Last night I watched Horse Whisperer on tv, even though the satellite kept kicking out and even though the movie is mediocre at best-while I like Kristin Scott Thomas and I think Scarlett Johansson is the bee's knees, the movie was one of those sappy tear-jerker types that follows the following pattern:

- Rugged, quiet durable man
- Woman in an unsatisfying relationship, whose attentions are devoted to something else to get through the days
- Unsatisfied Woman meets Rugged Man
- Rugged Man and Unsatisfied Woman hook up
- Unsatisfied Woman feels torn, but ultimately returns to unhappy relationship due to a sense of obligation, leaving Rugged Man to spend the rest of his life mending fences or whatever the fuck Rugged Men do.

This pattern is repeated in most sappy chick films. Bridges of Madison County is another good example. The people decide to continue their lives, lives in which the woman is ultimately responsible for something that means she has to live that life, and the man is a nomad, live-off-the-land kind of guy. I sit there on the couch, drinking a gin and tonic and nursing the beginnings of one hell of a cold, and I think: What a stupid movie. Why can't the woman be the live-off-the-land, wild exotic creature, for once, instead of the Unsatisfied Woman? Why is it always the man that gets to be the one with the luck of the nomad?

And then I thought about it, and wondered why I thought that.

In these films, why is it that the woman has to be the one to "sacrifice her heart", where the man is all calm and stoic, all I-love-you-but-life-as-a-National-Geographic-photographer-sure-is-nifty. Why is it that the woman's life pales in comparison to the delights that the man gets to lead? Why is it that the Unsatisfied Woman has to be the one who is unsatisfied?

I thought about it even more when they asked the Kristin Scott Thomas character, the one with the cut-glass English accent and the bad haircut, where she was from. Her response was vague-she was from everywhere and nowhere, really. The asker of the intrusive question then smiled and said maybe she's the kind of person that has a home on the inside, that a home on the outside isn't really the point.

And the stupid movie then made some stupid sense.

Is the Unsatisfied Woman in these films unsatisfied because there is a place where she stays, where she feels she belongs? Is she Unsatisfied because the confines of a home are such a deep and wonderful tie that she's willing to accept anything that comes her way-a perfunctory marriage with a perfunctory kitchen and perfunctory kids? Is she Unsatisfied because she has the home of her dreams, only the rest of the Willy Wonka package isn't quite up to par?

The "home on the inside" comment hit home a bit for me. Ask any kid who grew up in the military, and they'll tell you they're not really from anywhere. When you move every 2-4 years, it's hard to be a From. My great-grandparents were Froms-they lived in Des Moines all their live, and spent their entire married life in one house. Angus is a From, he lived in one house until he was an adult, and some of his friends he has known since he was in short pants, wandering into classrooms with mischief on their minds. He is a From. My great-grandparents were Froms.

Does that mean I am a Lost?

I am often asked if I plan on returning to the States, and if so, when. I was asked this on the dive boat in Egypt, by an American married to an Englishman. Her blond bangs bobbed as we bounced around on the waves, and she told me of her longing for Minnesota, and that they will someday go back. Do you miss anything? her make-up free faced asked me.

Sure, I miss things, I replied. Mexican food. Low-fat Jiffy peanut butter. The terrific thunderstorms. Hockey games.

And I thought about it. That was all I missed, really. Sure, sometimes I miss being able to talk and not feel self-conscious about my American accent, but in general, I have everything here that I want.

But these are all things that I want and need are portable. They're not transfixed in stone, they don't have a concrete foundation that ties them to this patch of land. The truth is, my home doesn't have to be in a specific place because they are mobile, as well (or at least ambulatory, in the case of my cats and Angus). I love England very much, but I am not opposed to living somewhere else, in fact we've discussed it and moving around is something we're both open to.

Does this mean I am the Rugged Man character? Is there a lifetime of hunting down covered bridges or wrangling calves (neither of which appeals, frankly, as bridges are a fucking bore and the vegetarian in me would be busy trying to set the calves free, thinking that if they came back to me then they would be mine, and if they didn't I'd feel utterly rejected and cry for days over a stupid cow.) Is it possible that there are situations where the Rugged one can be the woman, eschewing traditional roles of being the loving homemaker and instead being the one who wanders around in jeans and no bra, breaking hearts and being Rugged? Am I the mending fencer?

And why is it so repugnant to society that women have this roving kind of life, this disattachment to any personal responsibility? Why is it so far-fetched to imagine that some women can be the nomad, and in fact you can be the nomad and bring the house and kids along with you? In these Hollywood movies, why is it that the woman is that one who has to be the one who always wonders....What if? Doesn't our female period-having, menopause-dreading, bad-boyfriend history mean that our lives have sucked enough already, could you please cut us some slack, Warner Brothers/Paramount/Universal?

