Angus calls her The Murderer now, and the name has stuck.

Mumin, my simple, daft cat, has turned out to have a bloodthirst that I never knew was possible in a black cat with the paucity of intelligence that she has. All this time I have been duped. While Maggie was plotting to take over Luxembourg, Mumin had more concrete visions of working on a lower level, of abandoning lofty goals.

Mumin has taken to killing the neighborhood mice.

Vegetarian Helen is distraught. How can something I love so much be so evil? I know it's their nature, but still-can't I train the cats to sit with me and sing Kumbaya as we cuddle and nurture the neighborhood vermin?

Angus insisted from the get-go that the cats be trained to go inside and outside. Seeing as these are the first cats I have ever owned in my life that are allowed outside, I was petrified. How does one train a cat to come back? What do I do if they just take off running? What happens if something horrible happens to them?

Since they were identi-chipped to come to England, I bought them name tags with their names and Angus' phone number on them, as well as the screaming inscription 'I am identi-chipped' (that way animal research facilities are less likely to abduct them, knowing that they can be tracked). I updated all their shots and bought flea and worm preventative. Over-cautious doesn't begin to describe me-these are my babies, my perfect balls of black and white fluff.

So we started training them, 'walking them' around the house. It felt a bit stupid walking around behind a black and white housecat, but over time they grew comfortable. Now on warm days I simply open the doors and they come in and out, eating grass and checking on me. They are happy, and in return I am happy for them.

But something new has happened.

Tuesday evening, coming off a conference call, I bounce downstairs in my pajamas. Maggie is lounging in the hallway in the sun (ignoring the open doors) and Mumin is in the kitchen. I walk into the kitchen and see that she has one of her toy mice on the floor, and is pawing it. I smile, and then freeze as the toy mouse tries to do a runner out the door.

It was no toy.

It was a real mouse.

I scream and grab Mumin. I know I should praise her-this is, after all, a gift. She is looking at me with an expression that says: Mommy! Mommy! I just found out I like cheese and killing for fun! I really, really do! Just melt some of that Emmenthal over my little rodent buddy here and it will be the best day ever!

I springboard Mumin out of the kitchen and manage to pin the terrified and quaking little mouse in a corner (and it is a baby mouse at that). It looks unharmed, so I scoop it up and run outside, depositing it in my front garden. I know that I should kill it, but I just don't work that way. I just can't do it.

Shaking, I email Angus. He tells me that we knew this day was coming, only we thought it would be the clever Maggie who would be the hunter. Maggie, the elegant cat that was currently busy catching and eating flies in the hallway. Maggie, who was seemingly as vegetarian as I am, albeit with a craving for picante insect.

I call Angus to discuss this and walk back downstairs on the phone, only to find that Mumin has done it again-there is another mouse in the kitchen, only this time, it's dead.

Cue the hysterics.

I start babbling and screaming into the phone in tones only dogs can hear. Mumin looks puzzled, as though I am not catching what she's throwing at me. Dude, her expression says. Dial down the drama. This one is dead, ok? You'll like that better. You threw out my last Mother's Day gift, after all.

Once again Mumin gets springboarded out of the kitchen as I burst into tears and scream a lot. Putting the phone down, I grab some paper towels and pick up the dead baby mouse by the tail. As I am carrying it outside, its leg twitches and hits my finger and in my germ phobic horror I drop the mouse, letting it fall all the way to the concrete.

If it wasn't dead before it certainly was now.

This makes me cry harder. I too have joined the ranks of mouse murdering.

I make the girls come inside and shut the doors.

When Angus gets home it is clear that Mumin has an elsewhere she'd rather be. She's pawing at the doors and mewing pathetically.

'How's my little Murderer? Hmm? Wanting to practice your terrorism?' Angus purrs to Mumin, petting her. 'Thinking of killing again?'

She meows in response.

I wring my hands. 'Do you think that mouse went to mouse heaven?' I ask. 'You know. Since its life ended the way it did?'

