France was good. But Calais, she is not a beautiful place (apologies if I'm offending anyone from Calais.) Calais is simply a port town where the boats and the Eurotunnel come in, and it's swimming with French people fed up with dealing with the English who've come there to buy alcohol. Angus, Jeff and I hit a shopping center where we stocked up on our favorites - good mustard, olive oil, chocolates, cheese (we went running into the cheese aisle, weeping with joy and love), and my favorite, a candy I call Dragonballs.

Then we hit the liquor store.

Hard.

We bought 78 bottles of wine, 52 bottles of beer, and a bottle of very good single malt whiskey (Ballachulish, for those who like the nectar of life.)

Then we hopped a train home and unpacked it all. We went to bed and yesterday, despite our attempts to change his flight so he could stay longer, Jeff flew home (Scandinavian Airlines sucks. Has to be said.) We waved goodbye as he was escorted to the plane (he's underage so when he flies alone he takes the unaccompanied minor service, complete with the embarrassing neck pouch he has to wear) and now the house is quiet. We have a lot to do - work got neglected, emails need to be answered, the house looks like Martha Stewart's biggest fucking nightmare, and the project that Angus and Jeff have been working on - ripping out the diseased hedges in the front and building a fence - is only partly done because there's only so much you can do in the rain.

A lot has been going on. I realized the other night that I'm actually not doing too well - my hair continues to come out in chunks in the shower, to the point now where I'm actually worried I am losing too much hair. I've been downing Tums like the bottle may have a golden ticket to the Wonka factory in it. I thought it was all part of being the Lemonheads' personal transportation, but with the appearance of ass bleed the other night it appears that actually, my body is telling me it's pretty fucking stressed out.

I downloaded th Editors new album, and now I'm sitting in my study (the next room to be terrorized by Angus and Helen's Great Renovation Project of 2007) and think about everything I'm thinking and feeling.

It's all a little too big, even for someone whose shoulders are as broad as mine.

I've had a lot churning around inside of me, things that perpetrate the enormous mistakes I made when I was younger, as well as the mistakes that were made against me. I don't mean that in a "sobbing on Oprah's couch blaming my inability to hold down a job based on my father's alcoholism" kind of way, but mistakes in my life are common, and some of them are my own and some of them aren't. But I'm someone that doesn't like thinking about the past, I'd rather the past was just a bit of white noise while I change the channel to understand what's going on now. This applies to everything, from walking to school as a 6 year-old to loving Kim to those hot humid Texas summers where I looked up at the sky and wondered where it all went from here. All of those things are uncomfortable and lightly mocking. My mistakes tremble on the ground before me like hot coals.

The things bothering me are hot and varied. The incident with Melissa weighs on my mind, but it's safely on the "we can fix this" list. I think she and I can fix this, we just need to talk. I do also think a small part of it is adolescent hormones and turmoil, but I'm not dismissing the seriousness of her feelings because of that.

One of my current stresses is that Angus' ex is causing us huge issues. Her behavior and statements are well and truly out of control now. The night before Melissa had to go home last week, she got a message from her mother that she should take a cab from the airport, let herself inside the house, and her mother would see her in the morning. Her mother had a last minute trip to another country, so Melissa would be home alone.

All night long.

At age 14.

And this is much, much too uncomfortable for me. I remember being home alone at age 14 all night long. I would sit up in the living room and watch the same Betamax tape again and again and again. I would watch the door. I would listen for my sister, asleep in the other room. And I would wait. I hated it, and I'm not trying to project myself into Melissa's life, but I've got this to say - I'm not a mother. I don't know the first thing how hard it is to be a mother. I can't imagine being a divorced mother of two hoping to find something to raise you up out of the mundane sadness of needing something just for yourself.

But you don't leave your 14 year-old home alone all night long.

Ever.

And I may not be a mother but I call bullshit on that happening.

We couldn't change her flight, so off Melissa went. Angus phoned her constantly, to the point where Melissa was getting annoyed with the phone calls and she was just fine anyway, completely unphased by the whole thing. Angus was angry and upset that if there was an emergency, both of her parents were not only not nearby, they were both out of the goddamn country. And yes, we agree that there may be things occurring in the furute where an overnight alone may happen, but for God's sake arrange for some adult friend to come stay over or something.

