As I creep from 30 to 31, one thing is perfectly clear to me: I am not a Maytag.

I have no lifetime guarantee.

I'm more like one of the less robust knock-offs. My washing machine may be just as functional looking as the rest of them, I may have shiny buttons or the capacity for an extra spin cycle, but after 30 years you can't take me back and get a new one. Not even if I am falling apart.

I have never been a particularly healthy person, cold and flu season rubs its hands with glee when it sees me. I have migraines, iffy hearing, and constant nosebleeds despite 4 surgeries to rectify this. Up until I turned 13 I got a winning case of impetago on my ass every year at Thanksgiving. No one ever knew why, nor did they know why it just seemed to never come back again. I've broken a lot of bones and had more stitches than I can count. I have had (still have) skin cancer and have the scars to prove it (it looks like I survived an attack with an ice pick on my back. I tend to think that's a pretty good story). And that's not even bringing up the mental health issues, that's a whole other basket of fish to fry.

But as my warranty is up, the health shit is just getting weirder. I live with a socialist health care system but I honestly don't mind as it tends to work. It does mean that I had to wait four months for the doctor's appointment I have today, but I am hoping that it's more quality over time. The thyroid glands in my neck have been swollen and difficult for about 8 months now. Blood tests have been run and proven that there's nothing wrong from that perspective, so it's off to a specialist, an appointment I finally have this afternoon.

I have been thinking about how to explain what's wrong with me to my Maytag repairman:

(Put on best Russian accent). I drink irradiated borscht under Soviet regime. I do this for country. Good borscht, only it make me piss like fluorescent firefly.

(Put on best sorority girl voice). Ohmigod, it was, like, so cool. This American Navy boat came into Portsmouth, you know? And, like, I had to do my patriotic duty. (Sighs). So many blow jobs, so little time. I think I have sperm burn as a result.

Then I have another appointment coming up, one in which I see an orthopedic specialist. Sometime around New Year's I noticed a thick and painful bump under the joint of where my middle finger attaches to my hand. The bump has only gotten more painful over time to the point where it sometimes locks my hand into a closed position. A trip to my GP got me a diagnosis of "fucked-up tendon" (that's laymen's terms, of course) and a referral to the specialist.

This one has way more possibilities for explanation.

(Sit there and raise only middle finger to illustrate the problem.) I'm an American in a suck job. This is my middle finger. Any questions?

(Put on tough surfer chick voice). Our beach volleyball championship was so happeninng. I totally dove for the ball in order to snarf the other team and BLAMMO! jammed my finger. Got sand in my crotch too, but that's more an occupational hazard.

(Put on soroity girl voice). Ohmigod, it was, like, so cool. This American Navy boat came into Portsmouth, you know? And, like, I had to do my patriotic duty. (Sighs). So many hands jobs, so little time.

Not to mention another visit to the skin cancer chick in May, in which I have to bring up that one of the moles on the side of my face has been changing-it has a red rasied edge and actually hurts. I'll mention it, along with one of the following:

I have signed a deal with Ford Models. No, get that look of utter disbelief off your face, dammit! If you so much as leave a twitch of a scar I swear I will sue you for every inch of your firm. And don't look at my bum that way as though you've got some slicing and dicing to do there-it's insured too!

I think it's a zit trying to run away on my face.

Look, when you take it off, can you make the scar seem extreme? Like a pirate or something? That would totally rule.

Whatever the story I go with, my visit to the Maytag repairman today is something I am glad about. I am tired of feeling like I have rocks in my neck. At the same time, I really have to wonder why it is that I seem to be falling apart healthwise, and I just can't find my receipt.

It's the turning 31 thing.

Gotta' be it.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:48 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 836 words, total size 5 kb.

1 (said like a little kid) It could be a tumor. (said like Arnold Schwarzenagger) It's NOT a tumor. If you didn't see "Kindergarten Cop", that won't be funny at all. Even if you did see it, it may not be that funny. But seriously, I hope and pray that all is well.

