Today I made my way up to London, dredging myself through the station and up the wide streets of the suburbs. Autumn is definitely on its way – summer completely passed us by, and I had to pull my sweater close around me to keep the chill off. Inside I was warm, content with the contents of a large cup of coffee that had been funded by a lucky find of a crumpled £5 on the floor of Waterloo Station. No one was around who could possibly have dropped it, so it found its way into my pocket.

I went to London to see my therapist.

Based on how completely physically exhausted it made me – I had to take a bath and a nap upon getting home and am still so utterly tired now, to say nothing of the hours of contractions it brought on – I think my therapy days are now on hold until well after the babies arrive.

I needed to talk to him about how things were. About Jeff’s visit, which never got any better, but simply alternated between “The old Jeff we know and love” to “The new Jeff we want to throw over the side of the bridge”. Some moments were good – during one of his tantrums I went and got out a puzzle, which I quietly did at the kitchen table until he joined me, and we didn’t talk about anything serious. Some moments were bad – he was abusive, abrasive, and when my Dad and Stepmom called and asked me to say hi from Grandma and Grandpa from them, Jeff – who heretofore had been calling them his Grandma and Grandpa – coldly informed me that they weren’t his grandparents.

The worst of it came during the puzzle, actually. He was being kind of a dick but I ignored it and just tried to be even keel. We talked about the eye surgery his dad had when he was an infant – Angus was born with a wonky eye and it had to be operated on, so although he has vision in both eyes he has no depth perception and he cannot catch things if you throw them at him, because he cannot track them. Jeff too had surgery as an infant – he had a stomach problem that necessitated surgery. We talked about this surgery, and then Jeff said, looking out the window, “Dad’s surgery wasn’t serious. My surgery was serious. I could have died.” He stared off into the distance, and continued. “I wish I had died then. Everything would be easier.”

Whoa.

WHOA.

I went about it calmly, but inside I wanted to call all hands on deck. “Well,” I said snapping a puzzle piece into place in a voice as calm and soothing as a nutcase like me can muster. “It’s true you could have died when you were a baby. But you survived and I’m very glad you did. I know your dad is, too. We would miss you terribly if anything happened to you.”

He looked at me.

I donÂ’t know if I reached him.

When they left, we were emotionally spent. I feel like such a shit for admitting it, but I was kind of glad to see him go, simply because the chaos that surrounded him was unbearable. Sunday we did absolutely nothing, and we needed that recovery time. Angus, I know, is deeply upset by his son's confusion and upset. It's eating him. I can hear it from here. I have many faults. He has many faults. One thing he cannot be faulted with, however, is not being a loving father - when the kids are here he's often so happy it's amazing.

I mention the puzzle surgery conversation to my therapist. “I worry,” I say softly. “I thought that way, too. I thought that way, and look what happened to me.”

“He could turn out the same as you did,” my therapist agreed. “What he said was very serious and indicative of a lot of confusion that’s in his mind. But there is every chance that he could wind up differently, that he doesn’t have to stay in the same pattern.”

I find this hard to believe. It doesn’t compute. When moms go on the poison warpath, the relationships with the dads disappear. Mine did. Angus’ did. In fact, although I love my father massively and he’s a huge part of my life, Angus’ (and his brothers’) relationship with their dad never recovered. They aren’t close, and truly, that ship has sailed. In my mind, it all gets a thousand times worse from here, with Jeff heading towards addictions and obsessions, suicide attempts and self-abuse the likes of which no one can comprehend. He’s already struggling – he has a nervous tick and it’s gotten worse over the past month. His mood swings are powerful. His anger is fierce. Now he believes life would be better without him. I want to stop this, I want to fix it, I know this path and I don't want anyone else to walk it.

“You can’t fix this, Helen,” my therapist says kindly. “You need to provide support to Angus and you need to trust in life, that life will handle things differently.”

“I can’t sit back and watch someone turn out like me,” I reply. “That’s the worst case scenario.”

“Angus’ ex is hurting, and Jeff is going to need a scapegoat for his mother’s pain. The best person for that, I’m afraid, is you. You will probably need to be the bad guy for a while, and let him understand someday that you are not a bad person.”

