A lot's been going on over here. Not just the run of the mill, "wow, we've been fiercely arguing about our upcoming babies AND our beloved cat just died", that's just the foreground. In the background we also have garden landscaping we're doing, the architect's extension blueprints have arrived and we are agreeing draft plans, we've our finances to sort out, and it has been raining every goddamn day since early May, to the point now where the depression in our home is mighty and the flowers are literally rotting in their flower pots outside. Add a dose of Maggie entering depression (we're doing all we can to love on her), Gorby punctured his leg and needed care (I worry that any day now the RSPCA will show up and take him and Maggie away, it's just that kind of month) and the fact that Angus' kids have been here for a week (Jeff is still here for this week while Melissa's gone off to horse camp in Sweden now) and it's been a doozy.

So yeah. I've been pretty quiet, but that's only because not only can I not get access to the PC, but also because I'm frankly overwhelmed.

Melissa and Jeff are good kids. I honestly and truly love them a lot, except at 7:00 in the morning when Jeff wakes up at 10,000 mph and the house becomes a haze of noise. Then I love him a little bit less, at least until I've had a cup of coffee. The biggest problem is that they don't really get along, to the point where it makes our teeth grind and one understands why some animals eat their young. When they get into one of their moods they become so incredibly difficult that it makes me want to board a plane to somewhere, anywhere. I hear Kazakhstan is nice this time of year.

Last week we had a wobble in our household. Unusually, it wasn't had by myself or Angus. It was had by Melissa. Last Wednesday the household was up until about 2:00 am as she sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Angus handled it and I came and went with water, Tylenol, stuffed animals, and hugs.

Melissa's complaint was this: she doesn't feel part of the household. Or more specifically, she doesn't feel like she has a place where she really belongs. Being half-Swedish and half-English and living mostly in Sweden, with one weekend a month in England, makes it not easy to reconcile where she needs to be. Is she Swedish? Is she English? Is it disloyal to like one more than the other?

Back in Sweden she and Jeff have a room of her own, they have a horse, a rabbit, birds, a dog and schoolfriends. They basically live on the money Angus sends them monthly (see: ex-wife decided to stop working. See also: I'd love to complain about this but feel it's not fair to Angus, who is the one who has to support two households.) which is much more than the requirement by law but means that there's little money for extras. But Melissa says that the home they live in there is like a museum - their mother won't let them touch things, it's not a "lived-in" house. Considering at any given moment Angus and I have a project on, need to vacuum the house, and have a piece of crap furniture we haven't gotten around to replacing yet (long live Ikea), apparently our home is much more "cozy and comfortable". I take that as a compliment. I think it is one.

But the extension isn't built yet, so Melissa's bedroom doubles as a guest room. Jeff's room doubles as Angus' study. There is simply no other alternative to this, and in fact once the extension is done her room will still have to be the guest room. The truth is the guest room has been used about five times in the year we've lived here, we always make it back up for her, but because she's only here one weekend a month and space is at a premium, this is likely the way it's going to have to be.

I heard some of the problem through the walls. Some of Melissa's complaints I understand - she isn't a part of the decision-making when it comes to purchases for the home. I struggle with that one a bit, because I think that while the input of the kids is good, the decision should ultimately be up to the ones who pay the bills. But I see where she's coming from on that one. She wants to hang pictures up and decorate, which we haven't really done as the majority of the house is temporary until the extension is done, but once again I see her point. She wants to know our neighbors and our bosses. A key one is that she wants to see my Dad and stepmom, whom she calls her grandparents now, whom she's not yet met (we're working on that one) but speaks to on email and Skype, and I see those points too-how can you have grandparents you love but have never met?

She's seen how my relationship is with the other half of my family and she's terrified that will happen to her, too.

I can see that she and I need to have a quiet talk coming up.

Some parts I struggle with. She wants to speak better English but doesn't want "Helen's American speech to ruin her English". I try hard not to take that personally, to just understand it's part of what's affecting her - Americans are unpopular with her mother. I am even more so. I can see why she wants to ensure that her speech isn't peppered with Americanisms, even though I'm getting pretty sick and fucking tired of being made fun of for the way I talk, even so-called light banter can get to be too much. She wants to be a part of all of the decorating of the home, but I feel in some ways that since she doesn't live here and is going off to school in three years, that we should have free reign to decorate the house as we're the ones living here. As long as we don't mark off the house with pentograms and chicken heads, it should be ok, and she has creative control over her bedroom (unless she wants to paint it orange. Then I'm going to try to intervene. Any color but orange.)

But one big complaint struck home with me, and I feel pretty mixed up.

One of her complaints is that she's crazy about me and wants me to be a mother to her, but I don't do mother-type things with her.

That one broke my heart.

Mostly because it was true.

