Lauren has asked for help compiling a list of things that women can use as a general resource, a how-to to help ourselves. There are several topics that I have no idea how to help on, but a few that I do-2 of them I'll address here.

Home remedies, I have a few of-

For stomach upsets, take some peppermint candies. Seriously. Peppermint seriously aids digestion and helps break things down in the stomach, so if you're suffering acid reflux, indigestion, or IBS symptoms and you haven't any Tums-type tablets to hand, pop a peppermint.

Peppermint is also fantastic for preventing ant bites. I learnt this in Texas, as I was working on an archaeological site that was infested with fire ants, which I'm seriously allergic to. If you get a peppermint oil from any health food store and mix it with a bottle of the cheap diffuser that they sell, rub it on any parts that might get exposed to the fire ants. Voila-they won't bite. Fire ants) and ants in general) don't do peppermint.

For a severe cut, if you haven't got any antibiotic ointment in the house and the cut has that nasty "I'm getting infected ooze, put on a small amount of honey. Honey is the miracle cure all, actually-it helps wounds, helps digestion, and there is something to the "hot tea and honey" when you have a cold.

The other topic I can (sadly) help with is how to leave an abusive relationship. I've got the approach on how to handle it if there are no children involved, and I know it's harder if there are kids, only I haven't been in that scenario, and I'm afraid I don't know as much to help.

If your partner is abusive or threatening in any way, there are a number of things you can do to protect yourself. I'm not going to go on about getting your revenge, fighting back, etc, because women in those situations know it's about getting through the other side, not about getting your own. First off, if you've realized it's time to go, then good for you.

Second, if there is anything special to you in the home that you want to take with you, quietly start putting things in a place he won't notice. This is only for little things-that picture of your grandmother, your oldest stuffed toy. If it's a big item, leave it where it is. Better yet, get the things out of the house if they won't be missed-leave them with someone you trust beyond trust, or even in the trunk of your car.

When you leave abusive men, you will never see any of these possessions again. Take what you know you can never forgive yourself for losing. The rest is replacable-linens, books, kitchen ware...it's not worth it.

When it's time to leave, then leave. Quickly. Quietly. Pack up any papers that you have-especially a utility bill, as it will prove that you have credit for when you're on your own. Get to a safe place, be it friends, family, or a shelter. If you have a pet you love beyond life itself, shuffle them into the car with you, as you're otherwise likely never see them again. If you've managed to squirrel money away into a private account then password it. Don't tell anyone the password. If you've got a joint credit card account and you want to keep it, password that, too, then your soon-to-be ex can't touch it. If it's joint and you need to get off the account, call them and report your card stolen, and tell them you don't want another card-unless you opened the account you cannot take yourself off the account, only he (the owner) can. Reporting your card stolen keeps your ex from charging up a balance and claiming you did it.

I know all of this first hand.

It took me years to pay off the credit card debt on one card he "left" me.

If your ex has been abusive physically or you suspect he might get that way, get to a police station. Do not feel you are wasting their time. Do not even debate that you are making too much of a little thing. Go and file for a protective order. This is significant-you don't want a restraining order, as they are not enforcable by police. You want a protective order, which means if your ex comes within X feet (usually 50) of you, the police can arrest them. Now, I filed my protective order in the state of Texas, so if rules in other states are different then I apologize, I don't know how other states work, but this at least is a basis for getting protected.

If you are able to get your own place quickly, take the following steps: When hooking up the phone, you want to be unpublished, not unlisted. Unpublished means not even the operator can see your address, unlisted means that a call to the directory means your ex could find someone apathetic enough to give out your address. Get caller ID installed-this is a fee that most companies charge a very small amount for, but it's worth it. Get a mobile phone-a very basic package will do you, but you must always have a means of communication for a while.

Get a home alarm installed, and make sure that it is wired directly into a company that will ring the police if your alarm goes off. These companies usually waive the fee accompanied with this service if you explained you are running from an abusive relationship. Get a password on the account, and make sure it's one he'd never think of.

I did all of this, and included the dog and the shotgun, but those are maybe steps too far.

