UTI time aside, sometimes I have been waking up feeling this enormous sense of light and possibility (the UTI time was pockmarked by extreme irritability, to the extent that I made 'snarky' look like something for kindergarteners. Luckily my mouth-brain connection is largely disconnected (except under times of alcohol duress) and thus my snarkiness went hidden.) On Tuesday I woke up with a bit of a hangover-y feeling, a side effect I'm getting from the antibiotics, but underneath that was an enormous sense of happiness.

I don't know why it was.

But it was there, and it was enough for me.

We went to the gym to workout (we've left it a bit last minute, but both Angus and I have stepped up our exercise routines, so we're going almost daily and I'm doing more than just yoga three times a week.) While tripping along on the treadmill, I look out the window and see a small shower of snowflakes making their way down, coating everything with a Teflon layer of white. The news bleated on all the channels, and I watched articles about Wembley Stadium, bird flu, and China's fattest cat (which eats 6 pounds of pork a day. I can't even visualize what 6 pounds of pork looks like, let alone as a daily supplement.)

And I feel good.

I'm hating the exercise, but I feel good.

I head to the train station, as it's a London therapy day. In the afternoon I'm meeting my Aussie friend for lunch, and then I have a meeting with a senior manager at 5. Dressed down in jeans and bearing an 'I'm going on holiday soon' attitude, I plug the iPod in and, nursing a cup of train station coffee, I play Peter Gabriel's San Jacinto on top volume.

And I'm smiling.

I'm feeling those nagging, tingling, oh-my-God-I-want-toast PMS early warning symbols, but I feel good. We have three different to-do lists as we start planning our move from our current rental into our new house (among the list-to rip out all of the goddamn carpet in the new house, especially the carpet in the bathroom. It's an unique English curiosity that the majority of bathrooms are carpeted. Carpeted bathrooms-does it get much more squicky than that? Can you imagine a carpeted bathroom in a germ-a-phobe's house? Nope, not interested either.) but I don't feel stressed'¦I feel excited. We're been scouring reclamation yards for things for the new house, and have spotted a vintage church pew that we're going to put in the hallway. I've been thinking about paint colors for my study, the study where I'll have the frog desk lamp (Valentine's gift from the boy from my new favorite store Octopus), my Family Guy and Rosie the Riveter action figures, and more toys than you can imagine.

It feels so good.

On top of that there are a million things to do-when we return my passport needs more pages added, as it's already full. Work is ramping up to get crazy again, just when it has gotten calm. Best of all, we get to find a dog that wants to be part of the family.

We'd had a family dinner on Sunday with Angus' whole family in East Grinstead. It was a good time, they'd served up an enormous curry lunch, and I found that I am being treated like-and, in fact, feel like-I'm a part of the family. Nieces come and go off my lap, my handbag is more exciting than Mary Poppins', and it's all very easy-going, to the point where Angus' mum and stepfather just gave me three antique camera (two of them pre-war and one from the 1950's) that they had-they didn't want them anymore, did I want them? (Umm...YES, YES I WANT THEM.)

Before we went there, we stopped at the RSPCA in Godstone again. Once more, I'm thrilled that about half of the dogs have found homes. We walked through the hallways to check out all the babies (with me trying to pet each and every one of them), and Angus felt partial with a liver-spotted Dalmatian. Myself, I'm not so keen on Dalmatians, so I kept walking. There, in one of the cages further down, was a black dog whose legs were absolutely covered in mud. He (I think it was a he, I didn't ask him as it seemed intrusive, and his card on the cage with his details was missing) was a large and rather shaggy dog with bright brown eyes. He looked up at me and I knelt down beside his cage, where he then whimpered and put his head to the wire. I reached my fingers in (a no-no) and scratched him, and he kept turning his head to allow better access.

I love him.

In my heart, it's a race between him and Reggie, although at least Reggie is in a no-kill shelter (albeit, he's still in a shelter). There's still Battersea to visit as well, as we really want a dog that has grim prospects to have a home with us, because we all deserve a second chance. But the shaggy black dog's details were missing, so I have no idea if cat is his favorite meal, if he's already taken, if he's aggressive with children'¦I'm hoping Angus will take us back there this Saturday. I really want to see this dog again.

At night when I dream there are dogs amongst the Kafka.

And again, I feel hopeful.

Life is maybe far from perfect-the utter divide between me and my family wages on, with no resolution nor any indication that either side is interested in reconciliation any time soon. But I am growing my own family, composed of friends that I love and care about, and maybe that's what family is about. Fertility issues are still at the fore, which is a topic for my other site. I have to deal with the US Embassy for my passport and that's usually not a good thing. My therapist tells me that we are reaching the first of the hard parts of my therapy, which doesn't sound like a walk in the park and I am struggling with some things inside of myself and in life in general. Starbucks has stopped offering the gingerbread latte (those fucks). I am severely stressed about getting to the airports early on all of our various flights for our holiday, and am also pretty stressed about the long flights when we fly back home (about 30 hours worth of flights). I also want the kids to have a great time, and we have booked the holiday solid with various activities-swimming with dolphins, swimming with seals, scuba lessons, two days stay at a working New Zealand farm.