It's true, I don't treat her like a daughter. I didn't want to, I didn't want to overstep my bounds. Her parents' divorce was a hard and difficult thing on the kids, something which has had severe impacts on them in large ways - Melissa walks a diplomatic battlefield, Jeff is a hypochondriac - and the idea that anything I could say or do might add to that fills me with terror. Although we hear plenty of bad things that get said about us, both Angus and I never, ever say derogatory things about the ex, even when I am/we are furious about her behavior. I'm not saying this to make us look like saints. I'm saying this because we both know what it's like to be caught in the middle of the ugliest tug-of-war known to man, we don't want to tighten the rope any more than it already is.

I don't treat Melissa like a daughter, even though I love her like one. She is a Daddy's girl through and through, and I didn't want her to think I was coming in and usurping her mother or trying to take away her father, I didn't want her to think of me as a threat or a challenge or some domineering bitch who wrecked a family and then tried to replace her mum. I wanted to be the non-threatening person on the sidelines. I wanted to be the friend.

She sees me not being a mother figure as a sign I won't love her as much as I'll love the twins.

In wanting to not overstep the bounds I undershot the mark and wound up hurting her.

I feel terrible.

Of course I love her. Of course I think of her as a daughter. I want to talk to her about school and boys, I want to tell her to put her dirty dishes in the dishwasher, I want to tell her to not speak to her father like that, please (sometimes when he asks her to stop picking on her brother she says "No!" back to Angus. It drives me fucking crazy when that happens, I'm of the old-fashioned "children do not tell their parents 'no'" party.) I want to watch films with her and lecture her to please tidy up and talk about history with her and travel with her.

Both Angus and I come from step-parent families, and both of us struggled with our step-parents. I was so eager to not make the same mistakes that I made all new ones. I don't phone up the kids to talk to them, and that hurts them. Although I tell them goodnight when they're here, I don't tuck them in like their dad does because I thought it was a special ritual they had only with their dad. I do tend to overdo taking care of meals and such, but I do that regardless of if they're here or not.

She felt left out. The upcoming babies are almost certainly not helping, and we will redouble our efforts to reassure Melissa and Jeff and make them feel secure and well-loved. I know how badly it felt to be so unsettled, to not belong, to feel like a stranger in a strange family and to feel like there was someone else who took emotional precedence. I would do anything to not have Melissa feel that way.

On Thursday I had to go to London for a customer meeting, one I simply couldn't miss. Melissa was taking a lunchtime flight home and I wouldn't be going with Angus to take her to the airport. As I put my things into my briefcase, I looked at her while she surfed the computer.

"I know we need to talk," I say hesitantly. "And we will. When we pick you guys up in Glasgow in a month, you and I will sit down and talk, ok?" And we shall. I'll tell her my background, why there's no chance in hell that what happened to my family will happen with her, and why it seems I am not interested in being a mother to her.

She nods, looking at me.

I smile at her. "I love you, you know. I'm going to miss you."

She reaches out and we hug. "I love you too," she says.

"I haven't answered you on Skype because I thought you wanted to talk to your Daddy only," I say. "How about this-I'd love to talk to you, and if you want to Skype and talk to me, what if you sent me some kind of coded chat message? Like, 'Dogs barking, can't fly without umbrella?' kind of thing? Then I'll know you want to talk to me and I'll be happy to call you."

She brightens. "That'll be cool!"

And I will find some way, with her, to walk that fragile tightrope of treating her like a daughter without disrespecting her mother.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:26 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 1977 words, total size 10 kb.

1 I am continually in awe of your insight and sensitivity when it comes Angus' kids. I have been a reader for a long time now, about 3 years I think and I think its wonderful how your relationship has grown and changed. I remember you writing about your trip to Hawaii I think it was and saying how afraid you felt that these children might end up disliking you because children can be like that sometimes. I just wanted to commend you, I know I am a random stranger in the computer but what you are doing is such a tough job and I think you are definitely qualified for it! Its hard putting everyone else ahead of yourself, I hope you get some downtime soon.....

Posted by: Sarah at June 25, 2007 09:47 AM (y1pJp)

2 You are walking a tight rope, but the fact that you make an effort is evident. It easily could have gone the other way, as kids can some times be hot then cold.... you could have been calling or interjecting and she could have found you the evil step mom. You do the best you can. Good for you for consoling her before she left, at least she'll know that she can talk to you and that you want to spend time with her. Good job mum.

Posted by: Angela at June 25, 2007 11:50 AM (DGWM7)

3 *heh* "Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella" Sheer genius. Things will be OK. It sounds like the kids both love you very much, and from what you've said I think you're handling things just fine. Here's the really scary part. Everything that you've learned about childreaering from dealing with Jeff & Melissa will go right out the window with the twins. Kids are all different, and there's no owner's manual. PS- The moon is full. Bring a life jacket.

