And because I have a serious and desperate need to get away from it all and have some sun, sea, sex and sangria, we are off today.

That's right.

Time to collect on that Dream Job award as Angus and I fly off for a long weekend in Monaco.

I'm ready-strappy sundresses, floaty skirts, a new and gorgeous swimsuit (I have moved back into the safety zone of the one piece tank. That time has come again), huge sunglasses, big hat, and for this black tie event we have to attend on Saturday, I am wearing That Fucking Great Blue Dress. Yes. That one. We arrive in the afternoon in Nice and are taken in a special convoy to our 5 star hotel in Monte Carlo (Monaco), where we can chill by the pool before attending a dinner. On Sunday we are taken in vintage cars to some wine tasting event in the French countryside. Saturday will be spent bunking out of activities and just being together, and for both our sakes, I hope we unwind and groove into the romantic zone.

Helen is hopeful for much handholding and doting, really.

Helen is feeling needy and just a little bit blue.

It happens.

We are already walking around the house trying to feel posh.

"Darling, would you like some coffee?" I ask Angus as he gets out of our sit-down shower. I am dressed in a T-shirt and boxers and Mumin is crying for cheese in the kitchen. I know it's her in the kitchen-not only does she always want cheese, but I took Erin's advice and she's currently wearing three bells on her collar (and nope! No mice yet!)

Angus sighs dramatically as he drapes a towel around his waist. "Fine, but maybe we don't need the smoked salmon and caviar until lunch."

I feign shock as I wing an errant tampon wrapper into the trashcan. "But darling! I've already had Geoffrey take them out for our breakfast."

"Oh, fine." Angus says, acting put out. "We'll just have the oysters for lunch then. Have the helicopter brought round, can you?"

I head downstairs, passing Maggie the Wonder Cat as she tries to catch and eat a fly. "I'll just ask Geoffrey about the coffee then, shall I?"

"Indeed."

I walk downstairs imagining I am wearing Prada instead of Gap. It almost works.

We are not posh, but at least we know how to pretend to be.

See you Tuesday.

-H.

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