I went to my GP about my cough.

He told me that I had a viral infection, and recommended the following:

1) Paracetamol (Tylenol).
2) Vicks Vap-o-Rub (I may be the only grown up that loves that shit)
3) Holding my head over a bowl of steam.

Seriously.

Fucking steam.

I looked at him and wondered if he thought I was a choo-choo train.

He said antibiotics won't help as it's viral (I understand that part) and cough syrups are out because the only ones safe for someone in my state have codeine in them, and I'm allergic to codeine.

Steam. I do get that it will help break up the congestion in my head and throat, but seriously-Laura Ingalls Wilder called. She wants her life back.

While I'm at it, I'll make a few poultices up and drink some castor oil.

**************************************

I had to go pick up a prescription, which naturally wasn't ready. When you do IVF, for a period of time after the embryos are put into the female microwave oven in hopes of them actually staying put, you're put on a progesterone supplement. In the States, this is called PIO, or progesterone in oil, which is a shot of progesterone with a needle straight out of Pulp Fiction. Here, it comes in the form of suppositories which you bend over and insert twice a day.

The PIO crowd complain about the needles.

Lemme' tell you-stuffing waxy bullet-shaped drugs up your backside is no picnic, either. Especially because the damn things leak. And they mess up your insides. And for an IBS sufferer like me that has a real phobia about anything relating to the ass, they're even worse because you have to use your finger and push them way up there (the instructions recommend you wash your hands after inserting one of them. In case, you know, it never occurred to you that it might be a wee bit foul to not wash your hands after sticking them where the sun doesn't shine). You can put the suppositories in vaginally but they make one unholy mess and pretty much rule out anyone being interested in snacking at your snack bar unless you've been hosed down with a flame thrower.

If you get pregnant, you stay on the progesterone until week 12.

In the UK, if you're pregnant with twins, you stay on them until week 28 as they help prevent pre-term labor.

In other words, twice a day I have to confront one of my phobias.

And it will continue for another 10 weeks.

This, then, will be the "see what I had to go through" story for my children. It won't be about walking to school 5 miles uphills in the snow, nosiree. It'll be about having to push my finger up my ass twice a day for 28 weeks*.

Now that's love.

**************************************

It's June 1.

I've already bought quite a few Christmas presents for a holiday 6 months away.

Is that weird?

**************************************

Angus bakes the best brownies in the world, ever.

Really, he does. It shames me to admit that my brownies pale in comparison to his brownies.

I'm not big on desserts, and these days I'm off sweets at all really, but the other day I was desperate for one of his brownies, so he kindly agreed to make me some. On of the ingredients in his recipe is cherries, which he soaks in rum overnight first.

I walked in to the kitchen to see him sneaking one out of the bowl.

"I bought dried cherries," he says. "It's not fresh cherry season yet."

"I saw some the other week," I say getting a glass of water. "I really wanted to buy them but felt the price wasn't justified."

"I went looking for the American ones," he says. "American cherries are the best."

And my brain was so full of retorts to that statement that it self-destructed.

-H.

*Yes, it will be worth it.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:10 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 669 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Oh come ON. That Cherry remark was DYING for a good comeback. Mmmmmm Vicks. I like it too. I seem to collect it. I MUST have it on hand durng cold season, and so every year I keep buying more because I have, of course, lost the previous years' jars, right? When we moved last weekend I found 4 jars. I shit you not. 4. Two unopened. Want me to send it?

Posted by: caltechgirl at June 01, 2007 05:34 AM (qPLLC)

2 I'm the other one who loves Vicks Vapo-Rub. If you're congested in your HEAD, such as you can't draw any breath through your nostrils, try some cider vinegar or regular vinegar in the simmering or boiling water. Put your head over the steam and keep trying to breathe in through your nose. It will gradually completely clear. Then you have about 15 to 20 minutes to get to sleep before it all comes back! I have to get up in the middle of the night to do it again. I can't take any of the decongestants because they counteract with my blood pressure meds. And the coricidin cold medicine, MADE for people like me, doesn't work all that well. But the vinegar - baby, great stuff! Congrats on the lemonhead sprogs, can't wait for those cute pictures.

Posted by: Oda Mae at June 01, 2007 05:43 AM (wK887)

3 That's so funny that the Dr told you to use steam. I use vapor rub for steaming my head quite a bit (I get congested ears from allergies which my GP can't really see or do anything with when I do go to her about it). So hurray for steam. And mmm know I want brownies!

