I sat there for ages, staring at the blinking cursor. Blink. Blink. Blink. My fingers on ASDF, JKL;. They're not even my fingers, I have been (and am) outside of myself. They're her fingers, and they didn't move. The sunlight played a strobe effect on the keys. My eyes unfocused, unable to see, my insides a big giraffe that I see but am trying not to see.
The doctor visit went well/badly.
I sat there for ages. Half a train ride. I just couldn't move. I sit here now and my fingers just can't think of how to say things.
At last they have moved, and nothing comes out of them. The blink is better than the result. I can't look at the screen and I can't look out the window and I can't do anything but just sit here. Blink. Blink. Blink.
I have nothing here.
I'll be back online August 29, when I return from holiday.
1
I wish I had something smart and witty to say; or that I had a clown nose and shoes to put on to make you smile.
Alas, I have none of those things.
I want you to know I'm thinking of you and caring for you.
Never fear -- I'll be here when you're gone and when you get back, too.
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at August 18, 2005 08:04 AM (nwEQH)
2
H...
Love you...
Go enjoy the Sinai... (I need to hate someone for being a bronze bitch, and you are one of my favorite people to crown with that title- cancer free of course
Posted by: stinkerbell at August 18, 2005 09:55 AM (ZznPv)
3
well/badly?
That makes me very happy/sad. I shall be patient until you're return.
In the meantime, have a vibrant and enervating vacation. :-)
Posted by: Jim at August 18, 2005 10:41 AM (oqu5j)
4
When (and only when) you're able, if you would, enlighten us on well/badly. That makes my heart sink.
But first things first, like enjoying the living daylights outta that holiday. Live it up, now. I mean it. At the risk of reading too much into things, I am definitely getting the sense you could use it.
And we all know you've more than earned it. So go have big fun.
Posted by: ilyka at August 18, 2005 11:47 AM (z+oQt)
5
What Margi said.
You're in my heart, Helen.
{hugs}
Posted by: Jennifer at August 18, 2005 12:09 PM (DOcmJ)
6
Cheese and crackers!! Another vacation?!?! I can see why you wanted to move to England. It seems as though you get 26 weeks of vacation per year
At most companies in America, one only gets 2 weeks for the first 3 to 5 years.
And the company I currently work for gives 2 weeks vacation for the 1st
11 years. As a contractor though, I can take as much time off as my wallet can stand
Enjoy your vacation.
Posted by: Solomon at August 18, 2005 12:55 PM (k1sTy)
7
I, too, will be anxiously awaiting the day when you feel like youc an tell us the meaning of well/badly. You're in my thoughts, Helen. Take care, and enjoy your holiday.
Posted by: scorpy at August 18, 2005 01:04 PM (Hy3v4)
8
Enjoy yourself. See you when you get back.
Posted by: ~Easy at August 18, 2005 01:06 PM (nBgZb)
9
Helen, it will be a vaste wasteland here without you. Have a good vacation and write when you are able.
Posted by: kenju at August 18, 2005 01:16 PM (+AT7Y)
10
I hope you have a lovely holiday and come back refreshed and recharged!
Posted by: RP at August 18, 2005 01:26 PM (LlPKh)
11
(((hugs and love))) for you darlin.
Posted by: kat at August 18, 2005 01:29 PM (9Bhsn)
12
You know some of the religious might say "the lord has a plan for you", we well this is real life and since he never comes down and actually says "i got a plan for you" how the hell are you supposed to know . I hope things get better for you, but enjoy the holiday.
Posted by: pylorns at August 18, 2005 05:41 PM (FTYER)
13
I'll miss you but of course wish you all kinds of fun and deep relaxation that time away can bring. Can't wait to hear about your wonderful vacation. Like the others, would also like to hear details of your dr. visit but know you will share when the time is right for you. Good luck.
Posted by: Laura GF at August 18, 2005 05:55 PM (6s3I7)
14
well/badly. You sit in silence, your mind probably whirring madly - so much so that there is no focus. There are no words we can say to make you feel better... just know we're here. We're thinking of you. We feel painfully useless in our ability to help. Hopefully Angus is there to give you support and nurture your soul.
We'll be waiting.
Posted by: sue at August 18, 2005 05:58 PM (WbfZD)
15
The phrases: "Oh christ, what happened?" followed by "Hope you have a good time on vacation." doesn't exactly transition well, but it was exactly my response so therefore at least honest.
Posted by: Marie at August 18, 2005 05:59 PM (PQxWr)
16
H - From one stranger to another, thanks for sharing. Even when its hard to share, thanks.
Well wishes to you and your husband.
Posted by: SaraJane at August 18, 2005 09:29 PM (lvhnO)
17
Helen,
I opened your blog today full of excitement and anticiapation re: your foray into fertility. I am saddened by your message. Yet heartend by your positng. You are truly an amazing person.
You are not alone, your faithful fans andreaders are, like me, sending good thoughts inot the universe for you, Angus and you family -feline and hominid.
Posted by: foggy at August 19, 2005 01:41 AM (e8Uwf)
18
Good that the vacation comes after this visit... which doesn't sound like it went well...
thoughts are with you, H.
Posted by: Snidget at August 19, 2005 03:54 AM (whzzV)
19
I have the sudden urge to post another rotten joke in your comments, but this time it doesn't feel right. Vacate and clear your head. We'll be here for you when you get back.
Posted by: physics geek at August 19, 2005 05:27 PM (Xvrs7)
Posted by: kalisah at August 19, 2005 08:18 PM (TYrzJ)
21
"well/badly" Oh I simply don't know what to say. I too came today hoping to read the excitement of your doctor appointment. I am hoping that it went better than this sounds.
You have a lovely vacation! Enjoy yourself and tell us what you can when you return.
big hugs,
dee
Posted by: dee at August 19, 2005 08:40 PM (sZnML)
22
I'm still reading you, Helen. I hope you had a wonderful holiday and I sincerely hope the Well outstrips the Badly.
Let us know, will you? {{{hugs}}}
Posted by: Amber at August 19, 2005 11:02 PM (zQE5D)
23
Like Jim, I am happy and sad for you. Glad at least part of the visit went well, sad some went badly. I hope that your time away clears out your head. Hugs.
Posted by: caltechgirl at August 19, 2005 11:39 PM (H5rmO)
24
get some rest....do they have you on hormones? That might be the reason you are feeling a little outside of yourself...
Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at August 21, 2005 05:22 AM (17zKJ)
25
I miss you. Something awful.
That is all.
Oh, except for this great big hug I'm throwing your way.
{{{{hugs}}}}
Posted by: Jennifer at August 25, 2005 10:57 PM (1X5Jq)
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