On the airplane on the way back from Los Angeles to Heathrow (we spent a day in 16 hours of flights. There's something to make you want to weep.) I sat with Angus in the plush nice seats in an exit row. The kids were on the upper deck of the plane, away from us-we tried to re-arrange seats to move them down next to us but once the kids realized that they had what they call "Luxe" service upstairs, they were having none of this moving seats business (Melissa came downstairs with wide eyes. "Daddy!" she breathed. "They brought us newspapers and orange juice and we haven't even taken off yet!".)

Angus fell asleep pretty quickly, but I struggled. I just can't sleep on airplanes. And I certainly can't sleep on airplanes that offer over 30 movies on demand. So I watched the films, as I always do. I watched Ray (man, that Foxx can act). I watched a film I love, Garden State (it was strange that they showed it on a plane, seeing as the opening scene is of a violent plane crash. Talk about hedging your bets.) And I watched one of my other favorite movies again, the movie Closer.

I first saw Closer by myself on its opening day in the theatre. I had an entire 400-seat room all to my little lonesome and so I would periodically move around the theatre, not only to enjoy the ambience of a movie from a different seat, but simply because I had the freedom to do so. So I know how it felt when Larry and Alice talked in the gallery from the right-hand side of the theatre with a bottle of apple juice. The scene at the aquarium is from the second row. The strip dance is from the third row on the left with my feet curled under me.

I love this film. Not just because the film feels so real-adultery really does feel like that, break-ups really do happen like that-but because there are elements of how people really behave in it, behavior that the rest of Hollywood doesn't want us to see. After all, why pay money for watching something that doesn't, at the end of the day, amount to escapism?

There was one thing, in particular, that strikes a chord with me in this movie. In two scenes the leading ladies are facing a break-up. In both scenes it is over love, lust, and fidelity. And in both scenes the women flinch as they challenge their guy, knowing that a hand is about to fly and breach the space between them. They know they are about to be hit. They know the men have reached the threshold of language and are forced to resort to the next level, the level most men swear they will never reach and yet, in my experience, many men often do. The women know the exact moment that the argument has changed from the philosophical to the physical.

And that is something I too know.

You can feel it in a fight. If you are standing up and battling it out, there is a split second when you know what's about to happen. You can tell when it's coming, especially if you have been brought up in homes that include physical manifestations of heartbreak, or if you have neighbors, friends, or colleagues that fight. You know when your father is about to get violent or your neighbor is about to hit his wife in the flat below. You can tell the exact moment when everything changes.

The air holds still, and all you can see is their eyes.

The skin around their eyes tightens and the planes of the cheeks get flatter. The outside edges of their eyes pulls to the side, and their pupils go black. You may not even see his shoulders move, but trust me. You know. You can't take your eyes off each other if you tried.

The air is still, and not even the echo of the shouting remains. You can feel your heartbeat in the tiny vein in your wrist. You can feel your jawline. You can lick your lips and taste the electricity in the air, you feel the ions stick to the tip of your tongue. You hold your breath and know what's coming. It all happens so slow, yet it never happens slow enough to do anything about the strong hands that are headed your way.

You know that moment. That moment when he's about to pick you up and fling you against a wall. The moment when a telephone is about to be snatched off the end table and flung at a head. The moment when you have said something that they have no retort to, and that they don't know what else to do besides to just hit you.

When standing and fighting, I have never been taken by surprise. I may not have been able to do anything about it, but I knew in that fraction of a second that I was about to be pushed around. The only times I was ever taken by surprise were two incidences that happened in bed. In bed, where all things are supposed to be safe and quiet, where you do not expect to have to watch yourself.

It's funny, in a way. An ex once told me that he could understand why men are driven to violence against me, even if he himself never laid a finger on me. There is something about me that is innately smack-able, and even if I never know what it is, it does mean that I recognize when the eyes go squinty and the heartbeat in my wrist sounds strong. Getting hit hurts. Getting emotionally torn down hurts. Trying to live a flinch-free life is a prison sentence.