Posted by: Juls at June 01, 2007 07:17 AM (3ouud)

4 Look, I know you are joking and all that, but the castor oil? STAY AWAY! Its a (tried and tested) old wives tale that castor oil induces labour. And so at 13 days overdue and desperate, all other bizarre rituals not suceeding (including the hottest curry known to my local Indian, and some sex, it got me into the mess, I damn well hoped it would get me out of it!) I was tempted to try drinking castor oil until a good friend explained that all it actually does is induce desperate tummy cramps and expulsion, which can sometimes coax the uterus into cramping and possible labour. Well, no thank you very much. I might have finally had my baby at 16 days overdue (yes, 42 weeks and 2 days!) but at least I didn't try the castor oil!

Posted by: SuperSarah at June 01, 2007 07:41 AM (udcGR)

5 Vicks is great for many things. Search for it and see if you can find the list of things is is good for - such as toenail fungus and paper cuts and for coughing, you rub it on the soles of your feet when you go to bed, and sleep in socks. Really!

Posted by: kenju at June 01, 2007 11:56 AM (DBvE5)

6 I love vicks too, but I usually accompany a good chest and under the nose smear with a hot shower (gah...steam). Also - the steam thing - if you put eucalyptus oil in the water, it helps. I had the WORST cold of my life while I was pregnant, so I feel your pain. Well, not the PIO pain...

Posted by: Tracy at June 01, 2007 01:09 PM (zv3bS)

7 If the progesterone supplements are called PIO in the states, does that mean they're called PIA over there? You know, for Pain In Ass

Posted by: geeky at June 01, 2007 01:18 PM (ziVl9)

8 A cold while pregnant is the worst-but steam can be awesome, and add a little Vicks to it and it can be heaven. All that coughing will probably get the Lemonheads in shape and rearing to go-I think that is what happened with my son. I coughed my ass off from week 10 to about week 15 and that little shit hasn't slowed down yet, and he will be 6 this fall. Hope you are feeling better soon-and sticking your finger up your ass is never fun, and I am supposing it is much worse while pregnant. American cherries rock Angus, you got that right.

Posted by: Teresa at June 01, 2007 01:59 PM (6zk1N)

9 I had plurosy with my first child's pregnancy... thought I was gonna die... ack. The things we do... and, yes, it IS worth it. Totally. Abso-fucking-lutely. The cherry remark? Priceless. Can't believe you let that one slide... I'm so happy for you all. Cold and everything. You are already such a good mom. Honest.

Posted by: sue at June 01, 2007 01:59 PM (WbfZD)

10 I don't think I said that right - sounded like my first child was pregnant. I gotta learn me some English someday. sheesh.

Posted by: sue at June 01, 2007 02:00 PM (WbfZD)

11 My grandmother always put a spoonful of Vicks into the bowl of steaming water and then we hung over it with a towel over our heads to catch the steam. Must have worked. I know it made us feel better to have someone pay all that attention to us and the smell of Vicks still makes me veery comfortable. It's better than mac and cheese. Hope you feel better soon.

Posted by: gemmma at June 01, 2007 02:24 PM (3NLvC)

12 Okay, since no one has suggested this: look up Neti pot. Seriously. It looks like it is a silly idea - but my congestion/allergies totally clear up after using this little pot. Just a simple saline solution does the trick. I couldn't believe it! Okay, I've de-lurked enough...good luck! C

Posted by: Christina at June 01, 2007 03:36 PM (axrWz)

13 Ditto on the neti pot; Dan and I both started using it a few weeks ago and although it's the worst time of year here for allergies, I'm not using meds this year for the first time in decades. Oh and perhaps you'll get a kick out of this: A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache. 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2007 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Posted by: The other Amber at June 01, 2007 03:45 PM (zQE5D)

14 You'll be surprised. Run a really hot shower in a small bathroom and the steam really will make you feel a lot better. I hated the progesterone too. Luckily I am off of it now but it definitely is not enjoyable. And you are right, it definitely will be worth it!

Posted by: Jamie at June 01, 2007 04:23 PM (nPqGH)

15 I love Vicks. Va-PO-Rub. Reminds me of my mommy. I even bought some of that vapor bath for babies. I like passing on that tradition.

Posted by: Margi at June 01, 2007 05:43 PM (jfU+M)

16 Rum-soaked cherries in brownies? That's it, I'm on the next flight to the UK, I'm camping out at your place until you GIVE ME A FUCKING BROWNIE!!! Please? At least give me a towel to clean the drool off my keyboard. And Angus' comment about American cherries? Glad I just peed or I'd be doing laundry tonight. Reading posts like this rock my Friday afternoon, especially after work. Keep'm coming! (PS - I like Vicks Vapor Rub too - coming from someone with a chronically stuffed nose.)

Posted by: diamond dave at June 01, 2007 08:39 PM (dfr6d)

17 I like your doctor, and I second the neti-pot.

Posted by: Hobo Stripper at June 04, 2007 03:57 AM (MaYM2)

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