Angus' kids arrived Saturday morning in a hail of lists of things that need to be done for Halloween. Since we've been together his kids have insisted on coming to visit for Halloween-my childish adoration of all things spooky has made it a fun place to be, so half-size Halloween company is now the norm.

Last year we had a Halloween party with all of Angus' extended family, too.

This has also become a norm.

Angus asked me a few days ago if I'd mind having everyone over. At that point, I was on my 6th Tums of the day, I couldn't feel my eyelids, and my head hurt. "Babe," I said slowly. "I really, really don't want everyone to come over. I'd really like a quiet day."

So naturally everyone came over-I think I'm only asked to get a general gauge of my thoughts, not because it bears any weight on the decision.

And so it was that first thing Sunday morning it started. The cooking, the cleaning, the decorating. Someone once told Angus that they love how they come over and everything seems ready made, like it was no effort at all. This has become his mantra-everything must look effortless, as though we magically opened the over door and voila! Roast beef and Yorkshire Puddings just happen to be in there! Abracadabra, have some roast turkey!

I'm here to say: Complete lie, people. Want to talk work? Let's talk work.

So first thing yesterday I was cooking up soup. Then pumpkin pie. Then mashed potatoes. This, while trying to clean and help Melissa, who I'd made frosted ghost sugar cookies with last year and who wanted to do them again. And it includes cooking up an entire porcine for breakfast so I very nicely smelled of sausages all morning. Angus had the massive hunk of beef lined up and a parsnip dish he'd started the night before. It was a war in the kitchen, the dishwasher will shortly be awarded the Medal of Honor.

By lunchtime I felt fried (not unlike the sausages, I guess).

Angus came up to me. "You've got some food on your neck."

I swabbed my neck with a dish cloth. "Gone?"

"No it's still there. OhÂ…it's...where did you get that love bite from?"

Oh. My. God.

I whirled around to look in the mirror. "Dude! You gave me a hickey! What is this, high school?"

SoÂ…do you ever have those evenings where you wake up to find you're having sex? Like, you're asleep but not really? We do that from time to time and find that, in the middle of the night, we're at each other. Last night was such a night. He didn't even remember the whole thing, I only remembered parts. I absolutely enjoyed it, but finding a massive love bite on the neck hours before his Mum was due to arrive was a little bitÂ…stressful. Funny. Stressful.

We traded roles and Angus took over the kitchen while I ran an errand with Jeff, who was rewarded with a Simpson's Comic Book (it always pays to go to the shop with Helen). When I came back it was finishing touches time-decorations, table settings, everything.

I was already tired and no one had even arrived yet.

Then we heard the news-Angus' other nieces were coming.

Christ.

****Warning-A Non-Parent About To Pass On Unsolicited Opinions About Children****

The Monsters are one of Angus' brothers children, Ida and Erica. Ida is the same age as Jeff, and she can be terribly sweet if you get her alone. Erica is 4, and she's absolutely out of control. Their parents have that touchy-feely approach to parenting-instead of scolding or punishing, you get "How do you think that makes me feel?" Because really-when you have a 4 year-old, that always works.

The result is a child who screams, gets what she wants, hits, shouts, and demands. Maybe it's a function of age-the only other 4 year-old I know is Angus' other niece, a tiny little perfect child whose parents are quite strict. I don't know what the answer is, maybe she'll grow out of it, but Angus and I both think Erica's pretty badly behaved most of the time. Truthfully she too can be very sweet when she wants to be-sometimes she's delightful to be around. The problem is, simply, sometimes she isn't. The proof usually comes in the wake of her behavior. Last night saw one of my Halloween decorations get broken in half, I heard: "I WANT A DRINK OF WATER!" no less than three times, Gorby was swung at a number of times (luckily she's a lightweight and he's fast-he didn't notice her swinging, although I firmly asked her not to do this a number of times. She totally listened. Totally.) and the shrieking at the table about how disgusting our carrots were could be heard several towns over.

In short, had I known she was coming I would have taken some of my herbal tranquilizers.

(I lie. Since my ulcer went off about two hours before they came over, I was popping Tums and herbal tranquilzers anyway. Had I known she'd be there, I simply would have doubled the dosage).

At dinner, Angus' mother was re-counting a story she'd heard of two sisters that live in the same town that don't speak to each other. "Two sisters!" She said, looking directly at me. "Isn't that the most awful thing you've ever heard, Helen?"

Oh fuck.

Well, might as well get it out there.

"Actually," I say slowly. "My sister and I don't speak either."

She looked mortified. "You don't?"

I shook my head. "No, we don't speak. I don't think we ever will do again."

She firmed her lips. "Well. Don't you come in and spread that amongst my boys, will you."

I sighed from somewhere deep, deep down inside. "No, I won't." I reply. I do solemnly promise to keep my pestilence within me. I come with a whole range of infectious diseases but I'll be sure to spread one that doesn't break up a family. I'm not sure why I'm such a horror anyway-I know that Angus' ex doesn't speak to her sister, and one of Angus' sisters-in-law doesn't speak to her family back home either.

So maybe I'm already spreading my pestilence.

The icing on the cake is that one of Angus' sisters-in-law is very pregnant. She got knocked up around the time that our first IVF cycle together failed. It pains me a lot to be around her and I fight to keep a big smile on my face. She's a lovely woman and I really like her, it's just a bit hard to be around her right now. She's due in January with their first son together. I'm happy for them, but I can't help being outrageously jealous, too.

I am probably making the evening sound like a lot of work (it was!) but it was also good fun, too. I like a household full of people enjoying themselves. His family can be great, and although I am maybe not part of the family, I'm not the one wearing the big red letter "A" anymore, either. I genuinely like his entire family and have great conversations with most of them. His brothers are a good laugh and I do like his two sisters-in-law. I am decidedly conscious of the fact that I am "the other woman", and more on that tomorrow, but no one pushes that on me. We're hosting Christmas here, and while I know it will be completely exhausting, a large part of it will be fantastic as well.

We had fireworks later in the evening as it's always fun to blow up your money. The kids had sparklers (under strict supervision) and the grown-up kids lit off expensive packs of fireworks (Gorby listened to classical music in the study during this. Hopefully, it wasn't Wagner.)

When everyone left the party, we flopped down on the couch. I couldn't believe how tired I was, I felt as though I'd been running a marathon. All of us went to bed by 10:00, we just couldnÂ’t hack it. My hickey curled up in front of Angus and we fell to sleep within seconds.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:44 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 1390 words, total size 8 kb.