Posted by: Solomon at March 22, 2005 12:50 PM (k1sTy)

2 Listen, 31 is nothing. Wait until you're 40, then tell me about it. On second thought, don't. I'l be in my 50's then and I probably won't have any sympathy then either...

Posted by: Easy at March 22, 2005 01:03 PM (dH3dd)

3 ugh, i feel your pain. after my trip to the breast surgeon, i have to make an appointment for the dermatologist for some funky mole on my back that i can't see. woohoo! sometimes it does seem like my body is imploding, but then again it's always had its quirks. wishin you the best at all your dr's appointments. i hope it's just sperm burn. ;-)

Posted by: kat at March 22, 2005 04:07 PM (8cFtB)

4 But at least you have a spectacularly perky rack. As long as you've got that, you've got it made.

Posted by: Jim at March 22, 2005 04:52 PM (tyQ8y)

5 I have to go back for an ultrasound of my throat, then they'll know more. Said ultrasound will occur in three months time. Then I will go back to discuss the results of the ultrasound and plan a course of action. This will occur about three months after the scan was done. What I said about health care in (that word which the mu.nu group has banned, to my utter displeasure)? I might need to tweak my view a bit... But Jim's right. Fucking perfect breasts do make me feel slightly calmer about Maytag visits.

Posted by: Helen at March 22, 2005 04:54 PM (Vd6WF)

6 31? 40? Wait to you hit the 50's!! I'll be 55 in a month. *sigh* Where does the time go? All kidding aside, sorry to hear of the delay in diagnosing your thyroid issue. Health care in the UK does suck. It's the one thing that would keep me from moving there...

Posted by: Kathy at March 22, 2005 07:07 PM (87x4U)

7 OMG I have the bump on my finger too, it is called a Ganglia, they are harmless unless they get too big then your tendon can catch on it and you will get trigger finger. Mine got really big then one day almost dissapeared. My mom says you can pound them with a book or hammer to break them up. Or surgery if is really bugs you.. good luck!

Posted by: cheryl at March 22, 2005 07:53 PM (/kuVz)

8 I just turned 36! But I feel mentally 21! Yikes are yo going to an NHS doctor?? Good luck!!

Posted by: mrsmogul at March 22, 2005 08:44 PM (Hx6C8)

9 I've been 31 officially since Friday, and it hasn't been too terrible so far. Other than I've ended up being pushed to the next grouping in any survey that asks for your age...

Posted by: amber at March 22, 2005 08:59 PM (VZEhb)

10 I had a ganglion cyst on one of my finger joints once too and from what I remember, it ended up just going away on its own. but they don't always do that. as Cheryl said, some doctors recommend hitting it, but I don't think I could do that to myself.

Posted by: girl at March 22, 2005 09:00 PM (uZxXS)

11 I agree.. turning 30... it's a changing point. I never had a cavity until I turned 30. Never had been in the hospital (let's not count the birth of Turtle) until I was 30... But there is the whole sexual peak thing that is nice.

Posted by: Snidget at March 22, 2005 09:30 PM (lLS3Y)

12 I regret to note that the rack will not be perky forever. Not to be too gloomy.

Posted by: RP at March 22, 2005 09:34 PM (LlPKh)

13 You know, I'd kick you if I didn't love you so much, RP. *sigh* I find myself watching the "old lady eye cream" commercials with a much more jaundiced eye lately. *double sigh* They don't make "Ass Lift cream" either, do they? Damn. Take care of that mole. Please. (Hubby has them, too.)

Posted by: Margi at March 23, 2005 07:12 AM (lWAiX)

14 It's better to be 30 than to be 90, the way I see it! Then again, a person at 90 is just standing at the doorstep of heaven, provided he or she has made himself/herself right with God. I am gonna repent of my sins (LOL) when I am abt 50. LoL!!! Cheers!

Posted by: hustler at March 23, 2005 09:44 AM (/4jQW)

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