To My Little Boy and Girl -

I've been waiting for you for a long while now, as long as I can remember. I've been through hundreds of needles and thousands of tears to get you, and nothing will ever tell me that it wasn't worth it to have you for as long as I possibly can. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell you how you came to be, but at the end of the day I don't think it's important. What is important is that you are coming, you are here, and you will be loved until I stop breathing and even then someone else will love you.

I know this much to be true - you will never be alone. Not only will you have each other always, but you'll learn what I have - that the capacity for the world to love is great, that people are true, that love hurts but sets you free.

I look back on how far we've come and I am amazed. I was writing an email to someone not long ago and when I came to the part where I wrote "in March we learned we were having twins, which are due in October" my breath caught for a minute. How strange to write that. Twins. October. And that for 7 months I have known about you, watching you, knowing you're there. I used to worry so much about you, that I would lose you, that you would leave me, but now I have a simple, strong current inside of me that tells me you are coming and you will be fine. I wear this current like a badge on my sleeve, the stripes of a seargeant who will watch over her troops.

The single greatest part of my pregnancy has been knowing that every moment of every emotion I have felt has involved you. You have been a part of every second, every laugh, every heartbeat, every breath. I've had 7 months where I never felt alone, not for a moment.

We had fear, too. The three of us huddled in a bed together while women screamed through walls around us. We held strong when we needed tests on you to make sure you were ok (your daddy, sitting next to me at a work conference, took a moment to jot a note to me to tell me how happy he was that you were ok. That, more than most, meant that you were on his mind.) We all had fast heartbeats as we had one and then two hospital stays.

Throughout the darkness - and there has been darkness - we always had each other. I played you our song, our remarkable song, and hoped it would calm you. When you come I hope to play it to you and I hope you remember it.

Soon you'll be here. I look at what life has in store for you and all I can tell you is that I have so much faith that things will be ok. When you get here, you'll have the world's greatest father. Your father is a man I love, admire, adore, and need. He is a rock in my life and he will be in yours, too. You have a happy-go-lucky dog and an angry cat around. You have a wonderful sister and brother waiting to find out who you are. You have two sets of grandparents that will be very, very active and will love you more than you will ever begin to suspect a person can love. You have a house on a quiet country lane where you can pet cows and chase butterflies and listen to the owls at night.

And you have me.

As long as you want me, you'll always have me.

Your childhood will be a mix of cultures. You'll have pumpkin carving at Halloween and fireworks at Guy Fawkes' Day. You'll have Thanksgiving and Christmas, and you can watch all the kids DVDs I own with me and we'll pretend they were on TV. You can call him Santa Claus or Father Christmas, whichever you prefer, and we will have visits from the Easter Bunny and enjoy warm May bank holidays. You will have the best of both worlds because we can give you that, as well as our love for our holidays and traditions.

I know a lot of moms write lists of things they want for their children, of how things will be. I honesly don't know how they will be, myself. I know that I want a stable life for you, one with rules, laughter, adventures and boundaries. I know I will be strict. I know sometimes we will all need a minute to adjust. I know I will love you more than words can possibly express, just like I love your father.

I give you these and only these promises, my babies, my blessings:

I promise that when I make mistakes - for I will make mistakes, I know - I will apologize.

I promise I will be there when you want and need me.

I promise I will marvel at who you will become and I will thank god forever for Angus, Gorby, Melissa, Jeff, and you two, for you are my family and my heart.

I'll see you soon, ok?

Love,
Mama

PS-I'll stop eating the ice cubes if you stop kicking, and if you both scootch just a little to the right I'll buy you a goldfish when you get older. I think that's a fair deal.

************************************

As an aside, Super Sarah (go say hi, she's got a great sense of humor!) sent two knitted lemon hats for the Lemonheads. They're coming to the hospital with us for the babies, as I love them very much.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:28 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 978 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Oh sweetheart. I love this post. I do hope you share it with your darlings some day. It's funny, because I tell people that I knew the moment the doctor placed my screaming red and angry little boys into my arms, that I knew that my life would never be the same. It seems that you, my darling, have figured that out so much more quickly than I ever did. Here's to you and your beautiful babes. Slainte!

Posted by: Margi at September 26, 2007 08:04 AM (wpu3a)

2 All blessings on you.. you've wanted this for so long... BTW if you REALLY need something from the USA the same forms I use to ship to folk in Iraq work perfectly good for the UK.... and I live near a Target and a Walmart.

