SEX.

(Bet that got your attention, yes?)

You probably expected to check in on this site and read about either

A) me feeling mental

or

B) me gushing about babies

and both are still correct, but I have other things going on as well.

Angus and I are a very affectionate couple in the bedroom and always have been (not so much with the public displays of affection though. We're not big hand-holders really). While I wouldn't say that sex was the cornerstone of our relationship, I will say that it is one of the substances used in the walls of our home (or some other building-related metaphor that implies "integral part of daily life". I'm a little tired, so my metaphor skills are a bit off just now. You can make the leap there, I'm sure you can.) It's one of the areas of our life where we are open and honest and have always tried to be ourselves in.

Enter that time in a woman's life where the sex life pretty much goes out the window for a short while.

I was one of those pregnant women that was always in the mood. Always. From the first trimester to the last, I was up for it. The problem was as I grew our options shrunk. Once my stomach got really large, not only was it physically impossible to do nearly every position, but if you so much as squeezed my stomach just a little I would be riding the Vomit Coaster. Our sex life was reduced to one position and due to the hormones taking control of various factors of my body, we really couldn't go for very long.

Cue exit of stomach tenants, and a reassessment was needed.

After a C-section we were advised to abstain from the monkey bars for 3 weeks. I did ask the midwife about this, and consequently got the questions about birth control, as just after giving birth women are at their most fertile. I told the midwife birth control wasn't a problem. She persisted. I grinned and explained that unless I checked my driver's license and it suddently said "Last name: Mary, First name: Virgin" then it wasn't a problem, and I held up one of my little IVF babies and explained why I wasn't worried. We got the all-clear at the 3 week mark.

So 3 weeks then. It was the longest we had been without touching each other in that way since we got together. We had last bumped uglies on the morning of the 2nd of October, the day before the babies arrived.

(What? It's not like we knew they were coming within 36 hours when we went for it that morning. Like I said, I was one of those very-on pregnant women. That, and I knew that sex could trigger labor, and I was in such bad shape I was willing to take those odds.)

So when we hit 3 weeks to the day since my Cesaerean, we got back in the saddle again.

I have to confess - I was pretty nervous. What if it didn't feel the same? I know the babies had come out via the sunroof, but still-could something have changed? Would it feel like it always had? Would he mind the fact that I still had to wear a sports bra, lest I lactate all over him? And what about my body?

Ah yes, my body. My body, my body, my bane of my existence. For my entire life I've been at war with how I look. Too fat, too round, too tall, too long legs, too round face...I have an arsenal of criticisms waiting for me.

Until now.

This is going to sound very, very strange, but here it is - I may be depressed. I may be upset. I may not be myself. But I am suddently very happy with how I look. In fact, I'll be honest...for the first time in my entire life, I fucking love my body.

Before you send me hate mail about how full of myself I am, hear me out. As I've been clear about on this site, in terms of abusing me no one holds a candle to myself as the Key Tearer Down of Helen's Self-Esteem. I can break me down in ways you couldn't imagine. When I was pregnant, as I simply grew and grew and grew, I didn't tear myself apart as I knew the growing, it was for a reason.

But suddenly, while pregnant, I perused a few older photos of myself and thought: Why was I so hard on myself? What did I have to hate myself so much about, I looked fine? Angus was always saying how much he loved my body, what did I have against loving myself?

And a part of me knew then what I should've known all along - you can be happy with yourself if you only try.

Now that the babies are evicted, I look at my body all the time. I have managed to lose the baby weight and then some - I weigh less than I did before I got pregnant. I think this is what feeling low and having twins will do for you - the babies took most of the weight and running around trying to run a household and manage two babies has taken the rest. All of my old clothes fit. My body has clearly been impacted - I have a very long C-section scar that is still sensitive, and it runs from mid-thigh to mid-thigh on my lower stomach. My navel is stretched to hell, that funny navel ring scar that appeared during pregnancy is now a permanent feature, and I have a prominent linea negra running down the lower part of my stomach. I clearly have some sit-ups in my future (not for a while though) as the skin is thick and slightly loose. Standing up my stomach is not so bad looking, but when I kneel down I look like I'm made of melting silly putty, as the stretched out skin heads south.

I have never in my life loved how I look.

Until now.

Now I love my very imperfect body and luckily for me Angus loves my sagging-stomached body too. I may look great only to him and I, but that's ok with me and I will never take my shape for granted again. I'll take my silly putty stomach any day, and I think I look fantastic, much better than I ever have, much better than I deserve. I feel very proud of how I've changed throughout this entire year and a part of me hopes that the linea negra never leaves so that I can have a reminder of this part of my life.

So when week 3 approached and the OK for nocturnal naughtiness was given, we took them up on it. And we have been doing so ever since, amazed that we can get so close again when for months we were so far away. I was worried that pregnancy might affect this part of my life, maybe all women worry about that. But nothing has changed, unless you count how it's actually gotten better. Maybe it's my self-confidence making me enjoy it more, maybe it's that we're aging like fine wines, or fuckit, maybe it's just because it's good, I dunno. All I know is that I'm glad this part of my life is back again.

The funny thing is it really is just like dusting off your shins, picking up the fallen ten speed, and getting your feet back on the pedals.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:15 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 1289 words, total size 7 kb.

