Sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble, and the sounds that come out of my mouth reach a bubble space and taste bubble air. My thoughts are real enough, but when I connect them to my vocal cords they come out of my mouth and move forward in waves before hitting the smooth invisible wall of my concave bubble walls, and the sounds and vibrations echo and move around me, pinging me on all sides as I get enveloped in what originally started as just a thought. After a while, it gets better to keep my thoughts to myself as it would otherwise just mean I should spend time swimming in my own mind.

Maybe that's what I do anyway.

I sit in meetings where I get surrounded by my own words echoing off the walls. I write emails that cross an ocean, the content bubble wrapped back to me in packets of vitriol. Even with myself, words are beginning to fail me when I speak my thoughts. I can't find the right words, I can't express the right feeling. Language has always been everything to me, but as I stand in the line of sight of my own sound waves, I can't understand why it's starting to let me go. Sometimes trying to find the right words feels like bicycling in vanilla pudding-I spin and spin my wheels, and at the end, all that remains is one big mess.

I watch people a lot more now, afraid to speak. I watch the men in their wool suits and long dark blue ties running through train stations, sprinting to get to that meeting, hopefully a meeting that will make the sprint worth it. I watch women juggle a briefcase and a fake Prada bag, trying to be something that they're not. I watch teenagers look with already jaded eyes on the world, analyzing and quizzing, a little toy attached to their mobile phones, a plush toy that still binds them to the world of a child.

My meeting yesterday was so long and so fraught for me in the beginning. It was so bad I was perusing job posting boards, convinced I just couldn't do it any longer. Problem resolution the goal of the day, algorithms and code the flavor of the month. I left one of my project managers in charge and started off on my three hour journey home, and in the evening I received a text that something had been resolved, and at last I cried.

Yesterday didn't get any better, as a fraught meeting in London left me physically and emotionally drained, and once more perusing the job boards. I want to switch jobs, but I know I can't do that until the gerbils have launched. When that happens, I will get drunk. I will switch jobs. I will sleep.

And even in my dreams at night, I've lost my voice.

I get to work from home for the next few days, and it's something I'm going to guard jealously and religiously. Emails have been effectively dealt with, and I more or less just ignore the ringing phone if I don't recognize the caller. I'm cutting the amount of conference calls to a minimum-I need to protect my voice, I worry I am losing it.

Maybe I already have.

Voices must be like parts of the soul-they can be siphoned out through a colander, they can seep out the bottom and run into the sink, and once it starts running, you can never get them back.

I guess at the end of the day I am just exhausted. Last night was a great start-I slept soundly, I slept with my boy, and I slept feeling like we were both a part of something. But lately I've ben worn out and need to sleep for a few days. If I can sleep, then I can wake up with a full voice box. If I wake up with a full voice box, I can tell the people around me the things I need to in such a way that they have no doubts.

If I get my strength and fight back, my words can make it out of the bubble, and I will finally just break free.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:37 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 724 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Stress makes you tired, you know. Take some time off and sleep to your heart's content. Easier said than done, I know, but so worth it in the long run.

Posted by: kenju at September 22, 2005 12:50 PM (+AT7Y)

2 Sounds like you need an appointment with the REAL Mr Bubble. Along with some hot water, a glass of wine, a few candles and some peace & quiet.

Posted by: ~Easy at September 22, 2005 01:28 PM (NL+Vn)

3 Hope the bubble pops soon. Do take care, and I'm glad you have your boy-knowing you are part of something bigger and better is sometimes the best way to getting your voice back.

Posted by: Teresa at September 22, 2005 02:01 PM (zf0DB)

4 Schedule a couple more meetings on top of the ones you already have scheduled, and that will fix you right up.

Posted by: Old Horsetail Snake at September 22, 2005 04:25 PM (acLa9)

5 You need a couple of jammie days, girlfriend!

Posted by: sue at September 22, 2005 04:54 PM (WbfZD)

6 Hmm. I've heard of hysterical blindness. . .NOT the correct terminology but the symptomology is quite clear. You have your voice. And if you temporarily don't have an actual, real voice to say it out loud, then write it. In pink, 40 pt comic sans. (shudder) Of course, if you could, I know you would. But you know, in therapy, I've been told to write that "go-to-hell-you-rotten-bastard" letter that never gets mailed. . .maybe you could send an e-mail along the same lines? Yeahhhh. 40pt, Comic Sans, bright pink. Use profanity. Copiously. Send it to me. So it's been sent. We can pretend damnit. Tie a knot and hang on, baby girl. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: Margi at September 23, 2005 06:48 AM (nwEQH)

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