It's one of those awful Friday bullet point days, which you probably hate but I'm not doing "stream of consciousness" very well today, so...um...sorry.

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My visa application is doing my head in, for two big reasons:

1) I cannot find my college diploma anywhere, and unfortunately I kinda' need to send it in. You would think it'd be easy to find, seeing as in typical Texas style the diploma is roughly the size of a small houseboat. I tore the house apart yesterday and am going for it again today. The good news is I do have a sealed official academic transcript proving I graduated and which may or may not suffice, but the fact I can't find my diploma-it's not in the handy box I have, the one under the bed of those documents I will need for a long time still-is whipping me.

2) There are specific visa requirements to "prove" I speak English, and wouldn't you know it, I cannot fulfill one of them.

Seriously.

The Home Office need an official letter from my university stating that my courses and my degree were taught to me in English. This, despite the fact that my degree is from the States, because I still need the letter as the HSMP guidelines dictate "they need this evidence regardless of whether or not the main language from your home country is English."

I complain about this to Angus.

"I got my degree from the University of Texas at Arlington! What the fuck language do they expect I was taught in?" I moan.

"Spanish?" he asks.

"I don't think they teach any courses other than Spanish language and literature courses in Spanish," I reply. "Anyway, I don't speak Spanish. I was too busy learning Russian to try to impress a guy."

I call UTA anyway. It's weird calling the registrar's office there, it seems like a million years ago I went there. I ask about ordering a replacement diploma, which is going to be a complicated procedure as I need to go to a bank here and have them draft me a check for $25, for which I get to pay a £20 fee, meaning I'm paying more in fees than the check is worth all because UTA fear the almighty credit card. I then ask if they can write me an official letter stating that my courses and my degree were given to me in English so that I can fulfill my immigrant criteria in England.

This proves too much for the registrar.

"You want whut?" she asks. I'd forgotten that Texas twang, but I slide right back into it.

"I know it's crazy. I'm sorry. I just need an official letter from you stating the university teaches most of it's classes in English."

"But we have foreign language classes."

"Yes, well, except for those."

"I don't think we can write this letter."

I want to slap people. "Why not?"

"Well, we've never done that before."

I take a deep breath. "Let's think outside of the box, shall we? Just because you've never done this before, why should this mean you can't do it?"

"Well....we just can't. Don't ya'll speak English in England?"

"You would think so, wouldn't you?"

So now I'm waiting to speak to a manager there.

I rang the HSMP helpline and finally, after trying for hours, I get through.

"Hi, I'm struggling a bit with this proving I speak English bit," I say hesitantly. "I've got the diploma," - somewhere - "and I was born and raised in the States. What do I need to do?"

"Do you speak English?" asks the HSMP guy.

Oh. My. Christ. No. No I don't speak English. We're actually in the new The Last Starfighter film and I've just stuck a translator on your collar, I speak Neo-Galactican. Good luck, Starfighter!

"Well, considering we are speaking English on this phone call, I'd tick that box as a yes," I reply.

"Where'd you get your diploma?" he asks.

"The University of Texas at Arlington," I reply.

"They don't teach in Spanish there?" he asks.

Yes! Yes maybe they do! Maybe they all run around calling each other Senor and Senora and all celebrate the Day of the Dead and any other fucking stereotype that you think should apply here, ok? Texas is not one big hotbed of Spanish! I know very little Spanish! If you want, I'll take classes to fix that, but otherwise NO-no my classes weren't taught to me in Spanish!

I'm going to write a cover letter for my application asking the caseworker to please feel free to call me and we can discuss my English qualifications. In English. Then maybe I can prove I speak the language.

Que?

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GOD.

Her uterus must be more stretchy than a Slinky.

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You maybe saw the picture a few days ago of Gorby and I attempting to put together a baby swing that I bought off of ebay.

I asked Angus to take a look at it this morning and I timed him. He put it together in under 3 minutes. Honestly.

