The Memorial Dar weekend (we had Monday off here, too) was spent in a flurry of depression over the seriously foul weather (it rained all weekend, complete with gale-force winds and chilly temperatures) and petty arguments over nothing, arguments which cast the house in a gloomy color of mocha. I spent a lot of it hoping to get through the weekend without actually coughing up a lung or forcibly ejecting my uterus out the downward escape hatch, and it seems better today but I remain on the homemade pregnancy approved cough syrup (I do at least sound like a heavy smoker. Or at least I did until I basically spoke in a hazy wheeze last night, but I'm back to heavy smoker sounding.)

There seems to be so much to do, all of it of that level of bullshit that you generally hate doing-phone the bank. Call the doctor. Check on how we're doing on the nursery waiting lists. Ring architects. Book up hotels for our trip to Scotland, all of which seem to be full, and of course when I do finally find one that can take us it's not what was wanted, so apparently I fucked up (again). Work through 1,000 lines of Microsoft Excel in hopes of getting my project moving forward, instead of stalled in technical hell. I'm so endlessly frustrated by thoughts of what I want to write, but which only come to life in brain occasionally, trapped by my laziness and lack of confidence. My "to-do" list is exhausting, and that's without picking up the phone.

That said, I've been striking things off the list so far today. It feels good to get things done (prescription filled, one nursery has a bit of hope, architect will be by tomorrow for site survery, Excel spreadsheet done, I've completely fucking bored you now, etc. But at least it's getting better.

Yesterday the sky was dark and hostile. The wind was bitterly cold and violent-the hammock had gone for a sail across the back garden, the upbeat stripes muddied by the mud-smeared turf. The darkness matched my thoughts.

I walk up to Angus, who is working away at Turbo CAD on the downstairs PC.

"I'm not a very good person," I say quietly.

"Why's that?" he asks looking up at me.

I have been thinking about this. "There's someone I'm supposed to love, but I don't. I used to. Now I don't love them anymore. If I'm supposed to love them and I don't, then that makes me a bad person."

I really don't love someone anymore, it's not me with a knee jerk reaction, it's not me re-visiting the monochrome of my mental illness salad days. I've thought about it and thought about it in my quiet and difficult short bus way of thinking that I have these days. The inside of me is better, so much better I don't even recognize who I used to be, but part of that better means that I have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what it is I really feel about something.

I have people in my life that I love greatly, that I love so much I don't like to imagine them not being around. This isn't to say that I would die without them, because I don't think healthy love is supposed to work like that. It just means that life without them is more bleak than I think I know how to bear, and I know bleak. Bleak owes me money.

I have people in my life that I like and enjoy. When I'm in their company, I have a great time. I may not think about them all the time and I may not see them often, but they are a happy part of my sidelines, and I like to have them there.

I have people in my life that I don't like. I'd get rid of them, but they're largely in my professional life, and you can't really detach yourself from that. If you work, chances are that there will be someone you clash with.

I have people that I'm estranged from, but still love (how can one not?). This list is short but it exists. Maybe you're thinking I should make up with them and move on, but the estrangement is enforced from both sides-sometimes we all need a little sandbagging to keep our castles from being breached. Some estrangement is necessary for the time being, and although it's sad, it's simply the way it is.

I have a few people in my life that I loathe and detest. This might be bad karma. This might be not a good way of working. It might be best that I don't go near these people or have anything to do with them, and generally speaking, I usually don't have anything to do with them. These people make my ulcer explode and my temper rise. I cannot resist a challenge from them. I don't do well even thinking about them.

And then I find this new category, this new space. Someone from one of my lists has fallen, and fallen hard. I don't love them anymore. It's as easy and as complicated as that. I don't wish them and their family any ill, I genuinely hope life goes for them the way it's supposed to go. I just don't love them anymore, and I don't want to see them again.

This makes me a bad person. I'm supposed to love this person. I used to love this person. This isn't the bitterness talking, something inside of me has shifted. Should I buck the nature of responsibility? Should I say to myself: Gee, you awful bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? How could you not love that person? What kind of complete waste of human material are you?

Or should I just say: Yeah, you don't love them anymore. Maybe that could be changed or maybe this is just a part of life, only one of those parts that no one talks about anymore? People stop loving people in their lives, even ones they should continue to care about. It happens. It's not something to celebrate, maybe, but it happens.

Angus looks at me. "That person hasn't behaved very well," he says softly. "It doesn't make you a bad person."

But there are places where the darkness seeps that no one can get to.

Not even me.

So I'll write my documents and make my phone calls and listen to my iPod and I will watch the stormclouds roll in over the backgarden and I will know that they rain for me, and for all that I've dried up inside of myself.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:46 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 1132 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Oh, dear. I think you are a good person, H. And I've met enough bad ones over the years that I feel as if I can tell the difference.

Posted by: RP at May 29, 2007 01:35 PM (op1yW)

2 It's not Solomon is it? : ) Just kidding. If Angus is right, and that person has behaved badly, maybe one day he/she will behave well and make loving them do-able again. You know I love relationship restoration, but I also understand we can't be best friends with everyone. If it's someone you feel like you're supposed to love or would like to love, I hope some day you'll love them again. Speaking of "best friends", whatever happened to "Best Friend"? I haven't seen him comment in a long, long time.

Posted by: Solomon at May 29, 2007 01:36 PM (al5Ou)

3 He's right though, you know. Not loving someone anymore doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you're not inviting them into that part of your heart anymore. It's okay, it's healthy, and it's probably more productive than allowing them to trample all over the most delicate parts of your soul. I don't even know who this person is, but it appears that this is a step in healing for you, so good for you. Progress. Not a bad person. Honest.

