A group of people, lounging around on a worn out purple velveteen couch, suddenly stop talking.

"Hey, uh, anyone seen Helen?" asks one particularly brash character.

"Last time I saw her was 9 am, and she was popping herbal tranquilizers again," replies one of them in a matter-of-fact voice.

"Oooh, I love those," interjects one of them, an airy-fairy creature known as Helen Hippy. "They work so well. Takes all of your stresses, anxiety, and anger away."

"Yeah." adds Practical Helen. "As long as you don't mind taking drugs to clear your head, then sure. Whatever works."

"But she spends her days in her pajamas," Helen Hippy says nervously, biting her lower lip. "I'm sure that having babies is sending her downhill."

"You're such a fucking pillock," replies Helen the Volatile. "She wore her pajamas every day before the babies were born."

"There's no need to come at me with such negative energy," Helen Hippy says pertly. "I'm only stating that she is in a depression for the past few weeks, that's all."

"The health visitor did say that Helen is suffering from Postnatal Depression," Practical Helen points out. "They'll keep her under observation, then potentially she'll start psychotherapy and anti-depressants in the next few weeks."

"Oh Christ, not another psychotherapist. She's just done all that! Why do it again?" moans Helen the Volatile. "We've chucked thousands of pounds at psychotherapists just to what? Do it all over again?"

"Different problems need different analysis," Practical Helen replies.

"She really needs to get to the source of her troubles," Helen Hippy says, stirring the air with a sparkly pink wand. "As a person, she'll be limited in her development until she can reach her inner child."

"God you're annoying," Helen the Volatile spits.

"Actually, I have to agree. You're pretty annoying," Practical Helen validates.

Helen Hippy sighs and looks at the quiet figure on her left. "Don't you have anything to add, Little Helen?"

Little Helen looks at the people on the couches, discussing Helen's psyche. "Not really. I'm feeling pretty quiet. This morning I watched as Helen went into the babies' room and fed them and just stared out the window. She's feeling pretty overwhelmed these days, and doesn't know how to talk about anything."

Helen Hippy sighs again. "Maybe she needs a nice concoction of wormwood."

"You wanna serve her absynthe, think that'll solve her problems?" Helen the Volatile asks, eyebrows shooting into her hairline.

"Well it's better than anything you've come up with!" shouts Helen Hippy, finally losing her cool. "All you do is shoot all the ideas down, for Chrissakes!"

"I have laundry to do," worries Practical Helen.

"You're always doing fucking laundry," Helen the Volatile shoots back.

"There's a lot to do when you have 4 kids in the house," replies Practical Helen.

"What happened to Careerwoman Helen, she surely would have something to say about all this," wonders Helen the Volatile.

"She buggered off right about the time the twins arrived. Haven't seen her since," replies Practical Helen, biting into an orange.

"Helen's losing her way," Helen Hippy says sadly.

"She's fucking mental," Helen the Volatile agrees.

"I need to do the dishes," Practical Helen says, frowning.

"But she loves her babies," Little Helen says softly. "She really does."

The others look at her. "We know that. It's just she's not herself," replies Helen the Volatile.

They sit there in silence.

A door opens. "I'm not disassociating, you know," comes Helen's voice. "I don't do that anymore. I'm just a bit disjointed. I can't seem to get out of my head."

"You're crazy," Helen the Volatile shouts out. "We saw you this morning, sitting there in the twins' room, feeding them and staring out of the window. You looked fucking nuts, babe."

"I know. I just couldn't take the household for a minute. Melissa and Jeff were playing with the dog, MTV was blaring, people were shouting, things were happening, and I just couldn't cope." came Helen's voice. "I don't know how to handle things right now. Even talking to the health visitor was hard, and I shouldn't find that kind of thing hard."

The Helens sit there in silence.

Then, the sound of a baby crying comes in.

"Nora's screaming," says Practical Helen.

"Master of the Fucking Obvious," replies Helen the Volatile, rolling her eyes. "Nora's been screaming for days."

Helen's voice comes in again. "It's ok. I don't mind. I'll go see to her. I'll see you guys later, we'll try to work this out."

