Yesterday was even worse than car tire puncture day. Much worse. In a meeting I was so incandescent with rage I nearly slammed my laptop shut, flipped my scarf over my shoulder, pushed on my sunglasses, slung my hot bag over my shoulder and declared in the perfect Joan Collins-haughty voice "That's it! I quit, and nothing you can say can stop me. Good DAY, gentlemen!" and then stormed out, slamming the door behind me.

Well, I wanted to do all that, but:

1) It's unprofessional. In this business, you meet the same sad sacks again and again, so you only burn bridges if you're truly prepared to piss on the burning ashes.
2) My laptop isn't working so well anyway, so it wasn't on the table.
3) My scarf is a fluffy giant Muppet-like thingy, so if I'd whirled it around my neck the end of it would've whiplashed around and taken my eye out.
4) I forgot my sunglasses in the car.
5) On the way out my bag would've fallen open and my Super Plus tampons would undoubtedly have gone rolling across the floor, like little white fiberglass Pillsbury doughboys.
6) We have those safety doors in our offices that you can't slam. They get really slow as they get closer to the frame, so that would've been me on the other side of the door, grunting and trying to pull the door shut in the most undignified way imaginable.
7) All that's followed up by the fact that I threw on my nice pair of black trousers and dashed to the train station. When I got to the station, I had to run for the train...and my trousers fell down. Like, fell down. Those bitches took one look at my hip bones and shouted "See ya!" as they hurtled towards my feet. I knew I'd lost weight, but I didn't know I'd lost that much. Once in London I had to stop and buy a belt just to keep the fucking things on, and I looked like Lil' Orphan Annie's less interesting cousin Lil' Potato Sack Mabel.

A good day, really.

But that's my job, my acupuncturist and my therapist have both agreed that I need to prioritize my state of mind over my corporate world, and who am I to disagree with two aging hippies professionals?

Angus and I are on a health kick (see: trousers falling off), and we're pretty hardcore about behaving with food (I would sell my grandma for some cheese right about now) and no alcohol during the week (sell you my other grandma for some of that, then you'd have a matching pair of grandmas and I'd have a cheese and wine party. Seems fair.) Along with the behaving comes TV programmes we watch. The BBC seems to have as many nutrition programmes as it has WWII programmes-What Not to Eat, You Are What You Eat, Eat What You Want and Still Look Hot, Beans Beans Are Good For Your Heart, and who the fuck knows what else. We seem to watch most of them. Generally most of them involve people that should have gotten thee to a doctor a long time ago (one woman was morbidly obese and had a permanent yeast infection under the folds of her stomach. I get it that she was embarrassed and ashamed of how she looked, but it was too much for me) getting abused by various nutritionists, dieticians, and physical therapists.

There's one show that we both quite like though, called The Truth About Food. We both think the show is well done, interesting, and they spend time debunking or confirming ideas that the diet world put into our heads. For example, they proved that fiber and vegetables really do help the digestive tract, as they fed a load of both to some truck drivers, and then had one of the truck drivers swallow a pill with a camera in it to follow the path of the digestive tract. The fiber really did push things through the body (or so I'm told-I don't do poop. I had to leave the room and plug my ears and desperately pretend I didn't see a shot of the pill entering a brown oozing goo before I'd left the room.)

One of the more interesting episodes was about sex.

Sex is always pretty interesting, I guess.

These diet shows are quite conscious of the fact that daily life is running our sex lives, everyone and their dog (and me!) have fertility problems, and in general there are a lot of myths about sex. One of the things they discussed was that if the male partner drinks three fruit or vegetable smoothies a day for a period of over three months, the sperm count can not only go up, but the quality of the sperm goes way up. Apparently if you have DNA abnormalities, they decrease by 40% just by drinking fruit or veggie smoothies.

That's a lot of fucking fruit, man.

But it worked.

They discussed PMS as well (sometimes called PMT over here.) PMS has a bad rap-I think most men don't really believe it exists, and many of us women get too psychotic to try to rationally discuss it with you when we do have it (I suffer PMS myself-I do get a bit cranky, the boobs get so big they rival Dolly Parton's, and if you get between me and the carbohydrates you may have to die. Once the period starts, all of these symptoms go away and I become the picture of goodness, harmony and light. NO REALLY, I DO.)

A dietician stuck a group of hardcore PMS sufferers on a high vitamin D diet. These women take the trophy in PMS suffering, they have the 500m freestyle in the Olympics. They make my PMS suffering look the synchronized swimming of the Olympics (you can tell me that synchronized swimmers need good lungs, and I get and respect that, but I still think it's a dumb sport). I'd heard this before-that a lot of vitamin D can help PMS, which is one of the reasons why I take a vitamin D and calcium supplement. The study revealed that a third of the test subjects had a significant reduction in PMS, so label that one true.

