Rousseau (you know Rousseau, right? The guy behind The Social Contract, the one who coined the term "noble savage"? The guy that's usually drunk on your couch the Sunday following a party, smelling of too many packs of cheap Gauloise and of self-righteous gin and absinthe cocktails? Yeah. Him.) once said something interesting. Well, OK, he said a few interesting things, some of which were rubbish, some of them good. But one of the good ones which I subscribe to is this:

It is not the criminal things which are hardest to confess, but the ridiculous and the shameful.

Now, he could afford to be so astute, being Swiss and all. But his idea is something I can subscribe to. I can tell people that I lost a job, that I tried to kill myself, that I am have spent my life on the lam trying to evade that other chick named Helen, the one that won't let me step outside of myself. I can tell people things like that easier than the nut job things that I seem to pull on a daily basis.

Nutty things like the fact that I sometimes look my cat Maggie in the eyes and I can tell she's plotting a massive coup of the empire of Luxembourg. I just know it. She's planning it one piece of cat nibble at a time.

Sitting on the floor of the study Sunday night I turn to Angus. "Do you think Maggie is the Devil's Spawn?" I ask.

He is used to my whims and fantasies. Typing on the PC, and with all the due concentration and gravity that a egomaniacal potential feline dictator in the home deserves, he considers. "Could be, dear." he replies.

I turn to Maggie and look in her eyes. "Are you the dominion of Satan?" I ask her seriously. She looks at me. "My precious darling, are you the dominion of Satan?" She rubs her head against my forehead and I know that she is secretly saying: Yes, and when I rule Luxembourg I have decided I will let you live.

Mumin walks in meowing. Angus turns from the PC at the sound. "Ah. I guess she's the one who is Satan's spawn."

"No," I say sadly, wondering how the gene pool can be so cruel. Curse Darwin and his bloody Galapagos Islands! "Mumin is not clever enough."

I imagine a conversation between Maggie and Mumin.

Maggie: I am close now Mumin. I have the fake passports we need. I have perfected my cliched French Pink Panther accent. It's only a matter of hiring a taxi, sneaking off to the airport, and persuading the guards with the Uzis that we're just ordinary housecats on a spin of the tarmac so we can run alongside a jumbo jet a la Bruce Willis (albeit with more hair) and hitch a ride to the country of my domination! Are you with me?

Mumin: Cheese.

I love that cat anyway.

It's true-sometimes the deep is easier to confess than the shallow. I can tell you that I am willing to work hard and help people out, but I can't tell you that if a person sends me an Outlook task reminding me that I need to do something to help them, I will deliberately not do it since I can't stand being controlled like that. I can talk about my divorce easier than admitting I talk to my cats and pretend they talk back (put the straightjacket down. I know they don't really talk). I can tell you that I was hit in a relationship with less self-consciousness than I can tell you what my pet peeve is.

Wanna' know what it is? OK. Here goes. Despite a lifetime of being an angry impatient chick, despite spending my teens and twenties getting flashed up about fucking everything, I have mellowed substantially. Wait in a long queue? OK. Deal with stupid people? Welcome to my job. Throughout my life, there is only one pet peeve that I have always had.

Repetitive noises.

Seriously, tap your pencil on your notebook and I am likely to rip your throat out using a bamboo back scratcher. Something vibrating in the car? Pull over to fix it or I may be justified in committing random acts of aggressive driving. If I were ever a spy and captured, I think would hold up well (sometimes the ability to step outside of yourself can be a good thing). Torture? Bring it on. After all, I love a good spanking. Rip my fingernails out? That's OK, I don't really like them anyway. Deprive me of sleep? Welcome to my insomniac Kafka life.

But once they started tapping a pen on the table, I would snap. I can see it now. "OK, OK, oh leader of the Luxembourg resistance movement!" I would scream in sick desperation. My eyes would be wild, my hair unkempt, and I'd be covered in cat hair. "The security code to the nuclear bomb storage unit is 1-2-3-4! OK! Satisfied? Now stop tapping the fucking pencil, for the love of God, man! And while we're at it, let's get rid of the Tender Vittle snack cakes on the table, OK? The smell is whipping me."

Yup. I'm embarrassed admitting my pet peeve. So it's true-you can admit to the serious easier than the ridiculous. I can back up Rousseau on that one.

I wonder if I really was a criminal if I could get on the stand and admit I could be behind the world's largest counterfitting operation, but would have to omit the fact that I once tripped over the cord of my sophisticated Xerox machine and that's how I wound up with stitches on my forehead.

Not that that happened, of course.

I'm just saying.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:48 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 980 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Your kitties are like an episode of Pinky and the Brain. Hehe.