Password each and every one of your accounts, even utilities (a truly good and vindictive ex will get your electricity shut off if he wants to. I myself remember an evening in the dark.) Change your patterns-abusive men are insecure men, and they will try to find you. Do not take the same routes to get to your new residence. Do not go to the same shops. Do not even debate going back to the house for anything-everything you have taken with you is all that you will probably have. Do not use the same vet for your pet. Do not tell people where you have moved, unless it is someone you know without question you can trust. Try to move to an apartment complex for a while, and make sure your apartment is smack in the middle of the complex, for safety.

A Tae Kwon Do course is a good idea-not that you need to become Rambo or anything, but a course like that starts to help you feel empowered, after a period of being knocked down. It does not make you the Karate Kid. It does give you back some confidence.

If you are leaving, there is no way you can be too paranoid until you know what his reaction is going to be.

And I am very, very sorry you've been through this.

I'm also very, very glad you're leaving.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:42 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 1208 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Hi there! Thanks for addressing domestic violence here. I work in the field and have a quick note on terminology. In some states in the US, protective orders are called "restraining orders," and there is no difference between the two. In other states, like the one where I live, they are two separate things (protective orders and harassment restraining orders) but both ARE enforceable by the police. The difference is that in many states, protective orders offer DV victims more protections than just "he must stay ___ feet away," such as temporary custody of the children, freezing shared bank accounts, removal of firearms from the home, etc. And also please know that if you receive a restraining/protective order in one municipality/county/state/tribal land in the United States, by federal law it IS supposed to be enforceable everywhere else. (Now, how that enforcement actually plays out across the nation is another story...) And a note to domestic violence victims-- leaving is definitely the most dangerous time for you. PLEASE talk to a battered women's program near you before you leave your abuser or even start taking steps towards doing so, so that they can help you do it as safely as possible. In the United States, victims can call the National Domestic Violence hotline at Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Posted by: Dasha at November 26, 2006 02:58 PM (JSn1O)

2 From someone who finally got the courage to leave nearly seven years ago... all I can say is thank you. I lost it all. But in doing so, I regained myself, my safety, and my future.

Posted by: April at November 26, 2006 03:58 PM (PFXpB)

3 Helen, thanks so much for writing this. Interested in hosting in the future?

Posted by: Lauren at November 26, 2006 04:18 PM (HwZpj)

4 Helen, I can add something to the telephone advice. Get a telephone recorder that automatically starts when you pick up the phone. If the violent spouse calls the woman and threatens her or uses any kind of threatening language, she has proof of it. The police told someone in my family that this is one of the best things to do to catch someone in criminal activity. She got hers at Radio Shack for about $60-70.

Posted by: kenju at November 27, 2006 12:43 AM (L8e9z)

5 All good advice. I cannot emphasize enough that you will not be bothering the police. There is nothing too small. Any police officer will tell you that he'd rather take a complaint that turns out to be nothing, then take your statement in the hospital.

Posted by: ~Easy at November 27, 2006 01:23 PM (jm+bg)

6 Thank you, Helen. I was expecting to write a comment just thanking you for the peppermint tip, 'cause I'm allergic, too... but the guide to getting out really touched me. Your strength is amazing.

Posted by: Marian at November 27, 2006 05:34 PM (HZ6LU)

7 Ginger— in any form— is also good for upset stomachs. As for leaving the abusive relationship, self-defense of any kind is a good idea, be it martial arts, or (I know this one won't be popular with a lot of people) firearms training. Just like the martial arts, the latter gives a sense of self-confidence, though any instructor worth his salt will NOT let someone out with a firearm half-trained. As to why I suggest it, I have read the accounts of many women who fled abusive relationships that later took up firearms training, and in many of those cases, just the KNOWLEDGE that the woman knew how to shoot was enough to deter a stalking ex. Don't ever discount the fact that abusers prefer easy victims— if you're no longer an easy target, they'll look elsewhere.

Posted by: B. Durbin at November 28, 2006 03:53 AM (tie24)

8 Helen, I have to thank you again for writing this up. This was one of my favorite (is that the word for a piece on abuse?) posts that was written for the carnival. Concise, complete. Thank you so much.

Posted by: Lauren at December 02, 2006 11:11 PM (HwZpj)

9 If one doesn't take the peppermint advice in advance, you can use a fresh basil leaf, crushed up so the juice comes out, on a fire ant bite. It works wonders. And the advice about an abusive relationship? Perfect. BTDT.

Posted by: trouble at December 04, 2006 03:56 PM (j2vfb)

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