And Helen goes again, as she has been for some time now.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:21 PM | Comments (29) | Add Comment
Post contains 781 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Believe it or not, you really DO have a good handle on things. Great post.

Posted by: ~Easy at November 02, 2007 12:40 PM (IVGWz)

2 Housekeeping with four children around, including caring for newborn twins and a couple of step-teens IS hard. Doing this while still struggling with the aftermaths of a difficult pregnancy and a c-section doesn´t make it any easier. But it will be better. Accept every single shred of help you can get. There´s nothing wrong with that.

Posted by: Lily at November 02, 2007 01:01 PM (Y8m4l)

3 Hoping things get better for you soon.

Posted by: oddybobo at November 02, 2007 01:03 PM (mZfwW)

4 I agree with Easy-you are handling things much better than a lot of moms that I have seen, including myself. And I only had a singleton. Hang in there, and I know I sound like a broken record, but things will smooth out. pssst-glad you talked to the health visitor too; I know how difficult it can be to even talk about it, so yeah, I am proud of you.

Posted by: Teresa at November 02, 2007 01:14 PM (njUvU)

5 Honey, I know. I felt something very similar but I think on a smaller scale as there was only one screaming kid in my house, not two plus two teens. I promise you will feel like you again and it won't always be so overwhelming. I am so so so proud of you for reaching out and getting help. Talk therapy, meds, whatever you need to get through this so you can deal. It will get better. I promise you it will. If I were closer I'd totally be there doing your laundry and cooking you mac and cheese and feeding twins while you rested with your feet up. Just remember you are not Wonder Woman and there is no shame in needing help or letting the laundry go undone for a few days. Or make Jeff and Melissa do it while they watch their MTV. But if you need to sneak off and stare out a window for a while to get some peace and quiet, that's ok too. In short, do what YOU gotta do. Love you.

Posted by: donna at November 02, 2007 01:19 PM (Kco5r)

6 I had a hard enough time with one baby at a time I have no idea how you have actually gotten this far, you are still absolutely amazing!! Once everyone gets back to their normal routine I hope you and the twins will be able to develop your own then it wont be nearly as hard.

Posted by: Steff at November 02, 2007 01:34 PM (5Ox1+)

7 Ditto ~Easy & Donna. I would think neeeding a little quiet time for yourself to think (especially with tweens and newborn twins in the house) is normal. Take a deep deep breath, or a hundred. Thinking of you.

Posted by: Angela at November 02, 2007 01:36 PM (DGWM7)

8 What everyone else said. Not too sounds too cliche-y, but God won't give you anything you can't handle. You're doing a great job! Lots of hugs to you and the babies.

Posted by: Amanda at November 02, 2007 01:40 PM (ay+rD)

9 Sending you virtual hugs today and prayers everyday. You are an amazing woman who is handing things well for so much happening at once. Keep your chin up.

Posted by: Cori at November 02, 2007 01:50 PM (wGDlm)

10 I haven't read any other comments yet so I hope I don't just duplicate something someone posted while I was reading. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when you mentioned just sitting in the room with the babies staring out the window. This is the down-time, alone time, time-out, whatever you want to call it, that I referred to in a comment on an earlier post. This is not only NOT you going mental, this is you instinctively doing the absolute most right thing at the moment. Honest. Taking time to do absolutely nothing but to hold babies and stare out the window is a perfectly normal and necessary thing to do! Please do it as often as possible. Also, I love the way you write when you're working things out. Ah, who'm I kidding? I just love the way you write. I'll quit before I sound like I'm gushing, but you hang in there! I'm glad to see a post from you; I was worried.

Posted by: Lisa at November 02, 2007 01:59 PM (EcHBm)

11 Oh... I hope that didn't sound like I was saying you are not experiencing depression. I would never ever do that. I think the way you approach things head-on and handle them is incredible and proves you're strong and aware of yourself. I don't think I was quite finished with that comment when I posted it and should have spent more time previewing and editing. :-/

Posted by: Lisa at November 02, 2007 02:06 PM (EcHBm)

12 Hugs and love, Helen, I send you lots of both. I just wish I could come and help you look after the household. I honestly don't know what else to say but I'll keep you in my thoughts and send love across the miles to you.