Posted by: Lisa at May 29, 2007 01:36 PM (ELUjU)

4 This is the one part of "getting better" that I was not prepared for. There was a time when I thought I would always be sad inside, always having to force myself to feel happiness-that it would not ever be genuine. But things began to change, and I became stronger and more secure in myself-I set boundries and made people respect them. I was healing, and like you said I do not even recognize myself at times. Now the issues I need to sort through is how do I deal with those who are no longer good for me-the ones who bring me down, make me sad, angry-whatever? The scariest thing? How some people that I onced thought I enjoyed-maybe even loved-I can not fucking stand anymore. I was not prepared for this, and it is a whole new struggle. I am right there with ya babe-we can get through this, we have come to far to even look back. That being said, the good thing for both of us is we still love our significant others. In fact for me (and I suppose for you as well)it has made our relationship stronger. I guess things could be worse, although even when the therapist tells me things of this sort it is sometimes just cold comfort. You are so much stronger now, and I love the 'new' Helen. Progress can be a bitch, but hell, it is necessary.

Posted by: Teresa at May 29, 2007 02:48 PM (IGZy3)

5 It is all part of natural progression of life... it doesn't make you a bad person one little smidge. Just makes you human.

Posted by: sue at May 29, 2007 02:50 PM (WbfZD)

6 You're not bad. It happens. When I cut loose from my ex and did some major emotional changes, I couldn't do it with some of the people in my life at that time. They were very bad for my mental/emotional health. So I cut them loose too. Emotions fade and one day, you are surprised to find you just don't care anymore. You're not "bad"; you're just protecting yourself from more hurt.

Posted by: The other Amber at May 29, 2007 03:20 PM (zQE5D)

7 Where is it written that you are "supposed" to love anyone? Even if they scar you and continually hurt you? Where is it written? No where. Even the BIBLE says "honor" thy father and mother. It doesn't say "keep putting up with their crap and let them hurt you endlessly by loving them." We're not from the same generation, dearheart, but it seems we were both brought up on the Rainbow School of Hopes and Dreams where every parent loves their children and all works out in the end. You know what? Sometimes, it just doesn't. And if this person was a hot stove, you wouldn't keep reaching out and getting burned, would you? I know. You would. Until you couldn't take any more. CONGRATULATIONS on making it to that point! You always will be stronger than you realize. This includes cutting caustic people out of your life. I just wish you realized that that does not make you bad - it makes you a survivor. A winner. {{{{ hugs }}}}

Posted by: Margi at May 29, 2007 03:44 PM (BYQiX)

8 Maybe it's not JUST a matter of behaving badly. Maybe it's a matter of you becoming more and more healthy. Maybe, when you/me/the collective universe discovers that no matter what WE do, how WE behave, there are still some people from whom we can never, ever, ever expect any different results. And it is then that the feeling that kept us pursuing the one we "used to love"--begins to dry up--to become a final effort to save ourselves. Until eventually, the husk of that love just blows wistfully away until gone. And we are a little wiser, maybe, and maybe, just a little more healed.

Posted by: Deborah at May 29, 2007 08:08 PM (GOFVL)

9 Sometimes the best thing you can do for misbehaving friends or family members is just let them go. Wish them the best, but don't enable their misbehavior or be their doormat anymore. Especially if they've become toxic to your well-being, or your own personal relationships. You've come way too far for others to drag you down to their level, and you are presently occupied with taking care of yourself and a pair of Lemonheads, as any good mom-to-be should. That doesn't make you a bad person, just looking out for your own best interests.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 29, 2007 09:28 PM (qg3zO)

10 Ya know, I completely understand what you are saying lol. I don't think it makes you a bad person. Because if it does, then I am rotten.

Posted by: justme at May 29, 2007 10:59 PM (PLhEU)

11 I have a cousin. She married a very bad man, did crack on a regular basis, demanded much emotionally and monetarily from our family. Finally, after much pain and sorrow, her fellow cousins, myself included, cut her off. We had to, for our own sakes. Eventually, our cousin dumped the bastard, got clean, remarried to someone who's a little shy around us but who is a very good man at heart, gave birth to a mildly ADD but also incredibly bright son, and is slowly becoming accepted again by her cousins, myself included. Not easy at all, but sometimes, you do what you have to until they do what they have to. My two bits...

Posted by: palamedes at May 29, 2007 11:47 PM (jdXw+)

12 Just like someone who's been through the mill to take the hit on themselves for the actions of others. I am that girl too. Or sometimes I am (still). This is not a reflection on your goodness or badness, just your sense of self-preservation kicking in. *hugs*

Posted by: Donna at May 30, 2007 01:33 AM (lQSbL)

13 I think letting go of some people can actually work out best for everyone in the long run. Now if I could just learn to say no..... PS I might be needing some advice about getting rid of a manky old fishpond!

Posted by: SuperSarah at May 30, 2007 08:31 AM (udcGR)

14 I've gone through something similar...and yet, I am still a good person. And so are you, Helen.

Posted by: Mia at May 30, 2007 09:51 PM (8yLzc)

15 I had a friend in high school who anguished about how he felt about his sister. I finally told him, "She's your sister, you have to love her... but you don't have to *like* her very much." I was speaking in clichés— but it was, after all, high school. But you're an adult, so you know (or should hear) the better answer, which is that love is built on trust, and a lack of trust can kill it dead. If somebody is at that level in your life, then it's a miracle that you still wish them well, and you shouldn't feel bad because a one-sided bridge is doomed to fail. Clichés again...

Posted by: B. Durbin at June 01, 2007 05:01 AM (tie24)

Hide Comments | Add Comment