Dear Egg and Bacon,

Today you're four years old. Four years old! This is the last year you get to stay home with me (all giggling faces and sticky fingers) as you start school next year, complete with requisite ties and cardigans. The school is just up the road, and was built over 100 years ago. Gorby and I would walk you both to school in the morning and see you when you come home, where you'd chatter and fill the evening with light.

Four years seems so long ago, and yet I remember much of it like it was last month. Your mommy has had a rough month this month, and I've thought of you often. I've learnt a lot about you, too-you had the shortest maybe life and yet you were a big part of me. I wanted you two more than you will ever be able to imagine-just picture how much you think I wanted you and multiply it by ten million, and you're still nowhere near.

So you're not here, but somewhere you're four years old, and I picture you finger painting. I see Christmas lights reflecting in the expanse of your wide open faces. I smell the corner of your necks and imagine chubby knuckles of hands still learning the fine arts of operating. I open yogurt pots for your pudding, I tell you to be careful with Gorby, who loves you two so much he can't stop following you around to make sure you're ok.

Mommy is beginning to move on now, but in the center of her heart in the place she holds things super tightly? That's where you live. That's where you'll always be.

Today you are four. Today your grandpa is 54. Your grandpa was just here visiting with Mommy, and his visit was so important to her. He took her to Westminster Abbey, where we stood before the nave and didn't say anything. He put coins into a box and handed me candles. I lit three of them, closing my eyes and talking to myself:

To my little Egg, who I never knew.

To tiny Bacon, who never got to be here.

And, for the first time, but never the last:

To Dr. Seuss baby, who nearly was.

I miss you guys so much, and I love you dearly.

When I finished I looked over at Grandpa to see that he was lighting a candle, too.

To my little Egg and Bacon-pull up your socks. Would you like an apple? Let's think about what we shall do today. Maybe we should go wash your hands.

I am not religious but in my mind I see you look like angels.

Wherever you are, I hope it's full of laughter and light.

Wherever you are, I hope you see your little sibling and hold on to them, loving them as fiercely as I love all three of you.

Wherever you are, I hope it's wonderful.

Wherever you are, wait there. I will be there someday. I promise you that.

And when I get there, I will never let you go again.

Love,
Mommy

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:19 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 531 words, total size 3 kb.

1 I don't usually like to start out the day crying, but today it is OK.

Posted by: Teresa at September 15, 2006 12:19 PM (PZNTf)

2 They are so lucky to be loved so well.

Posted by: Hannah at September 15, 2006 12:46 PM (ImQx2)

3 **hug**

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at September 15, 2006 12:51 PM (0uaKa)

4 You make my life feel so blessed. Thank you.

Posted by: sue at September 15, 2006 02:07 PM (WbfZD)

5 Oy.. anyone got a box of Kleenex and some Clear Eyes I can borrow?

Posted by: girl at September 15, 2006 02:08 PM (ZIi+3)

6 I don't think anyone has ever written something that has made me want to believe in a better place out there before. You are one beautiful woman, H.

Posted by: amy t. at September 15, 2006 02:37 PM (3dOTd)

7 That was a beautiful tribute to your angels, Helen.

Posted by: Amanda at September 15, 2006 03:41 PM (ay+rD)

8 That was beautiful. Thinking of you.

Posted by: Michele at September 15, 2006 09:35 PM (5VGFA)

9 Soft and tender. My soul is full, thanks to your words.

Posted by: Dana at September 17, 2006 12:43 AM (WXRT4)

10 Just beautiful. And I believe you will see them all someday.

Posted by: kenju at September 17, 2006 03:46 AM (2+7OT)

11 Words are so powerful sometimes. Thinking of you.

Posted by: Donna at September 18, 2006 12:21 AM (Aanzg)

12 Happy Birthday kids.....Momma is gonna watch over you... Helan I think you are one of the most sane people I know... Yes you have problems and issues... you are facing them square on.. Dallas Sabres Hockey stick in hand and a blind ref. You grieve for what could have been.. and hope for what might yet be... and enjoy what you have now... and beat back the stress of life. Keep swinging Larry Ps The Serenity companion is very interesting (even if I don't always agree but the Serenity / Trek crossover piece is a hoot) and the graphic novel looks amazing.

Posted by: LarryConley at September 19, 2006 01:47 AM (xqS37)

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