I'd meant to be more upbeat today, after all I made it about ten hours with no tears. That's got to be worth something, right? Ten hours of no crying? I think that's something worth noting. I finally dried out.

But then I get an email this morning, one from my father. In the mail he indicates that the other family members bombarded him with phone messages about me. And what do they say? Why-you won't believe it! They say things that I wrote about ON MY BLOG.

Well I'll be goddammned. So even though said family members promised they would never read my blog again, it looks like someone has plum forgotten that promise, doesn't it? Or does it show that the promise was never intended to be kept anyway?

So all that time I believed you and thought-my blog is my private space, it's all anonymous, no one knows who we all are, well. Looks like I was wrong. So congratulations. You now know that I am planning on IVF, that work sucks, that I have a pink phone and that I'm off to New Zealand in 6 weeks. You know about my therapy, you know about my heartaches, heck-you even know when I'm getting my period.

In general, I have a rule about not blogging about family. I had to break my own rule and write about it after I hear the words "the baby" three times in as many minutes. I couldn't keep anything inside, it would have meant I would implode, I could have watched my organs go up in a conflagration. I don't hate the One Person-I just don't want anything to do with her right now. I imagine the feeling is mutual, to which I think...you know, I don't even know what I think. I guess, these days, I just really don't care (the division between sisters hurts you? Well, you shouldn't have called her your guarddog against me. Didn't help. Further, it winds me up that you called Dad and unloaded on him-that's out of order. Big time. My relationship with my Dad is no one's business but mine and his. I'm second, I've always been second, but let's let me have my one little moment of unrealistic happiness, m'kay?)

So I wrote about how awful I feel. But see, I thought you had kept your promise to not be here, so I could write my feelings about the One Person anyway.

I see I was wrong. Angus had actually not wanted me to write about the One Person, as he didn't want you guys to know how much it hurts me. Despite your misgivings about him, he actively wants us to work things out, to get close, to try to be a family again. He's not the bad guy. He never was-the truth is, there isn't a bad guy. We're all just people, people who need to know if there are limits and boundaries to how we can work together. Maybe this post will make things worse too, I don't know, I just don't know what else to do and I don't have reliable emotions to try to figure it out. I don't often vent about my life to you as I am-believe it or not-an extremely private person. That, and I know you have a lot on your plates, I don't want to add. I really don't. I figure I should just be in your lives as a support, which I can do, only I can't support the One Person, she's on her own (or no wait-she isn't. She has all of you, because as she reminded me last year I AM NO LONGER PART OF THE FAMILY.)

So congratulations. I thought it was impossible to feel worse than I already did, but the news from my Dad? Yeah. It's worse. The good news is my relationship with him isn't impacted at all (what, you're surprised that I thought it would be? Did you not realize what fucked up emotions I have inside, that the nature of my disorder means some of my emotions are frozen at childhood levels, unable to progress into adult comfort and "normal" levels without years of therapy? You didn't know that? Well, there you have it. I'm fucked up, but I guess you already read about that anyway.)

If we want to try to be a family, then stay off my site. I mean it. I would like us to have a relationship. I do hope things work out in the end. Right now it's not feeling positive on my end and, I imagine, on yours. I love you guys, but go away from here. I mean it-GO AWAY.

And my infertility site? Yeah, I'm not publishing the link for it on my site. If anyone wants access to it when it's up (which should be in the next week) then send me an email (it's the red link on my sidebar, under my picture that says: Write me an email!) and I'll send you the link.

If anyone needs me, I'm going to be curled up in the bathtub. I don't give a fuck. The ten hour subsidance of tears ended anyway.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:30 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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