Don't leave a kid alone all night, in the dark, wondering.

The ex has done a number of things lately to really fuck me off, but I won't go into them here. I really don't want her attacked on this blog, because it only tears Angus up, so I'm trying to be as neutral as possible.

We're all - Angus, his kids, and Angus' mother, brothers, and sisters-in-law, who all have contact with the ex-wife - tiptoeing around the ex right now because she hasn't been told about the babies yet. Angus has been discussing regularly with Melissa and Jeff as to when and how to tell her. He consults them because they're the ones who have to live with her. He consults with them because he wants to be sensitive to their needs and feelings. He consults with them because her reaction to our engagement was extremely negative, as you can imagine.

And when she finds out about the babies, we all have no doubt that it will be incredibly ugly.

But all three of them have agreed that she'll be told in the next few weeks. They've picked a specific damage-limitation time that is best for them. Angus will tell her himself, and then will be there for everyone in a supportive capacity. I think we're all pretty stressed out about it-Melissa, Jeff and Angus don't want to see her hurt. Angus and I worry about how she'll take it out on the kids and his family. And I worry that once more, the Lemonheads are something associated with great unhappiness.

Angus got a mail from his brother Adam two days ago that has further sent me into orbit. I like his brother, I really do, even when he's being a dick and telling me my unbaptized children will go to hell if they die. He's done this before, emailed and stepped in and tried to intervene on behalf of the family. He did it again, but this time he's wound me up no end.

In his email he pressured Angus to tell the ex now. Like, NOW. He further went on to say that he thinks the ex-wife will make it difficult for Angus to see Melissa and Jeff when she finds out, and that they have regular contact with her and get told all the details of the dramas in her life. Also? She may not be so cooperative in helping Angus with things like "doing the dirty laundry when the kids come back from visiting you".

THAT. That was the straw. That was the sentence.

I accept he has ultra-conservative views about marriage and the baptism of our babies. I accept that he and his wife have contact with the evil ex and don't defend Angus when she goes on an embellished rampage (she loves to bang on about money, and how she has none. Angus pays a huge sum of child support, plus buys clothes and extras for both the kids AND the ex-she sends over grocery requests every time they come over and he buys them for her and sends them back. If she's so upset about money, maybe she shouldn't have done things like buy a horse, spent a month's salary on a pedigree puppy, or, oh, I dunno, quit her job?) I accept that his family would love to know the details of the split-up from Angus, who (like me in my real life) is a very private person and doesn't talk about the details. I even accept that I am still painted as the Bride of Satan and Angus is, by extension, Satan.

But in saying that I would ever send his kids home with a suitcase of dirty clothes?

That's the fucking step too far.

It's not such a big deal, that statement. Dirty laundry, what a tiny thing to hit out on. But it's a monkier for the bigger picture, which is this: I'm not as good a mother as Angus' ex.

I know they think it. I know it. And it's not a competition or anything, but for Christ's sake, can you give a girl a chance here?

Lemme' clue you in on something here, Adam-NOT ONCE have Melissa and Jeff gone home with dirty clothes. They always return with their clothes freshly laundered and smelling like sun-fucking-dappled pools. Always. Have they shown up here with dirty clothes? You betcha'. More than once something they unpacked went straight into the washing machine (but I just think kids find laundry really boring and unimportant, I chalk it up to a kid thing, not a bad parenting thing.)

I may not be great at dusting. I may procrastinate at ironing clothes until the pile is registering for its own island status. But never, ever have those kids gone without care, love, and housekeeping while they've been here. And I will never leave my 14 year-old kid home alone all night.

I can accept that his family may view me as the flighty, mentally ill, unreliable soul that the ex wife paints me as, someone incapable of looking after Angus' children. And I do worry that I'm not being a good stepmother and that I won't be a good mother. If I wasn't worried, wouldn't that be a bad sign? Didn't Mommy Dearest run around thinking she was the bomb when it came to motherhood? Does that mean I should go get the toothbrushes and the wire hangers, will I be a good mother then?

You can call me a home wrecker.

You can label me as someone with psychological issues.

But don't you ever tell me that Angus' kids aren't looked after when they're here.

