Angus often comes up with winners that make me wish I had a pen in my hand, so that I could scribble them down on the outside of my hand for future reference. Most of the time I think: Yup. I am so blogging that. Other times I think: Eh, they wouldn't believe me if I blogged it anyway. We run the gamut in what we talk about, but I usually know that whatever we discuss will have an angle to it that's 100% pure Angus involved. As a result, conversations in this household tends to be more interesting than conversations that I ever had with all of my exes combined.

Maybe that's what makes for a winning combination in the relationship department.

So here, I offer you the daily chitchat that occurs in my house.

***************************

The other night we were watching My Big Breasts and Me, partly because nothing else was on, and partly because I have some experience on the subject.

One tiny woman is attending a gym in hopes of reducing her rack. Her fitness trainer tells her that exercising, while getting you healthy and a good way of losing weight, cannot "spot check" where you want to hit, and that it may not work for her (I was told the same.) He takes her measurements.

"OK, so you're 60 kilos," he says slowly.

I sit up. "60 kilos? She's only 60 kilos-" that's about 132 pounds - "on that scale? That's impossible. She looks way heavier than me, and pre-pregnancy I was only nearly 68 kilos. She looks like she weighs more than I do, doesn't she? Doesn't she?" I ask Angus.

He looks at me, a deer caught in the headlights. A whimpering sound escapes him. He holds his head in his hands, nervous. "Ummm...what's the right answer here? How do I answer this? I dunno what I'm supposed to say. Heads, I lose, tails, I lose. What do I answer?"

And even though he answered wrong, his angst made me laugh, and he was forgiven.

***************************

We were laying in bed the other night, discussing the house chores that we'd completed that day (this is not what's known as foreplay in our home, in case you were wondering if we get off on Windex or anything like that.)

"I finally addressed the pile of clothes on the bed," I said mournfully. "That fucking Harry Potter didn't come take care of them for me."

"Who's Harry Potter? I thought we decided to not hire outside cleaning help."

I am exasperated. I know Angus hates sci-fi and fantasy, but this is a bit ridiculous. "Harry Potter? The teenage magician? Those books that I read?"

"Oh. Oh yes. Him. Such pointless material."

"And yet the books are one of the record-breaking book sales in history," I mutter.

"I tried to follow the story, but after all the white horses and and volcanoes, it did my head in. I watched one hour of the film and had to go do something else," he said.

"Honey, that's Tolkein you're thinking of," I say gently.

"Was he in the book too? Is that Dumbledick, or Tumblemore, or whatever his name is?"

GOD.

"Tolkein wrote The Lord of the Rings triology. You're getting them confused."

"Oh right." Then - "So he was in the book?"

I decide to take the path most travelled. "Yes, honey. Tolkein is in the Harry Potter books. He's the one with the wand."

***************************

Later, we were talking about a BBC programme we watched (seriously, we live life on the edge in our house.) The show was called Supergrass, and before you get your hopes up, it wasn't about the world's fastest growing turf, nor was it about the marijuana that you've been dreaming of all your life. The programme was about a series of police informants that the police force here in England used in the 70's and 80's.

"Supergrass is a stupid term for a snitch," I say out loud.

Angus laughs. "Why are you calling them snitches?" he asks.

I am confused. "Well, that's what they are. Snitches."

"Not over here, babe. A grass is someone that rats you out," he says.

"Yeah, I know. It's the same in the States, only I think it's a bit of an old-fashioned Mafia term."

"Yeah, well, a snitch means something else over here. 'Snitch' means a woman's body parts."

"The good parts or the naughty parts?"

"The naughty parts."

I think about this. "Seems weird then that an Englishwoman would write books in which her character is always chasing a Golden Snitch."

"Who does that?" comes the query.

"Harry Potter," I reply.

"Christ, not that guy again."

***************************

Sunday the rain came down in sheets of chilled horror. I spent the day catching up on Heroes and Lost, both of which were saved on the satelite hard drive.

"Babe?" comes the call from the study, where Angus has spent the day working on architecture designs, surfing the web for the new camcorder he wants (just in time for the twins), and dicking around on ebay.

"Yeah?" I reply, freezing the screen at the exact moment that Hiro is making a stupid facial expression, which happens more than one would think.

"How badly do you want a table saw?"

"I want a table saw more than I have ever wanted anything in my life, ever," I reply solemnly.

"Excellent. I just won one in ebay."

"Great, honey. What are you going to do with it?" I reply, grinning.

"That's not the important part. What's important is that we now have one."

Well good then. I can sleep well at night knowing that an ebay table saw is in our garage.

***************************

"What time is our flight on Wednesday?" I ask, popping a Ritz cracker into my mouth.

"7:30 am," replies Angus.

"Wow," I saw, just managing to avoid sending a stream of crumbs down my shirt. "We'll have to leave the house early then."

"Your powers of deduction are amazing," comes the reply.

***************************

We leave tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn (there's my deduction in action again) for four days in Iceland (and I'm a lucky enough girl that my boy used his miles to upgrade us to business class).

See you on Monday.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:33 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 1054 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Here's a conversation from OUR household the other day. I was telling Arnie something thrilling about my day and he said, "You know what's really cool about that?" "What, dearest?" I replied enthusiastically. Then he farted. I'm not sure who is worse. Him, for basically saying my day sucked or me for laughing at his gastro-lympics.

