You know that scene from Sleepless in Seattle, when long-haired Meg and her fiancée are sitting on the bed together going through a routine of various unguents and health-care rituals before turning in? How coordinated and perfect the entire movement is, like synchronized swimming for the somnolent?

Yeah.

That's us.

Since coming back from San Francisco with a cold the size of Colin Farrell's ego, I've been big on the cold meds. Though Statia sent me Zicam, I've been reluctant to use it as, you know, then I'd use it up. I'd be out of Zicam. Out. And what happens if the Queen Mother of colds comes to stay? It comes, and I'm out of Zicam, a lovely cold product I can't get here in the UK? It would be tragedy.

I know-fucked-up way of thinking about it. Gratitude for things that you don't want to use and then they're gone.

So I've been resorting to the old-fashioned remedies. Not poultices made of mustard on the chest or holding my head over a bowl of steam or hanging the body of a chicken under the Zodiac moon on the front door or anything, but each night at bedtime I've been making out with my boy Vick. Vick, my new lover. Vick, family name Vap-o-Rub.

Remember when you had to have that shit as a kid and you hated it? Did you ever suspect that as you got older you'd love the stuff? That you would look forward to smelling like a menthol air freshener? Am I the only one who finds the smell sexy (but then, I love me the smell of rubbing alcohol. I could quit my job and become a professional hypochondriac for the fabulous smells alone.)

I've also been getting to know Ben. Ben Adryl. He's an ok chap, a little wussy maybe, but a reliable kind of guy.

I wake up with a head full of snot and the inability to pop my ears, but once they do squeak open after holding my breath so hard I nearly fart out my nose, the feeling is so painfully fantastic that I think I orgasm just a little bit. Angus has had a cold for the better part of two months, and you can find him by following the trail of nose sprays he leaves behind him. The cats often helpfully relocate these items for him, so I think we have about a dozen bottles of nose spray on the go. We've gone through the store-bought English cold medication like it was a packet of Skittles, which, considering how useful it is, it probably is a packet of Skittles.

But we have other routines. According to statistics, while sleeping, one man in eight snores, and one in ten grinds his teeth. Well I'm with a man who does one of them, and it got to the point where not a night was spent that both of us slept unless intoxicating hangover amounts of alcohol were involved. My cute boy snores and always has done, only for some reason it started keeping me up about 6 months ago (when I have a cold I snore, but my boy sweetly can sleep through it. He's a keeper and A BETTER PERSON THAN I.) In turn, he felt so terrible about keeping me up that he asked me to kick him when he snored. So I would, only it would wake him up, and this ritual so impacted him that he became a light sleeper, to the point where if I kicked him he stayed awake.

A few months went by where only one of us would get any sleep each night.

Then Angus came across this throat spray. He bought it in desperation, but actually it works. It has become our routine, along with the following:

After washing our faces and brushing our teeth, we go to bed. We take off the clothes and sit on our respective sides of the bed. I blow my nose and use an ocean spray wash to try to help my over-Kleenexed nose get some feeling back in it. Then I make sure there's an extra Kleenex on my side of the bed and one tucked into my pillow, just in case he snores.

Angus lays back on the bed and sprays three times on the back of his throat, and then I count to twenty while the medication rolls all over the back of his tongue and throat. Strangely, I can never make it to twenty without yawning, but when we're done, we're done. Then he sits up uses tea tree oil on any ouchies or boo-boos that he may have.

It's all crunchy granola all the time here.

I apply my Boots lip balm and rub lotion over my lizard-scaly winter elbows.

He unpacks a nose strip, one of those Breathe Right things, and applies it to the bridge of his nose.

After ensuring both of our water bottles are filled, I take a last sip before checking that it and my glasses are within arms' reach. You know. In case one of the cats is playing with matches by the side of the bed and gets a bit careless and I then need to put out the fire. Something like that.

Angus settles in sideways in bed. He has an anti-social reading stance, so I curl my legs around his butt and read my own book, using the light from his side of the bed. I hate bright reading areas. I have my own reading light but prefer not to use it, I can't read if the reading light is so bright you can flag down planes with it.

Inevitably I will get up an pee again. Sometimes I need to do this, sometimes I don't, but more often than not I feel like there's a bit of liquid in the pipe that I may need to remove.

If we've taken melatonin (a regular event these days) then we wait for it to kick in.

If I have a meeting the next day, I do one last check of the mobile phone. We are so fucking telecom-oriented that we don't use regular clocks (even though I have a fabulous clock, a 1980's cow clock that, if you use the alarm, plays out the sound of a cow bell ringing, followed by the cow saying: 'Moo! Wake up! Don't sleep your life away!' I fucking love that clock and paid a fortune for it on ebay, despite having had that clock as a kid and paying about $10 for it. But the cow is only used if absolutely essential that we get up, like if we have a flight or something as paranoia-inducing as that. Otherwise, we use the phones).