Angus very calmly and clearly spelled a lot of things out for his brother in a reply email, including defending our care of the children and the throw-away dirty laundry remark. He thanked him for his concern, but told him that he and his kids - the ones who are the biggest involved parties - are handling how to tell the ex-wife about the babies.

But this, along with many other enormous stresses, hangs over my head. When she finds out it's going to be very, very bad. I do actually wish that she didn't feel bad, but we all know it's coming.

Until it happens, I have Tums.

Tums, and my outrageous burning anger that will be addressed with Adam when I see him next weekend.

-H.

PS-if you do comment, please don't attack Angus' ex-wife. She is the mother of his kids, and attacks on her do give him conflict and I understand that. I discussed this post with him beforehand and he's ok with me posting it, so let's not pile on and have a go.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:41 AM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
Post contains 2122 words, total size 12 kb.

1 Helen, I got nothing except a long distance electronic hug for you. But you're one of the strongest persons that I've never met, so I know that you'll be fine.

Posted by: physics geek at June 29, 2007 11:59 AM (MT22W)

2 First, how the hell did you get all those booze home? I'm looking at the picture of the boxes and going...wow... they must all be going to the gym to carry those suckers home! Secondly, you are all in a tough situation.My best wishes to you all, I hope that the announcement doesn't go as bad as your all expecting... but I'm sending hugs to you all, and little rubs for the lemonheads anyway.

Posted by: Angela at June 29, 2007 12:12 PM (DGWM7)

3 Angus has my sympathies for the tightrope he's walking in all of this. I'm gussing that's about a weeks worth of alcohol for him? *lol* Criticism of your parenting skills is something that comes with the territory. In the end, the opinions of 5 people besides yourself are the only ones that matter. Every one else can go take a flying fuck. I'm not sure you should even confront Adam. You won't change his mind. I think it might be more productive to just bang your head on a rock for 5 minutes.

Posted by: ~Easy at June 29, 2007 12:30 PM (X+de8)

4 Yep, I think it's a good thing you're worried about being a good mom. Because of it, I think you'll do a great job. Everything will work out in the end, that's the way it goes.

Posted by: Hannah at June 29, 2007 12:38 PM (5w+E2)

5 Angela - luckily, we have a 7 seater car. So 4 of the seats disappeared under a haze of rattling bottles! Easy - I think it might be more productive to just bang your head on a rock for 5 minutes. That was the laugh I needed today. Thanks for that.

Posted by: Helen at June 29, 2007 12:43 PM (prbIf)

6 This completely aside from what most of your post is about -- how do you get all of the lovely stuff you bought home?!

Posted by: Dotty at June 29, 2007 12:48 PM (KJE2B)

7 Helen, As someone who has the most wonderful stepmother anyone can imagine, and by the same token, a horrid stepfather, I can tell you that you became a mother the moment you let Angus's kids into your life. You've been a mother for that long. Never doubt that. And as Hannah said, the fact that you are worried about being a good mom is a sure sign of that. All four of those kiddies are lucky to have you. Hugs to you! And I do hope things turn up better than you expect.

Posted by: Amanda at June 29, 2007 12:51 PM (ay+rD)

8 The stress and hurt of this situation would have me over the edge, Helen. Once upon a time, my therapist told me about "thank you for your opinion." It's her polite way of acknowledging another's right to talk, but not indicating that she will or will not do what another is suggesting - or continuing the conversation. Personally, I add a mental "now f- off and die" to the end of it I do wish that others would keep their opinions and cracks to themselves, especially when they're uninformed. So hard on all of you. I really hope this goes much better than forecasted and that the stress lightens. *hug*

Posted by: Opal at June 29, 2007 12:54 PM (Us7dd)

9 To quote a good friend of mine, that shit is fucked up, yo. All of it. I hope you guys can get it somewhat sorted out soon, and that you are pleasantly surprised by a less-negative reaction from her than you expect. And yes. If you weren't worried about being a parent, you would be doing something very very wrong. Please take care of yourself & the babies, even if it does mean buying stock in GlaxoSmithKline.

