I got an email this morning from my father. My father, the man whom I am closer to now than I likely ever have been. My father, with whom I have a relationship that is perhaps not the usual father-daughter relationship, but it works for us and I love him.
I've decided I think the expression is complete bullshit.
Time doesn't do a fucking thing besides come running with rebar and concrete pilings to shore up the dam walls of resentment and awkwardness. When you are someone like me, with a Swiss cheese memory and the inability to let pain go, time only makes life worse. Time is the enemy. Time is the one you spend time circling in the tiger pen, hoping to catch it by the tail.
Time has passed and I still can't get over what happened at work. I am still very depressed about it, and I still have apathy the color of yogurt painted all over me. I can't focus, and I am now afraid to be myself, when previously I have been so proud that who I am at work is who I really am.
Time has passed and I continue to miss my Grandfather, Kim, and Egg and Bacon. I light candles for them in churches I pass by. I continue to long for Egg and Bacon to be tumbling by my side, holding on to my ankles and taking up space in my smile. And as far as my Grandpa and Kim go, I just wish I could talk to them both and say hello. And I wish I could forgive them for dying on me.
When it comes to some other areas of my life, time isn't healing the wounds. It's making the scars thicker and more permanent. It's making a callous form so that I can't even feel the pain anymore.
Time doesn't heal. It just covers up. And that cover up never goes away.
I've decided that it's secrets week. Secrets, which tear through the skin, get to be revealed this week. I am sick of my secrets and I am sick of the fact that for so long I had to choke on them, because I can't talk about things, because I wasn't allowed to talk about things. For this week I am removing IP tracking on my blog and allowing anonymous comments, so you can leave a comment with impunity and under a secret name if you want. Any comments that attack Angus or that have come from my family will be removed, but the rest can stay. This week I am going to let out one secret everyday, and if you want to join me, that'd be great, as this is something that I think will help me right now. Any kind of secret, be it dark or light. Mine will be both.
Today's secret, it turns out, is a bit dark.
January 2003 saw me try to kill myself in the darkness of an upstairs bathroom. It was a mistake, but one which made me wake up. It was the last time I will try to kill myself.
But it was not the first.
-H.
1
This is all a little like that
Postsecret site.
On time heals all wounds, you need to think through it a little more. While the initial pain of the wound may ebb, the scars remain forever.
Posted by: Simon at June 27, 2005 10:19 AM (GWTmv)
2
That interview was the coolest. I always thought you were just one of those people who "naturally" opened up and shared bits of herself--I guess I had no real idea how much fear and anxiety you overcame to write this thing. That's both a confession of my ignorance and a compliment to you--you make it look so easy and natural.
Secrets: I really did mull this over for at least 15 minutes. I don't think I really have any. I talk too much and I tell everybody everything without thinking of the consequences. I have things that are very private but I don't know that even those are secrets, since a handful of people I trust know most of those too.
Nonetheless I am sure I will enjoy dining at the Fucked-Up Cafe. I have a bad feeling it is going to be one of those weeks, you know? I'll need all the Fucked-Up appetizers I can get.
Posted by: ilyka at June 27, 2005 10:36 AM (PSav6)
3
Some days are worse than others. But some days I have to keep myself from going into the bathroom and stabbing myself to death. Some days I want to die very badly, Instead I smoke a cigarette and feel really terrible about myself.
Well, you started it.
Posted by: That Girl at June 27, 2005 11:28 AM (gu1Ur)
Posted by: LarryConley at June 27, 2005 12:00 PM (Rd72B)
5
Postsecret did come to mind. And I have been thinking about secrets alot in the recent past. Heres one: Sometimes I imagine I have superpowers, like the ability to stop time and keep moving. I´m past 30. I´ve been told that mentally I just reached 12.
Posted by: M at June 27, 2005 12:18 PM (uEc6O)
6
All wounds heal, whether they are physical or mental. However, if they have not healed correctly they can be debilitating.
We're all a collection of scars.
*big hug*
Posted by: ~Easy at June 27, 2005 01:15 PM (muLIB)
7
Thats not a secret... you have elluded to it before in previous posts... ie the reason you started this blog...
