"Did you pee?" Angus asked.

"I did," I reply.

"Was it good?" he asks.

"It was," I reply.

It's not that we are an uber-close couple that share all of our intimate moments with each other, be they emotional or physical. We don't normally feel the need to impart information on our urinary habits to each other, it's one of those things that, like wet farting, can often be the killer of romance.

But this past weekend my urination has been put on a bulletin board in our household, as I was pretty ill last week. Last Tuesday, after returning from Ireland, I trekked to London to see my therapist. Halfway there and I felt really, really nauseous. I visited my nice therapist and then needed to run some errands, but I simply gave up and returned home-I felt too ill. I rode the world's longest train ride home-not speaking to anyone as I wasn't sure that it would be sound that came out of my mouth should I open it-and once I tumbled through the door I went up the stairs an threw my guts up. When that concluded, I put on my pajamas, Angus piled on three duvets over me, and I shaked and shivered my way through the day.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby!

I stayed in bed most of the day and night, getting up to puke and shake from fever from time to time.

It continued on Wednesday, as did the fever too (or else there really ARE miniature horses running on a grid line throughout our bedroom. I haven't vacuumed for a few days, it's entirely possible that miniature equestrian geometrics are occurring in there.) I started getting a bit better on Thursday-I could hold food down, and by Friday I was feeling better.

But strangely, on Friday I didn't pee.

Not once.

Even after coffee, a bottle of water, and some juice. I chalked it up to being dehydrated from the flu (a vomit for you, a vomit for me), but Friday evening things got weird. I suddenly had to pee, and I had to pee really, really badly. So badly I thoughy I might just wreck the romance and leave a nice puddle on the couch. Only when I got to the toilet, nothing happened.

So became the routine. I would race to the bathroom, sure the bladder was full, and nada. Nothing. In fact, the nada droplets were pretty painful. The doctor's office was closed and there are no Doc in the Boxes here, it would have to wait until Monday.

And then I started passing blood, and seeing as my period is two weeks away, I knew I had a problem. I looked online and realized that what I had wasn't the flu but the fun-filled delight known as a urinary tract infection (UTI)-it wasn't a hypochondriac moment, I had every single symptom and I remembered what it felt like to have a UTI.

I've had two previous UTIs in my life. Once was when I was a little girl, and the other was 8 years ago. Only 8 years ago it went from a UTI to a kidney infection with lightening speed, and I had a fever and a temperature so high I went into seizures in the ER, thereby getting me a Welcome to Our Hospital pass for three days. UTIs are not something I muck around with. Not to mention that we leave for our holiday in 7 days (7 DAYS! ) and we're on the downhill slope to fertility treatment, and my body, she will be like a temple. When I started passing bloody bits in the few drops of pee I could coax out Friday night, I knew I really had a problem that couldn't wait.

So we called to have a house call from the local doctor service. And, on the one hand, it kinda' cracked me up-house calls are so old-fashioned, so 1930's. I have never in my life had a house call, it feels very "toddler with the mumps" to me. But on the other hand it wasn't funny at all-I knew I couldn't wait until Monday, what with the bloody bits and the desperate need to pee, despite the inability to.

The doctor finally made it around 3 am. A tired Angus and I waited up as she too diagnosed a UTI. She felt my stomach (and I swore I was going to wet the couch then and there and I wouldn't have felt any embarrassment at all, I would have only felt sweet orgasmic-like relief). She handed me some antibiotics and a prescription to get the rest of the pills the next day. She was very kind, very thorough, and didn't wince at the urine sample I provided her (seriously, some things in life are pretty fucking gross-Madonna's faux English-plummy accent, pus, Sandra Bernhardt's face, pooping in public...This urine sample kicked all of their cumulative asses.) As she was leaving, she told me that I didn't have to complete the antibiotics, that I could stop when the symptoms subsided as they are very strong antibiotics and my infection should clear up quickly.

"Isn't that against normal advice?" Angus asked. "Shouldn't she take the whole set of antibiotics?"

"Oh no," assured the doctor. "You can keep them for a rainy day."

Great! What a fabulous idea! So, like, one day when Angus and I are sitting around all bored, and he looks up from the TV Guide and says, "Gee, Helen. Nothing's on TV. What should we do instead?" I can reply, "I know! Let's go pop some antibiotics!"

Antibiotics are being taken with religious reverence, and the peeing is nearly back on track. Blood gone. Bloody bits (ew) gone. Pain in peeing mostly gone. Back pain gone. It's all good.