Posted by: Sarah at June 29, 2007 01:11 PM (Mn4PC)

10 Being a divorcee (remarried for over 27 years) I can so relate. I had two small children when we split and although the ex was a bit of bother and his parents were a huge pain in the backside, I still wouldn't let anyone say anything negative about him - especially in front of the kids. When my ex got re-married his new wife wanted children, and he didn't. She always resented that and never really warmed up to our children (which, of course, they could feel). She would post pictures all over their home of her nephew, but not ONE photo of our children. Finally, one year for Christmas I played the devils' advocate and had the kids give their dad nice framed photos of them. (Who said I played fair?) At any rate, I admire the fact that you ARE trying to be civil - even to the point of considering her feelings on how and when to bring the babes into the mix. Good for you. The brother-in-law? I hate people who give you the whole "kids are going to hell" thing... geez. Been down that road before, too. Try to get some relaxation - take care of yourself. The little ones need you. Well, the big ones do too - you're such a good mom / step-mom. Really.

Posted by: sue at June 29, 2007 01:15 PM (WbfZD)

11 I'm with you on avoiding the pile-on; although it feels good to be bitchy the ending result is that it hurts the kids. As someone who grew up with angry ex-wife issues hanging over the family (and still hanging over the family 30+ years later) I commend you for being strong enough not to stoke the fire. No matter how it goes with the ex - the lemon heads are a blessing not only to you & your family but to the world. Keep that knowledge tucked in your heart.

Posted by: cursingmama at June 29, 2007 01:53 PM (PoQfr)

12 Oh Helen, you are going to be such a good mother to your Lemonheads. Sift out all the crap and try to keep the positive karma flowing. Here: I'm sending you some 'good' right now....feel it?

Posted by: Marie at June 29, 2007 02:02 PM (v+Iku)

13 Family can be hard-real hard. Like Easy said, your (or any mom's) parenting skills is always up to debate by everyone-the trick is to not let it get to you. Easier said then done, I know all too well.... And I swear to god if a picture of you wearing cold cream ,a turban, and holding a wire hanger pops up on 365, I want to let you know Social Services is on speed-dial. Just sayin'.

Posted by: Teresa at June 29, 2007 02:14 PM (DROSH)

14 This shit sucks. That is all. I'm thinking mean thoughts. I'm a child of divorced parents, too, so I'd like to think I'm allowed since I've gone through all this crap as a child. Grr. Good luck on figuring it out and reducing the Tums popping.

Posted by: Jen(aside) at June 29, 2007 02:43 PM (u973k)

15 It's actually ok to bring that much crap with you on the train? Interesting. I'm guessing taxes are less over there? You can't get away with that crap over here, which I'm sure you know. I wouldn't want to buy booze in Canada anyways (other than to get the actual GOOD Molson) because of their taxes. As for being home alone at 14, I'm not sure how I feel about it. It happened to me regularly, and I honestly had no problem with it. I enjoyed the freedom and never really got into any trouble, but everyone's mileage may vary. Taking a cab home from the airport though? Creepy. In the US at least, I wouldn't trust many of our local cabbies any further than you could throw them. My advice, talk to Melissa about it and see how she felt. If she really was ok with it, don't make a big deal. The worst things when I was a kid is when one of my sets of parents would make an issue out of something that just wasn't for me. Big hugs to you girl, I know life is hard right now. Exs are hard and there's two sides to everything, and in the scheme of things, everyone is hurting, etc. One day maybe you'll look back at it all and laugh? I try to do that about my parents divorce. Sometimes I wish I could just send you some of the extra calm I have lying around. If anyone needs it, it's you!

Posted by: Dani at June 29, 2007 03:01 PM (OaLsK)

16 Coming out of the shadows to, first of all, say how very much I enjoy your writing and your candid, humorous approach to making sense of this thing called life. Amazing how a complete stranger can feel like such a kindred spirit. I don't know how you feel about astrology, but retrograde Mercury has been wreaking havoc on us all this month and many of the events of your life in the recent path correspond very closely with the effects of this celestial phenomenon (the churning up of your past, communication breakdowns, etc). I am sure that you can find oodles of explanations about this yourself, but here is one: http://astrologyzone.com/forecasts/monthly/aries_full.php. No more lurking. Kind wishes to you from across the pond.

Posted by: Gwyneth at June 29, 2007 03:34 PM (mSUnd)

17 You and Angus and all four kids live in Fucktardland. Ugh. I've been there. Not a pretty place to visit.

Posted by: andria at June 29, 2007 03:49 PM (Oo4k1)

18 Sweetie, all I can say is that I hope in a few years you'll be able to sit down with your wonderful boy and a good glass of wine and watch Melissa and Jeff playing with the Lemonheads and laugh loud and long over the anxieties you're feeling now. Wouldn't that be fun?