Posted by: Jim at April 18, 2005 11:56 AM (MDLz3)

2 I know Rousseau as the whacked out old lady who made that strange island her home on Lost. (embarrassed grin.)

Posted by: Kate at April 18, 2005 12:17 PM (ouSkf)

3 Jim beat me to it. Def. Pinky and the Brain.

Posted by: Drew at April 18, 2005 01:13 PM (CBlhQ)

4 Let's see. One time I...no, I can't tell everyone that. Oh, but once I...nope, can't admit THAT. Here's one, I once went...better not tell that one either... Apparently Rousseau never met me; I can't confess anything. In all seriousness, I tend to confess both: criminal and shameful...although I probably haven't done too much "criminal" stuff aside from thinking it

Posted by: Solomon at April 18, 2005 01:35 PM (k1sTy)

5 Oh my god, I have the same repetitive noise problem! It drives me absolutely insane. One time I was checking in at a hotel and the clerk behind the counter was clicking her retractable ballpoint pen over and over and I seriously thought about killing her. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one!

Posted by: Alicia in Hawaii at April 18, 2005 01:41 PM (4kCEr)

6 I cannot stand repetative noises either. I too want to kill people for that.

Posted by: That Girl at April 18, 2005 02:08 PM (gu1Ur)

7 LOL. Same here. And I will admit a dirty little secret. All three of my kids have this habit of saying MOM,MOM,MOM, every time they call me. It drives me batty. The thoughts that have gone through my mind, I will never admit to of course.

Posted by: justme at April 18, 2005 02:57 PM (5DY82)

8 i have no problems with repetitive noises. very little bothers me, to be honest. the one thing that does drive me batty is someone using the non-word 'irregardless'. drives me bonkers.

Posted by: michael at April 18, 2005 04:19 PM (/Jsts)

9 Repetitive noises or words drive me nuts too. Why do people think they need to repeat the same word or phrase over and over again to get their point across? I got it the first time!

Posted by: Milly at April 18, 2005 04:27 PM (o8hq+)

10 While "irregardless" is indeed annoying, the catch phrase I hate is: "How come?" What, like "why" just won't do? We have to Cletus-ize that, too?

Posted by: Helen at April 18, 2005 04:49 PM (Oxw5k)

11 Tap, tap, tap,...I have a high threshold for repetitive noises and phrases, but they don't really bother me most of the time...tap, tap, tap...That notwithstanding...tap, tap, tap...Angel1 and Angel2 do quote movies to the point of annoyance sometimes...tap, tap, tap...Irregardless, I love them and put up with it...tap, tap, tap... Sorry guys, I couldn't resist Do nails on a chalk board bother anyone? I'm trying to think of how I can simulate that in case it does Hey, "irregardless" got past my spell checker. Is it going to go the way of "ain't" and become a valid word? That would bite.

Posted by: Solomon at April 18, 2005 05:02 PM (k1sTy)

12 My pet peeve is tangled wire hangers. I simply cannot function. I can't sit there patiently and untangle them. Instead, I must scream and hurl them across the room.

Posted by: emily at April 18, 2005 05:06 PM (KyeL/)

13 NARF! heheh. Pinky and the Brain.

Posted by: ~Easy at April 18, 2005 06:41 PM (npJc/)

14 Major Pet Peeves: Repetitive noises and people eating. If the girl next to me in Biology starts crunching her sweet-tarts tonight, I am going to get medieval on her ass! If the guy in the back doesn't stop clicking his ballpoint pen, I am going to break someone's wrist. Both of them. Also, people who type loudly. Speaker phone conversations. People who take cell phone calls in the Express Lane at the supermarket. Minor Pet Peeves: Nukyoolur, Irregardless, Acrosst. Pinky and the Brain! haha. Your kitties are in cahoots with my cat, I think!

Posted by: Ms. Q at April 18, 2005 08:46 PM (WUM14)

15 Gum snappers. Oh god, just shoot me now. Do these women (sorry to say it's *always* women) not realize that they look like cows chewing their damn cud!!? I'm calm, I'm calm...sorry, I was trapped with one of these idiots on a bus tour of Israel for 2 weeks several years ago and I've never recovered! :-)

Posted by: Jocelyn at April 18, 2005 11:11 PM (MePbh)

16 Repetitive noises for me, too, but particularly any noise that I can't control and can't make stop. Car alarms that won't shut off . . . blaring Tejano music at 7:00 a.m. . . . people who insist both on renting upper-floor apartments AND on wearing what must be boots of concrete while at home . . . any of it. It all makes me long to live in a cave somewhere.

Posted by: ilyka at April 19, 2005 02:18 AM (xtqk5)

17 So I suppose the repetitive hum of a vibrator rules that out of your life??? ;-)

Posted by: Simon at April 19, 2005 02:23 AM (GWTmv)

18 One of my cats has the same take-over mentality as Maggie-only difference is Clarissa wants the world at her beck and call. I am on my guard constantly and do put down coups 24/7. Furry butts be damned! I have the same allergic reaction to consistent intermittent noises, like a fire alarm battery about to go bad. Add to this cacophony of several doing the same thing at the same time. The perfect prescription for madness!!! I admit this. I have undergone this torture------

Posted by: azalea at April 20, 2005 02:30 AM (hRxUm)

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