Yesterday I was at home, laid up with a very bad back. Angus was back from Stockholm, complete with goodies for us (sour wine gums! And cheese! And cottage cheese! Laugh if you want, but I don't like the cottage cheese you can get in the UK, so we bring it over from Sweden (it's called Keso there) whenever we can, because I love cottage cheese.) Yesterday he and Gorby went to his brother's to help cut down some damaged trees, and so I had the house to myself.

So I sat on the couch and watched TV, seeing as the back hurt so badly I really wasn't up for much else. I watched everything I had stored up on the hard drive, and then I pulled out DVDs. I drank fruit juice and I realized that actually I was feeling very, very blue.

It happens to us ladies sometimes.

At certain times of the month, some of us get blue.

(And if you're a guy and you ever feel the need to snidely say "Hmm...someone's on the rag", then know that it has been proposed to many legislative bodies that it should be legal for us to punch you in the throat for being insensitive, so don't say that to us.)

Anyway, I was feeling blue. I didn't really know why I was feeling blue, I don't know what was behind it, I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was lost, I was drifting, I had come unanchored at a very deep port. And as I watched my DVDs, I realized that a part of me was homesick.

I was watching Gilmore Girls, Season 6 (shut up, I know. It's cheesy, and someone needs to tell Rory to dial it the fuck down, as well as to warn her that her body type is a pear just waiting for a depression so put those twinkies down NOW, but I do like the show. I fast-forward through all the Kirk and Taylor parts, because those characters should just be killed off in some kind of violent gas main explosion.)

Watching Gilmore Girls made me miss being in the States. I don't know why, I can't really explain it. I know it's just a show, and that Hollywood does its best to make everything kitschy cute and as soft as the Snuggle fabric softener bear's butt, but still. I missed home.

And what triggered it was simple. It was a no-brainer. It was a moment that the scriptwriter probably wrote in as a filler, or a low-paid product placement jaunt. It was meant to be thrown away, but typically I just couldn't do it.

Rory (the daughter) ate someone's Cheese Nips.

She finished off the box.

Someone lost a Nabisco product to her raging early adult ways.

And I felt completely sad. Not for the fate of the Cheese Nips, because that's what they're for (that, and crunched into tomato soup. They really belong in there.) They're for eating, that's the cheesy snack biscuit's meaning in life.

But they don't sell them here, and in a flash, I saw what any potential child I could actually manage to conceive AND give birth to would be missing out on.

My children (should I ever actually have any) will not have Cheese Nips in this country I now call home. Angus and I will never have a child that knows the great goodness that is Nabisco, from the simple Nilla Wafer to the complex Mallomar. That's not even including Chips Ahoy, Triscuits, and (my favorites) Teddy Grahams and Fig Netwons.

Oh, there's a fig-like product here called the Jacob's Fig Roll, and they're pretty good and all, but they're no Fig Newton. Just like Maltesers are not and will never be Whoppers. If you grow up on one side of the product fence, you cannot embrace the other (and don't even get me started on the peanut butter selections here. It will make you weep.)

And it hit me - all of the things that I knew and loved will be missing from the childhoods of my hypothetical children. Products, memories, food, events...none of them will mean anything. Those stored up Hollywood sheltered moments, the feel of a super market box of goods, the smell of the shiny coupons in the Sunday paper...they are meaningless.

The memories that my would-be children won't have started flooding me, as I sat there on the couch tuning out the Gilmores.

My kids will never walk through a pumpkin patch, wandering around trying to find which pumpkin it is that they are certain wants to come home with us. They won't have Halloween costumes and a large plastic pumpkin with a black plastic handle. The words "Trick or Treat" won't mean a thing to them.

My kids may be in football practice, but they'll not have soccer practice. I won't be a soccer mom, driving my soccer car to get my soccer kids. They won't play softball, T-ball will not make any sense to them, and with a quiet sob I realize that hockey to them will always be something played on a green grassy field, as opposed to something played with the solid metal smell of ice in the back of their throats.