He turns the light off and I announce in a sing-song voice: 'Lights out! Angus has decided it's time to go to sleep!'

If we have sex we kick it off. Once we conclude, I dash (knees together) to the toilet to drain. I just can't go to sleep with a hooch full of spooge, I just can't. I know it's all rough and tumble to do so, every guy must love that idea, but I don't personally know anyone who can do that (anyone? Am I alone in the Sperm Drain Dash?) When I return, invariably to the wet spot side of the bed, we curl up together, him behind me.

Then we sleep until either the phones go off or the Land Rover next door wakes us up, where we then start out our morning routines.

Life. It's a series of products from Eckerd's.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

We are so ready for our retirement home in Florida now.

-H.

PS-Dear J from B (I am not sure if you want anonymity or not, so I'll go on the safe side here!) I love the books. Love them. The pigeon is fantastic.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:52 AM | Comments (22) | Add Comment
Post contains 1331 words, total size 7 kb.

1 each night at bedtime IÂ’ve been making out with my boy Vick. Vick, my new lover. Vick, family name Vap-o-Rub. dude. do you read minds or something? I had a post rolling around in my head containing a line almost identical to this one. you can't have my boyfriend, Vick, Helen! he's mine and I'm going to marry him! as for the Zicam, I'd be happy to send you some (and anything else you may need that you can't get on that side of the pond) anytime. I work in a pharmacy (our company bought all of the Eckerd's in the southern half of the U.S., btw, and renamed them) so I get a discount. just let me know! p.s. I do the spooge dash too.

Posted by: girl at January 26, 2006 01:50 PM (NDI2V)

2 I love Vicks-it is the greatest! Yes, my kids cry and whine when I want to apply it them, so I wait until they are sleeping then sneak it on. Yet I know one day they will appreciate its strong menthol tickling their nostrils, providing that coveted few moments of relief. Ah yes, I love the Vicks. I do the Sperm Drain Dash too-and as far as the resulting wet spot? I always make sure we finish up on his side of the bed.

Posted by: Teresa at January 26, 2006 02:30 PM (zf0DB)

3 You can buy zicam over the net, you know.

Posted by: bigdocmcd at January 26, 2006 03:25 PM (HZ6o7)

4 If I've got one of those "minor colds" I'll just sniff the vicks (or Mentholatum) in the jar to open things up. But, if it's a full on cold not only will I vicks up - but I'll put a turtle neck on over the top so I can pull the neck up and smell the menthal goodness. mmmmmm

Posted by: cursingmama at January 26, 2006 03:37 PM (PoQfr)

5 Must drain the Hooch! Except I lay there for about 20 minutes, sometimes with my legs in the air, trying to let gravity work. I know, I know it's almost zero chance I'll get pregnant the old-fashioned way, but I have to say I tried, right?

Posted by: donna at January 26, 2006 03:40 PM (1t7Pv)

6 I love that you referenced Eckerd's. I don't know why, but that was just cool to me. Anyway, I think just about every girl does the spooge dash. Ain't no shame in it. And I have to say, I'm not a huge fan of the vicks rub. I have a vicks inhaler and I will probably try the vicks plug in eventually. But my favorite, the Vicks Breathe Right strip. Holy crap, those things rock.

Posted by: amy t. at January 26, 2006 03:51 PM (zPssd)

7 I guess that makes me some kind of disgusting slut but I like it and sex makes me so tired I almost always fall right to sleep anyway.

Posted by: That Girl at January 26, 2006 04:08 PM (QzfsY)

8 i have to do the dash. because that dripping feeling will wake me up later and i HATE that! now you've got me curious - i'm going to have to look up zicam and see what it is.

Posted by: becky at January 26, 2006 04:42 PM (jv5jW)

9 I don't do the dash... I yell for the t-shirt that he took off before hand. The one reason that I didn't always mind that he didn't automatically drop the t-shirt into the laundry basket. Tuck it under me afterwards ... perfect.

Posted by: Hannah at January 26, 2006 05:20 PM (ImQx2)

10 I mostly do the dash b/c if I don't pee, there's a good chance that I'll get a bladder infection. and every woman who has ever had a bladder infection knows how incredibly unpleasant they are. so I pee, drink a ton of water, and then pee again. you just can't be too careful when it comes to the dreaded bladder infection.

