So I've been quiet again, for two reasons:

1) Yesterday I had a headache the size of Mt. St. Helens and spent the morning hurling my guts up over our downstairs toilet, losing even the water that I'd had that morning.

2) On Monday, I drove to a studio and was on a recording of The Weakest Link.

That's right. Little ol' me was on The Weakest Link.

I had a call a few weeks ago checking my availability. They film three shows a day twice a week, and I was asked to be on one of those shows. I had gotten through the paper shift, the audition, a producer's audition, and into the final casting. I felt quite proud of myself for getting so far.

I was also terrified.

The morning of I checked the clothes I had packed three times-black trousers, a salmon colored shirt (Janeville, Statia!), a burgundy Indian inspired shirt, and a bright turquoise shirt. The rules are quite strict-you can't wear black, white, pastels, spots, checks, bright red or cream. Basically, you can't wear anything that wouldn't be found in a peacock's tail or a bad 60's LSD flashback. My Cook Islands black pearl was in place, as was the Irish Valentine's bracelet that is so lovely it still makes me swoon. I packed everything up in my backpack, kissed Angus, took the GPS, and drove to the studio.

The studio, Pinewood Studios, is the BBC most well-known lot for TV and movie productions. It's also quite possibly the hardest one to find as it's smack dab in the middle of the English countryside. You're convinced you're lost until all of a sudden you see a massive soundstage and a number of buildings resembling airplane hangers. Once you see those, you know you're there. I drove up, and was checked off at security. I make my way into the building, and into the room where the others are.

The thing they don't tell you on the show is that although you don't know these people, you'll be spending the entire day with them. You get to know them. I got along quite quickly with almost everyone, particularly a theatre student that I wish I'd gotten her number from, as we got on great. The group was indeed diverse, as the show dictates-you can't have people of the same name, same occupation, same geographical location, same age. It all has to be different.

As you chat you get pulled out to check your biographies, which is on the card that Anne will read in order to humiliate you. It's not easy to sum up a life on an A4 piece of paper but somehow they manage to do it. The wardrobe staff come in and choose what clothes they want you to wear, and they press them for you. Make-up drags you out and puts slap on your face (they kept telling me I had great features and they put a lot of makeup on. Although I think I did look better for it, I did feel like I should be hanging around on a corner asking people if they wanted a date.)

We moved into a new green room, and all of a sudden they tell us this is the intro room and we need to all talk and be filmed doing so. Nerves started running high and the chatter died down. We realized we were nearly there. The cameras came in and we sat around pretending to be great mates. Then we stood up and it was time.

The show is 45 minutes long but takes over 2 and a half hours to film. There's a lot of saying things to the crane camera when the red light comes on. There's a lot of what they call "pick-ups", which is what happens when the microphone you have plugged onto your ass didn't pick up your answer correctly (I had a pick-up myself, where I had to repeat an answer I had given, which luckily happened to be correct.) The truth is, the show doesn't flow as fast as it does on TV-you vote off your weakest link choice and Anne takes a break, so we all get to stand down from our positions at our podiums and chit chat for ten or fifteen minutes. You stand around getting ready-makeup comes and does touch ups, wardrobe adjust your clothes, you laugh nervously and talk-and then suddenly Anne Robinson is on the set and they're shouting "And we're on in five! Four! Three!" then mime the rest and you're off.

It's terrifying.

First off, Anne is tiny. Like, you can put her in your pocket and carry her around if you wanted a miniature Rottweiler in there. It's true it's just a part that she's playing (she was very nice during one of the breaks as she made nice comments about a seeing eye dog that accompanied a blind woman off the set.) but still. She's fucking scary.

Round one started, and my biggest fear was that I would get voted off in round 1. I knew I wouldn't win-although my head is crammed with useless trivia my English general knowledge is not so great-but I wanted to make it past round 1. The round started and as there was one question before me that I didn't know the answer to (it was an English general knowledge question) when it came to me I banked. I got my question correct, and the one after that, but still. Money was safe. We hit the £1000 mark and it was time to vote. We wrote the name down then had to spend three minutes pretending to write to get those "writing off someone" shots, then took a break. Then Anne came back and boards flipped over and I breathed a sigh of relief as overwhelmingly the young nervous student was voted off (although the blind woman voted for me. Whore.)

We got grilled by Anne-I got really grilled by Anne as a "desperate American"-and then the student did the walk of shame. Actually, you do the walk of shame twice, so that the camera gets all angles, before being led offstage for interviews.

I had survived the first round. The second round, we voted off the blind woman (yes, we are all burning in hell for that one. But she was the weakest link in that round and since the bitch voted for me in the first round so she had to go. I do, indeed, have a problem with holding a grudge. You feel sucker punched when you see your name on those blue boards, I tell you.)

Statia gave me odds I would make it to at least round 3.

I did better than that.

The final round I was in I started off the round as the strongest link. We were only a few people left and it felt good to start it off but for me it quickly turned to hell-I was asked three English knowledge questions in a row, including one about an English cabinet politician in 1948 and one about a character from a 1970's TV show. I know I was the weakest link in that round and will look forward to hearing the voiceover (In a sudden reversal of fortune, Helen has gone from the strongest player in the last round to the weakest link in this round. But will the team notice?) When voting came there was a tie between me and another guy, also a weak player. The strongest link had to decide, and he voted against me, largely because, as he said, "I was an American."

Mother fucker.