Gorby keeps eyeing the swing nervously. I think he thinks we have plans for him with the swing. What he doesn't know is that he'll clear the swing fears just fine, but as soon as I get a diaper big enough to fit the dog all hell will break loose.

Just don't tell the RSPCA.

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We got hit by a terrific raft of spam the other day, so email is just now sorting itself out. If you've sent a mail and I haven't replied, I should find it today through the hundreds of offers of Viagra (we have some, thanks) and notifications that I've won the lottery (Angus and I have a running tally to see whose email account gets the most money in these. So far he's winning, but I'm hoping the Nigerian emails I'm getting start kicking up the money count.)

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We have officially entered the third trimester, and all I keep thinking is How the hell did I make it this far?

Maybe you're tired of hearing about the Lemonheads, but they're a big part of my mindset right now. This isn't going to be a Mommy Blog but it is a blog about whatever it is I think or feel needs to come out, and right now, perhaps with health scares, perhaps because we've reached the point where they have odds for survival if they arrive, they're on my mind a fair amount.

Next week is one of those banner weeks-I'll be 28 weeks pregnant then. 28 weeks is one of those theoreticals for twins in that theoretically if you hit 28 weeks the babies have a 90% chance of surviving. The fact that they've had massive doses of steroids to develop their lungs will help those statistics. And yes, it doesn't mean that all babies apply to this, it's a general, but there's some kind of comfort in knowing that should it all go pear-shaped, they may make it. They're incredibly active babies (especially the girl) and I wonder how this translates to when they're born-will they be as active out as they are in?

The reality is we're looking at them arriving in about 8 weeks time.

8 weeks.

That's it.

As far as Angus and I, we're both still sometimes struggling with the absolute enormity of what's coming. We're nervous and scared. But there are small signs that we're beginning to prepare ourselves for what's coming. I know-you're probably thinking "You have 8 weeks to go, you're just now preparing yourselves?" but we're maybe not an ordinary couple. So far we have the twin stroller, two Fisher Price Aquarium swings I bought on ebay, a bathtub, blankets courtesy of Angela and Statia and clothes/diapers courtesy of Statia, April, and my sister-in-law. Maybe that's plenty, I dunno, but the nursery hasn't even been started let alone posture itself as ready. We don't have the crib or the bedding. We've agreed to buy a travel crib to have around just in case they come early, but we'd rather not tempt fate just yet.

A long time ago I bought one of these. Moulin Roty is a French company with the world's softest, most incredible-feeling toys ever . I bought this rabbit, which has remained hidden under the bed with a green pen and various other bits and pieces, and I promised myself that the bunny (called Lola) would get used. And she will, when the babies come. I also promised myself that I would get this one to accompany Lola so that there will be one for each baby. I haven't bought the toy yet but I will, when I feel confident. Each baby will have one. And maybe it's something that will mean something only to me, I don't know, but it feels important to me.

Angus, for his part, has been looking at Angus-like things for the babies. He's figured out how he's going to do the lighting for the nursery. And he's ordered an IP tilt and pan webcam that will go on the babies wall above their crib, so that family members can log in via a very secure, heavily protected site and can see the babies whenever they want.

We have different ways of acceptance.

Yesterday Angus was on Skype to Jill, and he called me as she wanted to see my stomach. I agreed to show it on the webcam on the proviso that no fat jokes were made (you'd be shocked how many fat jokes I get, it really wears me out). She agreed and so I went on camera. Angus smiled and showed me, and he put his hands out and held my stomach. "It's really firm and very neat and tidy, isn't it?" he asked, holding my very round stomach. He was smiling. I'm not a big one for having people touch my stomach, but it's one of the first times he's voluntarily touched my bump since it appeared.

Sitting here in front of millions of lit-up pixels, I cannot tell you how absolutely amazing it felt to have him touch me like that. It made something inside of me glow, and I've been holding the glow all night now. Maybe I'm not as tightly bound inside as I thought I was.

