For the locals not watching Brothers and Sisters on E4, you may want to skip this post.

I've had a rough 24 hours over here-the third trimester symptoms continue. The contractions are strong and I bought a blood pressure monitor yesterday which is showing the highest numbers so far. I spend time hanging face down over a beanbag, as it's the only way to draw a complete breath. I'm not hungry anymore but get myself to eat a bowl of yogurt or a decent lunch in a way of staving off any problems. The lack of sleep is making me crazy and distorting my emotions. I slept from 3 am to 6 am last night, and the reflection in the mirror is of someone I don't recognize anymore, not in face, not in body, not in the eyes. My doctor's appointment is in 3 hours, and I was gearing myself up to beg for help, only I find there's nothing to gear up. I'm ready to beg.

I'm finishing out the end of Season 1 of Brothers and Sisters here. Last night in the wee small hours of the morning I started an episode called Favorite Son. If you haven't been following the show and want to, or else are living locally and watching it on Channel 4, look away now as there are a few spoilers I'll be getting into.

I've complained bitterly about the show before - I love it, I really do, but the inaccuracies of an ultrasound scene in the show was too much for me once. This episode was rather the same - the episode before it had Julia, a woman pregnant with fraternal boy/girl IUI twins went into labor. She apparently had two contractions, her water broke, she started to push and suddenly her twins were immediately born in the kitchen, with aid from her military medic brother-in-law. You know. As you do.

This prompted outrage from me. From my courtside couch throne I shouted and ranted at the TV, things along the lines of "That would never happen on a first pregnancy! The doctors tell me it will take hours and hours!", accompanied with "There would be more panic at 29 weeks! I remember 29 weeks! I remember those statistics!" and "That lucky fucking bitch!"

I got pregnant at nearly the same time as a number of other IVF twin blogger moms. All but one of them have now given birth. I check on them with care and happiness, I really do, but if I'm honest I also look on them with envy. All of the "when you meet them, it will be great"s and the "it's so worth it"s and the "your babies will change your life in the most extraordinary way"s are there, they're real, they're visible to these women who took shots the same days I did, who cried as many tears as I have, who had as many hopes as I do.

In Favorite Son, at 29 weeks they somehow made it to the hospital, where Julia's babies lingered in NICU. They tell her one fragile twin must donate a kidney to the other failing twin. More shouting ensues at the TV - it's too Hollywood, I can't see that event happening in the industrial magnolia painted hallways of my hospital. Things like that don't happen! I am outraged. This is ridiculous. It doesn't work like this. It doesn't happen like this.

And the parents decide not to risk their daughter for the life of their son.

And their son, he dies.

They named him William, which was a name on our list, too.

And I go from outraged screaming fanatic to complete crying soggy mess in the space of 5 minutes.

I know it's hormones and Hollywood, those two dreadful combinations. I know it's TV. I know it's a storyline designed to make me cry, and it does. I also know I'm a very easy target - I give money monthly to the RSPCA, the WSPA and Dog's Trust, because all you have to do is show me a picture of a chained dancing bear or a dog beaten within an inch of its life and I'm a fucking disaster area of tears and outrage and Gorby never knows what hits him as when I see one of those commercials I am promptly on the floor with him, hugging him and promising him that "Mama will never, ever let anyone hurt you again!" His general reaction is something along the lines of "Got any puppy treats, Mama? And maybe you shouldn't be watching any more daytime TV."

But the entire pregnancy has had some kind of echo like this - I once watched a documentary on twins and when the mother found her twins were, actually, dead inside of her at 20 weeks I cried and worried until I passed 20 weeks myself then somehow it was ok, I wouldn't be like her, my twins lived past 20 weeks. When another mother lost her twins to food poisoning from undercooked steak, I shuddered in relief. I don't eat meat. That wouldn't happen to the Lemonheads.

I think pregnant women mark the days by superstition. Get past this point, get beyond that timeline. But when you get past one there's another waiting for you to clear. And now that I'm so close, there is only the hallmark of birth to jump over, and I am so incredibly uncomfortable all I can think about is the extraction of my two little occupants. It doesn't occur to me that something bad might happen, because I simply have blind faith (for once! It's amazing! It's like a drug!) that nothing bad will happen.