Posted by: ~Easy at June 25, 2007 12:08 PM (X+de8)

4 Oh goodness, Helen, I am so with you on this. My step-daughter is 10. And the egg donor has many times in the past expressed displeasure with me, because, frankly, step-daughter would rather be with me and her dad than with the egg donor and the moron she married. Egg donor sent step-daughter to Colombia for the summer. Step-daughter is miserable down there. She updated her blog yesterday, and I was very amused when she wrote that the first thing she wants to eat when she comes home is something I cook for her. Inside, I was thinking, "In your face, egg donor!" It's hard to be a parent while trying not to overstep boundaries and irritate the biological parent. Hang in there, honey. Sounds like you're taking the right steps.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at June 25, 2007 01:22 PM (+MvHD)

5 Being a step-parent is probably the most difficult thing I've tried to do and I really have failed miserably. In trying to walk that line between 'mom' and outsider, I've only succeeded in pushing them away. Even now, I find myself incapable of advising or nagging... or... there's an entire list. The girls, all grown now, are more like friends I hold at arm's length than daughters. Trust me; YOU are doing a superb job as a step mom!

Posted by: pam at June 25, 2007 01:35 PM (l6NIn)

6 No one can blame you for how you've acted with the kids. Chances are it was going to go one way or the other. Either they'd resent your intrusion or feel a bit hurt at your standing off. I think this way is a bit better you know? Better to want something and not have it than to have something and resent the hell out of it. And honestly, it's probably BEACAUSE you have tried to be respectful and stand back that she now loves you so much. You gave her the space she needed and now she's letting you know she's ready to close the gap. She's old enough to understand when you explain to her why you've stood back and now can help mold the relationship she wants. I applaud you for being such a good mother to them and think this is a wonderful thing!

Posted by: donna at June 25, 2007 01:36 PM (Kco5r)

7 You don't need advice, as you have a handle on the problem. You really are in a catch 22 situation with Melissa, and I understand completely your not wanting to usurp her mother's place. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't - and her hormones probably play a part in all of it as well. My daughter has a similar situation with her 3 step-sons, but they live with her, so it is easier in a way. I suspect that when you sit down to talk to her, you will be able to explain it in a way that she will accept - and see that you really do love her - but you do have to walk a tightrope in the way that you show it. Brothers and sisters rarely get along well until they are grown, and even then they might not. I sense that Melissa feels powerless in her mother's home and in yours. That is hard for a young girl, even when she lives in an intact family home. She will probably grow out of that soon. I wish you luck with her and with your other problems, but as intelligent and introspective as you are - I also have no doubt you can get through it all.

Posted by: kenju at June 25, 2007 01:40 PM (DBvE5)

8 i understand that tightrope walk more than you know (step-monster, here). all you can do is take your cues from the kids, and what they want from you. and sometimes it's hard as hell to know what that is. and sometimes their mom will get pissed when the kids want to spend time with you. that's just the way it is. but i wish you a thick skin when it comes to their mom, and i hope you find that line that works for you. and if you want to talk about it sometime, let me know.

Posted by: becky at June 25, 2007 02:28 PM (jv5jW)

9 i understand that tightrope walk more than you know (step-monster, here). all you can do is take your cues from the kids, and what they want from you. and sometimes it's hard as hell to know what that is. and sometimes their mom will get pissed when the kids want to spend time with you. that's just the way it is. but i wish you a thick skin when it comes to their mom, and i hope you find that line that works for you. and if you want to talk about it sometime, let me know. (sorry if this multiple posts. mu.nu is saying there's a problem with comments.)

Posted by: becky at June 25, 2007 02:39 PM (jv5jW)

10 Oh my goodness. I was rolling right along, coming up with words of advice from one step-parent to another, reminders that parenting relationships evolve and develop on their own and that there was no way to tell a few years ago (seriously - a few YEARS already?) how things would be right now, etcetera, etcetera... then I got to the part about a secret code. It's genius - shoots everything I was going to say right in the butt and makes it completely irrelevant. You so totally have a handle on this step-parenting thing you don't need a single bit of advice from anyone. Go you. Awesome.

Posted by: Lisa at June 25, 2007 04:11 PM (e8V7B)

11 These things you have set to blogdom here, you need to tell her. Tell her exactly these things, that in trying not to overstep you undershot. Tell her all of it, and she may understand. You have done a great job of explaining it here and will do a fine job when talking with her. You are a fabulous step-"parent". Jeff, Melissa and soon the twins are all lucky to have you!

Posted by: oddybobo at June 25, 2007 04:20 PM (mZfwW)

12 Seems like a replay of my daughter's teenage years. I think it's just the age. You're doing what you can, so be good to yourself!