I wouldn't say that we've become completely one with the idea of being parents to two babies, it's not cigars in the waiting room and me prancing around showing off my stomach to all and sundry, he hasn't "come around" and I'm not composing an iterative list of baby names in my head. But maybe we have small things we want for the babies, and those small things may become big things in time, and for now we talk about how to handle things when they arrive and that, for us, is the biggest step yet.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:13 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
Post contains 1834 words, total size 11 kb.

1 Blimey! What a week for you. I really hope you get your Visa application sorted out, I know how frustrating it is when you can't find something you thought was safe!And as for the English things, that made me laugh! Honestly, the bureaucracy of government can be mind blowing! The picture of your tummy being held by you and Angus is beautiful - brought a lump to my throat! Have a good weekend, Helen, Love S

Posted by: Suzie at August 03, 2007 10:56 AM (YqqaU)

2 I absolutely adore the picture. How's Gorby feel about hair pulling? He might get to the point where he jumps in the Gorby sized diaper bag :-) Hmm... maybe you should throw in a thick Texan drawl when your on the phone... perhaps they need to here a different dialect?? Good Luck!

Posted by: Angela at August 03, 2007 11:46 AM (DGWM7)

3 Wow. What a beautiful moment/picture. I'm glad for you, seriously! Isn't it harder to write about problems with Angus, knowing he's going to read this?

Posted by: Hannah at August 03, 2007 12:04 PM (5w+E2)

4 I completely understand the UK position. As midwesterner who was transplanted to Texas after 21 years of life, I was never sure if they spoke english there either.

Posted by: ~Easy at August 03, 2007 12:06 PM (X+de8)

5 That photograph is simply amazing.

Posted by: Gwyneth at August 03, 2007 12:12 PM (ujvNt)

6 That is a beautiful photo! After reading your words that accompany it my eyes are full of tears and my heart full of love! I am 29 wks 2 days and have been sharing feelings with you thru most of your journey, that picutre just really captures the beauty of what your going thru together. Congrats H- you are going to make fantastic parents!! ps- good luck with the visa papers! pps- on the fat jokes? - you tell them to suck it! I say you look amazing.

Posted by: Christina at August 03, 2007 12:51 PM (FXxJ1)

7 That's the best photo I've seen in months! Keep it forever. It will mean so much to the babies when they are older.

Posted by: kenju at August 03, 2007 02:02 PM (DBvE5)

8 That photo makes me incredibly happy. And I laughed out loud when I heard he's fitting the babies' room with a camera - of course he is! Yours is a home filled with lots of love and modern technology. Naturally. (I'm not poking fun, really, I'm impressed and I still find it amusing.) 8 weeks - seriously!? Even way over here it feels like the time is flying. Off to gaze at this lovely photo some more - speaks volumes about love to me. Beautiful. Thank you both (all, the Lemonheads included) for sharing it.

Posted by: Lisa at August 03, 2007 02:52 PM (e8V7B)

9 Helen, I am new to reading your blog. I started off with your photo stream some time back on Flickr. Reading about the rig-a-ma-role (sp?) over English gave me a good chuckle. It's just really funny because it's so obvious. Anyway, thank you, I really needed a something to put a smile on my face today. The IP camera is totally something I would do if I had any kids. It's a great idea. I'm glad to see that you are coming along so well. I've followed along on your Flickr stream since before "Coming clean". Your belly photo is a beautiful capture of a great experience. Thank you for sharing. Maybe this is too much to write in a comment section and should belong in an email instead, but it's already written here, so too late. Christopher Flickr: Mr.Thomas (exalthim previously)

Posted by: Christopher at August 03, 2007 03:21 PM (HRp3U)

10 What a gorgeous picture. Time is certainly moving right along... we're all keeping our fingers crossed every second of the way for you! All I can say about the woman in Arkansas: yikes. Too funny about the english speaking. Since when does common sense become so difficult? Sheesh... Have a good weekend~