But when I'm reminded that there are still boogeymen in the dark corners I stop feeling so miserable and try to hold on to this moment. I cried like a baby as the twin son died on TV, while inside my own son kicked me hard, his way of saying "Got any cranberry juice, Mommy? And maybe you shouldn't be watching any more daytime TV."

I pet my stomach and apologize for being so angry. I promise him that if they'll just come out, I'll look out for them and take care of them. I'm an emotional disaster area right now and the exhaustion is making it worse.

Forgive me - I'm currently a train wreck.

Doctor's appointment in three hours.

Until then, I'll just read my book. Books are good.

-H.

PS - The webpage remains open for guessing the possible birthdates and sizes.

PPS- J in CA (I don't want to detail any more, in case you want to remain anonymous!) - a delivery man literally just dropped off the travel cot from our Wishlist. Thank you very, very much. The Lemonheads need one as we'll be visiting grandparents and need to take a bed with us to ensure their routine stays on course. I'm very grateful!

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:20 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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1 good luck at the doctors abs x

Posted by: abs at October 02, 2007 08:41 AM (pejJ8)

2 I hope there is a Dr out there this morning who has had his/her coffee, had a great commute to work, received a phone call that cheered them up and so as a result, is in the right mood to make the right decision for you! Thinking of you.

Posted by: Super Sarah at October 02, 2007 08:49 AM (HiUoN)

3 I would never say that it's "hormones". Certain death lies down that path for a man. All of that superstition is part of being a parent. The terror can overwhelm you if you let it. Stupid TV shows or movies can fill you with fear/rage at the drop of the hat. Any news stories involving children fill you with a new dread. You'll see other parents and think "I'll never do that" or" I'd never allow my kid to do that". All of this stuff really never goes away completely, but it does fade into a background noise that will allow you to live your life. As I've said many times, but it bears repeating: You're going to be a great mom. Wait...that's wrong. You ARE a great mom.

Posted by: ~Easy at October 02, 2007 10:57 AM (WdRDV)

4 I feel your pain and frustration Helen. I begged my OB for induction when we were moving. Cleatus was delivered 5 days before our packers came. I just know the next post you write will be to tell us the date and time for the Lemonheads eviction.

Posted by: Anita at October 02, 2007 11:19 AM (jf+QZ)

5 Helen, I don't comment often, preferring to lurk in the background, but wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you and wishing for some easing to the frustrations you're going through, especially the lack of sleep. I know that would be what would put me over the edge if I were you. You can make it and it will be worth it, I'm sure. (And you will sleep again once they come...)

Posted by: martha at October 02, 2007 01:20 PM (r2TXL)

6 just swinging by to see if there is any news?! abs x

Posted by: abs at October 02, 2007 01:35 PM (pejJ8)

7 Hoping for great news from the doctors today. I agree the lack of sleep would do me in and I hope you will get/have gotten by now the news of a date for the arrival of the babies. I completely agree with this statement, "I think pregnant women mark the days by superstition." and will add that it might just apply to life with children a little bit as well. Just the other night I watchd an episode of a favorite show one night in which a child my youngest's age was murdered horribly and dumped in a place he wasn't allowed to be so that it would appear the older neighborhood kids lured him in there and then killed him. Awful! The next day my son takes off with a couple of friends when he was supposed to be at one of their houses and didn't make it home until after dark - and after a search of the neighborhood in the car! I was terrified, hit the floor on my knees hugging him and telling him I would just *die* if anything happened to him... his reaction was to look at me with those big, brown eyes, undoubtedly thinking along the lines of, "What's for dinner, Mom, I'm hungry... and maybe you'd better not watch TV anymore." LOL! Sorry to steal your line but it's brilliant and fits all too well. That feeling never *completely* goes away but as Easy (?I think?) said it does get less crippling over time. I'm a big help, no? Best wishes for good news today! Maybe you should do something like schedule a pregnancy massage or a photo session for maternity pictures - either one might help get things going, if for no other reason than to mess up plans. So I've heard, anyway, since I never did either one. Hang in there - not long now either way and I'm so PROUD of you and the babies for making it to October!