Posted by: Annette at June 25, 2007 04:53 PM (sWBD+)

13 Helen, I first emailed you however long ago before I even started my blog about your relationship with Melissa. You had written a beautiful, touching post about how you wanted to be there for her for many things, but that there were things that were better for a Mother. I was amazed at your insight then, as I am now. I guess it seems that perhaps you are indeed a Mother and not just a stepmother. What an accomplishment. The way she describes her house combined with the way you describe her mother make it clear why she wants to have you. You haven't done it wrong, just not the way that was best for her. It seems a huge part of parenting is adapting and changing in response to what the kids indicate they need. And you have done that beautifully. Hang in there, Melissa and Jeff are lucky to have you.

Posted by: sophie at June 25, 2007 05:50 PM (1HOa8)

14 Don't feel terrible, please. I look back now on all the times I felt terrible as a mom, or as a future MIL to my son's fiance, and I realize...it did no good. (This doesn't keep me from continuing to feel terrible on occasion but it does allow me to tell *others* not to feel terrible, hehehe...) It'll all work out. You'll see. I have to say, I sympathize with Melissa having a mom who's super-anal about the house. My mom turned into that kind of person after she married my stepdad. I wasn't allowed to decorate my own room, or even go INTO our kitchen to make a damn sandwich. Very constricting. Good for you that you guys are trying to make up for that. Just keep loving her. Kids can never have *too many* people to love them, as you know. Love the secret password idea.

Posted by: The other Amber at June 25, 2007 06:14 PM (zQE5D)

15 FWIW, I think you're a great Mom to them both, and the proof of that is that upset as she is, Melissa still reaches out to you for love and hugs. I know it's tough, and so far you are doing great. I know you'll be able to make her understand.

Posted by: caltechgirl at June 25, 2007 06:24 PM (qPLLC)

16 When my father and I were having issues communicating in my teenage years, a therapist suggested we get a blank book and write back and forth to one another in it. That way, we could be open and candid and know that our feelings were heard and read without interruption or emotions getting in the way. We only talked about it if we expressed within the book that it was okay. It actually really helped us out. And hey--if you think on it, send me some info on M&J re: colours, likes, dislikes, etc. I'll make them up their own little doodads like I'm doing for the lemonheads. :-)

Posted by: Ms. Pants at June 25, 2007 06:30 PM (+p4Zf)

17 Oh, Helen. I don't remember you saying how old Melissa is, but good god, would she like a transatlantic penpal? My daughter is 13 and I've had so many discussions JUST LIKE THAT with her. Discussions where I've said all the right things over and over and nothing is the right thing to say because really, she's just being 13 and she needs a good cry for a bit and somebody just to listen and to know you're really there and care enough to be there for her. My daughter's thing is that I married last year, and so now our household that used to be just us for 10 years is now her, and me, and my husband, and his 3 kids. It's a tough change. But just being there means so much. No matter how frustrating the teen tears can be.

Posted by: Tracy at June 25, 2007 08:08 PM (zv3bS)

18 Ain't being a step-parent fun? I know you don't need me to tell you this, but I like your style of handling the Melissa situation, because that is exactly how I would handle it. Hell, I think you're handling things better than I would have (or already did, in the case of my own family). I really admire your refusal to diss their mother in front of them, too many people don't seem to realize how harmful such a thing is to mixed-family relationships. I consider it the Prime Directive of step-parenting: no matter how worthless the biological parents are, never badmouth them in front of the kids. Let the kids grow up and decide for themselves how to feel about their parents. And I'd rather undershoot than overshoot boundaries - it's much easier to move forward than to backtrack. A good heart-to-heart talk should settle things, or at least make them more clear. I love posts like this - seeing how you handle family situations that I too have had to deal with.

Posted by: diamond dave at June 25, 2007 09:04 PM (VRvom)

19 Uh yeah-can't give any good advice here. I never had step-parents, am not one, and my kids are still young enough that saying loudly "I am counting to ten...." sends them running to it by the count of 3. But I do think that the very fact you are able to talk about it-not yell and scream about it-and that you are going to work on resolving it together says a lot. And my 2 cents? You are doing a great job. Hang in there.

Posted by: Teresa at June 25, 2007 09:32 PM (waHhf)

20 Your insitincts and heart have brought you to this wonderful place, where your stepchildren want MORE of you and a deeper place of belonging in your home and family. That's amazing. And I LOVE your approach, your thought process, your responses. And am especially in awe of watching you finding a way to balance it all, in such incredibly stressful days, in the damn rain, with two people doing free-interpretive ballet in your belly. AWE, woman. A-W-E.

Posted by: Elizabeth Blair York at June 26, 2007 12:55 PM (Pcq9x)

21 If anyone can pull this off, YOU can.

Posted by: sue at June 26, 2007 06:36 PM (WbfZD)

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