We think the nationality issue has been sorted now - thanks to those who offered links and advice, we read them religiously, and although we're still looking for official comment from Border and Immigration Control, we're much calmer about the issue that the babies will be American and British at birth. We're also pleased we don't have to get married at Basingstoke! The marriage issue has been put to rest, much to the displeasure of both of our families, but both of us really feel that the stress levels are high enough as it is, adding a wedding into the mix right now isn't going to help. We will get married. Just not yet.

I know I've been writing a lot lately about stress, issues, and conflicted feelings. Lately things have been coming in waves of primary colors, raw and wild stresses and fears that are as vivid as my hormone-induced pregnancy dreams. I don't mean for this spot to become a beehive of vulnerability, it's just I'm in an area that I have never been in before, an area I thought maybe I would never be in.

For years now, I've had few real fears. I guess when you meet with the action end of a bottle you stop being afraid of a lot of things, they just don't scare you anymore. Death doesn't scare me. Heights don't scare me. Snakes and creepy crawlies - while not my favorite things in the world - don't paralyze me with fear. I can say that I have a lot of things that concern me, but for so long I had nothing I was truly, completely, and utterly afraid of. Nothing stabbed me in the heart with cold hard terror. There was nothing that was a fate worse than death, because death itself wasn't a benchmark of alarm, and because death was, in some ways, a better answer to the life of unmitigated destruction I was forcing myself to live.

Until now.

Work with my nice couch man has been ongoing and will keep going until the babies are born, then I imagine some kind of scale down will have to happen. He's gotten me out of hopping out of myself. I am no longer feeling absolutely nothing at events that I should feel something at. I do not try to be anyone else, and I don't tell people lies so that they won't get to know me. I am the nearest thing to Me that I have ever been.

And he's helping me deal with the next round.

I always seem to have rounds. Only this one is a round which makes my mouth run dry. It makes me short of breath with panic. It makes me feel like going prostrate with agony and defeat, and that's something for me. I'm the little engine that could. I can take the defeat, the shit, the challenges. But suddenly, I am overwhelmed by something bigger than I am.

We're working as fast as we can.

I look back at the life I've lived as though I'm a war veteran standing on the edge of a very large cliff. From the view of the cliff, I can see it all. My childhood, where I was locked inside of eyes that didn't fit, where the embarassment and inadequacies first set in. My teens, where I ruthlessly seized the path of not belonging, and made it my mission to further making myself as distant as possible. My early adult years, where it was obvious to all and sundry just how detached I was, just how much was invisible from the surface. My late 20's, where I started to implode. The many, many hours I spent on a couch, trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

I look down over my cliff and the sea smells of dysfunction, as screaming taunts, addictions, nightmares, emotional and physical violence, and that whine of the TV at 5 am as it plays only humming white noise churn below me. I am none of those people now, but they are all in me, and I am trying to reconcile them and move on. I survived it all, but even more than that, I survived myself. I did a far better job of enforcing the nightmares than anyone I ever loved could ever have done.

And now I feel kicking. It's gentle but insistent. It comes in the mornings, it comes in the late evenings, it comes when I am still. There is no noise in my head but there's noise in the ever-growing curve of my abdomen.

I have dreams that I am a warrior, battle-weary and scarred, trying to get three children out of a war-torn country. I am told, in typical Freudian bullshit fashion, that two of the children in my dream are the Lemonheads. The other child I am trying to save is me. I don't know what to make of this, but then I often don't know what to make of anything.

The battle to get over how broken I was is largely over. We have some smaller pieces to work on, but I am in my here and now. I am proud of the work I've done. I am proud that I survived myself. I wouldn't wish being broken on anyone, but if you make it through and can look back, then you are the strongest person I know.

I do not fear death. I do not fear love. But I do have a fear now, and it is scarier than anything I have ever felt. It punches me in the gut and takes my breath away. If I don't protect the babies as I should have been protected, I will have failed them. I will have failed myself. If I don't take heed and take a different path, then I will ruin them. If I don't save them from what I know is out there, then I will be no better than the monsters I tried to run from. It's not just all up to me, it's not all just tilting at windmills. I will conquer it, because there is no alternative.

My fear was unexpected.

My fear is honest, and terrifying.

My fear is simple.

My biggest fear in the world is that my babies will turn out like me.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:02 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 1060 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Congratulations. You are now a parent. This is the fear that every parent lives with. Every decesion is now run through a new filter that overwhelms all other concerns. When you start to think about all of the things that can happen you'll go insane. Take deep breaths, and just do your best. It will be good enough. Don't sell yourself short. You have many good qualities that your babies will aquire. I feel confident that your kids will not turn out exactly like you fear.