Posted by: caltechgirl at June 29, 2007 03:56 PM (qPLLC)

19 I think the better you are at mothering her kids the worse she will think of you. It seems to work out that way in the law of balance. I hope she reacts to the news of the babies with acceptance and begins to realize that no matter how horrible she behaves toward you and Angus you are in it for the long haul. I very much hope she doesn't take it out on the kids. It would also be nice to hear she'd decided to become an independent thinking person and go out and get a job. I am not one who would leave my 14 year old child home alone (worse still to have them come home to an empty house from a trip out of the country alone!) at all, especially not if I was away overnight out of the country. Wow. I do think it's a good idea to talk to Melissa and see if it bothered her as much as it would seem that it should. I can't imagine she would be comfortable with it, but I guess some children are much more independent and capable than others are. I would not have been comfortable in such a situation at 14, myself. I hope you're able to get some sort of stress relief. Stress + hormones + assholish behavior is not a good combination and I'm sorry for all that is weighing down what should be a magical time for you all.

Posted by: Lisa at June 29, 2007 05:10 PM (e8V7B)

20 Gotta say, the laundry thing never occurred to me. I'm probably speaking about something I know nothing about and should shut up now because my kids were grown when we divorced but I know me and I can just see me being the parent sending the kids home with dirty laundry sometimes and never thinking anything about it out of ignorance. I remember my ex's now-ex-wife throwing a fit when she moved in with him (our old home together, since I left everything with him) because I had not picked up my silver tea set my grandmother had left me and it was badly in need of cleaning. She was flat out outraged by me not taking care of it. Honestly, I'd just forgotten about it, lol! I had other things on my mind at the time. And as for leaving Melissa at home alone at 14 when you would have freaked out, yeah. I would have freaked out at 14 too; I was afraid of the dark and I would not have handled it well. However, I'll bet my Lucy would have sneered at all my fears just as Melissa did when you guys kept calling her and that's due to all that love and support she is getting from all sides. I get the impression that Jeff and Melissa are extremely well-adjusted and that's a tribute to you all. As for the ex, if she chooses to be so difficult, oh well, that's her loss. And if she gets upset about the Lemonheads, it's her problem, not yours. Babies make the world go 'round; how can anyone have a problem with it? I'm a little in Angus' ex's position in that I recently found out he and his fiance are adopting a little boy and he will be a legal brother to Lucy and Ray. If that's what they want to do, that's *their* life, their choice. No business of mine, for one thing, and for another, there are far more important things to get torqued about than someone (*gasp*) having children or bringing more love into this world. I could be all catty and shit and point out that he never pays attention to the kids he has already but what would good that do? Why cause strife? Why hurt him or anyone? All that being said, however, I don't like my ex's new fiance and I've never even met her. Just based upon what I've heard. And I'm sure his fiance dislikes me just as much. I've heard the stories he's told everyone about our breakup to his family and friends, it's obviously biased in his favor so to them, I'm a huge selfish asshole bitch. But to MY friends/family, my EX is the huge selfish asshole bastard. And so it goes. I have no point to make, really, just prattling, heh. You know, I keep seeing in movies these couples that split up and then everyone stays so friendly when they re-marry; they even all go rent cabins together or go on cruises together or whatever. One big happy family. But I have NEVER witnessed that in real life. Nope, everyone pretty much pretends to get along for the sake of the kids, but most people just wish the wish the divorced partner would drop off the planet somehow, I think. Well, at least I do sometimes, but I guess I'm horrible. ;-P I'm glad you have the blog to vent on. And man, your vino/booze take looks awesome! Sorry for the War & Peace comment but you know how I am. ;-P You know, I wish I could send you some of our wines and I totally would but the freight is OUTRAGEOUS to the UK! I sent some wine to a customer last year and it was well over $100 for just six bottles! Love ya! Wish I knew a way to help with the hair thing but I lost my hair like crazy when I was pregnant. It all came back in though after the baby was born. (okay, I'll stop, sorry)

Posted by: The other Amber at June 29, 2007 07:40 PM (zQE5D)

21 I'm with Caltech girl!

Posted by: kenju at June 29, 2007 11:10 PM (DBvE5)

22 I will just comment on the picture, you look fucking amazing, I love this picture! I look like that even when not pregnant!

