Last night I made Angus' favorite meal, a red onion and goats cheese tart. We had talked a lot yesterday-he knows I am blue and wants to help me (and I'm very sorry that my blog has been so depressing lately), only I don't seem very good at articulating what's wrong. I have to think about my feelings a long time before I can clearly point to things and say:
While cutting up the onions last night my eyes streamed more than usual. Being something of a dork, a quick search on Ask Jeeves told me that cut onions form a mild sulfuric acid when mixing with tears, which I guess means we are crying toxic tears. And I was no different last night, stirring in herbs and crying my sulfuric acid onion tears.
Only there came a point when the solitude of my caramelizing the onions in some balsamic vinegar merged from the chemical tears to the sobbingly real kind.
Life is strange like that. You have a great thing that has a hidden stinger in it, a little thorn you didn't realize until you peel the layer back and look closer. Like the caramelized onions-strange that a red onion can taste so sweet when you cook it with a little balsamic vinegar. You think you're going to get a sharp bite in your mouth when instead it oozes delightfully all over the top of your tongue. It's an overwhelmingly positive sensation, but the red onions will delight in the other form of gas that will light up my yoga class so delightfully this evening.
I find a new singer named Jem whose album makes my knees tremble. I downloaded the whole thing on iTunes and love every single song, she reminds me of the fresh originality that Sarah McLachlan has. Then the radio has to go and call her "The new Dido" and I think: Christ, she's already considered passe and I only just found her!
My 31st birthday is tomorrow. As of tomorrow morning I am in another age bracket on those forms, the one that reads, ungratefully, "31-35". I am another age range. I am another statistic. With the removal of a zero and the addition of a 1, I get cheaper car insurance. 31, while now a sign of respectability and responsibility, also means I have just ticked down a notch in the success bracket of IVF treatment, so I'm more likely to afford it, just less likely to succeed. I am now proof I not only met the graceful slope of 30 but that I rode my sled down it. I get to avoid being a wacky Hollywood stereotype-"Hi, I'm Helen! I'm 30! I know, isn't it weird?" I mean, you never hear of 31 year-olds making headlines. We just lie low. We just go about keeping the world on its orderly axis. It's an umremarkable age for an unremarkable chick. No panic here.
But at the same time it means stepping up my Pilates and yoga classes, as in my family genetics proves the body-spread starts occuring in the mid-30's, and I want to keep my ass in the shape it's in, in the shape I've gotten used to. It means that I will be buying scary Bridget Jones pants in order to make sure that I look slim and trim under my cool but bizarre hemp dress at the wedding this weekend, as I don't want people to think: Ah yes. She's over thirty, definitely. Look-you can definitely pinch an inch there. Shame, really. She could've been cute.
Cooking the onions last night the sulfuric acid hit my tear ducts. As tears started to fall all the thinking that I did yesterday came to the surface in one big gulp. I realized how I am beginning to feel and the pain smacked me hard across the right-hand cheek of my face. It was all I could do to keep from detracting from what I wrote yesterday, from what I have been trying to fix myself on. I had to keep from racing around the house and finding everything she'd ever given me and hoarding them in one spot to keep them safe.
I feel like I'm not supposed to talk about it in case my family is reading. But I never know how I feel about things unless I spend some time putting them in writing, so I can only skim the surface of this one as my hands are tied and my mouth is gagged.
I am on hold as I wait for a phone call. I get to live in England, a country I enjoy more than any other home I've ever known, with the love of my life that I still can't keep my hands off of. But the hidden thorn in this one is that financially and logistically I can't be in Dallas at a moment's notice. It means I can't be there instantly but have to wait for the right time, which I should find out by phone any time now. It means I wait here until I receive word of when I can and will go back for a visit.
Because my grandmother is dying and I'm going to go tell her that I love her.
-H.
PS-Happy birthday, Mitzi.
PPS-I may still have a few bugs in my email-if you haven't heard from me and were waiting for me to tag you back, then please blip me a mail and I will try again with a response.
1
I'm sorry about your gran, but excited about your birthday. As for the job, why not use the chance for direct interaction with uber-management to let them know exactly how hard you've been working, what a great job you and your team have been doing and what your boss has been doing. You'll need to be subtle but it will work wonders.
