Yesterday was National Indulgence Day. I know this-it was on my calendar. I'd specifically marked it in Outlook, and if you know one thing about me know this-I'd use Outlook to tell me when to tie my fucking shoes if I could, I am that dependent on Outlook. Moses may have had two stone tablets, Bill Gates may have lines of code, and me? My guide is Outlook. So suffice to say that if Outlook tells me it must happen, then it is so. So it is written, so it shall be.

National Indulgence Day it was then. We needed it-true, we've been to Greece recently. True, we had a big successful party. True, we'd both gotten incredible bonuses. But the real world was coming back in, and doing it hard. My stress-related facial tick has gotten so bad I look like I'm permanently under a strobe light. I'm eating antacids like a hardcore stockbroker. And I have developed another mouth ulcer, a sure sign that I'm not coping well. I have been so crushed by actions of others at work that I am completely demotivated. I'm not working as hard as I should do, and when I sit down to try to work hard I just get consumed with bitterness and anger. I am still job hunting, but summer is not the best time to do this.

National Indulgence Day started off thus-a plop on the doormat marked the arrival of something I'd ordered from Amazon months ago. A cool chick with great taste in home renovations had turned me on to Mo Willems, and I'd seen this book on Amazon. Once I saw it, I knew I had to have it. It took ages to arrive but once it did it was just as amazing as I suspected it would be.

The afternoon I spent in a spa. I booked a waxing, a full body massage, a facial, and a manicure. This was huge for me-I have never in my entire life had a manicure before, ever. I cannot stand the sound or feel of nail filing and I knew I'd have to overcome this. I made my way to the spa, face makeup-less and body tense. The waxing was as un-fun as ever. The manicure was also un-fun-my teeth were sweating buckets as she filed my nails. When she got to my thumbnails I had to be pried off the ceiling using the latest in cuticle technology, but once that was done she went about painting my nails.

Now, I'm a girl in that I like dresses and skirts and sparkly things. I am not a girl in that I never, ever paint my fingernails. Call me crazy (and believe me, some do) it makes my fingers feel too heavy. Fingernail polish make me feel like I've got weights attached to my fingers. But she painted them a nice, clean neutral color and I still have the polish on-it looks pretty and my fingers just feel a wee bit heavy but nothing I can't live with.

It came to massage and facial time. The facial was brilliant-I think she used about one hundred different unguents on my face, rubbing my temples, my hair, my chin, my throat. I had the anti-aging facial, so a special collagen gel was rubbed on at the end and remarkably, I do look a bit younger now.

Anti-aging facials. I am one step away from ordering a thighmaster and getting out the muumuus.

The massage was the final step. Soft music playing, the curtains drawn and incense drifing in the room, she started off with an Elemis treatment of a body scrub followed by lots of Japanese massage oil. At first my mind was fillled with Things Of A Serious Nature-the recent betrayal at work. The rewards of others betraying me. Babies. My therapy session. IVF. What I would be when I grew up. How to quit and become a writer. Those kinds of Things of a Serious Nature.

Then, suddenly, I was away. None of those things were on my mind anymore. I don't remember what I thought of, but nothing hurt, nothing was on my mind. I was Lisa in the flotation tank, I was Jean-Marc Barr diving deep.

Some time later I sighed contentedly. She pulled off the eye mask and smiled at me. "You don't relax, do you?" she asked.

"No, I find it quite hard to do." I replied ruefully, sitting up and tucking the towel around me.

"I've never had a client as tense as you are. You fell asleep for a little while, and I thought you needed the rest. We're all done here, but do leave the oils on your skin for a while, as your skin needs to absorb them."

I looked at my watch-I'd been gone for an hour. I get dressed and head home, as I'm meeting Lloyd to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean film in an hour. I take her point and don't rinse off the oils but I do wash my hair out-the massage oils left me looking like Medusa, and that whole Tara Reid trailer-trash look really didn't suit me.

I felt soft and pampered when I finally met up with Lloyd. The theatre was packed as it was opening night for the film in England, and as we'd suspected it would be full, I'd booked tickets online. There was only one machine out of 5 working, and the one working machine didn't recognize my booking, so we headed upstairs to get tickets from the refreshments counter. The area was heaving with people trying to buy tickets. The guy scanned my card but there's still no booking. Frustrated, I asked him to try again. Still no joy.

I decided last week that the New Helen needed to be stronger, less accepting of all the negative. I have picked my battles recently, with success. I have started standing up for myself. I decided that their machines not recognizing my card was not my problem. I reached out to lean my forearms on their glass counters, stern words of admonishment already out of my mouth-"Look, your company advocates booking online and I've done so, only you're machines are rubbish and-"

Here I leaned on the cabinet.

And because I'm a total fuck monkey, I'd forgotten I was still covered in massage oils.

