OK, so two things have unfolded on the work front that make me want to swing my head around and check and see if there's any water pooling up in the ear canals, or anything like that, since it's just so fucking bizarre.
The first: Sitting in my pajamas yesterday with a cat on my lap and a plate of peanut butter crackers (Dear Queen Elizabeth: Please see what you can do about asking Big Tony to import Reduced Fat Jiffy. Some of us want to make sure our tiaras always fit, ok?), I was reading work emails. The cat, who was having Reiki vigorously applied to her shoulders, was purring contentedly and making biscuits on the tender skin of my wrist, and despite my ass completely falling asleep I wouldn't have moved to save my life. An email popped up on my screen with an attachment. Being an icon of the Pavlovian response, I opened it.
And lo and behold, there in writing, I see that I and my team have won a second award for my rocket riding gerbil. There in writing, I see that I have been given money again and the chance to win a trip next year like the Monaco trip I got this year (I won't win, I know I won't win, but heck, it's nice to be eligible, anyway. I may not get to sit at the bar, but at least I don't have to use fake ID to get there).
And there, in writing, was the word "Thanks".
It made my fucking day.
The second: The Hand Herpes has slowly faded, and just in time for a major event at work. An event so surreal that I can't actually believe it's happening. An event so huge that I am not remotely nervous because it just doesn't feel real.
Hi.
My name is Helen.
I was raised in military housing, housing where you weren't allowed to paint the eggshell white walls and you'd soon be moving on anyway.
I went to an inexpensive university and am co-owner of two pre-loved cars.
I don't even own the house I shag the lovely Angus in on a regular basis.
And I've been asked to do what I know is quite likely the biggest event in my career so far. I have been asked to do a demonstration of my rocket riding gerbil today. I am dressed in a long and professional business suit and that amazing vintage necklace. I am going to try to arm myself with confidence to surround myself with the fact that I just can't believe it's all real and despite the fact that I'm the poster child for low self-esteem. I'm a simple girl in this very un-simple world, and I just can't get my head around this.
I have to demo my rocket today with some of the men that made my life a living hell three weeks ago (and as a side note, my ringtone? Yes, I have a new one. I have downloaded the truetone of the infamous James Brown song It's a Man's Man's Man's World. It's called irony. I will not take this sitting down anymore). But this time, I think they're nervous, too. This time, I hope they let me go about things and give me some space.
I have my demo today.
At Westminster.
To Parliament.
-H.
PS-no, I am not kidding, on drugs, or delusional. But any one of those three might make this seem easier.
PPS-really not kidding. My devouring of Tums can attest to it.
1
WOW!!! Can you see if you can get a gerbil up Tony Blair's nose? That would be way cool ;-)
Good luck H, knock em dead
Posted by: Rob at July 06, 2005 11:17 AM (kXZI6)
2
You're gonna do so great, Helen! Remember, they put their pants on one leg at a time after theyre done with the hookers, just like everyone else.
Posted by: That Girl at July 06, 2005 11:41 AM (gu1Ur)
3
Congratulations, Helen! I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead. Or, you know, if not? It won't be for lack of trying.
Go get 'em, girl!
Posted by: scorpy at July 06, 2005 12:51 PM (DdK2O)
4
I think I just started hyperventilating for you. You'll be fantastic! Can't wait for the full report.
Posted by: karmajenn at July 06, 2005 01:46 PM (fx1A8)
5
You'll do just fine and besides, now that the Olympics are headed for LONDON--all the politicos will be in a good mood no matter what. Good luck.
On a side note: I call the little move that your kitty was doing the 'Paw-paw'dance. And, have you ever noticed that cats sleep in the shape of the letter C?
Posted by: Marie at July 06, 2005 02:02 PM (PQxWr)
6
NOW you've got our attention! I wish you the best luck in Parliament.
I wanted a good funny thing to say, but That Girl said it all!
Posted by: kenju at July 06, 2005 02:02 PM (Ze7zw)
7
Fucking woderful! You will knock the socks of them. Good luck, and have an extra pint after this is over. J
Posted by: jennifer at July 06, 2005 02:14 PM (F8TUc)
8
Go kick some ass, Helen! We, on the other side of the pond, are rooting for you!
~ Paw Paw dance ~ I love it, Marie!
Posted by: Ice Queen at July 06, 2005 03:00 PM (Ct/0E)
9
Whoa! That is wonderful! Best of luck!
Posted by: Gabriella at July 06, 2005 03:16 PM (jP2SQ)
10
Take pictures! Oh and make sure to ask Tony what he really thinks of Bush
Posted by: emily at July 06, 2005 03:33 PM (6RZ2o)
11
Damn! If I'd know you flying in such rarified circles I'd have washed my hands before I sat down at the computer.
Knock 'em dead, babe!
Posted by: ~Easy at July 06, 2005 03:45 PM (muLIB)
12
Knock 'em dead babe! Can't wait to read about it tomorrow! Mwah!
Posted by: amy t. at July 06, 2005 03:46 PM (zPssd)
13
Oh good luck and brake a leg as they say! I can't wait to hear how well and great you did tomorrow. Cause, I know you will!!!
Posted by: justme at July 06, 2005 03:47 PM (UhnOh)
14
wooohooo helen! we all know you're going to kick some parliament ass! :-)
we're all rooting for ya here in the peanut gallery.
*muah*
Posted by: kat at July 06, 2005 04:09 PM (tKEYX)
15
You GO girl! that is so amazing! You'll do great, I know it!
