A year ago I was struggling with Christmas. I had in myself the sad and commanding sounds of being a grown up, the demands that Christmas should be catered to as an alter to tinsel, shopping, and commercialism. Christmas was for kids, and I was a kid stuck in a grown-up's body, thus I was on the adult side of the fringe. I wasn't a Scrooge, I didn't despise the holiday, I just didn't feel that holiday cheer infection that Hollywood, staring down the banister at Santa Claus putting presents under the tree, or a philanthropist feels. Christmas had left me behind.

But at some point last season, I got Christmas again. I thought back on my history with Santa Claus and I decided that the whole season, it didn't have to be lost just because I had grown up, and grown up dark and bitter inside. Santa came to visit, the holidays passed, and I learnt that Christmas is something you have to work on, to want, to need.

Two weeks ago I went to visit my psychotherapist, a man that I trust instinctively, a man that I know is the only one who can get me through the maze in my head, a man that I know, at some point, I may turn against as the whole sordid mess starts to come out. In that visit, one thing was uttered to me that split the foundations of the walls I had put up so many years ago, walls I was busy re-inforcing with titanium, as a new millenium dictates new materials to keep me well away from the world and from myself. I had a falling apart that I saw ran in parallel lines to the one in Good Will Hunting, and when I watched that scene I felt raw and chafed inside.

My therapist told me I am described as "walking wounded". I told him my own description of me is "an imposter of the living." When I told him that, he broke down and told me that he hadn't heard anything so awful in a long time.

Welcome to my world, Doc.

Two weeks ago there was a change, and now I find I am, unbelievably, different inside. My Christmas Carol series was based on this change, this rumble and roar inside of me is something I can't figure out, but somehow I am seeing the world differently. I don't know why. I can't figure out what's changed. But something has, and in the early stirrings of rubble I see that I am still so completely broken and fractured, but I have been reached inside and someone knows that I am in here.

We have a very long, very painful road ahead.

But I've seen the difference a day makes.

Two weeks ago my doctor drove through the first defences, and inside I can feel it. Although I am far from fixed, something inside of myself has started to stop loathing the very sight and feel of me with every ounce of her being. Instead of being scared, instead of running (which I am so good at, so adept at strapping on those running shoes), I'm going to go on until every last fucking cobweb is removed. I'm going back to the beginning. I owe it to myself, or more to the point, I owe it to the little girl inside of me, the one I locked in there and never let out as I punish her and myself for being so fucking awful.

Freaky shit, really.

So two weeks ago my eyes opened just a bit. I may be an imposter of the living, but my finger? It's real. It's alive. It's just a matter to get to the rest of me.

And I have Christmas this year. I have it buried in my heart and head and that living little finger. I see the Christmas decorations and I love them. I sing carols all day and I have the house decorated and Christmas is the most fantastic of all seasons. I actually love Christmas and hold it deep inside my heart, wrapped in a layer of quiet and reverence.

A week ago I was in Covent Garden shopping. There was a singing group downstairs, playing with brilliant light, and I stood at the banister and listened, silencing my phone, my Blackberry, my heart. They played magnificently, and when they put their instruments down and announced that they were going to sing O Come All Ye Faithful acapella, I knew it would be good. And as the sound soared and carried across the halls of Covent Garden market, it was. It reached in and enveloped the hardened parts of myself, the sadness and sweetness of Christmas around my legs like a cat, around my through like a scarf. When they were done, I was crying, and it was Christmas, it was Christmas, it was Christmas.

Christmas is in 4 days. I can't wait, and as I look forward to it, I wonder what's next, both in the holiday season and in that quiet room I talk to my therapist in. What happens to walls? What happens to the person that I have for so long thought I was, that horrible disgusting loss to humankind? What happens now that blue is no longer blue?

If I can be redeemed, then we all can.

Merry Christmas to you all.

-H.

PS-and you may not believe it, but that angel on the table I talked about in my Christmas Future post? She's real. My grandmother gave it to me years ago. I pulled it out of the box this past weekend, and I was floored to see that her wing has, indeed, been broken. I couldn't believe it, it was just like I had written. She is going to be repaired, and will be a part of many Christmasses to come. There is hope again for her.

Sounds familiar.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:11 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 995 words, total size 5 kb.

1 A Merry Christmas to you and Angus!

Posted by: justme at December 21, 2005 11:06 AM (g6C7Q)

2 It is hard to type with the tears welling up, but I think the last two paragraphs are wonderful. There is always hope, Helen, the real, the hopeful, the worthy you is inside and although enveloped in titanium, as you say, those walls can be melted. If it takes Christmas music and a good therapist to do it - so be it. Keep that spirit of Christmas as long as you can, and I sincerely hope it will be the best one you have ever had. Your angel is beautiful, wing or no wing. The formerly damaged and lovingly repaired are no less beautiful (or meaningful), Helen, and that applies to you too.

Posted by: kenju at December 21, 2005 12:09 PM (+AT7Y)

3 Let it rumble and roll. I know exactly how you feel - and the rumbling is a sign that the therapy's working. Can't have world-altering change without a little earthquake, now can we? I'm so, so happy and hopeful for you. Merry Christmas.

