Thursday morning my dear boy dropped me off at Heathrow, and about a thousand kisses and waves later, he was on his way to a meeting and I was on my way to Statia and her Meester's house. I had to check my bag in as I was taking the big suitcase, crammed as it was with illegal produce like cheese, sausages, and Irn Bru (which, surprise surprise, is also illegal in the U.S. I didn't know this, but I enjoy the whole "smuggling" element that is gifts from England. This is as close to criminal activity I will ever get). Plus, I would have to be taking a train set back with me. That's right. A train set. My boss man had specific requests for a model train set that he wanted from the States, and I could buy myself some "get out of his crazy" time if I brought one back, so bring one back I would.

I have been travelling for many years. Since 1998, I have been travelling for work (for some years to the tune of three weeks out of every month). Since 2000, I've been flying to places for fun. What do I have to show for it? An immune system that's shot, three frequent flier cards that have taken me on three different holidays due to miles earned, and seat tactics that are now an exact science. Between Angus and I we know every trick in the book to trying to get upgraded, moved to the good seats, how to be best placed to utilize the potential for empty seats, and when and when not to offer to suck dick if it'll get you a better seat.

(I am kidding there. I would never suck dick to get a better seat (although could be tempted to do so on the 30-hour flight we have back from NZ.) I would, however, resort to bribery if I thought for a moment it would work.)

I had checked in online (Travel Rule number 1-always check in online first if you can. You avoid the queues and have some possibility to get a decent seat. That, and you feel all posh just going to bag drop-off, as though you are nearly in first class but you aren't.) and so made my way to my favorite airline's check-in desk. I tried a sob story tactic of why I needed to be upgraded, but the woman's supervisor was there so she kindly offered to instead sell me an upgrade for more than my entire ticket cost.

Strangely, I was not so tempted.

So I checked in. I had booked myself a seat online already, and it was strategically done so that I would likely get the seat next to me as well. When I got onboard, I was even happier-the flight was largely empty. After stowing my tray table and personal belongings and returning my seat to its full and upright position, I was able to move to an entire window seat row that was completely empty.

Life was good.

I watched video-on-demand (Dear Airlines-please, won't all of you get video-on-demand? Please? It makes your life and our life so much easier. Thank you.) I made my way through The Island, In Her Shoes, and Mr & Mrs. Smith (Dear Jennifer Aniston-if you watch this film for even five seconds it is pretty clear that he was cheating on you. Sorry babe. But if they made up that chemistry? Yeah. They should get Oscars.) as well as a few episodes of CSI.

Then I landed. After clearing immigration and getting my bag, I was freaked out about the queues for customs, as nearly everyone was getting their bags searched. I knew that I had some goods in the bag that would be taken (and the Virgin Airlines steward had cheerfully announced that the US had imposed a new law, so that not only would cheese and meats be confiscated but if we were found with them, we'd be fined $2500.) I saw the queue, the men with the bright blue rubber gloves and the dogs, and I briefly debated going into the ladies' room and throwing the goods away. But then I decided to be made of sterner stuff.

I got out the pink phone and pretended to be talking on it, so I could completely ignore the woman trying to herd us into the customs exam queue. Pretending to talk and be all exhausted, I steered right around her to another guy, flashed an enormous smile at him, and cheerfully called "Have a nice day!" as he motioned me past the exam queues and right out the door.

My cheese and I had made it.

So Statia? Yeah. She's gorgeous. Gorgeous and tiny. I know she talks of having junk in the trunk but seriously-she's so small and perfect you want to scoop her up and carry her. If the building was on fire I have no doubt that she would be saved as firemen fought over who could bravely spirit her out of the building, while someone built like me would be asked to hold the hose and give it a good college try.

She was also great company from the word go-funny, easy-going, honest and kind. In general I'm not really good at meeting new people (it might be because I am paralyzed by huge social situations, who knows) and I have a hard time understanding the huge blogger get-togethers that occur (I don't generally meet other bloggers are both Angus and I are extremely private, and I am in blogging for personal therapy reasons, less for being a part of a "community"). But not for one second while I was there did I feel bored, weirded out, or strange. She was simply great fun.

They have a teeny tiny dog named Miss M, who is a diva in the making. She occasionally nearly tolerated me, although her memory, it's not so good. After 30 minutes of nearly tolerating me, if I walked out of the room and back into it, I got a thorough barking at. The good news is, if she ever meets Maggie they'll get on great. Turns out the Bichon Frise tampon that I brought with me to prove that we really do have super extra plus tampons in England was just as popular with Miss M as it was with Maggie.

