It's the 27th of January.

The 27th.

Important for any number of reasons, unimportant for any other number of reasons, but to me, the 27th rings of a memory to me. A big one, a life-changing one.

It's three years today that I sat in my upstairs bathroom, the one with the yellow wallpaper patterned with white roses, and tried to kill myself.

It seems a lifetime ago, and I guess it was. I look back on that event and watch it as though seeing a movie, a plastic Baskin-Robbins spoon in my mouth as I scoop chocolate chocolate-chip out of a paper cup, watching the scene of my breakdown unfold in front of my eyes like a movie. I don't remember much of my movie, I remember more the feel of a plastic spoon in my mouth, the edge of the doorway pressing into the curve of my shoulder, one leg folded over the other in my casual stance of watching myself break down.

Disassociation is a blessing and a curse.

I don't remember much of that event, but I do remember the hospital afterwards. I remember the feel of the hard linoleum floor, the bars on the windows, the cries from the rooms. Institutions make the crazy even crazier. I was there too long, and inside myself too much.

It all started off the longest road yet. It was time I stopped running and hiding inside of myself and started to accept the fact that I was seriously fucked up, that I had to finally deal with things that were buried deep inside of me, things I was pretending were gone but never really left. So I opened my mouth and started talking. I went to a counselor while I waited to be allocated to a psychotherapist.

When I got my psychotherapist I started to breathe.

I started to talk, and I could no longer pretend I wasn't so fundamentally fucked up that giving up wasn't a choice.

Because giving up isn't a choice.

When I moved to England I lost that psychotherapist, but in many ways I think I gained a better one.

Three years after taking a bottle of pills and playing Fun Bob with a razor, I am more alive than I have ever been in my entire life. Work isn't my world, my family foundations have radically changed, I love a million tiny things in my life and a few great big ones, and I have a man who, although he maybe doesn't always handle some of my more painful issues very well, handles the rest of the package of schizoids and worries, quirks and traits better than anyone in the world. The chick that I am today is not the same chick that tried to kill herself.

The years of trying to kill myself are overwith. I am so far from perfect it makes me cringe, but I am worth more than that. Everyone is worth more than that. We are all worth more than a bottle of pills and a razor on a cold winter's night.

I may still have some issues, and I am definitely a bit bizarre (after returning from yoga I spent Thursday night talking with a poor Spanish accent and carrying Mumin around, pointing her in Angus' direction and saying (badly) "Say hello to my little friend!". I'm pretty sure normal people don't do that.) But my crazy has a base, it has a root. My crazy has an end. My crazy may never go away, but at least I can talk about it now.

I'm sticking it out. Life now on the thin wedge is way more alive than it has ever been, hard times and all (infertility! My One Person's up the duff! I have a job I hate! I still can't fucking do natarajasana (the cosmic dancer pose)! But life? She is more amazing than it has ever been, suck parts, great parts, hard parts.

So I survived trying to top myself.

In the big game of life I got the cookie.

Here's to three years of life, babes.

Same time next year, yeah?

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:47 AM | Comments (31) | Add Comment
Post contains 714 words, total size 4 kb.

1 I'll be there with the champers my dear.

Posted by: stinkerbell at January 27, 2006 10:16 AM (QcMkT)

2 I am very glad you are here three years later to write this post, and I will be here for the next one too

Posted by: justme at January 27, 2006 10:45 AM (hrKtk)

3 glad you stuck around. I think it's important to recognize milestones like this. Hope your next three years are rewarding, successful, healthy and full of all the love you could ever need.

Posted by: wn at January 27, 2006 01:27 PM (zh/oU)

4 I'm so glad you stuck it out long enough to discover that there is a lot of beauty in the world still for you. I'm especially glad, and a little envious, that you found your mate. Here's hoping that the next 3 years bring even more into your life. Remember that "craziness" is oftentimes a symptom of genuis. *grin*

Posted by: dee at January 27, 2006 01:39 PM (ouB8x)

5 Here, here....I'll toast to that. Life is an amazing ride-not without its ups and downs-but that is what makes it so wonderful. Glad you are here to celebrate it, and same time next year sounds grand.

Posted by: Teresa at January 27, 2006 01:50 PM (zf0DB)

6 Oh honey, if talking in accents and harrassing the pets means you're crazy, then both my husband and I should be locked up.

Posted by: donna at January 27, 2006 01:58 PM (jESx6)

7 Ya know, my brother's best friend use to go around saying the same phrase "Say Hello tmy Little friend!" He's a bit odd too but it's one of the things we love about him. I started reading your blog shortly after that fateful event in your life and I can say that it's been a beautiful thing watching you learn and grow from that experience. You've been so wonderfully "real" in all of your posts it's a compulsion to keep coming back.

Posted by: Jadewolff at January 27, 2006 02:07 PM (75szC)

8 Here's to next year indeed! It probably goes without saying, but I'm so glad that, at this, you proved to be an abject failure. So glad. Love you!