1 I am SO happy for you. Because of your nifty new body self-image and the fact that you got to do some rumpy-pumpy, both. Heh. Enjoy. And carry on! Right now we're at 14 days um...yanno, not "doing it"; due to my periods being insanely long one month, non-existent the next, argh. This has been a 14 day period. *14 days* 14!!!! I mean, Dan got attended to, because that part can be done, but me? Nada. Zip. God I miss it. The intimacy of our bodies joined, the closeness, the hawtness, omg...*digs nails into palm of hands and looks a bit wild-eyed* But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I believe, I think it's finally stopping today, so wish us luck! So happy for you two.

Posted by: The other Amber at November 05, 2007 02:57 PM (zQE5D)

2 Hurray! I am so happy for you and finally recognizing what we all know, you have a fantastic body in which people would die for! And I think it's cool that you are still hot for each other! Having been married 23 years not so much for me, the hotness still there, the wanting sex all the time, not so much Take care!

Posted by: Cheryl at November 05, 2007 03:08 PM (n3lCA)

3 Woo Hoo! I have to say that sex has been better than ever since we had Bridget. I don't meant to share too much but I think stretching things a bit was helpful. I know sex is not a cure-all in a relationship, but it always amazes me how even when you are pissed beyond belief at the other person, just going ahead and having sex can do so much to bring you closer and open up communication. Good for you guys!

Posted by: donna at November 05, 2007 03:20 PM (Kco5r)

4 Yeah-once you learn how to ride a bike you never forget. It is funny how we feel about ourselves as we age. I was just reading an interview with Annie Lennox, and what she said completely made sense. They asked her how she felt about being in her 50's, and she said it really didn't bother her, because the older she gets the more she accepts herself. Sure, she said, it would be nice to have the smoothness of young skin and all that-but when most women are teens and they are fresh-faced and supple, that is when they are finding every flaw and imperfection with themselves, when they are at war the most with their body. So it all pans out anyway. Besides, you've realized (twice over) what amazing things your body can do.

Posted by: Teresa at November 05, 2007 04:44 PM (xTu8h)

5 It's nice when you're finally happy within your own skin. Smart girl, it took me until I was 40 to feel that way!

Posted by: Margi at November 05, 2007 04:57 PM (wSEpS)

6 I really honestly and truly needed to read this, today....thanks...:*)

Posted by: wn at November 05, 2007 05:13 PM (zh/oU)

7 GOOD!

Posted by: kenju at November 05, 2007 05:16 PM (TiGru)

8 I think when you realize the awesome capabilities of your body and what it can actually do when you think it can do no more, you realize what a precious gift it is and learn to appreciate it that much more.

Posted by: Julie at November 05, 2007 05:59 PM (c8Vah)

9 YAY!

Posted by: caltechgirl at November 05, 2007 06:12 PM (IfXtw)

10 It's all good!

Posted by: sue at November 05, 2007 07:13 PM (WbfZD)

11 Yeah for you!! Now, can I be completely rude and ask what that one position was? Cause I'm a week from my due date and would really like a little s-e-x, but it can't involve touching my stomach!

Posted by: Kristine at November 05, 2007 08:02 PM (E145E)

12 I wasn't happy in my skin until after my daughter was born, now I am pleased with the way I look, all the time. I have stopped picking on myself. Ahhh babies, gotta love them and they way they change us. Glad you are back in the swing of things

Posted by: Veronica at November 05, 2007 11:19 PM (OSjmv)

13 Nothing like little (or a lot) of sex to bring you out of a depression (or at least temporarily) After my son was born I didn't want to be touched. That lasted for years. I am glad that it is not a problem with you.

Posted by: Lukie at November 06, 2007 01:58 AM (WXIEq)

14 Good on you! Learning that you are beautiful is a wonderful feeling, once you get it, you wonder why you ever wondered. I didn't have it nearly as bad as you, merely a case of "what do they see in me?" but when I finally believed that someone could find me beautiful, it was a wonderful thing. So I'm very glad you got it, and you got it stronger 'cause you came back from farther. This is Good.

Posted by: B. Durbin at November 06, 2007 03:15 AM (tie24)

15 I go away for a couple of years, you have kids in the mean time, and what do I come back to? A post about sex. Figures. :-) Anyway, congratulations to you guys, for the double cuteness, the revitalized sex life, and the new outlook on your beauty.

Posted by: Gudy at November 06, 2007 10:18 AM (wrzmk)

16 ::sigh:: Oh sure just go ahead and get laid.... NOW I have to send back the New Orleans Marching Band , The three Japanese fellows who do drums at Epcott, and the Scottish highlanders (who were REALLy hoping to try out their version of Yankee Rose (DLR).... Meanie.. thinking only of your own (and your partners) pleasure.. and nothing of THEATER!! Glad your back riding the bull Hope you two take great pleasure in your dampened Sheets, rugs, towels, tableclothes, lawn furniture, Curtains, wallpaper, hardwood floors, and anywhere else you can steal a bit of one of the things that makes life worth living (but don't get greedy you have 2+2 of the other reason +1 of the third... and several of the other...)

Posted by: LarryConley at November 06, 2007 12:13 PM (Lf2hL)

17 Yay! Good thing to know that all the parts still work together. Also, so glad to hear that you are liking what you see when you look at yourself. It's a good place to be.

Posted by: sophie at November 06, 2007 01:08 PM (AY+fk)

18 I am so glad you have this outlook on yourself. That you feel beautiful. Having children is a beautiful thing in many different ways. It changes a person emotionally, which changes how they act and the aura they give. I am also glad your finding those pedals again

Posted by: Liv at November 06, 2007 08:22 PM (G6ihV)

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