Julian grabbed Margot and looked deeply into her eyes.

"How could you jump ship and swim through shark infested waters?"

Margot looked up at Julian through limpid pools of blue. "My darling! I thought you were dead! I decided to fling myself into the saltwater crystalline waters to take me to my watery grave to be with you!"

His hands dug into her silky smooth shoulders. "Don't lie to me, you whore! You went looking for Marco Fredrik!"

Margot looked shocked. "I could never love another man! I love you! Only you! It's your eyes I love, your rippling chest I adore, your throat I kiss! I can never look on another man but you!"

"He's my identical twin brother!" Julian snarled.

Margot bit her lip. "He doesn't have your sense of humor?"

Julian ground his groin cock Woody Woodpecker big mama slamma jamma member against her. "You're mine, you harlot! Mine!"

Margot's bottom lip swelled with desire. "Take me! Take me now!"

Julian ripped Margot's bodice right open.

"Now hang on a minute! That was my best bodice! My best bodice from PARIS!"

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I just got caught up in the moment darling, I-"

"No, I'm sorry. I over-reacted-"

"Are you sure? I-"

"No, I'm silly. Come on, come roger me senseless darling."

Julian threw her to the bed and stood over her hungrily, the shadow from the lantern behind hm outlining his body like a Viking. "I am going to prove you're mine now," he whispered hungrily, as he descended upon her soft and molded peachy flesh.

Yeah, OK. So I can't write romance. I never claimed to be able to walk on water or anything, so there you go.

What prompted this? The other day, while painting the kitchen, Danielle Steele's Secrets came on, a made for TV movie. I didn't change the channel as we only have terrestrial on that TV, not satellite (and I know that doesn't get any sympathy-My 32-inch plasma screen only has terrestrial in the kitchen, unlike the 42-inch in the lounge! Wah!) So I kept it on.

It was fantastic. Big hair, lots of people slapping each other, shoulder pads, and above all? Gold lamé . Lots and lots of gold lamé. I have no idea what the plot was about but all that sleeping around and lurking was fucking perfect.

I've never been a real fan of romance novels. I don't really see the point-it's usually about a woman who's Weak But Strong, i.e. she's a delicate little flower with big blue eyes and a waist you could set your beer in, who is all helpless and shit until the perfect moment comes, then she defeats the Huns/kills the pirates/overthrows a kingdom. Of course, along the way is a shifty-eyed hunk of burning love who rides great big stallions, has great big constantly rippling muscles, talks in a husky voice and has a dong the size of New Mexico, and loves only her, despite some point in the book being about him doubting her and her fidelity (that WHORE!)

I read a few of Julie Garwood's books, which I could get behind. I remember one heroine was particularly clumsy, and that appealed. A chick who falls flat on her face and yet wins Big Schlong Richard? Sign me up. I read a few of them, then they promptly lost appeal. Formulas do my head in.

I don't read romance novels.

But I do have to confess-I read Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, which depending on the bookseller is listed either as "romance" or "historical fiction". I started reading the series from the beginning many years ago (think of my first marriage and go north of that, and you'll have when I read the first one, called "Outlander" in the States and "Dragonfly in Amber" here.) I have re-read them many times, which is a rarity for me.

It's the story of an English nurse named Claire who falls through a time gate in the 1940's and lands smack in 1740's Jacobite Scotland (because that happens all the time. Totally realistic.) She's an average chick with a big arse who falls in love with the hunk o' burning Scot named Jamie. Claire is a tough fiesty lass that isn't put off by poo, blood, gore, or the average bear. Jamie is a chap who makes loads of mistakes and seems to have sex and honor pretty permanently on the brain, yet somehow he's a likeable character, someone real, someone who you would want to throw you to the ground and ravage you senseless. Claire and Jamie are broke most of the time, he's always getting smashed up somehow, and it seems like at any given moment they're riding into danger, away from danger, rutting like pigs, or being hunted by people that think rape is a national pasttime.

I should hate this kind of book.

Instead, I love it.

I have found I skip over the parts that I call "throbbing member". The slushy romance in the books, the trip and put the hot pulsating tumescent dick in the woman? Not my cup of tea anymore. The series is excellent, although the one I just finished-"The Fiery Cross" was a real slog. I didn't like that one and am pleased it's finally done, and luckily I've moved on to the next one "A Breath of Snow and Ashes", which so far I am enjoying.

I don't know what it means that I like this one series of books. They're well-written (except I have found two mistakes, which I wouldn't have noticed when I first read them. One is when Claire uses an Americanism in the first book that she'd never have used concerning the game Monopoly (and as I've now played the English version of it, I get the error), the other is when the author has a Swedish character who speaks only in German. As someone that speaks Swedish, these things stand out to me.), full of history, and I have to be honest-they're interesting. I actually like the characters of Jamie and Claire.

I like this romance line.

I hang my head in shame.

I also have the hots for Jamie.

I charge my rabbit up for that one.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:57 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 1047 words, total size 6 kb.

1 As an engineer and a strong woman, I don't usually go for romance novels either. However, I've been reading that series for a while, too. I started Outlander when I was going through my divorce and am on the 8th (or so) re-reading of the entire series. Somehow it never gets old. Whenever things get downright crappy, I haul it out and lose myself in Jamie. I admit it, I have a thing for big men with blue eyes...

Posted by: wicked at July 26, 2006 11:52 AM (WOOQd)

2 I admit it. I love romance novels. Though I love when the characters have depth, I'm not above reading formulas. I have a thing for series that end up having 4 friends and 4 different books about them. Bad thing about romance novels is when it gets thrown in your face by your husband in the middle of a fight...