Posted by: Suzie at November 02, 2007 02:08 PM (weSjv)

13 I dunno. You sound pretty normal for a new mother of twins: tired, anxious, full of love and wonder at the people entirely dependent on you, and just wondering how it will all work out. Well, I have faith in you. Your children are luck to have you.

Posted by: physics geek at November 02, 2007 03:02 PM (MT22W)

14 i wish i could send you someone to help around the house and take a bit of the load off of you. instead, i send hugs and much love, because i don't know what will help. thinking of you, kiddo. :*

Posted by: becky at November 02, 2007 03:19 PM (jv5jW)

15 Just laundering clothes for 2 kids is enough to make me wish I had a spring that spewed an endless amount of Tide in my laundry room. My confession is that I use that time in the basement with the washer and the dryer as quiet time away from it all. I don't know how you've been able to do it with what seems like a constant stream of visitors and caring after twins. I think, from what I've read, that you're handling things pretty well. It's not easy admitting you might need help - it's like trying to get someone in there to help you juggle all of the balls when you've been determined to learn how to juggle them all. *hug* Much love.

Posted by: Michele at November 02, 2007 03:19 PM (h1vml)

16 Life is so overwhelming sometimes. Just don't ever forget how much Nick and Nora mean to you, because that motivation can get you into the shower somedays. It makes you keep up when the whole world seems heavy. You're doing great, H...just keep going. (And yes, I know Angus, Melissa, and Jeff mean enough to keep going to...just speaking from my own experience, those relationships are different.)

Posted by: Tracy at November 02, 2007 03:27 PM (zv3bS)

17 I know this is lame and trite but it's just SO true: This will pass. It may be rough and strange now at times but it's going to get easier and better. Hang on to that truth when you're feeling overwhelmed. This isn't a static circumstance at all.

Posted by: The other Amber at November 02, 2007 03:48 PM (zQE5D)

18 Someone else already said it, but this too shall pass. I think it sounds like you are handling things well, even though it may not feel like it. This is really freaking hard thing you are doing - fittinng two babies into an established house, integrating them into the lives of their siblings and figuring out what kind of mom you are. It is only natural that it would be very difficult, H. Thinking good thoughts for you!

Posted by: Kimberly at November 02, 2007 04:10 PM (v57BG)

19 I think that if you can *recognize* what's going on, you're halfway through it. And what everyone else said is true: you DO have a good handle on things and this WILL pass. And you'll look back and marvel at how you did it all. ! Srsly. You are harder on yourself than anyone else. Breathe, baby. Just. Breathe.

Posted by: Margi at November 02, 2007 04:30 PM (wSEpS)

20 you know what? take all the minutes you want to stare out the fucking window. I can't think of a more peaceful place to be than sitting next to those precious babies while they sleep. Love you lots, babe. And you know I mean it.

Posted by: caltechgirl at November 02, 2007 06:30 PM (/vgMZ)

21 Thank you for choosing to share your struggles with us. You articulate things so wonderfully, definitely why I find myself coming to your journal to read. There are some things that you seem to help me understand. Otherwise they would have been left in the haze that's in my head.

Posted by: Liv at November 02, 2007 07:18 PM (HPpbv)

22 First of all, you are an amazing writer. And since I'm not, I can't articulate it better than that. Secondly, I've been where you are. Almost. I didn't have two step kids in the house as well. And I was in that same place, living in my head, having a hard time getting out of it. Overwhelmed, scared, insecure, and so terribly in love with my twins. Every day will get easier. There will be good days, there will be bad days, but you will get through this. It's so terribly hard at the beginning that one can prepare you for it. I never knew I could feel so disjointed in my life. It was like everything I knew and understand was blown out the window by these two miniscule beings coming into our world. Sometimes I wanted to rewind things and make life go back to what I understood and could handle. But that's not an option. So I pushed on, sometimes having fun, sometimes going through the motions. You will get through this haze that is the first 3 months of motherhood. And while you are barely hanging on, know that there are so many people out here that support you. Feel free to lean on us at any given moment. Hugs!

Posted by: Erica at November 02, 2007 08:53 PM (D6tE/)

23 You are wonderful in so many ways. This just proves it. Give yourself some time to breathe... and getting help is hopefully going to be a good thing for you. We all want happiness for you.

