There's a cool chick I know that has a bit of an email routine going with me. In said routine, she always addresses her emails to me as 'Dear God'. I, of course, always respond as God. Before I start getting the hate mail, let me be clear-I don't think I'm God (I just play God on TV). I don't think I'm an all-powerful deity, I am not omnipotent. I'm just a chick who thinks-Yeah. I could do God's job. I'm all over it.

Or at least the morning shift, anyway.

Now, said cool chick usually emails me with requests like 'Can I help her get rid of her cold, God?', 'Can I please help her hide the fact that she just sent a $1.2 million purchase order for more staples for her company to the Addicts of Hamburglar Happy Meal House?' and 'Can I really trust Woolite in my machine?' These requests, they are easy to grant. No problem. Cold? Gone. Money? Transferred back to the staple manufacturers albeit the Hamburglar Happy Meal house has just fallen off the wagon and 21 pounds of ground chuck are now missing for the local abbatoir. Oh and no-please don't trust Woolite in your machine.

These emails, the "deity flavor of the day" have become a part of my daily routine-as I walk to the tube station in London, I mentally write a God letter. As I prepare dinner, a God letter is drawn up. In the grocery store? Talking to God, and that's not an analogy for hanging my head over the toilet in Exorcist-inspired hangover vomiting, although that said during those moments? Yeah. I talk to God too.

I'm not even the Christian version of said God letters, I'm just a God (used in capital letters, because old Catholic habits die hard.) A God of the other, less significant things that maybe you wouldn't want to burden whichever God your God is about. I'm thinking that for most people God is usually for the big things-Please don't let this tumor be malignant, Please don't let the IRS find out about that off-shore account of mine, and Please let the sudden enormous hole in the house be a sign of bad contractors, not that Satan is a little too eager to get his hands on me. These are Big God things, things that people who have a God need to address to the one who keeps his feet underneath the desk and has his full attention on things. Me, I'm someone that can't even remember where I left my car key, or, when I find it why I thought that potted plant was the best place to keep it, let alone focus on a serious and pressing personal issue.

Seeing as I'm not actually religious in the slightest (I usually put 'none' or 'agnostic' on those forms I have to fill out that feel it's their need to find out what kind of pew I'll put my knees to. And if you are religious-be it Ganesha, Buddha, God, Allah, Moonies or whatever-then that's cool. I'm not having a go at people who do have religion in their life, this is just my perspective), these emails are good fun for me (again, I don't think I am God, but it's nice to play a "What Would God Do" only without the whole serious undertone and massive naff-bordering-on-frightening conventions of people). It's nice to try to put myself in the role of some kind of benevolent role who's got it all together, as opposed to my usual 'Oh God my hair's on fire, oh look something shiny!' perspective.

Oh sure, I should do things like rid the world of pestilence and solve world peace, but again I'm filling the shoes of a lesser being, really. Being God is not without its perks, however rather like that magick side of things, it's probably best to not do too much for my own personal gain. That said, I would have a smite list, and it includes:

1) Destiny's Child. All of them. And all their hair extensions and spandex tracksuits, too.
2) That Black Eyed Peas song 'Pump It'. My hump? What the fuck is wrong with you? And the first person who comes to me and talks about my lovely lady bumps is going to get his ass kicked.
3) Hugh Grant (I think he's just wrong, in so many, many ways).
4) Tom Cruise (Cruisey? I actually like the name Suri, I have to be honest. But you? You're fucking mental mate. Consider decaf and keep dialing it down from there.)
5) The chap that invented Sudoku
6) Whomever it was that invented the low-slung jean as they thought that Thong Show-n-Tell was a good thing (pull up your pants!)
7) People that create car insurance commercials who think that screaming at us is a good way to get us to buy a year-long policy.
Charlie Dimmock. Charlie, get a bra (and pull up your pants!)
9) Whoever it was that decided Dead Like Me should be pulled off the air. And their smiting involves endless reruns of Knots Landing as punishment.

But lest karma get the worst of me, I do have a 'rewards' list as well, for those to balance out my smiting.