Posted by: pylorns at June 27, 2005 01:40 PM (FTYER)
8
I suspect that my middle child is actually my ex-husband's cousin's.
I almost aborted my youngest child but couldn't go through with it.
Sometimes I have flashes of my children laying in pools of blood, having been stabbed over and over.
Sometimes I want to kill myself, especially when my oldest and I fight.
My father molested me when I was little.
I pinched a little boy's penis hard when I was 7.
That's enough secrets for today.
Posted by: at June 27, 2005 02:03 PM (8ePZ6)
9
I have a blog but I don't tell anyone. Only a close friend and one other person that I don't personaly know has the IP address. I am afraid that if I give it out people will know just how messed up I am, and my life. And that they will confirm my biggest fear. That its all my fault, I did it to myself.
I am not suppose to be messed up.
Posted by: justme at June 27, 2005 02:30 PM (NIGUW)
10
I've always hated that expression too. time will never completely heal all of the shit that my father put me through as a child. time may help me forget some of it, but the wounds will never be completely healed.
Posted by: girl at June 27, 2005 02:44 PM (olEaj)
11
.. great interview, Helen... excellent...
Posted by: Eric at June 27, 2005 03:02 PM (YlwMq)
12
Whenever the urge to have another child pops up, I masturbate while my daughter is asleep then clean up and look at her. *Poof* I have a 2 year old, without having to go through the pregnancy.
It keeps the urge to have another child subsided for awhile.
Posted by: ba at June 27, 2005 03:03 PM (s6K2p)
13
Pylorn-the fact that I attempted it once is a common fact on my blog. The fact I have attempted it more than once I have never talked about.
Posted by: Helen at June 27, 2005 03:28 PM (6DKcA)
14
My dad once had his girlfriend live with my mother and the rest of us when we were young.
I feel uptight sexually. I really wish I wasn't.
I called my ex repeatedly at horrible hours. I wanted to talk to him but when he answered I was too chicken shit to say anything.
Posted by: at June 27, 2005 03:57 PM (YGSVA)
15
((((Helen))))
You have given me a lot to think about.... how I hurt for the woman who didn't want to be alive anymore.
Thank you for being brave enough to say so.
Posted by: Elizabeth at June 27, 2005 04:10 PM (+OvEk)
16
Helen, well done on the article.
As a long time reader i feel 'attached' to you, i am so utterly sad that you had to go through this terrible sadness, lostness, more than once. I hope this doesnt sound patronising or insensitive as i don't really know you at all.
I once blogged but was never really brave enough to write as you do, maybe another time, however until then i don't think i am brave enough to post a secret.
Abs x
Posted by: abs at June 27, 2005 04:12 PM (+gJH8)
17
I'm a 26 year old female virgin. I've been a virgin so long that it's almost been too long. It's difficult for me to tell someone that I'm a virgin and that just keeps me a virgin longer. Yeah, major issues. I know.
Posted by: at June 27, 2005 10:16 PM (9AP/4)
Posted by: at June 27, 2005 11:08 PM (4dWnl)
19
I told a lie which caused someone to be killed... and I live with that everyday.
Posted by: at June 28, 2005 01:02 AM (puvdD)
20
I want to see you naked.
Posted by: at June 28, 2005 01:29 AM (sW2xV)
21
I have had 25 jobs that I can think of, offhand. I've been fired 5 times. The last time I was unemployed, I spent 6 hours in my car in a parking garage, hiding from my roommate. That was two weeks ago. I'm 30.
Posted by: at June 28, 2005 02:20 AM (JfOCG)
22
I really don't like Helen personally. I think that she seems conceited, so I take joy when bad things happen to her (as they are want to do). I wish I had a good job like that.
Posted by: at June 28, 2005 07:49 AM (6DKcA)
23
i first thought of committing suicide when i was 12 or 13. did not do it and have contemplated it eversince.
i am close to being incontinent. my insides are filled with shame with this and other things about me.
Posted by: at June 28, 2005 07:36 PM (hRxUm)
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