My arms shot out from under me and my face hit the counter with a bang so loud that people in other queues looked over.

I sat up, my face the color of the red Frostees that they serve. "Ummm....ow." I said meekly, rubbing my forehead.

The guy gave me two tickets anyway.

When stern doesn't work, apply slapstick.

We did one other thing for National Indulgence Day in our house-click on the extended entry to see our new baby.

-H.
We went and bought a 42-inch HD plasma screen TV. Our 32-inch will now be hung with pride in the kitchen. Here's a pic of it with a "Big Love" ad on (I absolutely adore that show)

(Ignore the cables out of the side. We were just so excited to hang it up that we haven't tidied it up yet.)

Here's the definition on the screen.

If anyone asks, this is the alter at which we pray.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:04 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 1228 words, total size 7 kb.

1 I am impressed with the TV and jealous of the full day at the spa. I'd love to have seen the splat on the counter; slapstick will get you in every time!

Posted by: kenju at July 07, 2006 10:48 AM (2+7OT)

2 Congrats on the new tv - quite quite beautiful. and on a successful indulgence. My missus has the same issues with nailpolish. She also sometimes says that it makes her feel like she is having trouble breathing... me? I love the nailpolish, when I can keep it from chipping, that is.

Posted by: martha at July 07, 2006 01:11 PM (Ez1LO)

3 We're laughing WITH you, not AT you, you realize... *loud laughter* Gratz on the new "addition"... cool!!

Posted by: sue at July 07, 2006 01:17 PM (WbfZD)

4 I'm sorry but I laughed so hard that my coworkers came over to see what I was cackling about. You just started my day off beautifully! I knew when you said "massage" that your therapist would tell you that your muscles are like rocks. I've worked on people like you. That's when I bust out the elbows and get as much height as I can (at my towering form of 5'1) to lean in. The upside? Y'all are the first to fall asleep so it's easier to work on you once you're out. You don't fight the touch that way. So um. When are you coming to Houston? Table's in my closet....

Posted by: Ms. Pants at July 07, 2006 01:36 PM (GefuU)

5 I totally want a massage now. Must book one. Loving the new boob tube. When you go to Houston to visit Ms. Pants, drop by Louisiana to seem me!

Posted by: Ice Queen at July 07, 2006 02:05 PM (Lyl8J)

6 You are now the owner of the coveted "My favorite post of the day award." You should feel honored and amused. Also, you are the inaugural winner of the "My favorite post of the day award" thus you should have some sort of day named after you. You note your special day in Outlook. Also, you should use the day to get a massage. IÂ’ve heard that you enjoy being covered in oil.

Posted by: Some Girl at July 07, 2006 02:11 PM (+3BZS)

7 I have the same issue with nail polish... it does feel heavy and I can't move my fingers right and they just feel *wrong*. And they look wrong too with polish on. Great TV, and isn't that Big Love? Is it still showing over there?

Posted by: nuala` at July 07, 2006 03:17 PM (DSTDJ)

8 Good thing I didn't start my dinner yet. My monitor would have been covered with it, after reading about you "standing up for yourself". (yes, I tend to eat dinner quite often at my computer.) Hope the work situation improves soon. And in the meantime, have Angus work on your back and feet (foot massages can do wonders). Sounds like more relaxation would do you good.

Posted by: diamond dave at July 07, 2006 08:38 PM (LfElj)

9 Do we really need an excuse to indulge?

Posted by: Buffy at July 08, 2006 08:52 PM (FDZl5)

10 Great post.. This is why i never stay away too long. gotta stay away from stress..cause stress did slay ken lay..(wouldnt doubt darth cheney did it though) I apologize for getting political...just trying to make a point. take care.

Posted by: J.M at July 09, 2006 05:16 AM (k3v0Q)

11 My husband can't take the sound of a nail file, either can his mom. And ditto on the nail polish. What I find ironic is why I was waiting for the page to load I was finally trying out some soft pink nail polish, and decided I must remove it because I have to put 10 coats on just to see it and now my fingers are weighed down. Crazy. Glad you got to relax, get your tickets, and fantastic t.v. I would love to pray at your altar anyday.

Posted by: Teresa at July 10, 2006 03:00 AM (f+o6m)

12 I have to comment here, since there is no link to the post above. Whomever would link to you and indicate that they think you are whining is mean-spirited and nasty. Pay them NO mind at all. I like my life and you deserve yours as much as anyone does. None of us is perfect and none of our lives are perfect either. Please allow us (all of us) to whine if we want without getting snarky!

Posted by: kenju at July 10, 2006 10:29 AM (2+7OT)

13 Sleepover/movie party at Helen's!

Posted by: Hannah at July 11, 2006 08:07 AM (5w+E2)

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