We are getting the invite ready for our yearly Fourth of July party/housewarming. Yes, we moved over two months ago but we have been too fucking lazy and/or stressed to do anything about it, so a conjoined party? Good for all involved.

Fourth of July parties have occurred in my household for my entire life, including the 7 years since I've left the States. While in Sweden it was an excuse to go and get drunk, in England it's slightly different-it's an excuse to go and get drunk and fire off massive explosives. It does feel a bit strange to celebrate Independence Day in England-OK, remember that time when we dumped all your tea in the harbor? Wasn't that great? Dude-talk about a fucking mess! Or the more obvious-Let's celebrate! Come on over! This is the day we signed a piece of paper to kick all ya'll out of our country! My name could have been Nigella, if'n you'd not taken the time to powder your wigs. Yeeeeeehaw!

But we don't really celebrate it that way.

We're more of a "eat too much and get drunk" kind of family.

We've had people round for 4th of July before, and this year is no exception. We're just going bigger now. Much bigger. And with a garden the size of New Jersey, we can do. We decorate with a few American flags here and there (including my fabulous 48-starred number) and enjoy loads of liquor. And since fireworks are legal here, we buy what we call the Big Fuck-Off packages, because what better way to celebrate your country's independence than to literally send your money up in smoke?

The biggest fun is the food. It is also the biggest issue. Why is this an issue? It's food. It's not a big deal.

Oh but it is. It is a big deal. On the 4th of July and Thanksgiving, things have to be a certain way.

I'm a flexible person-I can take a lot of bending. Yoga? Sure, that's a literal definition, but it works. I am flexible there. Accepting my boyfriend calling the dog Mr. Chov as opposed to Gorby? I flit, I float, I fleetly flee I fly. But food on those two key American holidays?

Inflexible.

Witness the near-bust up we had last Thanksgiving when Angus suggested shoving an onion up my bird's ass. An onion...in my turkey. My recipe doesn't call for an onion in my turkey. I have a specific turkey recipe that I have used since the dawn of time (and which is pretty damn good, even if I don't eat meat myself anymore.) It is part of a ritual, a process, a rite of passage. It does not include an onion in the cavity of my fucking fowl, I don't care if that's how Angus' Mum, the Queen, or John Cusack make it. La la la la la peer pressure does not work on me.

But I went ahead and did it anyway. That's how flexible I am.

(And I lied, I can totally cave on peer pressure.)

(And all did say the turkey was fantastic, so clearly there is scope in my turkey portfolio for a change requests, wherein I adopt legumes and/or root vegetables into my poultry.)

Or what about the complete severing of my relationship I had with Delia Smith? Delia (or as she has become known in our household, that "c" word), whose recipes I tend to enjoy even if I think she's a bit weird (Norwich-loving muffin baker who I imagine is a swinger in her spare time). But Delia and I came to blows a few years back, when perusing her cookbook I saw she had a special section on the American Fourth of July. She'd been to a barbecue you see, therefore she was an expert.

Now, I live here in the UK and I have learnt many things, including the following: Channel 5 has the grottier shows, Big Brother is a pain in my ass, Oyster Cards are great and I really do need to get one, and I haven't a fucking clue as to how to make the perfect English Sunday roast and should I attempt it I do believe they have "Attempting To Impersonate English Cuisine" as a hanging offense (and before I get mail claiming that English food is crap, let me just say this-10 years ago you'd be right. When I was here then, the food was cooked to an inch of its life. No actually, it was cooked past that. I think English cooking has come a very long way since then. Think Jamie Oliver and the S&M master Gordon Ramsey, and you'll see what I mean.)

But Delia...oh Delia, you Fetish Lover. Sigh. Among some of the things she listed things as "traditional 4th of July food" were Cos, Webb and Rocket Salad (Rocket=arugula in the US). I wouldn't know a Cos or a Webb if one came up and gave me an orgasm. She lists oven-roasted rosemary and garlic potatoes as a dish as well which, while I love the recipe and have used it often, I have never used it in the States on a day that is traditionally hotter than the sun.

And she lists hot fudge sundaes as the dessert.

Hot fudge sundaes is where we broke up.

Hot fudge fucking sundaes. Who the hell has those as traditional 4th of July fare? Who, and why don't they admit that they really only have hot fudge sundaes on those days they go beserk at Sonic, ordering the cherry limeade, the extra large cheese-covered tater tots, and just for good artery measure go for the sundaes?

Which is what takes us to the coming 4th of July. In the stairwell, Angus asks me what we should serve.

"Hot dogs and hamburgers," I reply promptly.

"Er...I was thinking of pulled pork and beef joints," he replies.

I stop and think. Can we coat those in barbecue sauce? Is that something that Hooters would serve?

"Ok, that's fine." I reply. I am fleeeeeeeexible.

"Served in a baguette," he adds.

And bendy comes to a halt.

"Hot dog bun," I counter. I truly love my boyfriend. TRULY.

He visibly blanches. "Hot dog bun?"