I hadn't realized the emotional and spiritual connection I have to peeing. When you have a teeny little bladder like I do and have to pee all the time, it's a real nuisance. When you can't do it, it's HELL. I will never take my Charmin for granted again. Thank you, little pink bladder. Thank you. And PS-thanks for fucking up my Valentine's Day.

-H.

PS-Did I mention that our two and a half week holiday starts one week from today? I wasn't sure if I did or not. Just checking.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:30 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 1062 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Looks like we both had very romantic Valentine's Day. I spent mine in the hospital with a piece of pork lodged in my esophagus. Thankfully I am no longer drooling like a fool and I am delighted that you are now able to pee pain-free.

Posted by: Marie at February 20, 2006 02:50 PM (PQxWr)

2 Eek! That sucks! Glad you're feeling better. I've had 2 UTI's, but neither gave me fever or vomit (knock on wood)..either way, I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

Posted by: Erin at February 20, 2006 03:56 PM (zw8QA)

3 never had a UTI but that sounds like no fun. I am glad you are on the mend and I HOPE HOPE HOPE all goes well. Cause it is t-7 and counting

Posted by: stinkerbell at February 20, 2006 04:04 PM (QcMkT)

4 Delurking to say, UTI's suck, and with alll due respect to your Doc, take all the antibiotic, because those little e coli germs are more resilient than most, and if you leave any of them, that crap will come right back.

Posted by: aw at February 20, 2006 05:05 PM (GjQkX)

5 Will actually stop lurking and post... Actually, UTI often come after wild lovemaking! I personally don't go in for antibiotics but I have a tried and true cure...cranberry juice. Seriously, it has worked for years. The good doc actually is right about the antibiotics, that was old thinking to finish everything, but now they know that the more antibiotics you take the more good bacteria in your body is killed (think recurring UTI and maybe with a yeast infection thrown in...yuk!) I would definitely stop them as soon as you feel better. PS your house is lovely...but God! UK real estate is "dear" as they say here...

Posted by: rosy at February 20, 2006 06:00 PM (PIx2C)

6 Yeah, I just had my first kidney infection this month. I was out of work for 10 work days. Mainly because I'm an idiot and self-diagnosed the flu - severe headaches, high temp, diarrhea, what else could it be? Duh! Next time I'll go to the doctor the first or second day instead of the eighth! I have ordered a huge supply of cranberry pills, since the doc says I probably had a low symptomatic UTI that moved to the kidneys. But, best of all, she ordered every test known to man before she figured out that I wasn't married to someone in the military - you know, that free medical care, I have to pay for it as a lowly civilian DoD employee. And I was too sick to protest when she insisted on a gonorrhea, chlymidia and Hep C test as well as all the others because my husband had just gotten back from deployment. (Ergo, they're all cheating bastards, we just are too dumb to believe it.) Yep, over 80 dollars worth of tests to prove my man didn't bring back a special gift for me from the desert. Best of luck with your fertility treatment.

Posted by: Oda Mae at February 20, 2006 06:21 PM (lQZBf)

7 with the puking and everything, it sounds more like a kidney infection than it does a UTI, but I'm not a doctor, so I guess she oughta know. I had a killer kidney infection a couple of months ago. it started with vomiting, then diarrhea, then the painful urination and horrid back ache. when I did the pee sample at the docs, I had blood in mine too. yuck. I'd never had a kidney infection before and I never want one again. it was most unpleasant.

Posted by: girl at February 20, 2006 09:09 PM (HQuHV)

8 I feel your pain. Dear god do I hate UTIs. I used to get them a lot more frequently than I do now until someone gave me the advice to pee right after sex. Every single time. It is almost a joke with my boyfriend and I now, but I swear by it! (Sorry for the TMI commentary lol).

Posted by: Lee at February 20, 2006 11:11 PM (PYZOC)

9 i also have to jump in and post. i am by no means a docor, but i do have a masters in microbiology, and it is in no way an old school of thought that you should take all of your antibiotics. while it is true that if you continue after you feel better you will kill bateria that normally live in your body, these guys were probably killed in the first 2 days of antibiotics and this can be remedied by eating yogurt. it is also true though that if you stop when you feel better, chances are all the UTI bacteria arent dead, and those that remain are going to be much more resistant to antibiotics...but like i said, im not a doctor.

Posted by: sarah at February 21, 2006 12:04 AM (A/RmO)

10 I, too, had the pleasure of experiencing a kidney infection once, and it was pure HELL. So glad to hear that you're on the mend.

Posted by: Ornery at February 21, 2006 04:26 AM (2KXgQ)

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