Yesterday didn't start off well-I woke up with a splitting migraine and a trip to the toilet showed my old friend Ass Bleed was back for a visit. Luckily I had canned my usual London meet to an audio only, so as I slogged around in my pajamas and a cup of coffee, bemoaning the fact that I have Ass Bleed and Mouth Ulcer (but Weepy Eye and Hand Herpes are gone, although Hand Herpes has left a strange scar on my hand. I'm going to tell people it's a burn scar I got putting out the fires of injustice. I like the sound of that, it makes me think of Superfriends.)

Two Nurofen for migraines later and I still have a migraine. I take two more. I figure-those two Nurofen in my stomach are lonely. They needed the company.

Some e-mails from Angus' ex wound me up no end, which I won't go in to now as I think it's best to take one stress at a time. No, really. It's a good policy.

I dial in to my team audio (after realizing that I forgot to tell one of my team members that the meeting was audio and they'd already hauled themself across the country to attend it in London) and thereupon my day went downhill. Fast.

A senior manager dialed in to my conference call and hijacked the whole fucking thing. He not only hijacked it, he threatened everyone's job on it as well. My team left the call running like scared rabbits.

It's all gotten worse.

I hung up the call, furious that he held my team member's jobs over their heads. We've been working 14-16 hours a day 6-7 days a week. We've done nothing wrong. I called Peter, my teammate, and for the first time in years, I burst into tears in front of someone at work.

We talked. We're both at the end of our tether. Peter is falling apart as well, his marriage in trouble and his health a mess. We vented a good long while, and then we vented to our manager.

And sometime in the afternoon, I just reached The Point. You know...The Point. The Point where you simply don't give a damn anymore. I went from whipping up documents and returning urgent mails to downloading ring tones. I got in the bathtub and took a bath with my new Mary Roach book, Mary Roach, the single greatest writer in the modern non-fiction world. I laid on the couch and ate crackers with fake ham and Emmenthal, then I watched a rerun of Ally McBeal while doing yoga moves on the couch. I browsed through the Dog's Trust Christmas catalog, which I not only sponsor monthly but from which I am hoping we can adopt a dog once (if) we get The Blackberries (my money sponsors the Old Dog home-they can't be rehomed but aren't put down, they live out the rest of their years in comfort and peace). I love the Dog's Trust catalog. Our Christmas cards will be coming from there, and I was pretty damn tempted to just buy everyone's Christmas gifts from there.

And then I sat down on the floor of the study and I just cried.

Later in the evening I watched Lost and tried to make myself quiet as Angus' mood dealing with the solicitors had gone really depressed. He was feeling so upset he even had a trip to the toilet to chuck his guts up, and I watched as a vein throbbed on the side of his head. I made us pumpkin soup and a baked potato, because really-who isn't going to be comforted by pumpkin soup? I got some bad news from one of the seniors and I texted my team, then turned my phone off. We went to bed, had sex, then I spent the night tossing and turning.

This morning I vowed to take it calmer. I started with a bath and watched an old episode of Friends, wishing it could all be that simple-a coffee shop, an orange jacket, ridiculous jokes and a nostalgia for the States, even if my life was tainted in shades of crazy.

I feel awful.

I look awful, too.

I had an egg salad sandwich and have a grocery list (I'm one of those people that likes grocery shopping. Yes really). My meetings are few today, but suddenly I've been hit with a request to do the world's largest Excel matrix comparing months and months of stats. From the study I can hear my anthropology degree quaking in fear from the box underneath the bed.

And this morning I not only had the Ass Bleed, I had Blood Clots.

I have blood clots coming out of my ass.

This kind of thing doesn't even happen in Carrie.

I put my head down and cried again.

-H.

PS-a year ago Paul recommended I buy a pumpkin carving kit. This year, I did.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:34 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 865 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Love your pumpkin. My fiance also sponsors a dog through Dog Trust Hope things calm down a little, I've reached the point myself this week too!

Posted by: Juls at October 13, 2005 12:39 PM (CCh+/)

2 You sound like the wife in an abusive relationship. Get out! We will love you no matter what! He's not worth it! :::Hugs:::

Posted by: That Girl at October 13, 2005 02:26 PM (gu1Ur)

3 I'm sorry you're dealing with all that. A certain amount of apathy (not TOO much is a good thing. You may need to rename Dream Job. I can only think of the obvious alternatives: Nightmare Job, Stress Job, Death Job, and "I gave (blood) at the office AND at home" Job. That last one might be a little long. Anyone else have any ideas? And for the record, your coworker needs to get transferred to a position that isn't so stressful and time consuming or change jobs altogether. No company or job is worth one's marriage. Period. There may be other factors, but he can't let this job be a contributing factor to a divorce. He'll be happier with a solid marriage in the unemployment line than a broken marriage in a dream job (which doesn't really sound so dreamy).

