When I was a little kid I already had the makings of an IBS recipient, and all at the age of still being attracted to dungarees. IBS found me, gripped me, and decided to mark its territory all over me, and all while I was just wanting to grow in adult teeth. Think "severely constipated 6 year old" and you get the picture.

From an early age, I've been at war with poo. Seriously. Think nightmares where you're chased by what looks like a giant Baby Ruth and you get the picture. Truthfully, I think a lot of my phobia lays at the feet of IBS. I do also proportion a tiny bit of the blame at the feet of my father, a la "on the couch with Oprah Winfrey and not taking responsibilty for your own destiny".

I have the particularly cruel type of IBS, in that if I do not regularly monitor myself and keep my diet in a straight line, I get more clogged up than a lactose intolerant woman at a French cheese board. I can literally go for weeks without using the toilet. And before people protest that it would kill a person to go for weeks, the truth is, it won't-it takes a lot longer than that for a body to go toxic. The longest I have ever gone without using the loo is one month.

That's right.

"Impacted" is not even close to describing the misery.

Now, when I was a little kid, my mom caught on to the fact that sitting on the toilet and straining my life away was happening. As a kid, there's no option but one-the enema. The enema, the enema. Facing down the pointy end of the bottle and suffering what people in 1980's California determined what was a spiritual calling. As a constipated 6 year old, I can tell you-there is no God in the flushing of the toilet. I'm just saying.

I remember running pell mell for the toilet, praying and hoping I would make it in time (I always have. There has never been a breaking of the seal, not a prairie dog in sight, and long may it be so). But I also remember running for the toilet and having my father laugh mercilessly at me. Not only that, I remember him telling dinner guests about it and making fun of me.

Since I am already the queen of oversensitive, you can imagine the impact that had on me. From then on, poop was my phobia. My phobia, and my complete and utter shame.

It still is.

As a teenager I got to move away from enemas and into the tantalizing world of laxatives. It was an instacure for IBS, and not only that-one day I determined that a total clean-out equated to looking thin. It didn't matter that it was only water weight, that a diuretic can only work so far. The fact was, it would make me look thin. Thus entered the days I think of as Dabbling in Eating Disorders, the days before I moved into the intermediate stage of Avoiding of the Food before becoming a pro at Anorexia for the Certifiably Insane. I not only took laxatives to help my IBS, I would take the entire box to try to look thin. Sometimes it was a Friday night deal-I would cancel all my plans and stay home just so I could take down a box of Extra Strength Ex-Lax (none of that Senokot or Metamucil stuff for me, thank you. I play with the big guns).

You can see why I'm in therapy.

But any doctor can tell you that laxatives have a cyclic effect-use them long-term, and damage will be done. What perhaps saved my intestines was a move to Sweden. Sweden, land of nature and happiness and drinking songs, Sweden, land of Are You Constipated? Have Some Prunes. You couldn't get laxatives there, and so it was I was weaned off of them, and welcomed into the world of drinking water, loving coffee, and yes, being the occasional geriatric and eating prunes.

My body is normal now. Coffee, water and prunes continue to do the trick. I often have problems when travelling, but for the most part, those days of boxes of laxatives are gone.

Well, until today that is. I have been provided with three batches of medication to take today. Said medication is not a laxative, it's called a purgative. A purgative, the for real medicine. Think Exorcist, only from the anal passage. From the time I start the first batch this afternoon, I am not leaving the house again today. I know it's going to be awful, I know it's going to taste awful-I remember a colonoscopy when I was a kid, and I had to drink this nasty stuff from a jug called Colace-the prescription varient of it, the kind that meant you and Charmin were about to be very good friends.

In case you were wondering why I've spent an entire post discussing my rectal habits, here it is-I start the cleaning out today. The insides need to be sparkly clean in anticipation of the world's longest fiber optic viewing my posterior tomorrow. I will wearily stare down my demons today (well, not stare exactly. That's gross. But you get the analogy.) I had an enormous Indonesian meal last night with the theatre group (then we saw Woman in White, where we had third row seats. Simon Cowell was in it, the funeral one from Four Weddings and a Funeral. He was great, and I bet he's never had a cable up his ass.) And I had an enormous fuck off breakfast because I can, because now I am on a fast for 24 hours, because what the hell it's going to come out anyway.

Wheee. On second thought, we only have 4 rolls of toilet paper in the house. Better go buy more.

You know.

Just in case.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:20 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 1008 words, total size 5 kb.

1 I will be discreet and say that while I don't share all your problems, I do share the phobia and oh, my goodness, but few things scar a kid like the e-word. And I "indefinitely deferred" a colonoscopy some doctors wanted me to have not so much because I was scared of the colonoscopy (though I was! I definitely was), but because I was scared of what they euphemistically term "bowel prep." Bowel prep--doesn't that sound nice? Like I'm going to wipe it down lovingly with sterile cloths or something. HA! Good luck today and tomorrow. How nice it'll be to have it over with.

Posted by: ilyka at November 08, 2005 11:58 AM (CaP0D)

2 I hope everything comes out alright! (I had about 6 other bad puns I decided to keep to myself, see I do care! ) I know its not a luck issue really, but I do hope everyting goes ok tomorrow

Posted by: Dane at November 08, 2005 12:02 PM (fficu)

3 Your childhood sounds a lot like mine; I went for 2 weeks once (at summer camp).At least my dad and mom didn't tease me. Mom just ran for the enema bag any time I went for more than 3 days. God, how I hated those enemas. I don't envy you the prep for the colonoscopy; just sit on the toilet all night. That's what I had to do. Took a small TV in there with me, books, phone, etc. and stayed there until it was over. ICK. Good luck with the tests; hope there is nothing bad going on.