1) Whoever thought that macaroni mixed with cheese and baked in an oven would be good together will have eternal salvation.
2) John Cusack. '˜Nuff said.
3) NyQuil. The coughing aching stuffy head fever so you can rest medicine is a fucking me-send.
4) The RSPCA. For getting us Gorby and for being good people, even though they have to put doggies and kitties down, too.
5) New Zealand-good night and I love you!
6) Jacques Cousteau. Not only did he give us scuba diving, but he's got a cool name, one that just rolls off your tongue. Jacques Cousteau, Jacques Cousteau. See how nice it is?
7) Fireflies. They just don't seem to have them around anymore, and the pure essence of a warm summer evening where you lay in the grass has to be fireflies.
Sarah McLachlan and Joshua Radin. Thanks for the endless comforting tunes, babes.
9) Any vineyard of Colombard chardonnay.

See? I'm not so malicious.

Because this is my own personal 700 Club (which is really more like a 4 and 3 Quarters Club as my club is without the anti-gay and conservative slants) I'm taking requests, if you've got anything to add. Operators are standing by.

-God

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:48 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 1099 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Okay, God. How 'bout a challenge to start your day? You've heard the song "If I Only Had A Brain"? Think you might be able to replace my son's with one more age appropriate and less inclined toward mainlining to Loserville? Much appreciated. Goddess bless.

Posted by: Jennifer at April 25, 2006 12:09 PM (jl9h0)

2 God, Can we please smite every IHOP on the planet? Or, at least let's relocate them to the moon or an island where they don't ever have to be seen again. Thanks, Ice Queen

Posted by: Ice Queen at April 25, 2006 12:53 PM (iubre)

3 Dear God, Not that I want to risk your wrath by pointing out a mistake, but "Pump It" is not the song about the humps. "Pump It" is the song to the tune of that Pulp Fiction tune. It's actually quite catchy. The humps, I hope they burn. To me, Hugh Grant is like David Spade - totally wrong and a bit ... squicky, but somehow still totally doable. Finally, please don't forget the sniffling, sneezing part of the Q ad. Here comes the advertising snob in me... "The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so you can rest medicine." And now that I've corrected you twice and disagreed with you once, um... if you could help me get approved for a good loan wihtout a cosigner, I'd really appreciate that. MissDirected

Posted by: amy t. at April 25, 2006 03:04 PM (zPssd)

4 I saw this the other day at NeilGaiman.com: Firefly lights http://www.fireflymagic.com/ They may not be the real thing, but they look damn cool.

Posted by: LD at April 25, 2006 03:17 PM (EUyu0)

5 God, Please let the "business lunch" I'm about to attend not completely suck. As I generally am not good at making small talk with people I completely don't know (or care to know), let it be very very short! Thanks, Erin

Posted by: Erin at April 25, 2006 03:21 PM (zw8QA)

6 Dear God, It's me...marg...wait, no that was a Judy Bloom book. It's me. That confused soul that is wandering around wondering where she left her brain. (See above, "If I only had a brain - my theme song!) Could you please make it not so hard to wake up in the morning to enjoy your sunrises? This morning's was a doozy - and for the first time in weeks, I was glad to see it. Thanks. Lookin forward to see what you do with the sunset tonight. Scritch the Holy Hound Gorby for me. K

Posted by: Kellie at April 25, 2006 03:29 PM (/LqiV)

7 Smite: Mariah Carey, her wailing, and her overstuffed/underdressed outfits; 'formal' shorts worn with high heels; flavoured gum that you can smell across the room Rewards: dark chocolate, a crackling fire on a cold night, and books that surround you with their stories

Posted by: loribo at April 25, 2006 03:44 PM (RYVp+)

8 Dear God, Could you possibly do something about this minimum 40-hour work week thing? I don't mind it sometimes..but seriously? 40-hours..EVERY week? How about I work 15 hours but still get paid for 40? Then I can find time to do some of those good deeds you're all hung up on. That and keep my shower clean. I can't keep up with the soap scum with my current work schedule. (Hey, completely off topic here, but Helen..does Angus say "schedule" with the "shhh" sound at the beginning?) Okay, back to God now. One last thing. Could you please, PLEASE let me just have one erotic dream where I'm Sarah from Labyrinth in the ballroom scene? I know it's perverted but David Bowie in that movie..so so hot. Want to touch the hiney.