Posted by: girl at January 26, 2006 05:20 PM (NDI2V)

11 We're like sistas from another mother! I swear it, I really do! except I am the sleep offender as I grind my teeth...quite badly..do you know how disconcerting it was to me the first time I woke up with my husband's hand on my jaw...trying to pry it open (just to MAKE IT STOP)...I thougth he was trying to kill me! Almost IDENTICAL routine aside from that though..hahhaha, and I also do the sprint...thank god for the ensuite! really!

Posted by: wn at January 26, 2006 06:17 PM (zh/oU)

12 Yes, the sprint. You must do the sprint, you know, to practice your kegels. That and also? The gushing. You know you're going to gush in the middle of the night. And I can be your regular zicam supplier.

Posted by: statia at January 26, 2006 06:40 PM (NsnoE)

13 Good God I thought I was alone in the world. All I have to say is thank God our new house has a master bath. No more hundred meter dash for me. And you can't have Vick. He's my friend!

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 26, 2006 07:42 PM (/vgMZ)

14 Oh yes..I pee straight after sex,cos if I dont I get a UTI.. And thats horrible pain!!

Posted by: butterflies at January 26, 2006 11:21 PM (RYaMh)

15 Routines are good. I have had the same one for many years, and it typically keeps me from insomnia. I have, like you added more medicinals to my routine as the years have passed.

Posted by: sophie at January 26, 2006 11:31 PM (yZwDD)

16 Nah, I guess I'm just a foul slut too because I all asleep right after. Dan barely gets to say, "G'night!". Besides, I love the thought of all Dan's "spooge" being inside me all night (spooge? Yeesh, Helen! ;-). Sorry you caught the cold that's going around out here in wonderful NorCal. Lucy has it at the moment and most of the rest of us had it last month. It's a bitch, for sure. As to kid's alarm clocks, that sounds familiar. Lucy and Ray's aunt and uncle gave them clocks like that one year for Christmas. Lucy's was a rooster that said (loudly) "Good MORNING! Good MORNING! Time to WAKE UP" until Lucy would shut it off. And Ray's clock was a train that said, "WHOOOOOOT! WHOOOOO-WHOOOOOO! Chugga-chugga-CHUGGA-CHUGGA! WOOOOT!" very loudly. At 6:30am. EVERY single MORNING! ARGH! I told my brother I had no idea how much he and his wife hated us. ;-P

Posted by: Amber at January 26, 2006 11:35 PM (zQE5D)

17 Have to dash, or things might get messy, and eeew! You are definately in the majority there. Also, while I have particular problem with Vick, I simply cannot survive a cold without Nyquil. It is the ONLY thing that will let me sleep with a stuffed nose or cough. What is Zicam?

Posted by: stephanie at January 27, 2006 01:24 AM (iZQrw)

18 Vicks vaporub is the best! The People's Pharmacy guy on the radio says if you are coughing at night, slather Vicks on the soles of your feet and pull on some white socks. You will quit coughing! Works great for children too.

Posted by: kenju at January 27, 2006 04:24 AM (2+7OT)

19 Stephanie, Zicam is just Zinc, with some other fillers to make it go up your nose. it comes in a tablet form too, but most people prefer the nose sprays and the nasal swab form. it gets the Zinc into your respiratory system quickly and shortens the duration of the common cold.

Posted by: girl at January 27, 2006 05:59 AM (NDI2V)

20 Heh. I've never heard that before: "a hooch full of spooge". I was always 50/50 on that, though. And the snoring thing? Yoy! I use one of those white noise machines from Homedics. It has a waterfall setting that could drown out a fire truck, that is if you live on the eleventh floor...so, I guess I'm saying I am a light sleeper. I never used to be, until, at age nine, my mom hooked up one of those timers for the lights you use when you go out of town to an alarm clock, the stereo, the radio, and the lights! Now I could be an excellent parent of a child with SIDS. Btw, I've been lurking around reading for a week, and think you are pretty darn cool! I loved the post about the dogs.

Posted by: Love at January 27, 2006 09:04 AM (XKa0H)

21 Just came from Brad's "Almost Lucid" site to read yours. TAKE THE ZICAM! It really works. It bought the "rapidmelts." They just dissolve on your tongue quickly. I had to stop the Contact 'cause I was up 24 hours with no sleep--like an energizer bunny who couldn't wind down--still sneezing and coughing. There are 45 ZICAM tablets in one container and you only use one every three hours. I could actually talk and function after only taking them for three days.Don't mean to preach--just validate. Btw, I'm Brad's Mom.

Posted by: Kay at January 29, 2006 04:18 AM (xB44U)

22 I told my husband that he's worse than any woman I know with all of his "potions". His rituals are unbelievable! I finally had to add on just to keep up. Glad to know we're not the only ones. All I need now is a big red Cadillac and a housecoat. See ya in FL!

Posted by: jydkaly at January 30, 2006 04:21 AM (ngiPJ)

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