This I understand. Jeff needs to believe in the infallibility of his parents. He needs to believe that they love and adore him and would never hurt him, because believing otherwise makes for an unstable place. I support this completely. It hurts like hell, but I support it. I hate feeling like the bad person, I hate the lies, the untruths, the drama...but if it helps, if it prevents Jeff from veering down the path I was on, then I'll do it. It's about a father and son. That's all it needs to be about. Comments on Thursday supported being ourselves, being consistent, being a refuge, and that's exactly what we're going to do.

“Only one person can save Jeff,” he continues. “That person is Angus. You and Angus need to provide a calm, consistent household. If Jeff crosses the line, he needs to be punished.”

“If we punish him, he’ll stop coming,” I tell him. It’s true. Jeff is incredibly stubborn like that-it happened once before, we didn't see him for months.

“It's true, he might stop coming to visit,” he replies. “But he needs to think of your home as a place with rules. He will need those rules someday. He needs your home to be a place of rules, of normalcy, and of complete emotional calm and support. In turn, you need to support Angus completely as he works to help his son.”

And this I will do.

I will step back and try to stop fighting the fight. There is no fight. The only thing I can do is love the people involved and to see if I can follow some simple advice - "trust in life".

Whatever that means.

I tell him that Jeff was the cheerleader in my life for the babies. I needed his joy and his excitement, his love for two babies heÂ’d not met yet. He was an uncomplicated kindness to the two most contentious little beings to ever enter my world.

My therapist knows everything there is to know about my past and present, or at least all of the parts that I myself remember. Besides Angus, he's the only person to really see how I don't always have it together, how I fail often and spectacularly, how more than anything I want any little people in my life - whether they're biologically mine or illogically mine - to be safe from any storm.

He smiles kindly at me. "Men have a harder time understanding the depth of emotion a mother has for her child. It's something that we can't understand, as we don't carry the baby. It doesn't mean that fathers don't love their babies, and it doesn't mean that babies who are not always eagerly awaited don't become adored children. It just means that the relationship between a child and a mother - especially in the beginning - is a relationship that already exists, while the fathers take a bit of time to build the relationship. You as the mother have a symbiosis. You, to some extent, know each other. It sounds like Angus is a good father, and he will almost certainly be a good father to the two new babies."

He goes on. "As far as anyone else in your life is concerned, this is the time when you need to start blocking them out and preparing for the babies. Not blocking them out to the point of exclusion, but once the babies arrive most people find it very difficult, if not impossible, to not love them. You may find that people will change their negative views of the babies when they get here."

"I really hope so. It's all so hard, I can't bear knowing that they're coming with all this resentment aimed at them. It's like they don't stand a chance," I reply.

"They do stand a chance," he said. "I hear in you an absolute love and desire to protect them. Jeff needs only one person to save him - Angus. And the babies, at least in the very beginning, need one person to love them. That person is you."

And just like that, the noise drowns away a bit. The anger the Lemonheads have caused people all over Angus' side of the family and my side of the family fades away. It doesn't block Jeff out and remove my worries for him, but I cling to the hope that he'll love them once they're here, that what he faces at home melts a bit to the promised love, support and normalcy we're going to try to give.

And I will be there for the Lemonheads, and I will keep them safe.

For the forseeable future, Angus and I are two parents fighting to protect the children that we love, and I will support him in every way I can.

There's no one else in the world I'd rather try to fight alongside than him.

And now, I think we'll move on.

-H.

*Song lyrics from The Fray's "How to Save a Life".

PS-I got a lovely box from a wonderful benefactor. Amazon didn't have any note of the sender on it so I have no idea who sent the lovely gifts, but I got two fantastic Gro-bags and two perfect books, which I am so happy about. Thank you so much for the gifts. if you meant to remain anonymous then just know how fabulous your timing was and how special the gifts are to me (and once they're here, to the Lemonheads). If you want to let me know who you are, I'd love to send you a thank-you card.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:31 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 1920 words, total size 11 kb.

1 wow. your therapist is wonderful. it sounds like you have a lot more things in perspective. and maybe this will help you stop beating yourself up so much. i will keep hoping that jeff comes around when they're born. big hugs to all of you.

