar. A group of us pub crawling all the "American"-type places and being homesick for a day. Then July 5th, and all was right with the world agan, except for the hangover. I am so sorry about your family. I can't count the times I've been to a family event and felt like I had my nose rpessed against the window of a store I wasn't allowed in. My heart breaks for you. How I wish your family could see what we do - your beauty, smarts, wit, generousity, spirit. If only they knew what they were missing out on. If only.

Posted by: Elizabeth at July 01, 2005 04:41 PM (EMzSS)

12 Enjoy the fireworks. 'Wrath of God' is just an awesome name. See if you can get a pic of one exploding, ok? Myself, I haven't set of fireworks in many years. The show downtown is too spectacular. They pull 2 barges full of fireworks into the middle of the Mississippi river and blow them up. Very cool. As for not being pretty--you do know that you're still on my list, right?

Posted by: ~Easy at July 01, 2005 05:45 PM (muLIB)

13 Families are stuck in ruts by a certain age. I've only seen one change outside of a Hallmark afterschool special. That said, you CAN pick your own family. On my brother's wedding day, my sister and I heard the bride's mother and aunt talking. Basically, who would have though, based on what (my sister-in-law looked like as a little girl) that she would be a beautiful bride. I mean, out of all the girls in the family, who would have expected HER to turn out so nicely on her day? My sister and I were livid and managed a few "well, we've never seen her look anything BUT beautiful" but our mother grabbed us before we could make further comments on the vacuously pretty cousins that acted like bitches from hell. So there! Look for your defenders, they're your family. Love the new picture at the top.

Posted by: Oda Mae at July 01, 2005 05:53 PM (YyMG1)

14 Light the damn fireworks. It's Canada Day!! Then do it again on the 4th. You'll never be the child your family thinks you should be...(we're a very large club)...but it's so sweet being able to choose your *true* family.

Posted by: Jocelyn at July 01, 2005 06:16 PM (MePbh)

15 I have the same kind of relationship with my fathers mother. I hardly ever even refer to her as my grandmother anymore. I finaly got to a point that I don't even care. From what I know she was a lousy mother, so why should she be any better to her grandchildren. It's their loss. Those look like some nifty fireworks! Have fun with them!

Posted by: justme at July 01, 2005 06:44 PM (0EfgA)

16 Oh and I guess this would be an appropriate secret for the day. I dread for the day my grandmother dies now that I am back in NE. I will have to attend the funural. I don't think I could even fake tears. I think that will be the saddest thing.

Posted by: justme at July 01, 2005 06:49 PM (0EfgA)

17 Helen, you are a very attractive woman. If I were your grandmother, your considerable intelligence and creativity would interest me more than your looks. I am glad you found the necklace; it is indeed stunning and I am sure you are stunning in it! I had an odd family; I am adopted and I found out later in life that most of the others in the family hated me because I was smarter, prettier and more creative than they were. They also hated me because my grandmother preferred me to them. They said since I was not a "blood relation" that it hurt them that she so obviously liked me. I was hurt when they said that, and then I realized that the lack is in them, not me. I cannot help how they feel about me and now I do not care. You have a lot ot offer your family, Angus and the world. Do not let their lack of attention bother you anymore. It is their loss!!

Posted by: kenju at July 01, 2005 07:07 PM (Ze7zw)

18 Honey, I felt so sad as I read this because its so damn familiar. However, I can tell you one thing that although I was always the outsider in my family that somehow as I grew older I realized it wasn't me. I am different and not beautiful, or successful, or smart enough by my families standard, but the fact that I am ALL of those things in my own unique way. I'm absolutely positive that you will discover that this is true of yourself as well. In the meantime simply remind yourself that you are unique and just because your family does not recognize this doesn't make it any less so. Its rather unfortunately that primates (and we are of that species) tend to fear and push away members of their group that are different. But think of it this way, human variety is exactly what makes possible all of the incredible things we are capable of doing. So the different ones are actually the blessings of mankind! Bless you and remember as others have said although your family might not acknowledge and/or recognize just how special and beautiful you are, your blogger family does not only recognize you, but applaud the special you that you share with us. Thank you for just being you!

Posted by: dee at July 01, 2005 11:12 PM (sZnML)

19 First, I love, love, love the necklace. I think it may be the most beautiful piece of jewelry I've ever seen. And you know me. I have high tastes. And I'm not the kind of person to lavish comment praise that I don't mean. Not about important things like shoes and clothes and jewelry. Second, I always feel so guilty when you write about "not occurring" to your family. I am on the other side of the fence. I'm the bitch that never calls. Never emails. Too busy to bother. I should feel ashamed of myself when I read your posts, but instead I have the overwhelming desire to explain the other side; to put your mind to rest by explain why it is we ignore you. But then I realize that I ignore my family b/c they're all fucking insane and I don't need their madness and I realize that your situation must be lightyears away from mine. Third, don't the Brittish get pissed when you celebrate independence day? My hair dresser is Brittish and once when I had an appt. following a business trip to Boston I gave him so much shit about revolutionary history. One more thing - the sharks are bullsharks. But last week one girl was killed and a 14-y-o boy lost a leg so I'm pretty sure you would NOT be out there with an underwater camera afterall.

Posted by: kalisah at July 02, 2005 01:31 AM (2VDKW)

20 holy shit that was a long comment. sorry.