So many men swear up and down that they would never hit a woman, ever. Never, never, never. And yet a disproportionate number in my past parade did get physical. So is it that men often don't know where their threshold is, or is it that I have had the remarkable luck to pick the bad apples with incredible consistency? I seriously am not having a go at men here, no man-bashing, only it confuses me. It's perhaps like the men who say: "I don't care about my enjoyment in bed, I only care about hers." Well, that's very noble of you, but then why is it I have only ever had two lovers that really did behave in that way and really did apply themselves? Is the rest of it lip service, is it what you really want to feel about yourself, or is that really how it is and I just pick the losers?

Like the women in the film, I too have challenged a man with: "What are you going to do, hit me?" And you know, that challenge almost always gets through to a man. In my experience, if you say that something in their eyes wakes up and realizes what they are about to do. The itchy palms they have stop itching as they realize that they are about to slap more than just a face, they are about to mar something much bigger that that.

Some bruises, after all, never heal.

-H.

Note of disclaimer: This is not prompted in any way by any actions of my Dear Boy, who is, in fact, in Germany right now. This honestly was based on me thinking about the movie on the flight, so don't worry that something is amiss.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:37 PM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 1278 words, total size 7 kb.

1 I've never hit a woman. I doubt that there is anything about you that is smackable. I think, in that regard, the fault lies within them and not you.

Posted by: RP at March 15, 2005 01:15 PM (LlPKh)

2 Men are supposed to make life good for women. Call me crazy, but I don't think hitting them fulfills that part of manhood.

Posted by: Solomon at March 15, 2005 01:25 PM (k1sTy)

3 I have hit a woman before, but it was work related, not relationship related. It's not you who caused the violence. I have certainly been angry enough to hit someone, but I don't act on it. We all feel that urge to hit someone sometimes, but for most of us it's a fleeting impulse, not a lifestyle.

Posted by: Easy at March 15, 2005 01:26 PM (kWUWQ)

4 Solomon-I agree with your point, as much as we like making men's lives more comfortable.

Posted by: Helen at March 15, 2005 01:28 PM (Vd6WF)

5 Two words for you: Martial Arts

Posted by: Chris at March 15, 2005 01:29 PM (fPPZH)

6 I'm in the disporportionate club too.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at March 15, 2005 02:08 PM (Zg+AA)

7 I'll throw in a "Me too" along with Ms. Pants. I've always wondered if there was just something "off" with me that seemed to bring out the absolute worst in the men I've dated.

Posted by: amber at March 15, 2005 03:09 PM (/ydz0)

8 Having never been smacked (or smacker), I am coming from an outside viewpoint, but... the way I've understood it, it's not that in some way you are smackable, but that you have been smacked. It's one of those subconcious predatorial instincts that smackers seek out, the flinch they know is there. So therefore it is not your fault that you have dated guys who smack, only that you've had a disproportionate amount to choose from because they believed that you were vunerable. Perhaps at one point you were, but from reading your journal I believe you are much less so, and the more time you spend in the company of your Dear Boy, the less vunerable you will seem (because there's nothing like a little loving kindness to make someone more confident.) Self-control is not when a person has no urge to hit; self-control is when they have the urge and still don't do it. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Posted by: B. Durbin at March 15, 2005 03:55 PM (e+pdA)

9 I have, unfortunately, been on the recieving end of domestic violence. Two of my past girlfriends resorted to violence in an argument. The first I held until she stopped trying to claw me and the second I actually had to call the police and they took her to jail for the evening. Now, I'm a large guy and all of my male friends would think long and hard before resorting to physical violence against me, so I never understood what these girls were thinking when they tried to hurt me. That is until a female friend of mine admitted to hitting a couple of her boyfriends when asked about this she replied "It seems safe or even ok to hit a man because they are supposed to be in control of themselves at all times. You never hear of a woman getting in trouble and everyone knows that if the man hits back he is going to jail." I then told her about my ex being put away for 24 hours and having to go to court and she is re-thinking her position.