Posted by: becky at August 20, 2007 10:19 PM (HOaDB)

2 Your therapist sounds like such a wonderful, thoughtful man. You are lucky to have him. And this? For the forseeable future, Angus and I are two parents fighting to protect the children that we love, and I will support him in every way I can. There's no one else in the world I'd rather try to fight alongside than him. That's the most important thing there is. EVER. Keep your eye on the prize, sweetie, and hang in there.

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 21, 2007 01:47 AM (IfXtw)

3 Kids are the most self-involved beings on the planet. Even if only you and Angus love them it will be at least 7 years before they realize the other people in their lives are stupid enough not to love them. As long as you guys love them, they wont care. It is so true that actual babies change everything. His family might not accept you any more than they have but these kids will be Angus' also and if they are as "family" as they claim they will come to resent her problem with them. BTW - since you use fake names will you have a contest to let us fake-name the babies? In case you do, Im voting for Nick and Nora.

Posted by: That Girl at August 21, 2007 02:23 AM (s5Uyz)

4 Writing as I'm reading, so please forgive me for any missteps I will undoubtedly make. * I have no relationship with my father as an adult. * I still think it's better than my husband's situation, since his father died tragically when he was 13. * The "pattern" isn't what you think it is; differences can and will be made * True, Jeff is confused and overwhelmed, and each step taken from here to whenever will absolutely affect everything - like a stepped-on butterfly in a prehistoric age. But your awareness will make all the difference. Really. *"Only one person can save Jeff..." - that is Jeff, with love and support from *all* who love him - including the Lemonheads. Uncertainty is natural - love doesn't always come naturally. Unconditional love can really make all the difference in the long run (this last is what I insist on believing for the sake of survival). *"He will need those rules someday. He needs your home to be a place of rules, of normalcy, and of complete emotional calm and support." Those things go hand in hand, although it is hard to keep continuous about it. Easier said than done. *"The only thing I can do is love the people involved and to see if I can follow some simple advice - 'trust in life'." - this is true. This is the path that doesn't get light until steps into darkeness are trodden. Sucks. Truly. *I bet the love for the babies is what brings Jeff back. Hide and watch (as people used to say in Oklahoma when I lived there). *"You may find that people will change their negative views of the babies when they get here." - Exactly what I was hoping he'd get around to saying!!! Yay. :: collapses in relief :: I've been thinking about you alot lately. You will all be fine. Trust in yourself.

Posted by: Lisa at August 21, 2007 02:54 AM (e8V7B)

5 Your therapist sounds like everything good that therapists should be. (Including slightly imperfect, just so as not to cheeve the rest of us off.) More importantly, he seems to have a pretty good grip on what you need to hear. And I know that your relationship with Jeff may not be the best right now, but it may improve someday. And I think it will.

Posted by: B. Durbin at August 21, 2007 04:43 AM (tie24)

6 Is Angus going to tell the swunt what Jeff said? Because maybe, you know, it could shock her into not poisoning his mind against you. Maybe? And I think the first time he sees the babies and you tell them look babies, it's your big brother and he will always take care of you, it will all be fine. And your therapist? Loving that guy hard!

Posted by: Donna at August 21, 2007 08:03 AM (05lvc)

7 Not being wise, I have no words of wisdom to offer. But I did take slight issue with this: “I can’t sit back and watch someone turn out like me” If you mean you during your trobuled times, then that's great. We all want to protect our children, to try and prevent them from making the same stupid mistakes that we made; my children will learn that their father was a great fuckup more often than I care to remember. However, I think that you've turned out pretty great, so don't think that Jeff turning out like you in the long run would be a bad thing. You love the children, worry about them and want desparately to protect. In other words, you are a mom. And a pretty good one, too. Both sets of kids are lucky to have you.