Angus shrugs. 'I imagine being killed is a good way to earn that punch card, Helen.'

It must be my parenting. If I were a good parent my cats would be building mouse sanctuaries and helping me tie dye hippy clothing, not trying on a Tom & Jerry act.

I know I have to let Mumin out again, only this time I'll be standing guard at the doors. I know it's a present darling, but I'm more of a jewelry fan than roadkill, but thank you. Mommy loves you anyway.

Little Murderer.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:35 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 952 words, total size 5 kb.

1 things you learn from owning a cat # 1 mice are more robust than you give them credit for and can certainly handle a 5 foot drop onto almost any surface

Posted by: Rob at June 08, 2005 12:27 PM (kXZI6)

2 things you learn from owning a cat #2 Cats are hunters and will hunt and kill almost anything smaller than they are. You are living with little lions and no amound of cuddling can change that. Besides, mice are all germy and disgusting and full of protein LOL

Posted by: Lost at June 08, 2005 01:24 PM (0TguY)

3 A few scientific facts I just made up: 1) Cats, while nowhere near as smart as dogs, can indeed be trained to not kill their prey. Praise for a live catch, scolding for the ventilated ones, and you will soon have nothing but live ones. 2) Mouse feet are absolutly sterile, it has to do with the texture of their skin, and the coeficent of friction of germs. Perfectly clean up to their elbows. Same applies to their tails. 3) Item 1) will be important when Maggie beings putting her plans to action, it will be much easier to deal with her dragging home live heads of state from the neighboring countries, than dead ones and finally, 4) Its 5:30am here, ignore everything I say =)

Posted by: Dane at June 08, 2005 01:36 PM (ncyv4)

4 Have you tried a collar with a bell? I always thought it was silly that cat collars came with bells because it annoyed the hell out of my cats (who don't go outside). Then I learned from a friend (who has indoor/outdoor cats) that the bell is a good "early indicator" for birds and stuff that can hear the bell coming. Dunno if it would work for mice.

Posted by: Erin at June 08, 2005 01:41 PM (BuifH)

5 Goobers, the Marlon Brando Macy's Day Parade Float of a 26 pound cat, dropped a live mouse down my ultra cool, loose, ripped, Flashdance-style sweatshirt when I was a kid and he was a kitten. (Recall this cat lived 19 years.) As he graduated into his enormous-ness, he started bringing in huge, fuckoff mocking birds (dooming the rest of the cats to get divebombed in the backyard forever), and then eventually just stuck to gophers. Gophers, dude. Jesus christ. Anyway--here's the thing. Bringing in the kill is an act of love. They bring it to you to show you how much they dig you. "Here, I caught this--I won't eat it, though instinct says I should. It's for you. You have it." Bringing it in live is the ultimate show of love because it will be the freshest. Creepy, absolutely. But they're working on primordial instincts and unfortunately, they don't speak English. I actually asked my vet about this as the lizards became gophers and I became more and more skeeved out. Our vet said that any sort of freaking out (sorry to say) only tells the cat that this gift they brought you wasn't good enough and to try harder. When she brings something in, sure, you'll want to freak. Take a deep breath, and, as evenly as you can, say "Oh, good kitty! Thank you!" in a voice that she'll know means you're happy with her. We trained Goobers to know what "Take it outside" meant--obviously, to take whatever he had outside. We'd follow and as soon as he'd let go of whatever it was, we'd begin to pet him to distract him from his critter so that the critter could get away. (I'm a "let it live" gal too.) It's hard to stay calm, but the more you freak, the more she's going to bring you things to try to make you happy. As soon as we started telling our cats how "good" they were for bringing us presents, the presents tapered off. (Not to say they weren't catching them, but we weren't seeing them. So I'm able to tell myself that all the critters I didn't see are alive and well thankyouverymuch.) My kitties now (Bel and Phoebs) stick to hunting mosquitos and other bugs. And they know that I prefer my bugs to be dead and well marinated. (Phoebe loves wasps. Bel loves mosquitos.) Hold tight, Hel. Your babies love you.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at June 08, 2005 02:50 PM (PQfF5)