Posted by: Lindsay at April 25, 2006 06:09 PM (mHNC3)

9 Dear God, If your divine greatness isn't too busy this week, could you please smite the jerks driving huge trucks and suvs? Specifically, the ones that pull forward and block my view at intersections, park in 'compact' spots, back into spots so that their truck beds are hanging over/blocking the sidewalk, assume that my moped can (and will) stop on a dime if they pull out in front of me any old time... It's a big order lord, because these infidels are numerous. But for your most beauteous aid in this matter, I am willing to sacrifice 2 frat boys and 4 telemarketers in your most holy of names. Groveling in your wondrous glow, A Duck

Posted by: A Duck at April 25, 2006 06:18 PM (DsS6B)

10 Smite: All stupid people. Of course, there might as well be another flood, because the world is full of them. (note I do NOT mean the mentally slow - they can't help it. I mean the ones that know better and are stupid anyway). Also on the list: radio stations that do nothing but yak during your commute rather than play music (honorable mention - rock stations that broadcast ball games or NASCAR races during your commute home); radio stations that butcher the end of your favorite songs (like the one that yakked over the ending to SRV's "Little Wing" the other morning - ASSHOLES!!!); people that ride your bumper even though you're doing 15mph over the speed limit; selfish people; abusive people; anyone who even remotely thinks that dogfighting is cool; okay, I'll stop. Save: oh hell, I don't know. There are lots of good things in the world, we just have to open our eyes and look for them harder. Let's start with animal rescue agencies (excluding any affiliated with PETA); people that help those less fortunate than themselves; good massage therapists; those nice waiters/waitresses in coffee shops that don't get paid beans but wait on you like you're family anyway; the inventors of chocolate-chip mint ice cream; whoever thought up pumpkin cheesecake; Bonnie Raitt; whoever discovered the stomach-calming properties of ginger root; you get the picture.

Posted by: diamond dave at April 25, 2006 09:15 PM (pyPeZ)

11 Dear God, you can blame the lack of fireflies on the use of DDT. We outlawed it years ago, and now the fireflies and butterflies are more plentiful. Thank you for making them in the first place.

Posted by: kenjukenju at April 25, 2006 09:39 PM (2+7OT)

12 Dear God, Free tampons. That's all I ask. -T

Posted by: Teresa at April 26, 2006 01:10 AM (zf0DB)

13 Dear God, Could you please look under your holy couch cushions and get togther a few hundred dollars to send to me? I figure you have the treasuries of about ten industrialized nations in the crack between the driver's seat and the cup holder in your car, but you don't have to go all the way to the garage. Your couch change is glorious, oh Lord! Thanks.

Posted by: Courtnee at April 26, 2006 01:49 AM (wZLWV)

14 Dear God, Please help me speak cat-ese so that when my boys are meowing at me in the wee hours of the morning I can understand what they want. And to ask why they've got to lay down on the keyboard when I'm on the 'puter.

Posted by: Suz at April 26, 2006 04:09 AM (AW/a0)

15 These are some of the best requests I have ever seen. Well done! And duly noted about the NyQuil I want some firefly lights now...

Posted by: Helen at April 26, 2006 05:09 AM (jlj2o)

16 Maybe this is crass and ridiculous in the face of real fireflies, but check this out: http://www.signals.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?randomizer=629530379&action=detail&item=HA7432

Posted by: Donna at April 26, 2006 07:24 PM (Aanzg)

17 Dear God, could you make it so that people who ignore stop signals, be they signs or lights or just an indication that SOMETHING'S GOING ON UP AHEAD, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T ACCELERATE, get a smack upside the head as though Sister Mary Margaret of the Sisters of Mother Cabrini's Parking Shrine had a handy eraser to peg at them? Every time they did it? 'Cause, you know, two hit-and-runs by those types really makes me angry at them. Thanks.

Posted by: B. Durbin at April 27, 2006 05:26 AM (tie24)

18 I seriously need a key-finding god. I realized I was really, truly, agnostic when the only time I ever prayed anymore was to find my f'ing keys. So, i'm thinking you're my goddess, H.

Posted by: trouble at April 27, 2006 01:33 PM (j2vfb)

19 Ohhh Dead Like Me how I do miss thee and weep for thee every day! Those people really should be put in jail for that crap. Yes,and the asses that took Firefly off so says the sci fi whore in me.

Posted by: Fawn at April 29, 2006 04:41 AM (4wDUo)

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