I had to go to Waitrose to buy dinner goods. I was stressed, tired, hot (the English summer has now arrived full on, and God knows it better stay that way for my barbecue next weekend) and, in true Helen tradition, had neglected to think about my attire and thus went to the shop in glasses, hair in a hasty ponytail, a T-shirt and Target-style shorts.

And because I left dignity behind in a basket containing my 9th grade retainer and that time I'd farted in assembly, I didn't have any knickers on, either.

As you do.

I pulled into the parking lot and parked up. I reached over for my handbag and went to open the door when a whir of dark blue stopped me. I looked out the window, blinking not unlike an owl. There, next to me, was a Mini convertible. And not just any Mini convertible-a Mini convertible with about the worst parking job in the history of parking jobs. She'd parked partially in my space, as I'd left loads of room on my side of the car in my space. Her sideview mirror was inches away from my car door and, as she was only half-way through her space, I couldn't open my door without hitting her car. I would have to get out the passenger door, which was uncomfortably close to the railed off shopping cart roud-up.

The woman, clad in expensive Gucci sunglasses, raised them and looked at me. I looked back at her-she had at least 15 years on me and into her second generation of facelifts (or so it looked beneath the layer of Max Factor I was blinded by. I could be wrong. Camouflage, you know.) Now, chavviness aside, she was about as fucking rude as it gets. She parked badly, knew it, and did it anyway. She didn't care about the needs of others and I was infuriated, not just because she fit every tacky stereotype known to mankind, but because I froze like a prom date on prom night and all zippy retorts slipped me by, as the Hoochie Mama pranced into the shop.

"Sorry!" she rang out, Burberry bag on her arm, as she walked into the shop without bothering to actually move her vehicle.

Well OK then. She was sorry. She was sorry she parked up her precious, brand-new Mini convertible in such a way as to inconvenience me. She was sorry, so sorry.

It was straight out of Fried Green Tomatoes. I was Kathy Bates.

Me as Evelyn Couch: "Hey! I was waiting for that spot!"

Her, morphed from chicks in miniskirts: "Face it, lady, we're younger and faster!"

This was where I got to be the bigger person. I refrained from shouting obsenities (mostly because I couldn't think of any). I didn't shoot her the bird. I was the height of restraint. This, because she was sorry.

I however was not sorry that I had taken our crap car to the shops, the one that we plan on driving into the ground, the 8 year-old mega-ugly wonder that we don't care about and has the dents to prove it.

I smiled.

Evelyn Couch said: "Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance."

Me? I said: Face it, honey, I'm tired and have a shitty car.

I opened the door and digned the hell out of her sideview mirror.

A few times.

Because, you know, my hand slipped.

Just stop me if I resort to trampoline-bouncing while singing along to Stop in the Name of Love (because no matter what mental health professionals tell you, it is NEVER OK to listen to the Supremes), or shouting "Tawanda!" and shit, ok?

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:19 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 630 words, total size 3 kb.

1 I spent the whole paragraph cringing in anticipation of the No Knickers Fact suddenly becoming a major plot twist. Instead ... car park rage! Awesome.

Posted by: jac at June 26, 2006 12:37 PM (RUAP0)

2 I've lost count of the number of times I've wanted to do this but haven't so I'm glad that you did. Did you think "Sorry " as your hand slipped?

Posted by: Caroline M at June 26, 2006 12:53 PM (x3QDi)

3 ahhh, sweet, sweet justice served!

Posted by: geeky at June 26, 2006 01:09 PM (ziVl9)

4 You're my hero. Seriously.

Posted by: amber at June 26, 2006 01:14 PM (riNo/)

5 Karma, baby. Sometimes, people make their own. Sometimes, I help theirs along.

Posted by: trouble at June 26, 2006 02:00 PM (j2vfb)

6 oh, I'm so glad you did that!!

Posted by: kalisah at June 26, 2006 02:03 PM (L4c0a)

7 Way to go! Serves that cocky wench right!

Posted by: amelia at June 26, 2006 02:20 PM (m+C+k)

8 The meester, he has keyed many asshole parkers cars.

Posted by: statia at June 26, 2006 02:52 PM (NsnoE)

9 I was JUST talking about that scene with Sarah on Friday. I'm so happy you hurt her car. Some people just deserve that shit.

Posted by: amy t. at June 26, 2006 02:54 PM (zPssd)

10 That was flippin' sweet.

Posted by: Teri at June 26, 2006 02:59 PM (K7jOL)

11 Oh that's freakin' awesome, and I bet it felt good! I'm definitely too big a pansy to do that, but oh how I'd love to!

Posted by: Erin at June 26, 2006 03:52 PM (zw8QA)

12 Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh you are EVIL. But she deserved it!

Posted by: caltechgirl at June 26, 2006 05:14 PM (/vgMZ)

13 H... I LOVE YOU... You you are my soul sister

Posted by: stinkerbell at June 26, 2006 08:04 PM (p6odB)

14 I know I've ranted on this before, but I tend to feel the only forms of life lower than those who park with total disregard for others are pedophiles and neo-Nazis. Well, I'm sure there's plenty of others lower than that, but I can't think of any right now. BTW total coolness! You rock.

Posted by: diamond dave at June 26, 2006 09:04 PM (W0Qi5)

15 I used to have some calling cards that one could slip under the windshield wiper of a car that had parked badly, apologizing for having to scratch the hell ouot of the car because of their lousy parking job. I ran out years ago and I still wish I had some in my purse.....LOL

Posted by: kenju at June 27, 2006 03:47 AM (2+7OT)

16 Good on yer! :-) Just how I feel when I see someone parking in Disabled Parking outside supermarkets and then LEAP out of their car and RUN into the shop. I always feel like saying "You've taken my parking space, would you like my disability too?"... But I've never had the nerve. All the best from a field in Wales, Maggie

Posted by: Maggie Wallace at June 27, 2006 01:00 PM (+72+j)

17 Mwhaa haa haa

Posted by: sue at June 27, 2006 07:07 PM (WbfZD)

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