Posted by: Solomon at October 13, 2005 02:31 PM (k1sTy)

4 Darling...not to tell you what to do, and not to frighten you, but if you've gone from "ass bleed" to clots, you should go to the doctor immediately. I ignored a change in symptoms (different ailment, but still...) and recently learned that I'll now pay for it with surgery. (Hopefully, its "just" going to require surgery.) Please take care of you. (And then quit that f*cking job!!!) Peace, Serena

Posted by: Serena at October 13, 2005 02:44 PM (OX+n1)

5 Big hugs. Huge hugs.

Posted by: Miss K at October 13, 2005 03:13 PM (NT4rE)

6 Yikes. I'm not big on advice-giving, however, I'm wondering (as I'm sure you are) - what about a career change? You could transition into animal rights, for instance? Or something else? Sending good, meditative thoughts....

Posted by: gigi at October 13, 2005 03:16 PM (WxRql)

7 The migraines have been a nightmare so far this autumn. I was at the Pain Clinic - again- yesterday, for a change in meds. Hope you feel better. Get to the doctor about the AB right away!! That could be something a lot worse than stress related bleeding. Please. I'm sure he (she?) has missed you. And then go and bitch slap Reena. :-)

Posted by: Jocelyn at October 13, 2005 03:32 PM (p6cmr)

8 Oh, hon... you are on a major roller-coaster, aren't you? I wish I were in a position to just tell you to QUIT the fucking job...it's NOT worth your health. Honest! I'm with gigi - maybe something in the animal field - you seem to really love them. Hang in there... we're here...

Posted by: sue at October 13, 2005 04:02 PM (WbfZD)

9 Sending you a great big hug Helen!

Posted by: justme at October 13, 2005 04:53 PM (irUos)

10 oh hon.... I am with the new name for the job. and I can sympathise with you on the ass bleed (dude can both of ours just go the fuck away??). what do you say to toasting vodka jellies. you do know vodka makes everything better GROS BISOUS!!!

Posted by: stinkerbell at October 13, 2005 05:13 PM (ZznPv)

11 Jesus. For the love of all that is good and right, get thee to a doctor. Honey, clots out of your ass is ska-wee shit. You're paying for your job with your health, love. And with that, I'll ratchet down the Mom Face. We just love you, gel. xoxo

Posted by: Margi at October 13, 2005 05:16 PM (nwEQH)

12 First off, please see a doctor about your "ass bleed". I certainly do not to wish any ill on you, but that could be serious and go downhill fast. With all of your irritable bowel problems, it is better to be safe than sorry. My sister suffers from Crohn's and let it go until she needed blood transplants and the whole shabang. It is in remission now, but the doc said she could have avoided a lot of her hospital stay if she would have gotten treatment earlier. I know you don't have much, if any, free time, but your health is worth it. Just as you are talking to a therapist to help you with your mental health, it is also important to take care of yourself physically. The mouth ulcer, hand herpes, weepy eye, and now the blood clots could all be linked-I hope all is well, but sounds like your immune system is taking a beating. Could be one underlying illness that is rearing its head in a lot of ugly ways. I won't tell you to quit your job, I know it was difficult for you before when you were out of work, and so happy when you got Dream Job. I do think it is running you down, as demanding and rewarding work tends to do. I don't have an easy answer, just sending lots of good thoughts your way. My hope is that soon things will calm down at work and life will become a little more smooth and mellow. Please take care (and in my best mom voice) "get your [bleeding] ass to the doctor ASAP!!"

Posted by: Teresa at October 13, 2005 06:30 PM (zf0DB)

13 Must stop reading archives. Must go back to work.

Posted by: Kim at October 13, 2005 10:31 PM (IrBq5)

14 Glad to hear I'm not the only one who leaps out of the stress and skives off wen it gets too much. I actually left work yesterday to "work from home" - cried all the way home in the car and then comforted myself with chocolate, liquorice and three hours on the couch watching pretaped Martha Stewart shows and Reba episodes..... and GOD it was good!!! Hang in there - and if you can, get a copy of the Mountain Gorilla's song "Gonna make it through this year if it kills me". It's currently on repeat on my iPOD!! Flik x PS I don't need to echo everyone else but PLEASE at the very least promise you'll see a doctor about the AB BEFORE you start IVF treatment - once you're taking drugs or have embies on board treatment options for anything they may find are limited. x

Posted by: Flikka at October 13, 2005 10:47 PM (puvdD)

15 what they said. Take care of yourself. I wish I had something witty to add, but I'll just send big hugs and virtual chocolate in your direction!

Posted by: caltechgirl at October 14, 2005 01:16 AM (mJAMK)

16 From a chinese medicine point of view, it sounds like your body is too "heaty". You should take more food from the "yin" category to counteract the "heat". Does this make any sense to you?

Posted by: cubic at October 14, 2005 03:10 AM (zXIN2)

17 Sorry I am a day late. Unfortunately, my work life is not much different than yours at the moment. Your work of art is Awesome. You definitely brought a smile to my face today.

Posted by: Paul at October 14, 2005 05:18 PM (avr9E)

18 Hugs and please take care of yourself!! Just know that you are loved and repeat to yourself a 150 times a day.

Posted by: Azalea at October 15, 2005 01:40 AM (hRxUm)

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