Posted by: physics geek at August 21, 2007 01:42 PM (MT22W)

8 When I got divorced I tried to keep it all amicable for my two small children's sakes. I never ever ever said or did or allowed others to say or do anything that would reflect negatively on my ex husband. When he started dating what turned into his next wife, he started pulling away from the kids. His wife was jealous of our amicable relationship and jealous of the kids. She wanted kids, he didn't. The fact that he was very up front about this from the get-go didn't seem to sink in. At any rate, she turned into a real witch and it got to the point that he didn't spend much time with his kids and even now they are pretty estranged as adults. As much as I kept things on an even keel, my ex was far from perfect (as I've written about on my 'dark' blog) but I knew my children loved him and did everything in my power to keep him involved in their lives. It was as they grew into teens they began forming truths of their own based on their own experiences with him and the new wife. Technically, my husband is you in this scenerio. We married and had two more children (albiet individual births) and he always treated the older kids as his own, but walked that fine line between "dad" and "step-dad". Trust me, kids aren't stupid. It may take awhile, but as long as you continue to be loving and supportive Jeff will come around to see you how you really are. Sorry for getting so long-winded! Whew! btw- great therapist you have!

Posted by: sue at August 21, 2007 01:54 PM (WbfZD)

9 This isn't your fault. It isn't. You have not tried to maliciously hurt Jeff at all; quite the contrary. You are living your own life, Helen, making YOUR choices for you and you have a right to live your life. We only get this one, you know. Despite Angus' kids, despite Angus, and yes, even despite the Lemonheads. Because there may come a time when they are older and more challenging when you might have to choose to live your life for YOU or live it for them, and trust me...hard as it may sound, it's better for everyone when you remain true to yourself. To "trust in life" means, life continues to move on and no one knows what the future will bring. Trust that these painful times will change and probably in directions that will amaze you and make you look back at this time, this "now" and shake your head and smile at your worry. If I were in your situation with Jeff, I would reassure Jeff that no one; not the Lemonheads, not Melissa, nobody on the planet could ever affect your love for him. It very much sounds as if he has it in his head that he is being *replaced* by the twins; that he will no longer have his father's love and to a lesser extent, your love. Trust that once his new siblings arrive, he will feel that they are truly his siblings and part of his blood and this will bring the two of YOU even closer in your joy. Trust in that. Hold on. And remember...this is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong here. There may be other times in your life when you've felt you've done something wrong and you might be right about that but not this time. Don't berate yourself over this time because: You Are Not Doing Anything Wrong Here {{{{hugs}}}}

Posted by: The other Amber at August 21, 2007 02:44 PM (zQE5D)

10 I see your blog is accepting posts again, so maybe I'll give it another try. I already emailed you a post (and received your reply, thank you) but reading some of these comments makes me want to add a little bit more. I've probably stated it here before at least once, but I'm one of the few lucky ones whose parents (and stepparents) were able to remain on decent terms after divorce and remarriage. I know my dad was hurt by my mother years ago, but NEVER did he talk bad about her in us kid's presence. Likewise for my mother. As well as my stepmother. As a matter of fact, when my dad died, my stepmother invited my mother to come to the funeral and stay at her house. I'm sadly aware that such shows of decency are rare this day and age. A few words about my stepmother. I too was somewhat of a Jeff to her, alternating between running to her for affection and freezing her with rejection. I was reacting with a lot of the confusion that Jeff must feel, not quite knowing where to place her in my life in relationship to my mother (who NEVER downgraded her). Admittedly, I was a complete shit to her at times, to the point of earning a few good ass beatings from my dad who would not tolerate any disrespect of her at all. Yet today my relationship is solid with her and I can actually consider her as a true mother figure alongside my bio mother. Hopefully Jeff will get over himself (and hopefully his mother will get over herself too) and one day you'll occupy a place in his heart as an additional mother figure that stuck by him no matter what.

Posted by: diamond dave at August 21, 2007 08:46 PM (7Tcqf)

11 I think your therapists advice sounds very very... right. It just does. I will say I have a 10 year old and I never thought it to be a tough age. I don't look back and think, 'Wow, did 10 ever suck.' But last year my son went through THREE ticks. I took him to our doctor and said, "What is this? Do we have tourette's?" and he said, "Chill. It's normal. Let him work through it." And he did. And although what 'Jeff' is going through is really stressful, I do believe if you all are consistent, it will work its way out, and that tick he has... that is going to go by the wayside too. That age ticks are not uncommon, nor is confusion and internal strife. I just don't remember it. I must've blocked it out. ;-)

Posted by: Bou at August 21, 2007 09:19 PM (fGpp7)

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