Her Meester? He's a riot. He's a real gentleman (he holds doors open! And goes to fetch dinner! And keeps me supplied in chewable melatonin!) with a wicked sense of humor that can hunt out a double entendre at twenty paces.

He also, strangely enough, likes Irn Bru.

And as evidenced by the smorgasbord of Lincolnshire sausages, crumpets, and Goucestshire cheese, they both liked the English food and he washed it all down with that nasty Irn Bru shit. I can't believe he likes it. I bought it utterly convinced he would hate the stuff, but there you have it.

They are the cutest family imaginable.

But I have to come clean about something. While there, I found a new lover. My heart has been stolen away from Angus and given to a new man. He's the man of my dreams, a gorgeous creature who has settled in my heart completely.

The time in San Francisco was utterly relaxing. It wasn't about racing to Alcatraz and touring the wharf. It wasn't about Ghirardelli or the Golden Gate bridge. It was about mojitos and sleeping on the softest sheets in the world and talking about our IVF protocols that are coming up and getting to know my new sister. Because my new sister (and brother, actually) helped me get over the hell that was the past two weeks so well that I can think about my One Person's pregnancy without crying now.

I didn't feel any of my usual "I don't belong in any world" feelings I often get when I go to the States-instead I loaded up on over the counter cold meds, Target socks, Sephora and Ulta products (including a brown bubble bath that is heaven and strangely isn't at all weird to see brown water in the bathtub) and Statia did her damndest to make sure that I bought clothes that fit. She took me to Janeville, where they have the world's most comfortable jeans. And, discarding the size 14 monsters that I have been wearing, she handed me some jeans and firmly shut the door behind me. Unbelievably, I am a size 10. Even more unbelievably, I fit a size 8. I bought jeans that I love uncontrollably, and as Angus' hands were on my waist last night, I can tell you-he loves the jeans, too.

We dressed up her dogs.

We drank, we ate, we bought a few things (Angus doesn't like my Care Bear band-aids, Statia. Who knew?) And when I said goodbye, I really meant it when I said I'd miss them (I do).

Then I got on the plane and the guerilla tactics started back up. I boarded and scope the situation. I am in the middle row of four seats, on the aisle. There is someone on the end of the aisle so I will not have the row to myself. The plane is largely empty, but getting a whole aisle to myself would take some maneuvering. And as the plane was a red-eye flight and I would have to try to get some sleep, I knew a whole row was needed. I can't sleep on planes unless I can stretch out, otherwise I get severely agitated and then can't climb down from the ceiling. We took off, all of us plotting on how to get a row to ourselves. We were told by the cabin staff we could move around as soon as the seat belt sign was turned off, so there we were, plotting.

But I am the master.

As soon as the ding! was heard there I was, seat belt unclipped and me using my backpack as numchucks. I hurled my body down the aisle to the very last row of the plane and spread the fuck out. It took all of about .3 seconds for me to do this entire manouver, and I was ruthless. Fighting leprosy and want the aisle? Put that nose of yours back on, buddy, and bite me. I fought for this. The flight attendant laughed and said he'd never seen anyone move that fast, to which I replied: Darwinism? A practical application on an airplane.

Most of us got rows or a majority of rows anyway, so I stretched out, took a Tylenol PM, and slept a bit. Monday I was really in and out of consciousness due to severe jet lag and a cold I seem to have picked up on the airplane, despite using Airborne, but I think I'm ok now. When I picked up my bags, I was shocked to see that the train set, packed as it was in a sealed brown box, had gotten the scoping-it was covered in Department of Homeland Security inspection tape.

Nice.

I miss my sister, though. My new one, whose pregnancy I would celebrate like a madman.

And I'm nursing a healthy addiction to Family Guy.

-H.

PS-Angus very sweetly put together my web design for my other site while I was away. I should be posting on it today, time permitting (if not I'll kick it off tomorrow morning). If you want the link, let me know-I'm not going to publicly post it on this site. Houston? We are up and running.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:52 AM | Comments (40) | Add Comment
Post contains 1954 words, total size 11 kb.

1 Can we check out the new website? Also, you could put your experience (and Angus...) about air travel down in writing. That would be a book I would buy!