Posted by: jadewolff at July 26, 2006 12:20 PM (cH5GO)

3 I'm sorry, but I hate romance novels - probably for all the same reasons you've suggested. I only regularily read one author, and that's just because she is a family friend who is published (8 books so far) and writes in that genre. I feel obligated to read them, you know? Other than that, the closest I come to romance is J.D. Robb and that's just 'cause they are sci-fi/detective with the romance not quite so blatent. (Okay, I like Roark, sue me...). Ahem... as I was saying...

Posted by: sue at July 26, 2006 02:46 PM (WbfZD)

4 Hi there! I love the Outlander books too, and have re-read them many times. Don't know what that says about us... I'm a Claire-like person (gardening, healing) without the redhaired hunk following me through Scotland. Sigh. "Outlander" and "Dragonfly in Amber" are two separate books ... the good news is that this may mean you've missed one of them and have a fresh new book to read.

Posted by: lambchop at July 26, 2006 03:11 PM (0bhhP)

5 You had me laughing up until the "changing of the rabbit". What does that mean?

Posted by: kenju at July 26, 2006 04:07 PM (2+7OT)

6 I have never understood the way people denigrate the romance novel. Ive done it sometimes but never really understood it. I think there are a lot of really good authors out there - Quick/Krentz, Phillips, etc. who write real-life people into their books, with problems everyone has. The "typical" romance novel has too-pretty characters with problems few people actually have. Once I found myself denigrating these novels precisly because the women were so "helpless" i wanted to smack them. And my bf said "Youre right, god forbid they dont write realistic woman into a fantasy novel." So I learned not to denigrate the novel while deciding that most of the romantic fantasies in them were not my particular ideal. God, that sounded pompous. Anyway, there's plenty of fine days you can find me curled up with a "Nora" wishing I didnt have to get off the couch to fetch my rabbit.

Posted by: That Girl at July 26, 2006 04:33 PM (oT4a3)

7 Um... changing of the rabbit is something they do in England, kind of like changing of the guard.

Posted by: Jen at July 26, 2006 04:54 PM (V45OB)

8 Always preferred noir novels for sex anyway. "She came at me like a slug from a .45. I barely had time to put my drink on the desk before she launched herself into me, sending my swivel chair into the radiator behind me" "Her lips were as hot as the grill at the downstairs diner, her hair draping over me like the bead curtains separating the "adult" section from the rest of the video store." Or something.

Posted by: Z at July 26, 2006 05:08 PM (ceOV5)

9 I just started reading Outlander. I'm only 2-1/2 chapters in, but so far so good!

Posted by: Melissa at July 26, 2006 05:15 PM (B3YpC)

10 This is my all time favorite series! I too am madly in love with Jamie!

Posted by: grace at July 26, 2006 06:08 PM (RM/z9)

11 I believe the lady said "charging up her rabbit", rather than changing it.... TMI, babe. TMI. I too am a fan of the Outlander books, despite LOATHING romance novels. I once found them in the Science Fiction section (the time-travelling, ya'know)

Posted by: caltechgirl at July 26, 2006 06:09 PM (/vgMZ)

12 Caltech Girl had it-"charge up the rabbit", as in "put extra batteries in the vibrator, lube up and dream of bodice ripping". Hey man-to each their own. And Lambchop, you're right-I had the titles wrong. "Outlander" and "Crossstitch" are the same books, only titled differently in different continents.

Posted by: Helen at July 26, 2006 09:31 PM (L2EWJ)

13 I like romance novels such as "Wuthering Heights" and my all time favorite, "Pride & Prejudice". Anything Jane Austen really. My MIL is the most conservative, proper, and really closed minded person I know. Imagine my surprise years ago when I found out she reads the cheap, tacky romance novels. The ones with Fabio on the cover and shit. I have never looked at her the same again-I think it was the day I began to respect her. ;-)

Posted by: Teresa at July 26, 2006 10:38 PM (f+o6m)

14 I used to love the romance novels of the 40's and 50's - my favorite all time author was Daphne DuMaurier......her novel, "The Loving Spirit" was one of my favorite all time books. Of course, when I read them I was much younger, but I never forgot them.

Posted by: suze at July 27, 2006 12:52 AM (6+DPO)

15 I've always been fond of romance novels that aren't listed as romance but are, nonetheless. Elizabeth Peters is one good example— her Vicky Bliss novels are mysteries, naturally, but they're only half a degree removed from romance (and have no awkwardly-described sex scenes.) For pure romance, I love Georgette Heyer, though she may be too tame for you. (Regency romances, no bodice-ripping. However, she actually has original plots.) And I've never read her, but I have a MALE friend who is very much into science ficiton who read books by Virginia Farmer after striking up a conversation with her and was utterly shocked to find out how good they were. Okay, he's gay. But he still is very much into the guy books.

Posted by: B. Durbin at July 27, 2006 03:52 AM (tie24)

16 I'm about to start the third novel in the series, it seems I'm a bit behind the curve.

Posted by: Donna at July 27, 2006 05:37 AM (Aanzg)

17 I think my mom recommended that series once, but I usually avoid the true "romance" books. From time to time I'll read stuff by Katie McAllister, mostly because she's just plain fun. I really liked the Corset Diaries, for example - the character seemed fairly real. Still, sometimes I get the feeling that all the authors do is add a new name and hair color and voila! one has a main character.

Posted by: Hannah at July 27, 2006 08:08 AM (5w+E2)

18 Add me to the list. Jamie? HOT. I waited until just a few years ago to read Outlander, and I loved it so much I read the next few books immediately after it. Fiery Cross was a snooze fest, but Snow & Ashes is much, much better. I really need to go back and read them again while I wait for the next in the series. Did you know there is a branch off series with the gay guy as the focus? I haven't read them, but they might be interesting. Mmmmm... Jamie.

Posted by: Christine at July 28, 2006 04:45 AM (g5yVi)

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