They de-bunked the myth that there are foodie aphrodisiacs-asparagus, oysters, strawberries, etc-don't really get your blood pumping. It gets pumping because you think it should do, as these are urban legend aphrodisiacs. They proved that men do get turned on by certain scents. I'd heard that American men get high levels of penile blood flow with pumpkin pie, and it was proven that that scent (as well as lavender) increased blood flow to the penis by 32% (just what are you men doing to the pastries at Thanksgiving, hmmmm?). Englishmen apparently get their donkey honking at the smell of apple pie (24% increase.) Across the board, 32% of men get a stonker just by smelling donuts and licorice, while for the ladies apparently our juices flow by 13% more with licorice and cucumber (which is strange, because I get the cucumber part, but I can't stand black licorice.)

You're probably wonder why I'm re-capping this, but I'm getting there. As with anything, I'm a bit slow. And I procrastinate. Maybe I'll go make some toast...nah, I'll do it later.

The one part of the programme that sticks with me the most was about the taste of sperm. Now, I don't mind drinking straight from the fountain-I am happy to drink there, sometimes I even get a bit thirsty for it, but I don't always want to do it as after all-it can't always be Christmas, right? It's a personal choice and while some people prefer to let their cup runneth over, for me I like a bit of spring water directly from the source (plus? If you do swallow? The gratitude you get is huge. I'm just saying.) It doesn't mean I think spooge is the best tasting stuff in the world, I don't want to get Angus all hot and bothered and use the liquid Angus juice as a salad dressing or anything (once an ex told me that one of his exes had asked him if he could ejaculate on her salad. He replied: I just don't find lettuce leaves that hot.), nor is it something that I want to dip my chips in. It just is what it is.

They decided to see if what men ate floated in to the little spermy dudes and influenced the taste-there's long been that urban legend that garlic will make it taste sweeter, and salt...well, it's supposed to do something, but I can't remember what. So they recruited three married couples (all American) to do a taste test. The men and women were seperated for a weekend, and the men put on specific diets-one was on seafood only, one was on fruit only, one was on hot and spicy foods. After three days, the men had to find the inside of a test tube very attractive, and then the test tubes were hand-delivered to the women.

Who drank out of them.

And here's where little old me-the one who's not bothered about playing in the sprinkler-gagged.

I did.

My gag reflex reached right up in my mouth and grabbed hold of my tongue. When one woman smacked her lips a bit, I had to smile to fight the gag reflex (it does work, actually). Then-I watched it, I couldn't even look away in time-she went back to the test tube for a second swig.

A second swig. I felt I could've done something, I could've moved off the couch and curled up in a fetal position under the sidetable, I could've screamed "For the love of God, no!". But I was unable to move, I was frozen, Keanu Reeves couldn't have even dodged bullets that slow. With her second swig I had to battle to keep the bile down.

See, now I get being there at the source. I'm ok with that. What feels weird to me is taking the junk second hand. That's just wrong. If it comes out and there's not something that's 98.6 degrees to catch it, then let it go. You aren't meant to drink it. It's like nuking a hot dog, getting the bun and the mustard ready, and then leaving the weiner to sit on the counter for a while without even putting it into the bun-it's not going to be good out of context.

The truth? It seemed inconclusive that the women could guess what the men ate. Two of the women got it right, one didn't, but then they did see the choices of what their men had been eating. The couples all had dinner, presumably while being all healthy and talking about what the men's sperm usually tastes like.

Lemme be clear on this.

Ladies? Your men's sperm tasted like sperm. That's all it tastes like.

You don't eat the cream filling if it's not in the Twinkie.

Now go get a hot-looking salad, but maybe you should rinse out that test tube first.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:08 AM | Comments (28) | Add Comment
Post contains 1883 words, total size 10 kb.

1 Well... uhmm... *ahem* No way am I commenting on THAT.

Posted by: ~Easy at February 01, 2007 12:29 PM (FKBK3)

2 i'm so glad all of your euphemisms had me cracking up, because when i got to the test tube part i just about gagged too.

Posted by: geeky at February 01, 2007 01:47 PM (ziVl9)

3 ugh. i found the finish to be truly appalling. but thanks for sharing.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at February 01, 2007 01:56 PM (+MvHD)

4 There's a proper order to things, and test tubes? Salads? Splattered on faces? NOT OKAY. NOT OKAY. Funniest thing; I'm not one bit hungry now.