Posted by: sue at November 02, 2007 09:56 PM (WbfZD)

24 You are so creative! You are not losing it or anything if you can write like this! Time will cure it.

Posted by: kenju at November 02, 2007 10:41 PM (TiGru)

25 Hang in there darling. With all you overcame to get to this point with the babies you will get thru this too. Hugs!

Posted by: Christina at November 03, 2007 12:01 AM (cu+y1)

26 Hopefully all these nice comments are making you feel a little better. Hang in there and know that you have several people praying for you. I really need to work with my family on an update prayer list.

Posted by: Lukie at November 03, 2007 03:18 PM (WXIEq)

27 There are some things mothers don't tell other mothers b/c even if we did you just can't understand it until you are there. I call it Day 21. Because on Day 21 I totally lost my shit - thought I couldn't handle it and that I wanted to run. But as all of these smart people are telling you - it will pass. If you need medical intervention to get you there then by God do it. Because Nick and Nora are now and even more in the future are going to become the most awesome thing you have ever experienced. Take care woman - we are all rooting for you!

Posted by: Laura at November 04, 2007 01:57 AM (Tv+lu)

28 ((huggs))all the helens. OWW!! godammit Volatile-Helen!! why did you hit me in the eye?? now my wife is going to know I have been hugging strange women in the Internets!!! Shit! where is a steak??

Posted by: j.m at November 04, 2007 04:39 AM (8edqV)

29 Helen, I understand you and Angus being concerned about everything changing. In some respects I consider myself a massive under-achiever. I was in the top 5% of my senior high school class (out of 600) and graduated a good university with higher than a 3.1 gpa. I'm currently programming in an outdated language (RPG) in a dead-end job and have very little expectations placed on me professionally. BUT that's just my job. As you surmised years ago, your job isn't you. It's what you do to support the family. My point is this, while children do rob us of a lot of freedom, money, and vacations, they bring us more joy than those other things ever could. It's all a matter of perspective. I know you & Angus love your children more than words can express, but that you're concerned that your lives (as you knew them) might be over. I presume you don't care for my opinion much due to my Christian and conservative views and my VERY unpopular comment a couple of years ago but hope you'll at least hear me out on this one. We lose a lot when kids are born. Time, money, convenience, and freedom are the biggies. I felt like a big part of my life was over when Angel1 was born. I had just started getting my Masters & PhD in Computer Science and was forced to stop never to go back to it. Would I do it again? Absolutely, and knowing what I know 13 years later, I'd do it with much greater joy. At the time I was losing my dream of being a teaching professor; now I see I was trading that for the greatest calling I could possibly have...being a good dad. The joy I've experienced the last 13 years with Angel1 & 2 and now Angel3 far outweighs anything a PhD and teaching could have brought me. Kenny Chesnee wrote a song called "There Goes My Life". Here are the words, but the tune really enhances the lyrics. I highly encourage listening to it. All he could think about was I'm too young for this. Got my whole life ahead. Hell I'm just a kid myself. How'm I gonna raise one. All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke. So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast. Oh well, those plans are long gone. [Chorus:] And he said, There goes my life. There goes my future, my everything. Might as well kiss it all good-bye. There goes my life....... A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later. That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator. Oh yeah..........he loves that little girl. Momma's waiting to tuck her in, As she fumbles up those stairs. She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear. Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls. [Chorus:] He smiles..... There goes my life. There goes my future, my everything. I love you, daddy good-night. There goes my life. She had that Honda loaded down. With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express. He checked the oil and slammed the hood, said you're good to go. She hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast. [Chorus:] And he cried, There goes my life. There goes my future, my everything. I love you. Baby good-bye. There goes my life. There goes my life. Baby good-bye. I hope you'll pardon/forgive the long (possibly melodramatic) comment, but I've been wanting to encourage you and Angus in this. You guys may still go on vacations and stuff, but I think you'll find that your true joy will be coming from Nick, Nora, Jeff, & Melissa rather than vacations or other material stuff...and I think that's how it should be.

Posted by: Solomon at November 05, 2007 02:07 PM (x+GoF)

Hide Comments | Add Comment