Posted by: ~Easy at July 09, 2007 12:05 PM (X+de8)

2 They're going to be somewhat like you. It's just inevitable. But, don't fear. You're a good person. Two little Helens running around delights me to no end.

Posted by: statia at July 09, 2007 12:16 PM (lHsKN)

3 I was just about to say the same thing. You are already a mom, in fact you have been for a while even before you got a postitive beta, and you have already been doing an excellent job caring for those Lemonheads. You will do better for them because you know you should and you know you can. That's not to say you won't make mistakes - every parent does - but you know how you want them to feel and you will work your hind end off to make sure they feel that way. You are already doing an amazing job.

Posted by: donna at July 09, 2007 12:20 PM (Kco5r)

4 My biggest fear is that my son is going to turn out just like my husband!

Posted by: paula at July 09, 2007 12:32 PM (FlZPw)

5 Your fear proves the couch time is/was well spent. Reality is fearful, fantasy can be pleasant. How the DNA replicants evolve is not totally up to the nuture of the DNA donors; nature plays a large role also. That said I predict the replicants will be well loved and feel very safe and secure in your home. With those advantages they will do very well in life.

Posted by: Foggy at July 09, 2007 12:43 PM (Dk5Ts)

6 You're forgetting the inner strength that it took you to finally get to where you are. Part of who you are is based on the paths you've taken, and while there is no doubt that the lemonheads will inherit characterisitics of both you and Angus, they will choose their own paths that will make them their own people. You're responsibility is to protect them from the unseens while they are young,guide them as they grow up, and be their roots when they are adults. I cultivate a wish that if I go down the parenting route, that I will see my family togeher & relaxing regularly. My family, as it is now, only gets together on birthdays and holidays, as per general expectations. I dread those events, and I dream of a different relationship with my kids. That being said, I do understand your fear. I would hope my kids where better than me, more fogiving and easier to laugh.

Posted by: Angela at July 09, 2007 12:48 PM (DGWM7)

7 Ahh, the rounds. I so hear you on that. Sometimes I wonder if the rounds ever stop or if they continually perpetuate one another. Would I have round 45856 if round 2283 didn't reveal blabbity-blah? Couldn't I have just done without realising blabbity-blah and saved myself several more rounds? Is it really imperative that I deal with the blabbity-blah when I've gone 32 years not even really being aware of it? (Wish I could answer all that for both of us!) However--here's what I think: your kiddos will be like you in many ways. I don't think this is anything to really fear, as you can't change it. That whole DNA thing? Yeah, there it is. BUT. There's also the "product of our environment" kind of thing. Hel, your childhood was less than loving and nurturing. Much of how you are now is because you kinda had to raise yourself and in doing so, had to form a hard candy shell to keep you from melting in people's hands. (Though I hear you do melt in mouths... what?! I'm just sayin!) The Lemonheads aren't going to have the same kind of childhood that you had. You've waited so very long for their arrival and have wanted them from the get-go. I know you're going to be a loving, nurturing, caring mother. (Just look at Jeff and Melissa! They love you! And you're supposed to be the "Evil" Stepmother!) Because you are going to love these kids to bits and back again, they won't have to form such a hard candy shell from the get-go. You'll be there to love them and support them all the way. Inevitably, they'll probably have your strength and drive. It's possible they might get a touch of the Dooms, as they're hereditary, but at least they'll have a great role model for dealing with them. You're taking the necessary steps to sort out your Dooms & Glooms so if they should wind up with a touch of it, they'll know immediately how to seek the help that will get them out of the Pit of Despair. I understand your fears. (I echo them myself.) But from an outsider's view, you're worried about them becoming what you were like when you didn't have the tools to deal with life, not the wonderful, loving, caring, amazing woman you are now. Don't forget to update your own character and achievements when you're constructing Worst-Case-Scenarios. ;-p xxx

Posted by: Ms. Pants at July 09, 2007 02:30 PM (+p4Zf)

8 I am by no account a professional so I don't feel able to offer real advice. I am, however, a woman who has recently gone through her own roller coaster year. My family doctor recently told me that the fact that I am able to confront and rationalize my fears means that I'm over the hump. That Im able to move on. It does make sense to me, even if I am still wary. But just realize that almost every new mom has her own degree of fear that's holed up inside her. From what I've read so far of your journey, it sounds like you are a remarkable strong woman. The fact that you care enough to want to protect the Lemonheads from whatever lays ahead, just shows that you are indeed already a Mommy. Good Luck Helen.

Posted by: Terry at July 09, 2007 03:01 PM (2nDll)

9 They will have the best of you. And with your and Angus' love and attention, they will be well-adjusted children who know they are loved, wanted and cared for forever.