Posted by: miguel at January 24, 2006 11:27 AM (LXwC0)

2 Glad you had a fab time sweetie, sounds like it was just what you needed. Am I allowed to check out the new site? am i? please?! fankoo AxXx

Posted by: Lemurgirl at January 24, 2006 12:30 PM (ZZQbd)

3 Do part-time commenters and almost full-time lurkers qualify for the new URL?

Posted by: gareth at January 24, 2006 01:06 PM (q8WUA)

4 Helen, Glad you had a good trip. Family Guy (and Captain America) are two of my favorite shows. Please send me the link to your new site! cheers

Posted by: wn at January 24, 2006 01:24 PM (zh/oU)

5 Haven't visited in a while, haven't blogged myself in even longer! But stopped by for a bit today to catch up a little. Keep plugging away Helen - even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes, you are doing great. As for NZ - think about doing the Milford Track - it's a great time, and takes you to places where it's wonderful to just sit and ponder.

Posted by: Holly at January 24, 2006 01:32 PM (QbyU1)

6 Hey...glad you had an awesome time on your trip. I would love to have the link to your new site. Oh, and thanks..now I'm hungry for cheese and there is none available.

Posted by: Lindsay at January 24, 2006 02:26 PM (B5UQ6)

7 i would love to see the new site. please email when you get a chance. glad you had a great time. i met statia and the meester when they were visiting wendy. nice people - we all had a good time. very glad to hear you're doing better about the one person. it must be hard. i'm sorry you have that to deal with on top of everything else. hugs to you.

Posted by: becky at January 24, 2006 02:34 PM (0/FFX)

8 (Angus doesn't like my Care Bear band-aids, Statia. Who knew?) I have those too!! plain Band-aids are just so boring, you know?

Posted by: girl at January 24, 2006 02:47 PM (NDI2V)

9 We nubs and miss you, H. Cheerio, tip top, how's your father, trumpets and cheeky sod.

Posted by: The Meeeester at January 24, 2006 02:49 PM (56gUM)

10 Your trip sounds like just what you needed, and I'm glad that you sound like you're feeling better. And I'd love that address for your new site, if you don't mind.

Posted by: amber at January 24, 2006 02:50 PM (VZEhb)

11 I would surely miss your hilarious posts. May I have the new weblink, please?

Posted by: lambchop at January 24, 2006 03:29 PM (0bhhP)

12 I am the same status as Gareth above, but love your writing and would love to keep up to date with the other part of your life if I could.

Posted by: rose at January 24, 2006 03:35 PM (wZLWV)

13 I'm glad you had such a good trip. Welcome home; I hope the cold doesn't stick around too long. Having never heard of Irn Bru, I find I'm curious. Is it alcoholic? Merely nasty? Does it serve some medicinal purpose? What makes it illegal in the US? As one who is done with her baby dust, I am a great cheerleader and *baby wisher*. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you until they're no longer necessary.

Posted by: Lisa at January 24, 2006 03:42 PM (5vmEt)

14 I want the link, please. tickletwo@hotmail.com You should write a book about your travel experiences. That section about getting a row on the plane is classic!

Posted by: kenju at January 24, 2006 04:20 PM (2+7OT)

15 Glad the trip was such good medicine for you. I am an expert on good juju--and I need no baby-making juju in my immediate vicinity. I'd love the link if (as Gareth said) you are giving it to mostly lurkers.

Posted by: sophie at January 24, 2006 04:22 PM (yZwDD)

16 Angus, man, you need to be one with the care bear band-aids. And Helen, that's why I sent you home with zicam. I probably should have made you take it before you left. I'm sure your immune system is fully pissed off at you for taking long trips six time zones away and staying up into the wee hours drinking. Your immune system is calling you a whore. I do know that eating an umbilical cord stump will take away your cold instantly. It's a fact.

Posted by: statia at January 24, 2006 04:29 PM (NsnoE)

17 Sounds like a great trip! Glad you enjoyed! Would love it if you slide me a link to the other site... I'm a bonafide Helen addict and will go through withdrawals without my daily Helen-fix!

Posted by: Rebel at January 24, 2006 04:31 PM (fPt7p)

18 1.- Link please. 2.- No mention of Houston unless it's "I'm coming to..." because that's just teasing.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at January 24, 2006 04:36 PM (19wVo)

19 oh sweetie, that sounds like such a wonderful and healing vacation. how sweet. and your new lover? yeah, he's hawt! :-) and oh god, do i love family guy. the bestest show. xoxoxo

Posted by: kat at January 24, 2006 05:08 PM (xJGrF)

20 Always lurker, never commenter here. You truly are a wonderful writer and come across on-web as a fantastic person, too. Glad you had a relaxing trip to the States. Would love to read the other blog, but understand for privacy reasons if its a no.

Posted by: kim at January 24, 2006 05:22 PM (SM6j8)

21 Sounds like you had a real kick-ass time, and that your spirits are up again. Glad to hear it, and glad that Statia and The Meeester were there for you. And I am also glad that Homeland Security didn't take your cheese and meats, and you found jeans that fit. Do we get a pic?