My kids will never know what it's like to take a cardboard vacuum-packed tube of baked goods and unroll it. They won't get the distinct insane pleasure of whacking it against the side of the countertop to watch it explode as Grand's cinnamon rolls bulge out the sides. They won't get their fingers greasy as they put them on the baking sheet, and they won't get to pop the tiny can of frosting to glaze their own cinnamon roll. They won't know that they can have my cinnamon roll's share of the frosting, to not frost mine, that I don't like frosting. They won't know what the cinnamon roll tube of baking is like, and the rituals that go with it.

My kids will never understand what Thanksgiving is. For them, like for me here, Thanksgiving will take place on the last Saturday of the month. It will be certain foods, yes, but the other traditions are lost. No Macy's Day parade. No day of football. No Thursday off with a Friday to start your Christmas shopping engines. No papier-mache turkeys made in school and no cringe-worthy pageants of them dressed up like pilgrims. Thanksgiving will be just one of those weird holidays that Mummy likes to celebrate.

And I'll be Mummy and not Mommy. I can't explain why, but that kind of breaks me.

School will be different - the levels are called different things. They'll have forms not grades, and when they're 16 they have to choose something called O-levels, then A-levels, then hopefully university (not college, that's slightly different). Angus explains the school levels to me and I think I've caught on to them now, it's just they're all different. My kids will not go to high school. They will not have a prom. There will be no homecoming.

It's everything from the big to the little. Santa Claus is Father Christmas. Grilled cheese sandwiches have cheddar, not American slices, and surely every child has an obligation to go through that rite of passage known as the Kraft Slice. They will not know the excitement of the new NBC fall line-up. There will be no insurance co-pays, no car dealerships with giant American flags whipping in the wind and commercials that make you want to top yourself. There are no New England winters (which is ridiculous, as I've never lived in New England.) Dick Clark won't Rock the New Year's Eve and the Easter bunny is a figment of my imagination (which is probably true.) There will be no summertime fireflies caught in a jar and then released. The 4th of July-like Thanksgiving-will be one of those days that means something only to Mum.

I know that there are many wonderful, incredible things here, so if you're a native don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking England, I swear it. I love living here, I love working here, I love being here. This feels more like home than any place I have ever been in the world, and there are so many completely remarkable and fantastic aspects of this country. My kids (if I ever have them) will not have an American background, they'll have an English one.

My kids will have Guy Fawkes Day and hot cross buns and mince pies (which I love completely and utterly all December-long). My kids will be able to travel more, as living by one of the most central hubs in the world and having travel-crazy parents that get 6.5 weeks of holiday a year means that they'll get to see a lot, and that's not something to take for granted. They'll feel safer than I did-England is very child friendly and it's so amazingly safe and happy in our little house in the countryside. My kids will have family nearby and friends all over. They'll have Dora the Explorer and CBeebies and Blue Peter. They'll have pubs and double decker bus field trips and will look back with dread on the school uniforms they had (complete with neckties). They'll come from a family line on Angus' side that goes way back as natives and they'll have many wonderful and incredible adventures.

I just don't know what those adventures are. England is not my past, it's not my childhood, I have nothing to compare them to in my own personal footlocker. It makes me feel a little left out, and it makes me worry that everything I hold inside of me, all the good parts of my past, will be lost and forgotten as my family has different experiences moving on.

I don't even have kids, I'm not close to it. I know I was being hormonal as I sat there on the couch debating the future of kids I don't have. I know this is currently so far from being an issue that it's a non-issue, that there are one million more important issues that should be (and are) occupying my mind. But the loss of Slip 'N Slides, of bomb pops, of Fruity Pebbles and of Charlie Brown Thanksgiving specials...well, those stupid, ridiculous, non-sensical little things suddenly felt like a lot.

And all of it overwhelmed me and broke my heart just a little bit.

-H.

PS-I participated in an online art project called I'm Too Sad. You can see my contribution here. They're still looking for contributions, so if you're so inclined, there's a "contribute" link on the site.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:51 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment
Post contains 1794 words, total size 10 kb.

1 Your post really struck a chord. In October I will have been here for 3 years but have been feeling quite homesick recently. I was in B&Q this Saturday waiting on my boy and had picked up a magazine for outdoor furniture or something. The pictures of families outside barbecuing, etc made me think about how possible kids in our future would miss out on long hot summers filled with thunderstorms, trips to the local pool and July 4th fireworks. As you mentioned in your post - it's not that I don't love this country, it's just that I wish they could have both.