Posted by: kenju at July 09, 2007 03:03 PM (DBvE5)

10 I agree. You've just passed Mommy 101. It never ends, sweetie... if it isn't one thing it is something else. The lemonheads will have your wealth of experience to guide them and although you will never stop fearing one thing or another for them you must remember that in many respects children come "pre-programmed" and all we can do is guide them. I can't think of a better guide than you.

Posted by: sue at July 09, 2007 03:07 PM (WbfZD)

11 "My biggest fear in the world is that my babies will turn out like me" And that is a bad thing? The person they will know is the person you are NOW, not the mess you say you used to be......have a little faith in yourself, your stepkids haven't run screaming from you have they? Look outside, there are no villagers with pitchforks and torches out there. You are not the monster you seem to think you are.

Posted by: Donna at July 09, 2007 03:10 PM (XVAEN)

12 You already said here that you are the strongest person you know: "The battle to get over how broken I was is largely over. ... I wouldn't wish being broken on anyone, but if you make it through and can look back, then you are the strongest person I know." so why wouldn't you want the babies to be like that? BTW, looking at your pic today from your website I thought you'd snapped a picture of the Loch Ness monster while you were in Scotland!

Posted by: Jennifer at July 09, 2007 03:32 PM (8aSU6)

13 My biggest fear in the world is that my babies will turn out like me. Is that supposed to be a negative? You've gone through some rough times, experienced some terrible things, and yet somehow you've ended up stronger and happier than you were before those things. Isn't that what's supposed to happen? As to this point: If I don't protect the babies as I should have been protected, I will have failed them. Join the crowd. I believe that every parent, myself included, worries that very thing. I believe that as long as you think that, you'll be fine. It's when you think that you've got it all figured out that the real problems arise. Crikey, I speak like I know something. The reality is that I'm just making it up as I go along. It's okay, though: my children teach me what I need to know. I'm confident that your's will offer similar instruction.

Posted by: physics geek at July 09, 2007 04:32 PM (MT22W)

14 Like some of the others are saying; welcome to parenthood! I understand your fears; hell, I still beat myself up sometimes because I wasn't a perfect parent, but nobody is! And look how awesome my kids turned out, lol. And you know, it wasn't easy. My father was an alcoholic, my childhood was the pits in many ways and my ex's childhood was horrific, although how much so I didn't find out until many years later. I tried to commit suicide when I was 17, you know. I wasn't exactly Miss Healthy Id back then, lol. But we were determined to raise our kids without all that baggage, we weren't going to make the mistakes our parents had with us and guess what? We did a great job! And we were so young, too. I was only 22 when I had Lucy. But despite not getting any therapy for my own issues until after the kids were grown, still, the ex and I persevered. And we were successful! So, if I can do it, you can do it too. You are older, wiser and you've done such great work on yourself! You'll be awesome. Besides, a lot of it is up to them anyway. Despite how much weight we put upon parenting and yes, of course good parenting is very important, but ultimately the Lemonheads are going to be their own persons. You can guide them and do your best but in the end we are all ourselves and not our parents. So what they become in the end is only partially you and Angus but mostly them. Scary as that sounds, but it's true. The important thing is that you yearn to be a good parent. That's what counts, that attitude. After that, it all just rolls out naturally, you'll see.

Posted by: The other Amber at July 09, 2007 05:13 PM (zQE5D)

15 I'm going to disagree with you, my friend. Being "just like you" is a pretty good thing. I know you have your demons and your issues. We all do. It's just that you have the resources and the resiliency to fight back. And that's a quality I suspect you'd appreciate both babies inheriting from Mom. That being said, I really don't think you're really afraid that your lemonheads will end up "just like you". I suspect that your real fear is that they will have to face unbelievably difficult, painful times as you did, and that will scar them, too. That's a healthy fear, and keeping it in the back of your mind will help you protect them. Your Lemonheads were pretty smart picking you.

Posted by: caltechgirl at July 09, 2007 05:40 PM (/vgMZ)

16 I second caltechgirl. Every word, especially, "Your Lemonheads were pretty smart picking you."

Posted by: Mia at July 09, 2007 07:04 PM (+2lQc)

17 I think the twins will turn out with your good characteristics - your resilience, your wit, your brains, etc. The difference here is they don't have to carry the same baggage you have carried for all these years. I have no doubt that you and Angus will love them to death and make sure they have all they need, and the two of you will strive not to repeat the same mistakes of your parents that contributed to your emotional troubles. You are committed to stability for your family, and few things will help them more than that. I believe that your problems have made you wise enough to teach your children how to avoid the same pitfalls you went through. Imagine this - the twins having the things that are good about Helen (yes you DO have good qualities, don't deny yourself that), but without the baggage. Unconditional love of your children will go a long way towards them turning out happy and well adjusted to life.

Posted by: diamond dave at July 10, 2007 01:26 AM (ReolN)

Hide Comments | Add Comment