Work is still going...and going....and going. I tend to blog by writing up a post in Word, riding on the train, winging it on a memory stick, and then posting it in the first 5 seconds I get, which is sometimes the only 5 seconds I get for the internet. I don't mind-at least I have bought myself one of these, so it makes transferring the files a little more humorous anyway.

I will always, always want to have toys.

Today will be spent travelling for a grand total of four hours on the train, to Birmingham and back (that's pronounced "Birming-um") in order to attend a meeting that is only 5 hours long and which will suck the life out of me and crush my will to live. Today will be spent wishing to God I had a fun and interesting job, say being a marshmallow quality taste tester, for example.

I am lucky, though-with the exception of The Rooster, I get on really well with most of my team. They're good guys-a laugh, people that will try to tell you the truth, and people that know they can relax around me-I get my fair share of dirty jokes and innuendoes, and they know I won't be offended. I was sitting on the train thinking of how one of them recently told me that I am a laugh and they really like me, only they're scared to death of crossing me, since they know I will make them pay.

This amuses me, actually. First of all, I believe in karma and would therefore never make anyone pay. Secondly, I wouldn't even know how to make someone pay if I tried-glare at them a lot? Would that make them pay? Would it be better if I just got a straw voodoo doll and left it on their doorstep? Invoke the spirit guides to attack their pc (or, in lieu of that, just have me walk by them holding a up of steaming hot Starbucks coffee)?

So I was thinking about the things I say and do sometimes at work. It occurs to me that maybe I do come across as being tough, as being sarcastic. I am glad that people know I only laugh with those I like. I'm glad they don't take it personally.

Above all, I am glad the English are more reticent with their lawsuits.

********************************

I am sitting on the phone, dialed in to a conference call. The entire team has gathered on the phone and as the last member dials in, their talk turns to the one things that will divide the team, the one item that will cause a rift in our teamwork: football. They're battling over the last football match, arguing about plays, calls, and the hangovers they had afterwards. I rub my forehead. It just goes on, and on, and on...

Me: Guys, can we start now? There's just an awful lot of testosterone on this call, and I think I just grew a penis.

********************************

Greg and I are talking about the project since I took over in December.

Me: Did you mind me taking over from Barry, when he left?
Greg: Nope. I told management the new project manager is a lot cuter, but swears a lot more.

********************************

In a hurry, I dressed once again in an all-black ensemble after having a fashion emergency and rejecting every single item of clothing in my closet. Another project manager regards me as we punch the button for the elevator and head to the meeting room.

Him: Mourning the project already?
Me: No, I tried to dress in colors this morning, but I was so tired I wound up looking like Ronald McDonald on crack.

********************************

The men are talking about football again.

Me: Seriously, guys, can we stop talking about football?
Greg: God, Helen, we're talking abotu rugby. Get your games straight, for fuck's sake!
Me: What difference does it make what game you're talking about?
Greg: How can you say that?
Me: Football, rugby...it doesn't matter, you're wasting time talking about bruised-looking balls regardless.

********************************

The team has bought lunch, which will be eaten during a working meeting. The room is quiet as we eat as quickly as we can so we can get back to the project plan. Ron sits next to me and cracks open his plastic salad lid and I am hit with a strong smell.

Me: Ron, what the hell is that?
Him: It's a tuna salad.
Me: Jesus, it smells like a yeast infection.

********************************

I have booked a hot desk to use for the day. When I get to the desk, a squatter has already taken my space. I clear my throat.

Me: Sorry, I've booked this desk today.
Him: (looking up at me and frowning in annoyance) I just need this desk for thirty more minutes.
Me: Sorry, mate, but I booked the desk and have a conference call starting soon.
Him: (looking at me indignantly) Don't you understand? I have to write a summary for the CEO.
Me: (opening my eyes really wide) Oooooooooh! You must sleep so well at night, knowing that you are so busy and important!
Him: Don't you know who I am?
Me: No, but I'm looking forward to an introduction, since this has gone really well so far.
Him: I'm seventh in line to the Vice-President of the company!
Me: Really? I'm eighteenth in line to the Princess of Dallas, but you don't see me throwing my weight around.
Him: (huffily packing up his bag) I may mention to the Vice President that I was unable to get my report out in time due to you utilizing the desk space.
Me: Really? Ok. Tell him he owes me money.