I wonder if life can be like this, a scraping of that you keep under the fingernail, a sight that has the texture of roses that you try to keep in your peripheral vision. Sometimes, I feel like my emotions are newborn, and it takes all I have to figure out what's inside of me and what it all means. In the grand scheme of living inside my skin, I am nearly 32 years old but I still feel every single day that there is something new to hold on to, something I have to learn, somewhere I am trying to be. And through it all, if I can keep the things in the left and right of my vision, if I can remember the sycamore leaves, the feel of wire and dog fur, the scent of marshmallow body lotion, then maybe I'll get to where I need to be. I'm not remotely close to the finish line, but at least I am in the race.

But I am feeling'¦positive.

It's the strangest feeling.

I wish I could bottle it, and dab it behind my ears from time to time.

-H.

PS-how could the Olympic coach cut Cammie Granato? Is he MAD? Good luck to the USA hockey team, I'll love you always, and if anyone can explain both A) the attraction and B) the rules in how to play curling'¦nah, never mind, don't bother. It's not very interesting and anyway the UK curling team is out of the running (they also were very horsey-faced, whereas the American women's curling team? Jesus H. they were cute cheerleader types.)

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:31 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 1399 words, total size 8 kb.

1 I don't understand most of curling either. Yet, every damn time it comes on, I find myself watching, occasionally yelling "Broom! Broom, damn it!" for the sheer fun of it.

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at February 22, 2006 09:45 AM (qkHVe)

2 could you maybe have 2 dogs? since you have a big yard? then you wouldnt have to choose between them, and they could keep each other company during the long hours that you're gone, since you both work so much.. just a thought.

Posted by: woof at February 22, 2006 04:25 PM (4dWnl)

3 Broom broom... so that's what they're yelling! I admit, I completely don't understand the attraction, but I am sucked in every time its on. I've found that I can only watch the women's curling though because all the men I saw looked like they belonged playing the villians in 24 or something. Creepy.

Posted by: Erin at February 22, 2006 04:26 PM (zw8QA)

4 Wow, it's really quiet in here today. It's been labelled a Suck Post Day in our house.

Posted by: Helen at February 22, 2006 05:27 PM (9aqMI)

5 There are no posts that are suck posts in my eyes.

Posted by: Paul at February 22, 2006 05:41 PM (wypb3)

6 My inlaws have lavender carpet in the bathroom, apparently the tiles under are wonky...but they're black mold near bit that's near the shower...I keep my mouth shut. PS thanks for the Flickr comment.

Posted by: Juls at February 22, 2006 07:40 PM (f5DPf)

7 I am jealous of your "new" cameras. Is one of them a Leica? If so I am reeeeally jealous. Curling fricken cracks me up. The sweepers are hilarious. The only thing that would make it funnier was if they added some squeeky clean sound effects when the start sweeping. er eee er eee...

Posted by: Lee at February 22, 2006 07:54 PM (PYZOC)

8 I find it amusing that here in the US, during the day your choices are curling or hockey, day in and day out. Everything else is saved and doled out piecemeal in primetime. I hate NBC. But I am enjoying having the Russia/Canada men's game on while I'm working at home and having some yummy palak paneer (out of a box!) Oh, and try the Cinnamon Dolce at Whorebucks. I like it almost as much as the gingerbread.

Posted by: caltechgirl at February 22, 2006 09:16 PM (jOkK0)

9 Starbucks has stopped offering the gingerbread latte (those fucks). I swear, the only thing worse than a Crackberry addiction is a Smackbucks one.

Posted by: Jim at February 22, 2006 10:07 PM (tyQ8y)

10 yay for east grinstead! its my home town, famous for... well... nothing. but now famous for angus' family! glad you're feeling better. UTIs suck.

Posted by: Anna at February 22, 2006 11:53 PM (/whzV)

11 Helen! I couldn't comment the last several times I was here! Kept getting some error screen... swears to self Anywho, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your new house! OMFG! So envious; do you know the size of our "garden" here at our house is the size of a friggin' CORNFLAKE!?!? yeah...think about it. What wonderful times you'll have in your beautiful garden! :-) And sorry about the UTI. So very glad you are better. So relieved that so many dogs found home; double Yay! And more Yays on the dancing and the woodworking. And feeling positive is a *good* thing. Yes, yes it is! :-) Can't understand the curling at all either, sorry to say. But the snowboarding downhill was awesome! :-)

Posted by: Amber at February 23, 2006 12:39 AM (zQE5D)

12 Hey Helen.. Sent you a copy of the recipe for that latte you like

Posted by: Larry at February 23, 2006 01:33 AM (heMHk)

13 Those US Curling girls are from my hometown - as was the men's curling team. With all of that working with me you'd think I'd know SOMETHING about curling (since apparently I'm from the hotbed of American curling) but I don't. How will I ever walk through town without everyone knowing my shame?!

Posted by: Michele at February 27, 2006 04:12 AM (Nd4ll)

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