Posted by: dani at July 06, 2005 04:45 PM (iJe7b)
Posted by: pylorns at July 06, 2005 05:06 PM (FTYER)
17
Things are going to go great! And if they don't, atleast you'll have gotten your recommended serving size of calcium for the day. Seriously, Helen..You're going to do absolutely wonderful. ENJOY YOURSELF!
Posted by: Lindsay at July 06, 2005 06:28 PM (9AP/4)
18
First the Demostration and then the Olympics.
I was watching CNN and they were talking about new products and they discussed one that seem fairly familiar to what I think your doing. If so it looked awesome.
Good Luck
Posted by: Drew at July 06, 2005 06:31 PM (CBlhQ)
19
I'm sending you all my love, girlfriend.
You are woman, hear you RAAAAARRRR!!
Posted by: Margi at July 06, 2005 06:48 PM (nwEQH)
20
Woah. Parliament.
That, Helen, is waaay cool.
Posted by: Victor at July 06, 2005 07:20 PM (L3qPK)
21
OMG what a day huh?! Olymics and Parliament demonstration!!! I'm sure it went well!!
Posted by: Juls at July 06, 2005 09:48 PM (8gbv2)
22
GO HELEN! I hope it went well. I am so proud of you - in a non-patronising way!
Abs x
Posted by: abs at July 07, 2005 09:22 AM (+gJH8)
23
Helen, are you ok? You and yours? Anxiously waiting for a comment or post from you.
Roger
Posted by: Roger at July 07, 2005 11:27 AM (LHO5G)
24
Hearing the breaking news about Central London, Thinking of you and your team. Hope you are all ok.
SAs
Posted by: Sasoozie at July 07, 2005 11:40 AM (H8Lg2)
25
Helen, I've just seen the news flash re bombings in London. Hope you and your loved ones are all safe.
Posted by: Mia at July 07, 2005 11:42 AM (ya59J)
26
that's awesome, Helen! way to go!
watching this awful news too.. I do hope you're all ok
Posted by: melanie at July 07, 2005 11:51 AM (LLkYB)
27
Woke up to the aweful news of what happened over there. Just wanted to make sure you are safe and sound.
Posted by: Drew at July 07, 2005 11:59 AM (sW2xV)
28
Re: bombing... I'm sure you'll post when you can. For now, I'm winging good thoughts your way. And keeping my fingers crossed on all fronts.
Posted by: scorpy at July 07, 2005 12:47 PM (fz9WQ)
29
Anybody know what time Helen usually posts? It is 8:00 am est in PA,USA. Would like to hear from Helen real soon.
Posted by: Roger at July 07, 2005 01:00 PM (LHO5G)
30
Yeah, i'm with Roger.
Hope to hear from you REAL soon.
Posted by: tommy at July 07, 2005 01:10 PM (OJ+GI)
31
Been watching the news this morning--searching for both you and your man's faces. I hope ya'll are o.k. My thoughts are with the you and the British folks this morning. Whatever I can do to help--I am just a hollar away.
Posted by: Marie at July 07, 2005 01:10 PM (gHxGI)
32
Add me to the list of people sending good thoughts your way. You were the first person I thought of when I heard the tragic news. Hope we hear from you soon and that all is well.
Posted by: B at July 07, 2005 01:16 PM (TQHLW)
33
Helen, I praying that you and Angus and everyone you hold dear are fine. Please, if anyone hears from Helen, let us know.
Posted by: Lindsay at July 07, 2005 01:27 PM (9AP/4)
34
There's no way you can use a cellphone here at all today...and I DO hope that both of you are ok. I've been tracking down friends all over the place during the morning today to make sure they're ok.
So far so good.
C.
Posted by: croxie at July 07, 2005 01:31 PM (Bu9fp)
35
Helen, I just got up and saw the horrible news. My very first thought was Oh I hope Helen is OK!! You and Angus are in my thoughts and prayers as are all Londoners today. I think you are lovely and can't wait to read that you are safe and sound. Please let us know as soon as you are able!!
Posted by: keira at July 07, 2005 01:48 PM (lXI/v)
36
Helen, we're all hoping you are ok. Like others, my first thought upon hearing of the attacks was as to the safety of you and yours. Please, if you are unable to post but can call someone (Emily?), let them know you are safe so that we can know you are ok.
Posted by: Ice Queen at July 07, 2005 01:52 PM (Ct/0E)
37
long time no comment...i hope you are ok over there..sending love & thoughts
Posted by: nisi at July 07, 2005 01:59 PM (ep+Mh)
38
Thinking of you, hoping everything is OK.
Posted by: karmajenn at July 07, 2005 02:01 PM (fx1A8)
39
Desperately eager to hear that you're okay. I've been looking up London addresses for Dream Job to try to find out if they're near the financial district. So far so good.
Posted by: Jim at July 07, 2005 02:05 PM (tyQ8y)
Posted by: Lily at July 07, 2005 02:10 PM (JNjfv)
Posted by: Ted at July 07, 2005 02:56 PM (blNMI)
42
Hi Helen,
I have been ringing round my family and friends, making sure they are all ok, if shaken and thought of you too. i really hope you are ok petal, please let us know!
Abs x
Posted by: abs at July 07, 2005 03:04 PM (+gJH8)
43
I thought of you immediately. Im so so sorry, I hope you are okay and untouched directly by the terror. Although we're all touched by something so sensless and wrong.
Posted by: Ravyn at July 07, 2005 03:06 PM (IjwOc)
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