I think often of how it would be. I think that's a good thing, that I at least visualize, that I at least try. It comes to me in small moments, with a whiff of talcum and caramel. I can imagine the monitor sqwaking, and I get up and silently pad into the room.

And maybe someday...

I can see pushing my hair over my shoulder and reaching down, the gap neck of my T-shirt pulling low over my collarbone. My mouth is pursed and with a small intake of breath I start to coo. I am tired but not tired, I am calm, I am here.

And in one move, I slide my arm under your head and lift you up. Your skull is cradled in one hand, and with my other I come and circumference your tiny size. I smile and start to bounce slowly, while still talking low, talking soothingly. I start to hum that song, that song I always swore I would sing my child, the one I've practiced a million times in my head.

And maybe someday...

And you will look up at me, your face scrunched up. I will watch the pulse beat in your soft spot, and I will see the round red apple of your cheeks. You will feel solid and soft, a wobble, a gift. Your white onesie has shifted and I soothe you, pat you, inhale you.

When times get rough-and they will get rough, I know they will-I will think back to the times when it was you and I, dancing and singing that song to you, and I will hold it fiercely in my heart. I will remember how much I wanted you. I will not recall the needles, the tears, the fear, because the soft plush of a teddy bear and the quiet silliness of Dr. Seuss will have chased it away.

And maybe someday...

It's not stupid to think like this, I won't believe that, and it's ridiculous but I can't stop crying as I write this. Maybe you and I dancing in the dark never happens, maybe there is no nursery, you are no pocket of perfect warmth waiting for me to pick you up. I choose to believe in you than not, I choose to see you than to look away. You will be mine and I will be yours because that's the way it is. If we can just dance in the quiet night, if we can just get there, I will never leave you, and I will never hurt you. I will dry your eyes and I will sing a lullaby and I will love you more than you could ever be loved by anyone, ever.

Because maybe someday, I'll be a mother.

Until then, I have this dream.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:02 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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