6 I have three male tabbies who bring home presents all the time: mice, birds, and rabbits. I once clocked one of my cats over the head with a flashlight because the present he was bringing home to mommy was a bunny, still alive and completely terrified, still in the jaws of my beautiful cat Hobbes. After I bonked Hobbes on the head with the flashlight, he dropped the bunny. The bunny freaked out for a while on the deck, but he got away safely. One of my other cats, Gizmo, once killed a bunny under the window of my neighbor's house. Have you ever heard a bunny scream? It is one of the worst sounds I have ever heard. I couldn't get to the cat in time and the bunny was dead before I got there. Ew...it still brings chills. Cats are cats though, and left to their own devices, that is what they do. Personally, I'm more concerned about my cats getting hit by a car. As a side note, animal testing facilities are not interested at all in capturing animals on the street. Animals for research are specifically bred for research only. They can't use domestic pets because it would skew the results of the research. The belief that captured animals are used in research is a urban legend created by PETA.

Posted by: trainy at June 08, 2005 02:53 PM (8K26L)

7 Dont deny your cats instincts to hunt.

Posted by: pylorns at June 08, 2005 03:17 PM (FTYER)

8 You know, I don't feel so guilty anymore for keeping my cats only indoors... I think I would make everyone in a 10 mile radius deaf if I screamed after seeing a dead, or live mouse.

Posted by: Rebecca at June 08, 2005 08:17 PM (ZHfdF)

9 They are doing what comes naturally. Mine don't hunt very much; they stalked a possum last week, but they were too lazy to go in for the kill. They do love to chase mice and moles, and I would not be unhappy if they caught one. I do draw the line at bunnies, though. No bunnies will die on my watch!

Posted by: kenju at June 08, 2005 08:21 PM (5U8GF)

10 You are a great writer. And I'm sorry about the mice...

Posted by: gigi at June 08, 2005 09:29 PM (+Qv5D)

11 My wife just called me and told that our dog, a miniature schnauzer, just grabbed a bird out of the air. When I get home from work, I am going to have to "take care" of the bird. She does not know if it is still alive or not. This breed is supposed to be a ratter not a birder! He has been chasing the birds for a few weeks now. We did not think that he could catch one!

Posted by: Dave T. at June 09, 2005 12:55 AM (hkvGr)

12 If you understand the psychology of it a bit. . . They are (and will) bring their kills to you -- because it's a present for you. They love you and want you to be well. It's a "Look how good a kitty I am, Mommy!" So, don't wear it as a necklace. Say "Good kitty" and put the mice in the trash. I know you're freaked, but they DO love you, you know. And lookit this way: This means you won't have the vermin eating your dry goods. Okay, okay. I'll shaddup now. xoxo

Posted by: Margi at June 09, 2005 09:55 AM (nwEQH)

13 I have a cat we nicknamed Killer Kawalski because of the pet cemetary (birds) he creates each summer in the corner of our yard. I tried belling him but he has a small head and big neck and the collar stays on for a day at best. I don't like it and maybe with the neighbour's tree gone (it provided easy access to the birds) it will slow down or stop. My other cat hunts earthworms and brings them home to "mommy". He is strange.

Posted by: Canuck Flash at June 09, 2005 06:51 PM (SVlYg)

14 My wife's cat recently killed 2 smallish rabbits. Beloved spouse happened upon the furry murderess gorging herself upon the corpses, whereupon she freaked out. I'm a bit more sanguine about this kitty behavior and was able to calm her down by telling her the fable of the fox and the scorpion. I love my cat. She follows me around and hops onto my lap or chest whenever I stop moving. She curls up next to me when I sleep. And she will kill any small critter that she can sink her claws into. It's just her nature. Tough to receive those little presents though, isn't it?

Posted by: physics geek at June 14, 2005 03:00 AM (auFn9)

Hide Comments | Add Comment