Posted by: Lee at March 26, 2007 12:09 PM (lN4Rc)

2 Helen, If that's a contest at the too sad place.....you win. Wow! You were really sad. I hope you've bounced back.

Posted by: gemma at March 26, 2007 12:16 PM (uI0c3)

3 My parents moved to the US when I was about 1 and I think they went through something similar. Being unable to share the smallest things that they loved growing up with their children. Being so foreign to the new culture their children were learning. Some how though, they found a way to expose us to some of it. And those times were always a treat for us.

Posted by: Minawolf at March 26, 2007 12:21 PM (svbR5)

4 Damn...now I want to get a bag of Chips Ahoy cookies.

Posted by: ~Easy at March 26, 2007 12:28 PM (jm+bg)

5 I left America when I was 13... so I've been in Holland for nearly 10 years now. But when I hear my friends' stories about the prom, about getting their license at 16 ... I feel so homesick. I wonder what I missed. Sure, Holland's pretty cool most of the time, but that was to be me. That was what I was going to get, things that were supposed to happen, things I was going to experience. It's weird, sometimes, and it makes me feel so homesick and sad when I think about it. My dad, who I haven't seen in 6 years, is coming this week. I wonder what he thinks, about what I missed. He always told me I couldn't get my drivers license until I could drive the tractor with trailor backwards. That never happened. Instead, for him, I grew up in this strange world that I'll be showing him. It's all so weird and complicated.

Posted by: Hannah at March 26, 2007 12:58 PM (5w+E2)

6 I appreciate what you are saying, there really are losses that you can do nothing about. Maybe it has to do with having your hypothetical children on the other team, and you feel like more and more of an outsider somehow. I felt something similar picking my children from Korea (they are adopted). The losses they face are immense, and they didn't ask for it. Something struck a chord in Malcom X's movie, "We didn't land on Plymouth rock, Plymouth rock landed on us." Or something to that effect. Our children didn't choose to be Americans they just are. I will teach them all about their Korean heritage but it will never ever be the same.

Posted by: Judi at March 26, 2007 01:06 PM (J+lNi)

7 Don't miss the co-pays! Right now I'm paying $1,200 a month (A MONTH!!) for insurance and still have a $30 co-pay anytime we visit the hospital. 10 years ago, I thought nationalized health care was a bad idea. I'm not sure how else we can do it now.

Posted by: Solomon at March 26, 2007 01:33 PM (x+GoF)

8 I absolutely love all parts of Gilmore Girls and i own all the seasons. I can't even say it's a guilty pleasure because I feel absolutely no guilt. As for the rest... it sounds like a sad realization that they won't have it exactly the way you did. The good news, though, is that when you do expose them it will feel like a treat, and instead of just passing it off as normal, it will be exciting. Or they'll just think you are weird.. but let's hope it's the first.

Posted by: Jen(aside) at March 26, 2007 02:08 PM (u973k)

9 I can totally understand what you are saying. While I am still here in America, and probably always will be, I do have two kids and one of the things I enjoy is exposing them to things from my childhood. Yes, some of that is fireworks on the Fourth, or Cool Whip out of the tub, and of course chopping down the Christmas tree in December. Yet at the end of it all, it is not what we did as much as we did it together, and we made our own, new memory. There is so much laying ahead for you and the children you may have, and the unique thing is you get to experience it with them-and truly see it through a child's eyes. Besides, you have lots of friends here State side who can send you a box of Nips or a Slip-n-Slide if you want it. Although the Slip-n-Side is never as much fun as it looks-I think I still have the grass 'burn' from last summer to prove it.

Posted by: Teresa at March 26, 2007 02:20 PM (bnQpV)

10 My Dad is from Hungary via Germany (we are mostly German) and my parents made sure my brother, sister and I experianced the culture when we were small. We took trips to see family and family came here to visit. Anyway, now we have no trouble getting our hands on German products as there is a German goods store in every town. Too bad they don't import Cheese nips and Kraft slices to the UK. Just think of all the care packages your Dad could send...and all the trips to the US with your kids to see their Grandpa. Sounds like great fun for any kid!

Posted by: Heidi at March 26, 2007 03:37 PM (AtlQP)

11 I will totally send you some Cheese Nips, Fig Newtons (they make multi-grain Fig Newtons now, you know!), and whatever else your heart desires, dear. Just let me know what you want!