Posted by: gennimcmahon at February 01, 2007 02:06 PM (QqF9v)

5 That second-hand drinking is DISGUSTING. I have to say tho, as a conessour (sp?) myself that I am scarily good at figuring out diet from taste. It's like a magic trick, but one I rarely get to brag about as it so often does not come up. The way to dilute the taste is frequency. All puns in this comment are unintentional.

Posted by: That Girl at February 01, 2007 02:20 PM (9n+JR)

6 I love your blog.. I try to read it daily..now I am going to throw my breakfast away...and I am sending you cheese and wine so your grandma's are safe...

Posted by: Monica at February 01, 2007 02:37 PM (ymIlL)

7 There should be no middle man (or woman) in the delivery of the substance to the taste buds. Simple as that. I may not ever look at a specicmen cup or test tube in the same way ever again--and I see them every day.

Posted by: sophie at February 01, 2007 03:42 PM (1HOa8)

8 I enjoy drinking from the fountain myself, but I think it has something to do with the "heat of the moment" as it were. Drinking it as an afterthought, out of a test tube (or anything else for that matter) is just plain gross. I would have run from the room, and it takes a lot to make me squimish. But somethings are just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Yuck.

Posted by: Teresa at February 01, 2007 03:50 PM (no8MC)

9 I'm with That Girl. I can tell some things about diet from taste. Mostly red meat. If there is an abundance of red meat, I can tell immediately. As for drinking it out of a test tube, that's disgusting, but at least her jaw didn't hurt afterwards.

Posted by: amy t. at February 01, 2007 04:19 PM (fm3Rv)

10 I'm with ~Easy. Check, please.

Posted by: Rob at February 01, 2007 04:38 PM (7JqtC)

11 Okay, I have another funny story involving this and for once, it doesn't involve me. My sister has been married for 15 years and has her husband fooled into thinking she swallows. She'll perform her lady's business on him and then hunt around for a towel or sock, whatever is handy, to discreetly dispose of the product of said business. FIFTEEN years she's been pulling the wool over his eyes; meanwhile, he's always bragging that he's got a wife that swallows. Not too long ago, she gave him a bj and there was no way for her to get rid of anything. So, she gave him a slightly coy (yet slimy) smile and slunk off to the bathroom. He followed her in there and starting asking her questions and she had to either: a) waste 15 years of covert operations by spitting in front of him b) swallow the spunk and move on with life c) TRY to swallow the spunk and gag in the process, spewing forth about five gallons of vomit at his feet. C was obviously her unintential choice Me, I'd rather just swallow. I don't relish the taste but it's not like I gargle with it or keep it in there long enough to really work out the flavors. And I get much bonus points for doing it. He likes it and I kinda get off on the power that it gives me. But drinking it out of anything else? Gag. No way in hell, buddy..just call me Lard Ass Hogan because I would be barfing all over the place.

Posted by: Lindsay at February 01, 2007 04:42 PM (TVKj1)

12 You might be interested in study that was in our paper this morning: lavender and melaleucca oils are found to make boy's breasts grow. The docs saw 3 boys who had breast enlargement and found out that their mothers had been using oils to soothe colds, etc.

Posted by: kenju at February 01, 2007 04:45 PM (L8e9z)

13 Uh...just READING that had my stomach turning. Eww. Definitely better straight from the source. And aren't those couple's families proud? Can you imagine being their kid and finding that someday? Eeks.

Posted by: Tracy at February 01, 2007 06:12 PM (rpUdy)

14 Okay, this just made me lol: You're probably wonder why I'm re-capping this, but I'm getting there. As with anything, I'm a bit slow. And I procrastinate. Maybe I'll go make some toast...nah, I'll do it later. ahahah...I thought, Noooooo! Nooooo! Don't go make toast! DON'T! heh.. Okay, I'm so with you on this, Helen. Hot from the source, great. But second hand? No thanks. It's like hair; hair is beautiful, right? Lovely, shining hair. OooOo! So pretty! Until it comes off your head and ends up in or on something. Like the shower wall, or on your food; anywhere other than where it should be. And then it's "eewwwww! Look at that DIZGUSTING HAIR!" Dan has this fantasy of giving me a facial and then watching while I wipe the stuff off my face, using my fingers and tongue, ingesting it cheerfully, noisely and enthusiastically. Okay, um...I tried this. Once. Never again. Now, don't get me wrong; unlike seemingly most women, I actually enjoy the facials very much. (Tip: keep eyes CLOSED for heaven's sake! lol) They are really nasty, really fun and absolutely harmless, and best of all, your guy will just love doing it, so women who have a problem with it, well...I don't get that. To each her own, however! But ingesting it *afterwards*? Ugh UGH! Gag city. I'm sorry, once it's out, it's no longer "hot". In more than one way. Sorry to burst the porn bubble, but all I want after the nasty hot fun facial is a towel, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! May not be porno "hawt" but it's tidy. *grins* And, just to show I'm not done grossing everyone out yet; Lindsay, sometimes I swallow but usually I'm like your sister; I hide it, making it seem like I did and if he doesn't ask, I don't tell. Tip: hold your tongue so it's blocking your throat (sort of fold it back and up). Keep jacking and "mmmm-ing" while he finishes. Then simply let it all drool out when you pull your mouth off and then jack some more so it sort of disappears into his skin, or your hands, or his lap, whatever. If there IS some left over, express amazement at the amount he put out! "Wow, there was something leftover from all THAT?" you squeak. "OMG! So virile! So manly!" Watch hubby puff up with male pride. Choking a little helps too. "You have MIGHTY SPEWAGE, my love!" *cough cough* heh (Does this make me bad? I don't think so; I think it makes Hubby one happy-assed-camper! heheeh) Okay, done grossing everyone out. Still, it's a good tip for those of us who were not born with a taste for spunk. heh. ;-P