Posted by: Brass at March 15, 2005 04:48 PM (6TLEO)

10 I too have hit a man. I slapped him. In honesty, it was after dusting myself off from getting winged into a tree, but still it's no defence-violence begets violence. I can't understand women that hit their men, but then I can't understand men that hit their women, either. Sorry you had to go through that, Brass. And you've been missed here. B Durbin-that was a fantastic summation of self-control. Honest, it was perfect. And about martial arts-I have done, in the past. I'm looking to explore my kindler gentler side and am about to take up Pilates

Posted by: Helen at March 15, 2005 05:35 PM (Vd6WF)

11 Yeeeesh....welll...okay, Dan has never hit a woman (I'm not counting our spankings and slap-n-tickle fun times during sex...that's, um...a TOTALLY different thing *grins*). And not only has he never hit a woman (again, in order to hurt her), he thinks men who strike women are beneath the lowliest form of life and deserve to be burned alive or at least have their scrotums ripped out or something equally horrible. However...I'm not proud to admit that although he has never come close to hitting me, he did punch the wall one time in frustration because I was being so incredibly...sarcastic and superior acting. Dan told me NOBODY had ever driven him to be so frustrated, not even the bitches he'd been with before me. Women I have zero respect for. So, finally he videotaped me once when we were arguing and...I'm sorry to say, it wasn't pretty. I actually burst into tears when I saw how bitchy and evil I was acting. How ugly my voice was, how ugly my *face* was, how devoid of respect or anything compassionate. I wasn't being open-minded and reasonable the way I *thought* I was behaving; I was actually being fairly horrible. Even though I love Dan to distraction! *I* would have wanted to hit me if I'd been talking to me that way. :-( So now I have a slightly different perspective towards my ex who lost his temper with me many times....am I saying I "deserved" it? HELL NO! NOBODY deserves to be hit, no matter what we say or do. Unless you hit first, and it's self-defense. But...I have to admit, after watching that tape, I can see how hard it might be to keep one's temper in the face of someone as nasty and bitchy and dripping with sarcasm as I apparently can be. Oh, I didn't call names, I didn't scream and yell...no. I was *superior* acting. As if everything I said was perfect and everything he said was less than dirt. Even though I would have sworn on my kids' lives I wasn't acting that way at the time. :-( Additional disclaimer: One more time: I'm NOT saying anyone should be hit for words or attitude; nobody should EVER have violence directed at them PERIOD, unless they were being physical first and it's defense...people don't have to hit; we can all hold our tempers. I'm just saying, I'm not quite the innocent victim I once thought I was. And I thank Dan for opening my eyes on this...sorry to ramble, Helen, you hit a nerve in me...

Posted by: Amber at March 15, 2005 08:17 PM (zQE5D)

12 I've had one boyfriend who thought he could hit me, well beat me. He was a kick boxer and knew how to make it hurt. My position was that everyone has to sleep sometime and I waited until he was asleep and smashed a lamp over his head and while he was still unconscious - packed my things and left. Not to say every man since him have been saints but none that thought they could get away with hitting me with no consequences.

Posted by: Lost at March 15, 2005 09:07 PM (+55f8)

13 You really have some thought-provoking posts. I too fall into the "I'll never hit women, even when they deserve it" category. When I feel a confrontation with a mate is getting out of hand (or my temper) then I WALK AWAY. I will put distance, and preferably a door, between me and her until I am in better control of my emotions. Fortunately, it has never progressed beyond that to the point where I end up cornered. Honestly, at that point, all bets may be off. And then it's time to seriously reexamine the relationship, because physical abuse by either party means a dysfunctional relationship. Communication is the key here. Without communication, there is no relationship. And if said "communication" involves physical or verbal abuse, then there should be no relationship. Both parties need to part their ways. And I also put her pleasure in bed before mine. Much more enjoyable to me if I know she's getting off. That's not selfish, is it?