Posted by: girl at March 26, 2007 03:42 PM (eCQTJ)

12 So, being somewhat of an Anglophile myself, I can tell you that I fantasize constantly about my children calling me "Mummy" and having adorable little accents and, totally unrelated, my children will always wear ridiculously adorable gaudy hats for as long as I can keep them on their heads...I'm not married, I live in Denver, there is a distinct lack of Brits here, but it will happen, oh yes, it will happen. That being said, when I was living abroad I missed all of the things you mentioned, but mostly I wanted Ranch Dressing, which is completely ridiculous because I don't eat it here. Suddenly, when Ranch dressing was no longer an option, it was all I wanted. So, chin up and enjoy the fact that you get to eat all sorts of fabulous foods that I can only dream about...

Posted by: Amanda at March 26, 2007 04:06 PM (B5c+c)

13 Any child you have, will have the coolest Auntie in the world, who will make sure they're outfitted properly with all the standard Nabisco products. And Elmo.

Posted by: statia at March 26, 2007 04:30 PM (KcrOI)

14 Dear Helen, Thank you for reminding me of all the wonderful things we have here in the good ole' U S of A. I know that wasn't your intention, but it really did take me down memory lane. As for your maybe-children. They will grow up knowing all those things. Why? Because they are a part of you. They may grow up there, but they will get to experience your American side also. How very lucky they will be, indeed! grace

Posted by: grace at March 26, 2007 05:35 PM (SlJYu)

15 Although the differences are far more subtle, I'm often homesick for the Canadian things I grew up with, and wish the American holidays were on the correct days. You will pass on all of these things to your maybe children, and they will be the richer for it.

Posted by: Donna at March 26, 2007 06:17 PM (lQSbL)

16 I tried to explain sad moments to my husband after breaking down in tears while driving home once. He sat next to me, in the passenger seat, totally flummoxed as to what he did wrong. And it was nothing - I just got sad. And cried, which I don't do often. So he chose to go thru my email and google searches to see if I had something on my mind. Do you know how stupid that is to do to a PMS'ing woman? Anyway - yeah, your kids may not grow up with those things around them all the time, but I'm just imagining you coming to the US for visits, and getting to introduce them to all those wonderful things...and having them sometimes think you're nuts, and other times think you've introduced them to godfood. And if you get that PO box, I promise to send you cheese its. They have different flavors now, did you know? They're totally addictive. But I won't send Kraft cheese, because...well...that doesn't travel well.

Posted by: Tracy at March 26, 2007 07:39 PM (rpUdy)

17 Heh, when I was in London I was amazed and delighted that one could get Cadbury Creme Eggs from a vending machine, at any time of the year instead of only Easter. And I almost broke down and bought an entire box of Crunchies...

Posted by: maolcolm at March 26, 2007 09:27 PM (lc5Ab)

18 A friend recomended your blog as I am thinking of moving to England to work. I found your sadness very enlightening as the differences that I would face if I do venture over there.

Posted by: Ivan at March 27, 2007 06:46 AM (X0r9x)

19 ...I could be confused but, as a severe Gilmore Girls addict and owner of all six seasons that are currently on DVD, I have to question one point. Wasn't it not Rory who ate the Nips, but the last person who was freeloading at the band's apartment that Zach is talking about, and that's the reason he is on her case? Aside from the Cheese Nip drama, yes! I'm from America, and I can only imagine how sad I would be to have kids and not let them buy a package of Reese's Peanut Butter cups at the grocery store, if they've been good the whole shopping trip, or have birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese, dress up as the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria for a Columbus Day parade in school by making paper boat costumes, or attend summer barbecues and wonder if the potato salad has been out too long to eat. I would be frustrated, wondering what to give them to comfort them, to bring them severe amounts of joy, to help them understand history, to reward them, or just to recognize that they're kids. That said, aren't there websites where you can order classic American junk food and toys and other fun props of an American childhood and have them shipped to you?

Posted by: Meg at March 28, 2007 03:15 PM (MaXQ4)

20 I will send you big care packages, my friend. Including chili mixes, which you ought to have anyway.

Posted by: RP at March 28, 2007 04:21 PM (LlPKh)

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