Posted by: kenju at November 08, 2005 01:19 PM (+AT7Y)

4 Oh Helen, I can so sympathize. My parents were always teasing me about my inability to go. And don't get me started on the phobia, although I am glad to know I am not the only one with those kind of nightmares. I once had one where I was adopted by a family of gigantic poos. Years of anorexia only made the problem worse. My husband still is bewildered with the fact that it is often weeks between bathroom visits (and that is with a healthy diet). Bowel prep is no fun, so glad you treated yourself beforehand with good food and a show. I remember a particular bowel prep of mine, going through it on my daughter's 5th birthday. Literallly running to the john in between serving cake and singing Happy Birthday. Good times, good times.... Good luck, and you are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself!

Posted by: Teresa at November 08, 2005 01:35 PM (zf0DB)

5 Helen, I cant remember if I have already told you this..but.. just in case. Try this all natural herb called Cascara. My sister has IBS and it has been a miracle for her also my sister in law who has the long term no poo issue swears by it, it has changed her life. It might help ya never know! Take care and good luck tomorrow!

Posted by: Cheryl at November 08, 2005 01:50 PM (msF2q)

6 I'm booked in for my fun fibreoptic on November 24 - no ass bleeds here, I alternate between no-poo and omg-explosive-diarrohea-god-help-me. I recently started taking good bacteria supplements, which have improved things somewhat (I even had a glass of alcoholic drink last week and didn't just-about-shit-myself), but I'm still going in for fun times.. shits and giggles, y'know!

Posted by: michellesarah at November 08, 2005 01:57 PM (Aly7A)

7 Uhg, you have my utmost sympathy on this!

Posted by: justme at November 08, 2005 02:16 PM (TQ6+X)

8 ~I must not fear, fear is the mind killer, fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear, i will let it pass through me, i will watch it pass and only i will remain.~ -- Dune Incredibly out of context, but somehow oddly fitting. :-D I used to be right there with you, poo and i are not friends, but i've lost my fear. The last time i had to self medicate for constipation, in the dorms, hall bathrooms, mind, i just made a lot of trumpet noises and such. Laugh loud enough and your poo is the last thing other people will worry about. :-D

Posted by: tommy at November 08, 2005 02:49 PM (EhwJT)

9 Just out of curiousity what did they give you? I had to do a purge before my surgery in February and remembering it still gives me the stomach flips. I got Go-Lytely. It is this crap mixed in with a gallon (yes a fuckin' gallon) of water. There was no flavor, all you could taste was this salty taste. Imagine drinking a gallon of salt water in an hour. It was horrible. Next time I am making them give me the drink the tiny botle of icky tasting crap and get it over in one shot stuff.

Posted by: dani at November 08, 2005 03:08 PM (nD3HI)

10 Dani-that was the stuff I had many years ago, only I remember at the time it was called Colace. It's hard to even keep from throwing that stuff up, let alone let it work the way through.

Posted by: Helen at November 08, 2005 03:47 PM (iSw6s)

11 I'm sorry you have to go through it.

Posted by: Manda at November 08, 2005 04:25 PM (838ff)

12 Uhmmm...yes. Thanks for sharing...

Posted by: ~Easy at November 08, 2005 04:52 PM (LN5gS)

13 And here, I was feeling sorry for myself because of the necessity for the one-hour glucose challenge test and the syrupy orange soda I had to drink, the fact that if I *am* gestationally diabetic again I will have to be on a diabetic diet -- DURING THE HOLIDAYS . . . Suddenly, I feel sheepish. At this point, I have no witty words just sending up prayers that you will get through this and everything will be fine.

Posted by: Margi at November 08, 2005 05:49 PM (nwEQH)

14 Well, I wish you the best. And I hope there's some good reading material in your bathroom

Posted by: caltechgirl at November 08, 2005 06:35 PM (/vgMZ)

15 Good thing to do. Bad reason to have to do it. My insides and I are not on a friendly basis. Although not "officially" diagnosed, I would guess I have IBS as I go from one swing of the pendulum to the other... you know, go for days, then can't stop for hours. Always something. I, too, was going to use the awful pun "hope everything comes out all right" but I'm waaaay too classy. (YES, I am... HA!) We'll be... uh... pullin' for ya...

Posted by: sue at November 08, 2005 08:45 PM (WbfZD)

16 I totally sympathize. I too have IBS and it's the kind that goes from one end of the spectrum to another. My husband, who goes once or twice a day is always horrified at how long I can go before using the bathroom....especially on trips! I wish you luck. I had a cystoscopy done, and that wasn't much fun, but at least there was no prep!

Posted by: Alicia at November 08, 2005 10:24 PM (GQiIF)

17 The only way I could get the stuff down (it was the tiny bottle of the concentrate...totally vile tasting!) was to suck on an ice cube, take a swallow. Repeat. Good Luck, Helen. The prep is the worst part. The test itself is not too bad.

Posted by: Jocelyn at November 08, 2005 11:10 PM (jkRb/)

18 I read this post so much earlier today but I couldn't make the comment post and then, crap! I forgot what was so important for me to say to you Helen. Oh well--in the end, all's well that ends well. Shit! That was a bad ending... All my best to you Helen...

Posted by: Marie at November 09, 2005 01:56 AM (GMRs2)

19 Holy shit. You can take that as astonishment, empathy, encouragement or a blessing on your bowels. Whatever works. :-) And I do realize I'm a tad late, but ginger ale cuts the stuff like a knife. Not brill, but less...despicable.

Posted by: Jennifer at November 09, 2005 02:05 AM (y4DOI)

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