Posted by: sue at August 03, 2007 04:40 PM (WbfZD)

11 This first part of your blog reminded me of the video...it is hysterical: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysg_FoWOue8

Posted by: nukeum at August 03, 2007 05:51 PM (JKeGB)

12 Love that picture. It gave me the warm fuzzies. Have a good weekend!

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 03, 2007 09:11 PM (qPLLC)

13 I don't know the size of door frames and cribs in the UK, but if it is the same as the US, cribs DO NOT fit through a doorway, once assembled. So... just seriously think about putting the crib together inside the room when it comes time and not in the living room thinking you'll just roll it into the nursery. ;-) Won't work... My babies slept in a big basket in the beginning. A friend of mine had hers sleep in a drawer... pulled it out of the dresser, fixed it up and BING!, instant baby bed! So... not everyone gets that nursery together immediately. Heh. It all comes together eventually. It does.

Posted by: Bou at August 04, 2007 12:24 AM (2zVEj)

14 They'll totally sleep non stop for like the first three weeks. Being birthed is a tiring job. And after this week, I probably scared the shit out of you, but all babies, they're different, nothing you don't know, and it's hard to not be scared. One two, three or a litter. Some days will be great and others you'll be like Goldie Hawn in Overboard, where they sit there pegging her with grapes as she rocks back and forth. Those are good times. I think you'll probably do better than I will right off the bat, since you'll need some sort of organization with two. That and leave the baby gear to the men. They'll give it pet names while putting it together, but they still do it way better.

Posted by: statia at August 04, 2007 01:02 AM (lHsKN)

15 you are not too fat if angus can reach around you. That is truly a cool picture, and should be framed on your wall. Webcams? How cool is that? I wish my daughter and sil were so savvy, I'd love to be able to watch the baby.... And just so you know, living in NM? They are only teaching in spanish. (ok, it seems like it anyway)

Posted by: Donna at August 04, 2007 03:48 AM (MPZZY)

16 I absolutely adore that picture. Here's hoping next week will bring news that English is actually the first language of many Texans and that certain departments that deal with visa type things get their heads out of their asses.

Posted by: Michele at August 04, 2007 04:21 AM (H4SV7)

17 aaaah! what a great moment.

Posted by: Sarah at August 04, 2007 08:22 AM (69KUi)

18 *chuckles* Every blogger I know that gets pregnant says they are not going to turn into a "Mommy" blog. after the baby comes But of course, they certainly blog a lot about their baby. As is natural and right, after all. Babies/kids/teens become part of your life. Of course you'll blog about them. But you'll still be you too. Yes, some women lose themselves completely inside their children, giving up their own identiies and living the rest of their lives through their kids. But I seriously doubt you'll be one of those, Helen.

Posted by: The other Amber at August 04, 2007 03:56 PM (zQE5D)

19 Oh my God, I just read the part where Michelle Duggar has been pregnant for TEN YEARS OF HER LIFE. I need to go lie down.

Posted by: Heather at August 04, 2007 04:29 PM (/JYCJ)

20 Heather— some mothers actually enjoy being pregnant. Hormone high or something.

Posted by: B. Durbin at August 04, 2007 07:16 PM (tie24)

21 I live in the UTA area, so if needed I can visit the Registar in person and see what I can do. Email me and let me know.... I don't mind, really!

Posted by: Amy at August 04, 2007 09:39 PM (O8TO8)

22 Absolutely love that picture!

Posted by: Steff at August 05, 2007 04:31 PM (6zvCL)

23 First if this turns into a mommy blog, I would still read you every day. This is about Helen, and Helen is going to be the best mommy evar, so we should hear about it! Second, I absolutely cannot believe you are carrying twins. It totally doesn't look like it. Whoever is making the fat jokes, you just need to kick them in the ding-ding.

Posted by: Dani at August 05, 2007 11:00 PM (DLBWZ)

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