Posted by: Simon at March 31, 2005 10:34 AM (FUPxT)
2
love never forget that people are important (so go tell grandma that you love her) and that you are people too (so take care of you).
I have a package that will be on its way to you for the birthday in a bit. Keep an eye out for it
and for fun- TAG you're it!
Posted by: stinkerbell at March 31, 2005 11:05 AM (ZznPv)
3
Some say its bad luck, but as I wont be near a computer tomorrow... happy birthday!
Getting older, err... I mean, less younger ;-), made me realize that I have to say goodbye to people I love more and more often. And some I really miss. Why doesn´t it get any easyer tough?
Simon, is that really a good advice? Won´t it look like shes trying to hard to impress, steping on her toes saying "here I am, here I am..."?
Posted by: Miguel at March 31, 2005 11:37 AM (ccqEl)
4
Thank you so much for your kind birthday greeting, and lots of happy birthday thoughts will be winging their way to England from East Texas tomorrow....
I send a big hug to you, and will think good thoughts about you and your grandmother...
Posted by: Mitzi Moore at March 31, 2005 12:19 PM (sVAeP)
5
A tip for cutting onions: Breathe through your mouth.
There's an actual explanation for this, but it's been so long I'm not really sure. Something about the tear ducts being so close to the nasal passages. Anyway, it works.
Posted by: ~Easy at March 31, 2005 12:42 PM (tOTOf)
6
Depending on your grandmother's state, I'd say go see her this weekend. Don't wait. Ignore the cost of the flight and any inconvenience. Those will be non-issues in a month's time. Missing seeing your grandmother one last time would be a life long issue.
If I was in your situation, I'd go this Friday for the weekend and then for a week after Jeff gets back.
Posted by: Solomon at March 31, 2005 01:11 PM (k1sTy)
7
I'm terribly sorry about your grandmother and I hope that you get the chance to say goodbye.
I know you don't feel much like celebrating right now, but let me send my very best happy birthday wishes, just the same.
And I agree with Simon. Uncontrolled access to the uber higher ups may be a very good thing for you going forward.
Posted by: RP at March 31, 2005 01:15 PM (LlPKh)
8
Happy Birthday Helen.
Sorry to hear about your gran. Take it from one who waited too long - go and see her and tell her how much you love her. I missed that chance and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Posted by: Lost at March 31, 2005 01:20 PM (aa+g9)
9
I hope you make it back in time to tell your grandma that you love her. But if you don't, she'll still know. She's your grandma. You could have gone your whole life without ever saying those three words and she would still know.
Posted by: Lindsay at March 31, 2005 02:07 PM (srIAp)
10
Consider yourself blipped--I didn't think your email was working. You've never actively ignored me. Unless that's what you're doing now, in which case, carry on.
Another tip for cutting onions--burn a votive candle very near to the cutting board. The flame does something to the vapours of the onion. It's the only way I can get through it.
Happy birthday, you. Please don't worry about being depressing on your blog. It's YOUR blog, babe. Take it back. It's not a medium for the masses--it's a medium for YOU. And sod any wanker who doesn't like it. (Spoken like a true fake septic.)
Am very sorry to hear about your g-ma. Let me know when your email is working again and I'll send you a proper note complete with new phone number.
Love you.
Posted by: Ms. Pants at March 31, 2005 02:26 PM (LvgfR)
11
I'm so sorry about your grandmother... I'm going through something similar with my grandfather at the moment, and it's the waiting that hurts, at least for me.
Thirty-one hasn't been that shabby to me yet, but it's only been a few weeks since I got to move up in the age brackets on the surveys and such. We'll see how it goes.
Posted by: amber at March 31, 2005 02:45 PM (VZEhb)
12
It is very hard being far away when a loved one is sick and you can't just drop and run at a moments notice. My dear uncle passed away and I couldn't be there. I hope you get to see your gran soon and hug her.
31 is not old. I couldn't wait to be in my 30's! I have loved every one of them. But now that I am in my last one I am scared as shit! I will be 40 at the end of this year! How the heck did that happen? I am to young to be 40! You look great in all your pic's H!