Posted by: Teresa at January 24, 2006 05:28 PM (zf0DB)

22 Dedicated lurker here... Sounds like you had a good dose of "happy therapy" this past weekend. Well deserved I might add. I read your blog almost religiously, and am sad when I don't get the chance to. I'd love a link to your new site... a dose of Helen therapy does me good... I don't know what I'd do if it all of a sudden went away... thanks for sharing your stories thus far.

Posted by: Anais at January 24, 2006 06:17 PM (3DSr9)

23 I do - I do. Please send me the link. Glad you had so much fun in San Fran. I miss California drastically now that I'm in New York. Take care,

Posted by: kris at January 24, 2006 07:33 PM (u4ETL)

24 I would like the link, too please. :-) I generally don't care for "secret" blogs because the reasons often seem overexaggerating (at least in my highly opinionated POV) but man, Helen; you are SO entitled! I'm glad you had a good time. I *almost* (but didn't) write and ask if you wanted to meet up for lunch or something, since you know...I'm 45 minutes or so away from SF. But like you, I get a little shy at the thought of meeting bloggers and we haven't emailed for a long time so... I'm a coward. Besides, it sounds like you had a great time just hanging out with those guys! :-) Glad you're back!

Posted by: Amber at January 24, 2006 07:39 PM (zQE5D)

25 Glad you had a great time in the U.S. Bummer about the lack of upgrade, though. Devoted reader here who would LOVE the link to your other site, pretty please with sugar on top!

Posted by: Dasha at January 24, 2006 07:49 PM (gTxDn)

26 Link, please? I read you every day. If, however, you get too many requests for the link, so it's just like this blog, only another one - I'll understand if you don't give it. thanks!!

Posted by: suze at January 24, 2006 08:11 PM (BmSw7)

27 Link, please! So glad to hear that you had a fantastic time! You are clearly the master of aerial transportation!

Posted by: Ornery at January 24, 2006 09:40 PM (2KXgQ)

28 If Irn Bru is illegal in the US, that's a recent development, as I've purchased it here before. Once. (Answers.com has More Information; at least one importer gets a modified version with different colorings, and I imagine others simply ignore the FDA; it's not like Customs cares. It's not their job to make sure you don't sell the Irn Bru in violation of FDA requirements, and the FDA can't say you can't own some for your own use...)

Posted by: Sigivald at January 24, 2006 09:46 PM (4JnZM)

29 I think your new boyfriend is cool myself. But seriously, I didn't know you liked them black. I would like to take a peek at your new site, so would you email me the site, puleeze? Don't worry about the spamblocker message, I'll look for your email.

Posted by: diamond dave at January 24, 2006 09:55 PM (3nbmf)

30 Mostly a lurker ... would like to check out your new site but hope you will continue to post here too.

Posted by: Jennifer at January 24, 2006 10:22 PM (V45OB)

31 Sounds like a lovely trip, just what you needed. Glad you made it here and back in one piece

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 24, 2006 11:26 PM (/vgMZ)

32 Really pleased you had a good time, you sound so much happier. I don't often comment, but I do read you (and Jim!) every day and would love to have the link to your new site. If you'll let me...

Posted by: Gill at January 25, 2006 09:17 AM (4tDGB)

33 I would love the link to your new site. I mostly lurk here, but enjoy your writing immensely.

Posted by: Naomi at January 25, 2006 12:14 PM (3OC8k)

34 oh yeah. I forgot to ask for the link. so um.. may I have the link, pretty please?

Posted by: girl at January 25, 2006 02:23 PM (NDI2V)

35 Please can I have your new site's address too, if you don't mind. I lurk most days and would feel like I am missing out if I cant read your other site too. You are a great writer!

Posted by: Kerry at January 25, 2006 10:25 PM (2xFdO)

36 I read your blog almost every day. Can I have the link as well?

Posted by: elaine at January 26, 2006 03:23 PM (ISKvS)

37 I tried to comment yesterday but my computer was being weird. I'm glad you got some much deserved R&R! And I would love the link to your new blog.

Posted by: kitty at January 26, 2006 07:42 PM (cyfSY)

38 I'm fairly new to your site (delurking here) and would love the link to the new site. I find you very interesting and your writing excellent and so sincere. Your my new fave!

Posted by: Trace at January 27, 2006 09:37 AM (wMBpi)

39 Your other site?

Posted by: Dana at January 27, 2006 10:39 PM (b7OKi)

40 I have delurked here for a while now ...please forward the link to your new site.

Posted by: osteff at January 28, 2006 12:44 AM (Ip3Mw)

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