Posted by: Cheryl at June 29, 2007 11:35 PM (ofEMA)

23 Dude. If you were mentally well, how the hell would this steamy love affair work? HOW? You know I was targeted by a certain person in my life and told in no uncertain terms that I wasn't going to love my son. Which was code for "you're going to be a shitty mother." I still carry that with me, but it's not some sort of reverse psychology thing that's projected on me. I am a fucking FANTASTIC mother. And not because I have to prove said person wrong. I am because it's what I want to be. And I am because I love that kid with every single ounce of everything that I am. If there's one thing that you can let yourself relax on, it's others telling you that in their own passive aggressive way, you're going to suck at parenthood. Sure, you'll do stupid things, but you're going to be a fucking FANTASTIC mother too. And you've already got great practice. And you're doing something right if Melissa is reaching out to you the way she is. If there's one thing that you can let go of eating at you, it's definitely that.

Posted by: statia at June 30, 2007 03:03 AM (lHsKN)

24 Hrm...you don't think his brother sent that email because maybe Angus's brother or his wife may have slipped up and accidentally already said something to the ex, do you?

Posted by: Tracy at June 30, 2007 04:34 AM (0rzA0)

25 I wasn't thinking, literally, dirty laundry in their suitcases, I thought he was speaking metaphorically with that comment. Either way, it wasn't his business to say it, but family always thinks your business is their business. I totally agree that the better mother you are the more the Ex will resent you, putting her in a bad light in relation and all that, so there isn't one damn thing you can do to fix any of it. I'm sorry you have the Big Announcement hanging over your head, this should be joyous news to all and it realy sucks that she is making it otherwise.

Posted by: Donna at June 30, 2007 05:16 PM (lQSbL)

26 Hi. I am worried about you, you seem so stressed out. Did you talk to your doctor? Are you seeing a therapist? While I am no specialist of divorce, you are doing a great job as a step-mother. I am sure the kids realize it. Try to ignore the Ex -- there is not much you can do about her. She is not going to change and become your friend. When I went through my reduction, which was certainly the worst time of my life, every one advised me to focus on the good thing: my baby. And it helped. Try to focus on the good things in your life Helen. You have found a loving mate, you have wonderful step children, and you have the Lemmonheads! OK, your house is not going to be featured in Great Homes, but you have found a place you love! OK, I know I am becoming preachy. THinking of you and the Lemmonheads

Posted by: marie-baguette at July 01, 2007 01:04 PM (BNqmF)

27 I wish you could be swept, to be spoiled and lazy, away until the storm blows over, with your chocolate and cheese in hand!

Posted by: Steff at July 01, 2007 01:48 PM (ECxJF)

28 There are more comments than I can read, so I may repeat what others have said--advance apologies. I have experienced the ex-wife saying things that are untrue, and I was so furious I wanted to spit. Unfortunately, it was the girls who repeated things to me, so I had to do the *no reaction while I seethe inwardly* thing. That was one of the hardest days I've had as a stepmom. We know, and just remind yourself that she will never have a great opinion of you, and it doesn't matter. She is wrong, and you are a great stepmother. I have no doubt--even though all I know about you comes from this blog. Your love and concern for Jeff and Melissa is clear from what you write. Hang in there and keep doing what you know is right.

Posted by: sophie at July 01, 2007 07:32 PM (1HOa8)

29 I'm with Tracy. As soon as I read about his brother insisting she be told NOW, I thought OMG - I think they've told her accidentally and have asked her to keep quiet until Angus officially tells her. Hope that's not the case! xx

Posted by: Flikka at July 01, 2007 11:35 PM (puvdD)

30 I haven't read the other comments. Helen, I worry constantly that should I someday get pregnant, that the evil bitch egg donor mother of my step-daughter will not take it well and that will be the kiss of death for my husband seeing his daughter. I suspect hubby feels it to, and that's a contributing factor to him not wanting children with me. Good luck, sweetie.

Posted by: wRitErsblock at July 03, 2007 01:59 AM (0Pi1o)

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