Posted by: justme at March 31, 2005 03:28 PM (IXW/x)
13
So sorry about your Grandmother
but, hope it is a very very Happy Birthday anyway ((((((Helen))))))))!!!!
Posted by: Elizabeth at March 31, 2005 03:30 PM (vjq8o)
14
big hugs, babe. big hugs.
Posted by: amy t. at March 31, 2005 03:37 PM (zPssd)
15
i lost my grandmother last year. but i did get to go back just a few months prior and tell her i love her. i'm glad you're going. no matter what other drama may unfold. i think you'll be happy you did. i know i am.
Posted by: becky at March 31, 2005 04:09 PM (/VG77)
16
Helen
Come on now, your a waif! Complexity of body image in the UK I think...I feel at ease there because I am "normal" as a size UK 14-16 (god help me) but at the same time there is Bridget who was crucified for being what 130-140 lbs ? Thats my goal...props for the scary stomach holding in panties/pants.
Hope you feel better, I've had that kind of mood for awhile now too...perhaps its the season ?
Sorry to hear about your grandmother
I've been thinking a lot about that aspect of living so far from 'home' as my upcoming move looms closer. Wishing you the best.
Posted by: Juls at March 31, 2005 06:20 PM (/hT36)
17
Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Posted by: Juls at March 31, 2005 06:21 PM (9aRbg)
18
Happy early birthday Helen, I hope you have a good day tomorrow.
I just turned 30 yesterday so I know how you feel.
take care
A
Posted by: Agamemnon at March 31, 2005 06:54 PM (mkbJL)
19
Aw..sweetie. I'm so sorry about your Grandmother. It's wonderful that she has your love. :-)
Jem is fabulous! I have "Falling For Love", unfortunately it's the only one I have and I just adore it. If you'd like the Mp3, email me and I'll send it along to you. Such a beautiful, haunting voice.
Is the whole CD that good? Maybe I should buy it.
And never apologize for your blog; it hasn't been depressing at all. Everything you write is beautiful. Lyrical. I always enjoy your blog. :-)
Posted by: Amber at March 31, 2005 07:32 PM (zQE5D)
20
Helen, I'm so very sorry to hear about your grandmother.
I'd like to wish you a happy and safe birthday.
Posted by: Victor at March 31, 2005 08:17 PM (L3qPK)
21
Aw honey I'm so sorry to hear that your dear grandma is dying. I hope you get the opportunity to tell her once last time that you love her and how much she has meant to your life. I agree with another poster, just drop everything and run over for a quickie before you have to take over the management at work and deal with all of that.
So far as being depressing. I don't find your site depressing at all and I have spent many interesting hours reading all of your archives. I think you are amazing and will just become more so as you grow older! So Happy Birthday!
Posted by: dee at March 31, 2005 11:34 PM (sZnML)
22
I'm so sorry to hear about your Gran. T be frank (and I usually am!) considering that and the shock of Angus's high blood pressure and all the stress you've had at work lately I'm not suprised you can't stop crying.
Keep remembering this too shall pass.
As for turning 31 - the 30's are the BEST! Young enough to do it, career advanced enough to afford it and old enough to not make the dumb mistakes of the 2o's. It's all GOOD!!
Have a wonderful birthday. xx
Posted by: Flikka at April 01, 2005 01:57 AM (puvdD)
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I just bought Jem's album " finally woken" today. Love it!! Even better than Dido, but I still love her too. Hang in there Helen. You are stonger than you think. That is a quality I admire in you. You still make me smile!
Posted by: CarolC at April 01, 2005 02:33 AM (oOoPc)
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"Being born is like being kidnapped - and then sold into slavery." - Andy Warhol
I was hoping that would make you smile today! Happy birthday, dear talented, beautiful girl! I hope the clouds lift today and you can find the will to celebrate yourself, because there IS a lot to celebrate. Just look at the number of people you touch, people like me who come to your blog daily or weekly to find inspiration and joy in your wonderful way with words. So thank you and happy, happy birthday!
Posted by: redsaid at April 01, 2005 05:44 AM (MOafF)
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