Posted by: LarryConley at September 26, 2007 11:29 AM (Zxxef)

3 Now you've gone and made me cry! That was beautiful, Helen. I agree with Margi, you should share it with the Lemonheads someday. You forgot to mention all the cyber aunties out here that love them too. ;-)

Posted by: Amanda at September 26, 2007 12:20 PM (ay+rD)

4 entires like this one are why I keep coming back. Hugs to you.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at September 26, 2007 12:28 PM (+MvHD)

5 Beautiful!

Posted by: Kerisa at September 26, 2007 12:31 PM (PsyC+)

6 *Sniff*

Posted by: Teresa at September 26, 2007 12:31 PM (HF0Gh)

7 Beautiful! I can not believe that all this time has passed and those lemonheads will soon be here so that you and Angus can hold and kiss them.

Posted by: Tracey at September 26, 2007 01:03 PM (jgdKP)

8 After each of my kids was born, I wrote down everything that happened in a letter to them. I used to read it to them everytime they had a birthday. Since they became teenagers, they haven't asked for their birth story, but I know eventually they will want to read it again, maybe when they have their own bun in the oven. Kudos to you for memorializing what is sure to be a, or even the, pivotal event of your life.

Posted by: Julie at September 26, 2007 02:02 PM (bKfwj)

9 This was beautiful. There is so much love expressed in this letter. I kept a little journal of thoughts to my daughter when I was pregnant. It was a period I loved. I now try and do little things that help us both to remember and share that original bond. This year I am creating a calendar of pictures with each month as one of her songs from when she was a wee one. I also write much more now than I ever did. It is so important to help me remember and her see how she is loved. They will cherish this letter.

Posted by: The Exception at September 26, 2007 03:14 PM (z62e3)

10 Hey! No fair making my cry into my coffee! *sniffles* Seriously, this is a beautiful note to your babies. You are such a great Mama. The hats are beautiful. I'd bet anything they're incredibly soft, too.

Posted by: Lisa at September 26, 2007 03:15 PM (EcHBm)

11 Very beautiful, very heartfelt; one day they will read this as adults and be so happy their mom loved them so before they were even born! {{{hugs}}}

Posted by: The other Amber at September 26, 2007 03:24 PM (zQE5D)

12 Damn you. Crying now. So sweet.

Posted by: April at September 26, 2007 03:48 PM (xEWJq)

13 Sniff. Sniiiiiiff. I'm at work dammit. You shouldn't do things like that to people who need to be presentable. Your little darlings will love you so much. I can't wait for you to get to hold them in your arms. And Sarah, LOVE the Lemonhead hats!

Posted by: caltechgirl at September 26, 2007 06:00 PM (/vgMZ)

14 What a beautiful post! I always wrote to my babies when I was pregnant, it is a wonderful thing to have to later pass on to them. I also played a special song to my kids and they really did in fact remember once they were born! Thank you for sharing this sweet letter to the Lemonheads!

Posted by: eandb at September 26, 2007 06:33 PM (2YYDB)

15 As a fellow IVF'er I could so feel the needles and tears part of this. If I ever get to join you on the other side, I hope I can write something so great. The family story was fab, I'm so pleased your Dad and step mum did a great job with Melissa and Jeff - the future looks great girl!!

Posted by: Becks at September 26, 2007 07:07 PM (pc2ik)

16 Coming out of the wood work to tell you how beautiful this was to read. Good luck with everything.

Posted by: Leanne at September 26, 2007 07:11 PM (6hS/5)

17 Helen, You know, I had something else on my mind to say, but instead I'll simply reiterate a point that I've made several times before: your children will be lucky to have you as a mother.

Posted by: physics geek at September 26, 2007 07:39 PM (MT22W)

18 What a sweet post. That's one for the baby book...

Posted by: sue at September 26, 2007 07:50 PM (WbfZD)

19 Helen, That is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts with us. I'm sure that if nothing else, once they eventually turn into rebellions teenagers who know everything, you will be able read this and be reminded of what they mean to you.

Posted by: Mr.Thomas at September 26, 2007 09:37 PM (HRp3U)

20 Beautiful! Thanks for sharing it. I want to ask cause I sort of sence it here.. are you getting this quiet calm all around you. Like everything is sort of passing you by without much notice? I nearly had a heart attack today when I realized i am 21 days from my due date....aside from that moment seems like Im as at peace as i have been this whole pregnancy..... I get that same feeling from you here. Thanks again for sharing and those knit hats are pricless!

Posted by: Christina at September 26, 2007 10:34 PM (cu+y1)

21 I pray that you will print that and let them read it when they are older. It would be wonderful to know that your mom loved you that much even before you were born.

Posted by: kenju at September 27, 2007 03:39 AM (TiGru)

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