Posted by: Lindsay at May 15, 2007 11:21 AM (Gtr4m)

2 What a difference a vowel makes.. down here 'down there' is a Snatch...

Posted by: deeleea at May 15, 2007 12:13 PM (IphB3)

3 OMFG, those were hilarious. Angus is an absolute gem (and I'm not saying that sarcastically!) Have a great time in Iceland.

Posted by: selzach at May 15, 2007 12:14 PM (wiWvH)

4 Snitch-snatch....whatever....that is so funny. I can't believe Angus can't get into Tolkien or Harry Potter. Have a great time in Iceland and take pics!

Posted by: kenju at May 15, 2007 12:26 PM (DBvE5)

5 You guys seem like fun people Last night, our bedtime conversation consisted of me lamenting that in 10 years, I would find myself living in a shack with no running water, riding a bike to work, wearing hemp clothes, and showering only once a week, all because of my hippie husband who wouldn't kill the spider he found in the bathroom this morning.

Posted by: geeky at May 15, 2007 12:30 PM (ziVl9)

6 That first conversation is very much as one similar in our house, only Hubs always gets this look on his face and then says "here's the land mine"... meaning no matter what he says he's doomed. Now you've got me wondering about the "Golden Snitch", too... hmmmm... Have a nice trip and we'll see ya when you get back!

Posted by: sue at May 15, 2007 01:11 PM (WbfZD)

7 I'm stuck on the golden snitch thing, which I didn't know was a Brit word for anything other than the thing Harry chases ... kinda brings a whole new dimension to the books. Does he chase a golden snatch in the UK version of the books? Sorry, just had to ask.

Posted by: Ice Queen at May 15, 2007 01:22 PM (Lyl8J)

8 Yep, that Angus is a keeper-even though he doesn't know his hobbits from his wizards. Have a safe, fun trip in Iceland. I am totally jealous and living vicariously through your travels, so take lots of pictures, 'k? *giggle* Golden Snitch *giggle*

Posted by: Teresa at May 15, 2007 02:38 PM (IVEJa)

9 In defense of Angus, Gandolf at least looks like Dumbledore, right?

Posted by: amy t. at May 15, 2007 02:54 PM (3dOTd)

10 Anytime I ask my Beloved a question like the first one, he cocks one eyebrow and looks at me over his glasses and says: "Bullet in every chamber, honey." Oh. Heh.

Posted by: Margi at May 15, 2007 04:10 PM (E6wcJ)

11 *grin* You guys are too cute. Thanks for letting us peak in...

Posted by: Mia at May 15, 2007 04:28 PM (8yLzc)

12 This: "Harry Potter," I reply. "Christ, not that guy again." BWHA-HA-HA-HA!! I SRSLY LOL'd! Probably because I don't "get" the Harry Potter phenom either. Although I'm a Tolkein fan from 11 years old. As for the "deer in the headlights". Uh-huh. That's what Dan calls, "Don't clip the blue wire! DON'T CLIP THE BLUE WIRE!" You know, from action movies where they're trying to dismantle a bomb. Yeah. It's a lot like that for our men when it comes to asking them about our looks/weight. *laughs again* Too funny, Helen, thank you for the laughs!

Posted by: The other Amber at May 15, 2007 05:24 PM (zQE5D)

13 The Golden Snitch. Heh heh heh heheheheh. (doing my best Beavis imitation) I'll never look at a Harry Potter book or movie the same way again. Playing with his wand and chasing snitches (Hermione's, perhaps?). And my answer to your first question would have been something along the lines of "well, her ass isn't as big as my fat ass". If I'm asked a potential train wreck of a question, I just find a way to derail it before it gets to me.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 15, 2007 08:31 PM (2hGfo)

14 I thought the funniest Angus-ism you've mentioned on the blog was when you guys went to the Jerry Springer musical. Angus saw a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom that said, "This is your Jerry Springer moment", and Angus said it should have read, "This is your Jerry Springer MOVEMENT." That's funny.

Posted by: Solomon at May 16, 2007 01:21 PM (x+GoF)

15 "Christ, not that guy again." I have to confess, Angus is kind of my hero with that one.

Posted by: ilyka at May 17, 2007 02:46 AM (XiVOX)

16 Our conversations tend to go along the power tool route. I am thinking about finding him a t-shirt that says something along the lines of "Whoever dies with the most tools wins." for Father's Day. Hope you guys are having a great and relaxing trip!!

Posted by: Michele at May 17, 2007 05:22 PM (fcaMV)

17 "Christ, not that guy again." Be still my heart. Angus, you've got a friend in North Carolina, should you ever want to make the trip. We can scratch our heads over Harry Potter and his hobbit friends together. If it's true that you also have never seen a Bond or Star Wars flick, we may have been separated at birth, even.

Posted by: Jennifer at May 18, 2007 07:50 PM (jl9h0)

18 I go away for a few months and you get knocked up! Congrats times infinity Helen. I was worried that you would watch Elf so many times you'd wear out the DVD . I am so very happy for you and so glad - you are going to be the best mum ever!

Posted by: That Girl at May 19, 2007 02:45 AM (Mc2V9)

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