Posted by: diamond dave at March 15, 2005 11:02 PM (85I1+)

14 Are you sure you didn't watch Million Dollar Baby?

Posted by: Simon at March 16, 2005 12:35 AM (OyeEA)

15 I think I have provoked my fiance into almost hitting me, which is scary both to me and him. I wanna see Closer now, still haven't had the opportunity

Posted by: Juls at March 16, 2005 02:04 AM (9aRbg)

16 I've never ever hit anyone so I have no tale to tell. I think it is our innate Fight or Flight response on a mental level. There is a mental corner that men can get pushed into I think. And that corner is when there is no way to resolve the issue--we don't have the mental tools to fix the issue. Or where we see that logic will do nothing to make the issue more clear. Once provoked beyond that point the man is in the mental corner. How he handles himself next proves how good of a person he can be. Does he hit (fight) the woman out of not having a way to resolve the issue or does he take flight and leave the mental corner until the issue can be addressed later? The good man will realize that the issue can be resolved later and that hitting someone is wrong. The bad man will will hit the woman out of being unable to cope with the situation and will later regret his actions. Like someone said earlier communication is key. Understanding of each other must be maintained so that physical conflict can be avoided. Essentially it is mandatory that both the man and woman talk and respect each others opinions or views. Only by doing that and respecting one another will a potential for physical conflict be avoided.

Posted by: John at March 16, 2005 04:37 AM (cEaqX)

17 Simon-I did watch Million Dollar Baby in Hawaii. Truthfully? I thought it was just ok. Entertaining, but nothing to change my life or anything.

Posted by: Helen at March 16, 2005 09:37 AM (eyzrV)

18 B Durbin, Dave and John have got it right. A very long time ago, when I was too patient and I knew nothing about relationships and I thought I knew everything about love, I got physical with my first girlfriend in high school. We had been together for over a year and were arguing on a weekly basis when, twice, after these arguments, I literally tried to pull her up off the floor to go to class. I was backed into a corner, emotionally, and I had no idea how else to react. I somehow thought that if we went to class together, things would be okay. It was bad and stupid and I was written up by our guidance couselor after she reported me. A month later, I broke up with her because I didn't like who I was becoming. After a month of avoiding her, she cornered me one morning before classes to convince me to get back together with her (I never understood that). When I tried to sidestep her, she slugged me, full force in the center of my chest. It hurt to breathe for the rest of that day. But I just walked away. Men need to learn how to communicate, because violence is the resort of the inarticulate. Men need to learn how to walk away, because some situations cannot be dealt with. And, men need to learn control, because that's what separates us from the apes. Women need to know that men are not mind-readers (just because you know what you really mean does not mean we have a clue, and no, we don't know what the fight is really about). And everyone has to understand that bruises may heal, but the wounds left by both words or actions can fester for a very long time. That being said, between a lot of instrospection and some therapy, I anger more easily, speak my mind more often, and have never hit anyone since. When my wife and I argue and reach an impasse or can't stand it, one or the other of us will just walk away. We love each other and know that the disagreement doesn't change that, and when we're feeling a little calmer, we'll settle the difference and kiss and make up. I'm a lucky man. May everyone be as lucky as me.

Posted by: Barnaby at March 17, 2005 12:57 AM (iek4G)

19 I don't know why I caught on to the fact that men aren't mind-readers at an early age. Probably hung around them all the time (my nearest sib was a brother who I hung around more than he liked.) But I have never understood the attitude of "if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you." It makes me wonder what problems get solved that way. A note for women: Try to articulate your feelings, and assume that men really can't see what's going on. Do more than drop hints about major dates; say things like "I'm going to get off work early next Thursday for our anniversary. Maybe we could do — ." Seriously, they can't take hints, so flat-out tell them what you want. It makes everything more relaxed, especially if they're not that great with the giving of gifts. Or you could just remember my husband's comment: "Men are stupid and women are evil." It makes me smile just to think it...

Posted by: B. Durbin at March 17, 2005 09:19 PM (e+pdA)

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