"Hot dog bun! Your people must suffer as my people have suffered! Let them eat hot dog bun!" I cry dramatically, thrusting a sword at my breast.

"OK, what about a nice white loaf? We can slice it up nicely?" He asks.

And I drop the sword as I hear in my mind Eddie Murphy: All we have is Wonder Bread...

"It'll be nice," he adds.

That don't look like no McDonald's

"What do you think?" He smiles hopefully.

And you try to put some ketchup on it and it mixes with the grease, turn the bread into pink dough. Then you grab it and get fingerprinted and you got big, pink fingerprints in the dough.

"What do you think?"

Where you get that big, welfare, green-pepper burger?

"I think baguettes should be fine." I reply with a smile.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:42 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 1201 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Hot fudge I prefer Caramel fudge from Ben & Jerry's (Caramel Sutra )

Posted by: ximiee at June 05, 2006 10:22 AM (4KtQ6)

2 You know, Americans get dinged all the time internationally for our bad food and beer. And yet, I think the international community fails to appreciate just how seriously Americans take their food. I've seen people come to blows over serious food questions like: mesquite versus hickory for barbecue smoke. Hell, try to smoke my barbecue meat over hickory and put it on a baguette and I'll probably hit you. Not you as in helen, but anyone who would suggest such blasphemy.

Posted by: trouble at June 05, 2006 11:15 AM (j2vfb)

3 YOU CAVED!!!!! You can't cave to the traditional hamburgers and hot dogs.

Posted by: statia at June 05, 2006 11:52 AM (NsnoE)

4 Yep, potato salad. And of course at least one person must get sick from it sitting out all afternoon! I'm down with the pulled pork, having spent too many July 4ths in NC, but what on earth is wrong with hamburgers and hot dogs. On hamburger and hot dog buns? Sheesh. And don't forget the apple pie to go with the ice cream and berries.

Posted by: caltechgirl at June 05, 2006 12:48 PM (/vgMZ)

5 Mr. Chov??? Come on Angus, get with the program! LOL Traditional Independence Day fare is of course, hot dogs and hamburgers, potato salad, baked beans, and vanilla ice cream with strawberries and blueberries on top. I had it yesterday, in anticipation....LOL again.

Posted by: kenju at June 05, 2006 12:50 PM (2+7OT)

6 Um, rosemary potatos for 4th of July is definitely a first for me. I always did the potato salad route. LOVE potato salad.

Posted by: jadewolff at June 05, 2006 12:52 PM (75szC)

7 No one mentioned watermelon. That is the only thing we had for dessert when I was a kid. Other than that Kenju hit the nail on the head. This isn't about gourmet this about easy, fun, drinking beer and having a good time.

Posted by: jlp at June 05, 2006 12:56 PM (HMAKj)

8 Don't people get that it's a Fourth of July party? And that means you serve American food. Period. End of story. Sheesh.

Posted by: Donna at June 05, 2006 01:05 PM (Aanzg)

9 Oh my god. Straight up Eddie. ("Fuck you, Eddie!") I love you.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at June 05, 2006 01:25 PM (GefuU)

10 Angus needs to come down here to the South (as in Jaw-ja, USA) and show him a REAL American 4th of July cookout. The kind where merely suggesting a baguette will earn him a good ass-whooping or a Budweiser beer bath (worse). That is, if said party is more than 30 miles away from Atlanta (closer in, anything goes). Oh yeah, don't forget the baked beans that melt in your mouth and make you completely flatulize the house for three days, to the point where even the dog won't go in.

Posted by: diamond dave at June 05, 2006 04:19 PM (QmI9R)

11 Pulled pork and beef joints....??? Words fail me. I'll be sending you a bag of Mesquite chunks. Oh, and for the record, the traditional dessert at our house is Red, White, and Blue Jell-O in a mold shaped like the USA.

Posted by: ~Easy at June 05, 2006 07:46 PM (WNa4T)

12 Dessert should look something like this: http://www.kraftfoods.com/jello/recipe_template.aspx?s=recipe&m=recipe/knet_recipe_display&recipe_id=65084 And you can't have the 4th of July without potato salad!! Especially the kind that makes people sick after it's been sitting in the hot sun, as someone else has already mentioned. Love the Eddie Murphy ... totally remember seeing that story on one of his specials when I was a kid and pulling at my Mom to come and look and understand why we liked those McDonalds burgers more than her thick-ass burgers. Minus the gov. cheese though ... lactose is not my friend.

Posted by: Michele at June 05, 2006 08:47 PM (5VGFA)

13 Standard fare in Boston is beer, burgers, corn on the cobb, potato salad and fireworks over the Charles River while the Pops play. That is actually what I will be doing this year as I suspect this may be the last July 4 that I see in Boston for quite some time. Oh and the dessert is some cool-whipped flag cake melange thing that my fam has been doing forever and a day.

Posted by: Some Girl at June 06, 2006 08:06 PM (+3BZS)

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