Posted by: kaliswah at July 02, 2005 01:31 AM (2VDKW)

21 I have a family like that too. I'd like to say that it started when I entered the twilight zone at 16, but really I just noticed how inconsequential I was then. Actually the story of that realization is kinda funny. If you've seen Sixteen Candles, you know the birthday plot ends late the night of her birthday where everyone recalls they forgot it. Well this happened to me on my 16th, minus the visiting family members and the sister getting married, and the loving talk with Dad. When everyone remembered I got called out to the living room at 10 pm (I was going to bed right then as it was a school night ant there was a bus ride of some length involved in getting there). Anyways I got a bun with a single mini birthday candle stuck in it and a lot of grumbling about not having money after christmas to get my ass a present. No appologies, no hugs, no eye contact, No contact period. We still don't get along for any great amount of time. Holidays, in general make me sad because it would be great to have a family to do stuff with. And NO ONE understands when you say you have nowhere to go and no one to spend the holidays with. It doesn't get easier being alone while having a family that doesn't seem to mind ignoring you. The best defense is making your own family, something you seem to have under control. Now if only I could get something together like that over here I'd not be alone for the holidays Us misfots gotta stick together tho, so if you ever need anything drop me a line ok?

Posted by: amber at July 02, 2005 04:57 AM (9OSDu)

22 In MY eyes, you are absolutely, fantastically, completely and utterly beautiful. (Otherwise you are DAMN good (and consistent) at photoshop! And somehow I don't take you as the type who would pour for hours over every picture you place on your site to make yourself look good. I would if I could, but unfortunately, I'm not tech savvy, hence no photos of my mug on my site!) I sit here on the other side of the ocean, and I'm jealous of you, because you're one of those freaks (said with utter affection, of course!) who has everything: looks, brains, wit, boundless talent... As someone who hasn't had a job (or the ability to find one) in such a long time that I suspect that I'm going to be screwed forever unless a miracle occurs, I absolutely admire you for getting and holding down Dream Job and for doing it WELL. I tried volunteering at an office for a while, just to get out of the house, and nearly fell apart because I found it almost too stressful to perform tasks that would be so mundane to other people! I know you have stress too (and I wish you didn't), but you handle it well. All grace under pressure. I wish I had that ability! Above all, I wish you would know just how much you occur to me! You give so many people inspiration. Please don't ever forget that!

Posted by: redsaid at July 02, 2005 09:15 AM (s+6rI)

23 Very interesting post, it was nice to see inside. But I disagree with how you think you are ordinary. If anything you are out-of-the-ordinary by the pictures you've posted (and that's coming from a boy that likes boys).

Posted by: Michael at July 03, 2005 02:00 AM (3sYDE)

24 How sad. As a parent it's almost hard to believe possible. Your grandmother sounds a rather mean and hurtful lady which is difficult to have in your family. Take care of yourself. Seperate from hurtful situations and surround yourself with people who love you and know how special you are.

Posted by: Joan at July 03, 2005 03:48 AM (7Y1QH)

25 I found you through link at A Cat Named Pi. Your post hit on so many of the issues that I deal with. Grandmothers that worship the ground my other female cousins walked on. I think that is one of the reasons I had such low self-esteem for most of my adult life. I wish I had words that made sense about why family members doted on the other girls in your family but I don't. I can tell you what has worked for me. I needed to walk away from the belief that once someone else accepted me then I would feel beautiful, smart and worthy. I know now it isn't up to them but up to me. It is a long journey but possible. After spending the last 5 years of wanting to accept myself for who I am and what I look like I am in a really good place. I am happy and content with all aspects of the person I have become. Don't let someone else's beliefs of you dictate your life anymore because you will likely feel sad and unworthy for the rest of your life. Hang in there and I hope the words of a stranger have not hurt or offended you in any way. Your post just hit so close to home I just wanted to encourage you,

Posted by: Barbara at July 03, 2005 08:49 PM (bxOjK)

26 I've always lived far away from family, so I don't normally occur to them either. It is so sad and frustrating. You're a beautiful woman in so many ways - I hope they open their eyes and see it someday. Meanwhile, enjoy your necklace and the beauty super-powers it brings.

Posted by: Christine at July 03, 2005 10:24 PM (UO9s5)

27 Helen, having been an Air Force brat and Army wife, there were times when I was forgotten and still am. Sadly it is a fact of life that if you do not live nearby, you don't have a chance to build a history of experiences with family. If you do, it is not much of a history. Helen, you think the problem is you, but it isn't. I sometimes feel the same way. If I look at things with my head instead of my heart, I realize it is not my shortcomings. Rather it is the human trait of self-centerness. Most of the time I say to myself, "It is what it is." But there are times when that doesn't work. So I try to pick myself up and think about my husband, children, and grandchildren. I try to think of the ones that show me they love me and forget about the rest. Easier said than done! But it has to be done as much as possible. Enough of my ranting. Anyway, hang in there, Helen!!

Posted by: Donna at July 04, 2005 03:48 PM (nFXDa)

28 I just found your site today. This post made me sad but it was also familiar. I do not really have a family other than my husband and kids. I have no contact with my mother who deserted us when I was 18 months old. My father remarried many times to women who dismissed me. He finally married a woman who was more like a sister than a mother to me (she is not much older than I). He died several years ago, and although they invite me to various family functions, I still feel like I don't fit in. They evidently do many things together without us, and when we are with them, I feel like I don't get the "inside" stuff...you know what I mean? I will be 42 in 10 days, and my dad married her when I was 16, so you would think I would feel different, but I just do not feel a part of their family. We get looked over quite a bit. It's sad and I hate it because I would so love to be part of a big tight family. I have told hubby many times that we will just have to create this for ourselves when our kids marry and have their own kids (hubby's family only consist of his mother and his sister, the rest have passed away). I understand where you are coming from and it upsets me that others have to feel like I have felt so many times in my life. You hold your head high girl because you are fabulous.

Posted by: okgirl at July 04, 2005 05:43 PM (yfJ3u)

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