This is the single hardest thing I've ever been through in my life so far.

I am not coping so well.

You may think I am so tough and so strong, but I'm really not.

I just can't figure out how to say goodbye.

My therapist has even offered an "emergency" phone session tonight, but I don't think I can. I may be going off the rails but the phone, it's not to be trusted.

It's been less than 48 hours since the sonographer whispered to me how sorry she was. They moved us then to The Private Room. I think my sobbing freaked out the next patients. While wrapped tightly in the embrace of Angus I made sounds like a wounded animal. I guess that's what I am.

Before the scan there was a baby in the waiting room with bright blue eyes.

I've lost 6 pounds and still going. Fall is coming and right now I hate it so much I can't bear it.

Why does no one tell you how fucking messy a miscarriage is? How it actually hurts? And that the pregnancy hormone takes so long to leave your system that you still have pregnancy symptoms, while you're not pregnant anymore?

I had a job interview yesterday. I got the job. It's a promotion. My new title is impressive and I'll now be a line manager. Strange, considering all day people kept looking at me and asking if I was ok. I should have asked what kind of miscarriage package the job comes with, because we will be trying again at IVF, because I have a new fear of this ever happening again.

I am so disjointed I don't even make sense to myself. When I get bad I watch mindless TV, because mindless TV doesn't hurt. I can't listen to music as music hurts. I can't read anything online. I can't talk to people because I can't bear the pity.

I'm not the first person to lose and sadly I won't be the last. I am not unique. This will pass but it hasn't passed yet. Maybe it stops when the bleeding stops, which is still some days away.

I don't know why I'm posting this.

I don't want to talk to anyone but Angus.

I would be lost without Angus.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:09 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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