Posted by: RP at January 27, 2006 03:03 PM (LlPKh)

9 I always find your posts interesting. Keep enduring. I think you're beautiful!

Posted by: Lolly at January 27, 2006 03:26 PM (NpvNn)

10 Keep on truckin, babe. We're all so happy to have you in our lives, even if it's only through beautifully written words on a computer screen.

Posted by: amy t. at January 27, 2006 03:30 PM (zPssd)

11 Helen, you are indeed a beautiful person...Cheers!

Posted by: Gill at January 27, 2006 03:33 PM (YjI2K)

12 glad you made it and that you're starting to go a little easier on yourself. no one's perfect, so why try to attain it or beat yourself up if you don't? that's not crazy (the cat thing) - that's called entertaining yourself! my husband is always making up voices and doing silly things. it's one of the reasons i love him. silly is fun. embrace "teh crazy!"

Posted by: becky at January 27, 2006 04:12 PM (jv5jW)

13 I'm so glad you didn't succeed, Helen. We'd have lost a bright light from the world if you had. Happy "you're still amongst the living" day...We all have our little anniversaries, and I'm glad, on this one, that you can count up all your blessings and be glad of your life.

Posted by: trouble at January 27, 2006 04:50 PM (j2vfb)

14 Speaking of crazy - I had a dream about you last night. I dreamt that you came to visit me and you brought your brother along. (Brother? lol) He looked like Jin from Lost and he was trying to look up my skirt on an escalator. Then somehow he turned into my fiance and you were walking down the aisle with me. You were yelling at me and telling me I was weird for having buttercups in my bouquet. I'm sure glad you're around, Helen. It makes me feel good to know that there's someone like you in the world.

Posted by: Lindsay at January 27, 2006 05:55 PM (I9l3I)

15 Congrats, sweetie! Here's to Life with all it ups and downs!

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 27, 2006 06:29 PM (uI/79)

16 Here's to you. I'm glad you survived trying to top yourself.

Posted by: LT at January 27, 2006 06:39 PM (SfL0h)

17 Here's to you... and your strength. You amaze me Helen.

Posted by: April at January 27, 2006 07:14 PM (MSB13)

18 You are amazing. I hope with all my heart that you get to be an amazing mother too, very soon.

Posted by: Polichick at January 27, 2006 08:30 PM (vXJB0)

19 *cheers* And yes, only crazy people do that with their cats. I speak from experience.

Posted by: Dana at January 27, 2006 10:54 PM (b7OKi)

20 Yellow wallpaper? Have you ever read that book?

Posted by: Orodemniades at January 27, 2006 11:00 PM (Bd74n)

21 Helen, no one is perfect or even close. You are so good at what you do; so good a writer, and I am sure so good at many more things. I am immensely happy that you did not succeed at suicide. The world would be much less interesting without you.

Posted by: kenju at January 27, 2006 11:49 PM (2+7OT)

22 To another year, Helen. I'll be here next year, waiting to read about your 4th year.

Posted by: B at January 28, 2006 01:05 AM (EolI8)

23 The lucky one is Angus. He owes you a present.

Posted by: iowaslovak at January 28, 2006 01:52 AM (U3sRl)

24 "and I am definitely a bit bizarre" but look at this way...by being a bit bizare, you're making the world/life much more interesting. (I tell people this all the time!)

Posted by: Suz at January 28, 2006 06:32 AM (AW/a0)

25 Congratulations on being so alive. I am so glad you are here, and so looking forward to what the next year will bring for you and your amazing world...!

Posted by: Elizabeth at January 28, 2006 06:24 PM (ceeh7)

26 The fact that you are celebrating this day is testament enough to how far you have come! Congratulations on your success!

Posted by: sophie at January 28, 2006 10:01 PM (yZwDD)

27 Congratulations, Helen, on this very special anniversary. I hope this new life you've been living for the past three years brings you all the wonderful things you want and deserve.

Posted by: Amanda at January 29, 2006 03:37 AM (IkWgY)

28 This is a beautiful anniversary, Helen. Just think of all of the amazing things that have happened in those three years. Cool, huh? I'm pouring a cup of coffee (since it's only 8:30 a.m. here in Minnesota) in your honor. To the fabulous Helen! You are such a special and wonderful woman, from a purely selfish reader's point of view, I am so glad you have survived and thrived for these three years.

Posted by: Dasha at January 29, 2006 02:27 PM (iwajf)

29 Helen, I am so happy you have been here for nearly 3 years. I'm sending you tons of hugs from me and our kitties and dogs and horses here in Leavenworth, KS. I'm thrilled you are with your true love and I'm positive that some day soon, you will have a beautious baby in your tummy, then in your arms.

Posted by: Beth at January 29, 2006 03:16 PM (9FPYz)

30 Hello and greetings. A very happy birthday to you. I'm glad you have survived those 3 years. Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work, to play and to look up at the stars. By the way, please add yourself to my Frappr Map. It is located on the right side of my blog. Thanks

Posted by: Friday's Child at January 29, 2006 03:17 PM (E/eFk)

31 I'm so glad you can't be good at everything, Helen.

Posted by: Jocelyn at January 29, 2006 07:54 PM (jkRb/)

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