********************************

Ron is droning on and on and on about the latest test results, talking in excruciatingly slow detail about the coding needed for the rocket. I feel my brain cells draining through my chipped red toenail polish.

Me: Ron, seriously, man. You make me hurt. More words, faster.

********************************

My manager has had a discussion with The Rooster, who has become strangely American during his short stay in the U.S. He has said that the recent delays by his company have resulted in him having a reduced sense of self-esteem. As such, my manager has now asked that we always communicate openly and honestly to help ensure mutual respect and appreciation, even though I have never denigrated The Rooster to his face, ever. He asked me to communicate this message.

What he forgot was how much I hate The Rooster and how the bastard has lied to me three times.

I sent out a memo announcing this new policy of mutual acceptance and respect. I hit the send button on the email, and an hour later my manager calls me.

Him: (laughing, choking down the line) God, Helen, you called it that?
Me: What? You asked for a new way of treating each other, I am only complying. I personally think The Rooster is a vat of ethic putrification, but you asked.
Him: It was very funny, thank you.
Me: That's what you get for having an American on your team.
Him: I get that. It's ok, your message was fine. But did you have to call it Group Hug Month?

I spared him from the knowledge that upon hearing it was Group Hug Month, the team requested we hire more females.

Preferably gymnasts.

********************************

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:24 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 1253 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Yeah Helen! I am impressed with your quick sense of humor. How do you come up with stuff like that? I am baffled, being somewhat slow witted, but I can sure appreciate it. Keep it up, girl!

Posted by: irene at February 10, 2005 09:10 AM (NFaeA)

2 you really are my hero! I want your spitfire for my interview next week And a team of brits with a sense of humor wouldnt be bad either...

Posted by: stinkerbell at February 10, 2005 12:57 PM (m18uI)

3 oh and if you need a female gymnast for group hug month, I am more than willing to be employed immediately (work visa pending...) I was one of em, even went to the fancy camps in Texas

Posted by: stinkerbell at February 10, 2005 12:58 PM (m18uI)

4 *lol* Thanks. I needed that. I've been stressing about some trials today, and that was just the pick-me-up I needed to start what promises to be a very unpleasant day.

Posted by: Easy at February 10, 2005 01:19 PM (SFQW4)

5 Yay, Helen! *stick my fingers in my mouth and whistle* Love the idea of group hug month. You may wish to mention to Rooster that self esteem comes from accomplishment and that may be a good way for him to go.

Posted by: RP at February 10, 2005 01:34 PM (LlPKh)

6 You're hilarious. I need to know more people like you in RL so I have someone to respect.

Posted by: Jadewolff at February 10, 2005 02:10 PM (8MfYL)

7 Damn, girl. You rock. The hot desk anecdote had me snorting coffee. No, seriously. Grind the beans fine and they pass through a rolled up $20 just fine.

Posted by: Jim at February 10, 2005 02:12 PM (tyQ8y)

8 HAHAHAHA Damn, I wish I could come up with things like that to say easily. I have to sit and think about responses like that, versus being able to say them at a drop of a hat.

Posted by: amber at February 10, 2005 02:29 PM (/ydz0)

9 Don't ever go away...I would miss your sense of humor so very much! You give me courage to stand up and be tough!

Posted by: Jennifer at February 10, 2005 02:47 PM (lHvU3)

10 i only wish i worked at a place where i could indulge my sarcasm. i miss working in construction. tell that vp that he owes me money too. i enjoy your work stories.

Posted by: becky at February 10, 2005 03:19 PM (/VG77)

11 Lots of laughs here Helen, thanks!

Posted by: Rebecca at February 10, 2005 03:22 PM (ZHfdF)

12 Gymnasts? Gymnasts are too bony for proper group hug month activities.

Posted by: Sigivald at February 10, 2005 10:32 PM (4JnZM)

13 I too rush home to put on the elastic waistband my jammies offer as well as not getting out of them on weekends until its time to go out. Was on a long conference call with the UK today and thought of you.

Posted by: suzanne at February 10, 2005 10:34 PM (GhfSh)

14 Your snippets are absolutely hilarious. I'd work for you. Not only for your sense of humor and your wit, but also because you seem to care about the things you do and the people you are with. Cheers.

Posted by: Barnaby at February 11, 2005 12:06 AM (iek4G)

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