I was voted off, and did my walk of shame. I have no idea when the show will air (they'll call us beforehand and let us know) but the bastard who voted me off won the game, unfortunately (I hope karma kicks his ass up and down the coastline.)

I didn't win The Weakest Link.

But I did make it to Round 7, and no sour grapes here as I honestly feel being that close to the end is something worth being proud of.

-H.

PS-if you do see the show when it's eventually shown here in England or have satellite TV, I guess you'll recognize me and will indeed learn my real name. Please don't blow my cover, ok?

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:04 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 1414 words, total size 8 kb.

1 Aww, just when I'm leaving the country! Who knows, though, mebbe I'll catch it if it shows in the next two weeks...

Posted by: Orodemniades at April 12, 2006 10:36 AM (Bd74n)

2 Wow, how cool! You are you going to let all of us know when it's going to be airing, right? And it'll be on BBC1 or BBC2 - it has to be, because those are the only two British channels (except for BBC World) that we get in the Netherlands. Congratulations that you made it to round 7! It sucks being an American outside of America, sometimes, doesn't it?

Posted by: Hannah at April 12, 2006 10:48 AM (wR4yP)

3 Nope, Hannah-I won't be whispering a word of when it will be on. I actually don't know when it will be, but witnessing my downfall is not something I'm going to be broadcasting!

Posted by: Helen at April 12, 2006 11:08 AM (O5saq)

4 Comgrats to you-that is so cool. But that guy is a fucker-so what if your American? Fucker.

Posted by: Teresa at April 12, 2006 12:25 PM (zf0DB)

5 Oh god-I did not just really write comgrats to you, did I? Honestly...

Posted by: Teresa at April 12, 2006 12:26 PM (zf0DB)

6 That sucks, I would have loved to have watched it! I am going to be in England later in May so maybe I'll get lucky You know, it could also have been that he actually thought you were a bigger threat and just wanted to get you out. But of course to actually admit that would make him look insecure...

Posted by: Jadewolff at April 12, 2006 12:42 PM (cH5GO)

7 That's awesome! To know so much about another country's history and all...I couldn't even do it for America! That's a wonder.

Posted by: sue at April 12, 2006 01:08 PM (WbfZD)

8 Wow, you'll be the second American I know (well, as much as one can know via the internet) that's been on The Weakest Link this year. A guy from a US-UK expat forum I belong to who lives in Scotland was on two weeks ago - he didn't win either.

Posted by: tanis at April 12, 2006 01:46 PM (yyBtp)

9 I don't think we still get that show over here, but if I see it, I promise not to blow your cover. Congrats on getting that high in the game. You should be justifiably proud of that.

Posted by: kenjukenju at April 12, 2006 01:56 PM (2+7OT)

10 wait a minute? what? the weakest link is still around?????

Posted by: ali at April 12, 2006 02:10 PM (OWAad)

11 Seven rounds is indeed something to be proud of! Good for you! I loved that show when it was on in the US. In fact, when we were on our honeymoon in the Virgin Islands, I made a point to be back in the room at the right time so I could watch it. I love shouting out answers, no matter how right or wrong, along with that show.

Posted by: donna at April 12, 2006 02:44 PM (0b/IZ)

12 Wow, Helen, that's f'ing impressive! You should be so proud! i'm amazed, i know I could never have done so well under pressure like that. go you!

Posted by: trouble at April 12, 2006 03:07 PM (j2vfb)

13 I want a dvd copy so I can show all my friends.

Posted by: statia at April 12, 2006 03:22 PM (NsnoE)

14 Round 7 is *hardly* a downfall! Well done! Sorry about the headache, I hope you're feeling better today.

Posted by: Lisa at April 12, 2006 03:58 PM (ELUjU)

15 I'm going to show my lack of coolness here, but how many rounds are there? Because round 7 sounds pretty damn good! Unless there are 30... But there are only 10 or so, right? In which case, you were smarter than at least half of the folks taking the test, and 2/3 of the folk on the show, which means you did REALLY well! Add on the fact that you aren't a native (which gives everyone else an advantage), and I would say you kicked ass over that Butthead who voted you off! Congrats big time! And the makeup probably won't look so overdone on camera - trust the professionals, no?

Posted by: stephanie at April 12, 2006 04:26 PM (DsS6B)

16 What? Helen is not your real name? That can not be. Well done.

Posted by: Broken at April 12, 2006 05:07 PM (wypb3)

17 Congrats on lucky seven! And Helen, we would never blow your cover. Ever.

Posted by: Dana at April 13, 2006 06:14 AM (mY0KN)

18 Round 7. Hot damn! I feel smarter just knowing you. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at April 13, 2006 09:17 AM (oqu5j)

19 No black or white, because lighting is hell with those extremes in play. No pastels because they're apt to look like nothing at all, again, lighting. No spots or checks because of this nasty little thing called a moiré effect, the sort of trippy motion you get from one pattern (the clothing) crossing another (the lines of the TV set.) No red because, for some reason, red shows up utterly awful on 95% of televisions. Take a look at your favorite TV shows. Chances are that not one character will be wearing red— and if they do, it's an accent color. I suspect the deal with cream is that it would only look like dirty white. I'm surprised they didn't mention pinstripes. Those things are evil. And did they put lavender or yellow under your eyes? Or green? TV makeup is weird. (I majored in broadcast studies, does it show?) Oh— and awesome for making it so far, It's a tough, tough game, especially when you don't have the culture osmosis to help you out.

Posted by: B. Durbin at April 14, 2006 01:43 AM (tie24)

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