Posted by: klo at December 21, 2005 02:47 PM (eY2Ws)

4 Think of it this way, Helen, you've kicked aside enough rubble to find a safe perch, and from there you can build a solid path forward to the rest of your life. What a wonderful Christmas present you've given yourself. All the best to you and Angus and the kitties!

Posted by: caltechgirl at December 21, 2005 05:24 PM (/vgMZ)

5 Merry Christmas, Helen. May you and Angus experience more joy than you thought possible.

Posted by: physics geek at December 21, 2005 05:36 PM (Xvrs7)

6 Thank you!! For months I have been walking the razor edge of depression and with Christmas coming it has been harder and harder to keep from falling in. I have found refuge in anger and that has kept me from the pit. However, it has been none too easy on my kids when Mommy seems to get angrier and more irrational the closer Christmas gets. I have been solidly not into Christmas and haven't even been able find the way to fake it for them. I have been avidly reading your past present and future posts and appreciating them for the fears and hopes they reflect in my own life. I must thank you for them and also for this one. With this post you have reminded me how magical Christmas is, this year, when I really needed it. Thank you so much for your wonderful writing. I don't know if you're aware of how much good you do for your many anonymous readers, but for this one you have brought the light back to the season. Have a wonderful Christmas and may it only get better next year and all the years that follow. You deserve it!

Posted by: Cathy at December 21, 2005 07:18 PM (Oq01x)

7 aww, your angel is beautiful! somehow she looks like you.

Posted by: kat at December 21, 2005 08:53 PM (DLLH+)

8 The "little girl" you inside is going to be really happy when you finally let her out again and give her a little love and validation. :-) Good on you. And the doc. YAY! and Merry Merry Christmas to you and Angus and the kitties!

Posted by: Amber at December 21, 2005 10:52 PM (zQE5D)

9 "Christmas is in 4 days". Actually its not ;-), it arrived early. . Here half hour old. Merry Christmas, Miguel.

Posted by: Miguel at December 22, 2005 01:04 AM (Cm29W)

10 Merry Christmas! Have a wonderful rest of the season. Congrats on your good work so far, and best wishes as you continue on the journey.

Posted by: sophie at December 22, 2005 02:45 AM (yZwDD)

11 You are real. Christmas is real. And The Muppets and John Freakin' Denver is real, too. Listening to it at work tomorrow, oh yes. With little fairy lights. And Happy Christmas to you too. May God Bless us, every one.

Posted by: B. Durbin at December 22, 2005 05:44 AM (TTI6+)

12 *sniff* How great hope, and love, and faith can be.... this post has given me such great, great joy for you.... Merry merry MERRY Christmas to you and Angus and the kids and the 4-footed furry ones.

Posted by: Elizabeth at December 22, 2005 01:18 PM (oTjYW)

13 Merriest of Chirstmas to you, and especially to the little girl inside of you. Christmas is all about believing-most importantly in yourself.

Posted by: Teresa at December 22, 2005 03:29 PM (zf0DB)

14 Blue will always be blue. It just will cease to be a mode of living (for the most part) and become a beautiful part of the rainbow. You will come to find that you will always be a little more sensitive, a little more prone to the "blue thoughts." But you will stop referring to yourself as broken (at least I certainly hope so) and realize that all of the parts of you are just as important, just as worthy, just as loveable as anyone else. Everyone else is entitled to be loved and cared for. YOU. ARE. TOO. Merry Christmas, my darling. To you, your Angus, your family and your fur babies. You are loved.

Posted by: Margi at December 23, 2005 05:02 AM (nwEQH)

15 Happy Christmas! Pax et lux

Posted by: That Girl at December 23, 2005 04:29 PM (QzfsY)

16 ok, please let me know when you find out where they are keeping the real Santa Claus. I have a long list to give him. p.s. I have been good so I deserve to receive my complete list.

Posted by: iowaslovak at December 24, 2005 12:24 AM (U3sRl)

17 Merry Christmas, Helen!

Posted by: Marie at December 24, 2005 03:23 PM (xUbzm)

18 Happy Christmas Helen. Abs xxxx

Posted by: abs at December 24, 2005 10:27 PM (zQGP5)

19 Hi Helen! I never comment, but every weekend I read your week's posts...in fact, I have done so for a couple of years now. Thank you so much for the gift of your writing. My favorite book in the world is "Christmas Carol," and I've loved your recent entries. Scrooge's epiphany contains such words of wisdom: "I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all three shall strive within me." I hope that you and your loved ones have the merriest of Christmases.

Posted by: Lesley at December 25, 2005 01:29 AM (ew4qR)

20 Miss seeing you in my part of the blogging world (8 months but whos counting). Happy Holidays.

Posted by: drew at December 26, 2005 04:37 AM (Emc1Q)

21 Beautiful Touching Post, Helen...I haven't been by in a while and it is good to read of the ray of hope that has come into you....I love your angel...so very sweet..and you know Helen, in certain ways, we are all 'damaged goods' and I think that's why we or I should just speak for myself, I relate to all you write about yourself and what you have felt in the past....I wish you a journey that I know is a very very hard one but will be so very wonderful in it's mining of the Gold Inside You! And may it be a Safe journey as you leap off that exciting and scary precipice.(? sp.) into the scary unknown.

Posted by: OldOldLady Of The Hills at December 26, 2005 07:53 PM (h+7T4)

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