Posted by: Lisa at October 02, 2007 01:46 PM (EcHBm)

8 In my birthing class we only had 5 other couples and us. At the end of the course, we all got a copy of each other's address so we could send birth announcements, and we wrote out due dates next to our addy. I was the second due in the class, Sept. 16. When I got the fifth announcement and I was still pregnant at the end of September, I locked myself in the bedroom and sat on the bed and cried like a baby for hours. Looking back on it I feel like an ass-no woman is pregnant forever-but at the time I was angry, scared, and just plain sick and tired of being pregnant. Finally on October 2nd I had my baby girl. Two weeks after the last couple in the class. FYI-that hormone thing? I think it worsens over time. To this day there is very few shows/movies/news stations I can watch without bawling. If anything starts up with kids and/or animals, I am a weeping mess.

Posted by: Teresa at October 02, 2007 01:51 PM (KRmzG)

9 Keeping fingers crossed for the doctor being cooperative... Ah, hormones and lack of sleep. Both are gut-kickers. It can put me over the edge watching a Hallmark commercial some days! You're doing great. Hang in there. They're coming soon!

Posted by: sue at October 02, 2007 02:03 PM (WbfZD)

10 I had the smae blind faith that all would be well in only one pregnancy - my middle son. He is the joy of my life. No kidding. (I love his younger and older brothers as much - it's just different.) I also echo Theresa - I can barely get through a Kleenex commercial without bawling. Of course, you know, I'm having other issues with hormones. Heh. Still over here looking pretty silly in my cheerleading outfit and pom pons. Still (forever) rooting for you, my sweet! xoxo

Posted by: Margi at October 02, 2007 05:02 PM (wpu3a)

11 That book made me giggle a lot. I hope you're enjoying it

Posted by: geeky at October 02, 2007 05:46 PM (ziVl9)

12 I adore Brothers and Sisters... but that plot line made me alternately scream in rage and bawl my head off. As every single preemie storyline does, it seems. (In case you're wondering, ER gets the sounds and atmosphere of the NICU right; Grey's Anaotmy, for all that I adore it, very much does not. Clearly they need to hire me as a consultant.) Off to read the next post and see what you learned at the doctor's!

Posted by: Sarah at October 02, 2007 06:25 PM (gZ16B)

13 Damn... my rss reader lied to me... I thought there was more news. Ah well... best of luck today!

Posted by: Sarah at October 02, 2007 06:26 PM (gZ16B)

14 I wish that they would put some warnings on some shows these days, although I suppose there is a lot that triggers people into panic and it would end up being an hour of warnings. I had started watching Brothers and Sisters when it started but the husband was eternally bored witht he show and wanted Callista Flockhart to eat a cheeseburger or 6. I made the mistake of turning the channel there the Sunday night that Favorite Son was on. I could see what was coming and turned the channel. Even though I missed the whole dying baby scene I was still shattered. I love House more than I love Ranch dressing ... but if I see in the episode guide that there will be sick kids I make alternative plans. You've jumped as many hurdles as you need to and you'll be in good hands for the next week or so. OK, I lied, there are more hurdles. Kids make you jump through them all the time and sometimes it feels like your legs just might give out, but then they do something that makes it all go away. Love ya, mean it!

Posted by: Michele at October 02, 2007 06:28 PM (h1vml)

15 I really wanted to warn you of baby Williams death but couldnt do it. Im sorry if you would have wanted me to tell you not to watch since we are into season 2 here now. It made me sick to my stomach. Your lemons are in good shape so take comfort in that, You are the one going thru the pain and the problems while they thrive.. in typical anything for my babe's Mama fashion. Hope your dr appt went well and they have set an induction date for you. Looking forward to your next post.

Posted by: Christina at October 03, 2007 12:30 AM (cu+y1)

16 You'll like season 2 as well. Just sayin', is all. I remember marking the milestones during my wife's first pregnancy. I didn't stop until I held my son in my arms. My guess is that you'll do the same. I'm so sorry that you're suffering right now. Not having a uterus myself, I don't have any words of wisdom to offer. All I have to give you is my sympathy and affection. Feel better and have babies. Soon. Very soon.

Posted by: physics geek at October 03, 2007 03:34 AM (vKMFv)

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