Is there something so unappealing about the woman being the Rugged Man, and the man as the Unsatisfied Chap? Is it so out of order to imagine oh, say...a Rugged Woman who spends her time taming mountain lions, who meets up with an Unsatisfied Chap who loves his little home in Tornado Alley, Kansas, as he raises their three children while his Mrs. is the breadwinner as the is Tornado Alley County Quilting Bee Champion? They hook up, Rugged Woman played by an woman with perky breasts and lines by the side of her eyes and says things only cryptically, to protect her Rugged Heart, and she romances Unsatisfied Chap who slowly becomes more fashion conscious and daring, bringing whipped cream into the bed for a playtime session with Rugged Woman while wife and kids are at a Quilting Bee in Wichita? When wife comes home, Unsatisfied Chap has to choose his quilt-loving wife and his home responsibilities as Rugged Woman goes off to tame lions in Nevada, and Unsatisfied Chap never looks at a whipped dairy product in the same way again.

Yeah.

I guess it wouldn't sell.

Too bad I'm sick and tired of the guy always getting the cool life in the films, and the woman getting the broken heart.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:37 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 1249 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Helen, I guess people whould be too threatened to have a strong woman character. I used to think its only India, but I've soon realised its that way all over the world. Isn't it more convenient when women are the nice, shrinking violets, howl with pain, have broken hearts and achieve martyrdom?

Posted by: plumpernickel at September 05, 2005 12:01 PM (0KF89)

2 Write the story anyway...

Posted by: mitzi at September 05, 2005 01:46 PM (WUm8R)

3 Let me just ask you if you'd want to see a movie with the reversals you speak of. Somehow I don't think that the genre would sell. A married man who angsts over the nomadic woman who is going to fuck his brains out and then move on is simply not very believeable. For the strong woman characters you have to go outside the genre. Ripley in Alien comes leaping to mind, as does Clarisse in Silence of the Lambs. And of course, there's Thelma & Louise

Posted by: ~Easy at September 05, 2005 02:19 PM (NL+Vn)

4 Hell, I'd watch it. I think a woman who has such desires should follow those desires. I think she'll say "what if.." sometime in life just as I think the rugged man does. But, given all that, don't think that the rugged guy's life is the cool one, sometime that rugged man is just as unsatisfied as the woman in the story, he just doesn't show it.

Posted by: Bigdocmcd at September 05, 2005 06:07 PM (HZ6o7)

5 There's another scenario; the Rugged Man sweept the Unsatisfied Woman off her feet and they both run off together, Rugged Man and Rugged Woman while her dreary quilting projects slowly cover with dust. Hey wait! That's no movie; that's MY LIFE! *grins*

Posted by: Amber at September 05, 2005 06:29 PM (zQE5D)

6 An Unsatisfied Man in a situation like that becomes Cheating Asshole. And frankly, in my mind, Unsatisfied Woman [Bridges of Madison County] ALSO becomes Cheating Bitch. [And before I take shit for it -- I WAS the Cheating Bitch -- in another lifetime. Doesn't make it right, just because I did it, too.] I agree with you wholeheartedly and am sick and tired of stereotypical Hollywood movies. They're all a damned Harlequin Romance novel any more. Bleh.

Posted by: Margi at September 05, 2005 06:40 PM (nwEQH)

7 However unrealistic or unsellable, I would so like to see that movie...

Posted by: karmajenn at September 05, 2005 10:09 PM (4d1qJ)

8 Unsatisfied Chap never looks at a whipped dairy product in the same way again Oh my GOD. I'm dying. I'm seeing so many trembly-lipped actors in that role that they're sort of all merging together . . . and despite the sadness, the longing, the hurt (!) at the sight of said product, the actor playing the scene nonetheless has in the back of his eye that teensy little gleam that says, "Yeah. I am SO getting an Oscar for this one." I would be rolling in the aisles of the theater. I'm practically rolling on the floor now. Oh, it would be hysterical. I would so heart that film.

Posted by: ilyka at September 06, 2005 09:40 AM (ky17W)

9 I'm with Margi...minus the curse words of course I think the flaw with the "rugged, nomadic woman" is one of practicality and reality. If rugged woman travels around having sex in every town, she's going to end up with a couple of children that keep her from traveling. Rugged guy just moves on never knowing about the children. I think rugged guy's life is more empty than shrinking violet's. She ends up with a less than perfect marriage and family who love her and whom she loves. He ends up with nothing.

Posted by: Solomon at September 06, 2005 01:46 PM (k1sTy)

10 Well, it was a bit tame (and a bit lame, at that), but Forces of Nature with Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock was like that kinda. She was the wild care free one and he was the one with obligations and such. And in the end he chose the obligations. I can't believe I'm putting up a comment about that movie.

Posted by: amy t. at September 06, 2005 03:56 PM (zPssd)

11 Aw, Hell... now you 've made me think again.

Posted by: sue at September 06, 2005 03:58 PM (WbfZD)

12 I just came across this book "Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Estes is a Jungian analyst who explores the wild woman archetype through various myths, fairy tales and dream symbols. The book may be complete crap, but the description reminded me of this post of yours.

Posted by: Marie at September 08, 2005 05:16 PM (PQxWr)

13 I agree with Margi, on both counts. What about a "third way" where married people don't f**ing cheat on each other?

Posted by: Helen at September 11, 2005 01:27 PM (7de2C)

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