Posted by: Amber at February 01, 2007 06:37 PM (zQE5D)

15 Thanks. I need to wash out my brain now.

Posted by: caltechgirl at February 01, 2007 06:49 PM (/vgMZ)

16 You're a nicer dame than I am, Amber-finishing on the face is the no here. If I wanted a face mask, I'd go to Lush. Pearl necklace I get, but the face? Nope. I once wound up with it in the eye, too, and I looked like I had pink eye for a week. And Rob, Easy? Sorry gents

Posted by: Helen at February 01, 2007 06:50 PM (PaWwU)

17 I was agreeing with the first comment from "~Easy".

Posted by: Rob at February 01, 2007 06:58 PM (7JqtC)

18 Oh no worries, Rob-I knew that. I realized with your comments that this post may be a wee bit oriented towards the ladieeeees, as opposed to being a free-for-all. I mean, unless you have something to add, of course. Not that there would be anything wrong with that.

Posted by: Helen at February 01, 2007 07:18 PM (PaWwU)

19 Helen, I was having a crappy day at work before I stumbled onto this post. Thanks for the much needed belly laugh. And now I need to follow caltechgirl into the brain washroom.

Posted by: physics geek at February 01, 2007 08:00 PM (KqeHJ)

20 "I mean, unless you have something to add, of course." No, I think I'll assume this crew pretty much has it covered. My limited areas of expertise lie elsewhere. I make a good cup of coffee and I can grill chicken thighs.

Posted by: Rob at February 01, 2007 08:16 PM (7JqtC)

21 I've got to agree with Rob and ~easy: the first part of this post was pretty good, but the rest was definitely for hardcore chicks only. Ugh. That's okay, it's your blog and I just have to accept the risk that occasionally you'll post something here that will turn my stomach. As you once put it, I never know what I'll find here when I lift the lid off and peek in... Hopefully your shittiest days are behind you, for now. And I agree with your therapist - your mental health should take priority over your corporate health. You have enough talent and common sense to make it anywhere you have to.

Posted by: diamond dave at February 01, 2007 11:25 PM (kjVf/)

22 I too was giving up drinking during the week to lose some weight. But I am cheating - no beer this week but have had some vodka. Happy to report that I still lost 2 lbs. Don't think I could have watched that show. funny post - yucky topic.

Posted by: sara at February 02, 2007 03:53 AM (TVjJP)

23 I just don't find lettuce leaves that hot. Fucking priceless. Fountain is fine, I even swallow and think its OK, but out of a test tube ON TV for Christ's sake, that's just wrong.

Posted by: Donna at February 02, 2007 04:00 AM (lQSbL)

24 You don't eat the cream filling if it's not in the Twinkie. Words to live by.

Posted by: stanpaul at February 02, 2007 05:57 AM (m6L7M)

25 I want a twinkie. I wonder if Albertsons is still open...

Posted by: Some Girl at February 02, 2007 06:36 AM (nwAP3)

26 I just don't find lettuce leaves that hot There goes the salad tonight then. How am I possibly going to make a side salad for husband and my mother (my mother!!) without cracking up.

Posted by: Caroline M at February 02, 2007 09:47 AM (x3QDi)

27 In a former life I made candles and held private parties (a la Tupperware) to sell them. One of these parties was for a large group of lesbiens during which I sold out of cucumber melon. I know it sounds like a joke, but Helen's discussion on the scents men and women like made me think of it. BTW, it was one of the best candle parties I ever hosted. We all had a blast. And Helen, babe, I love you - you're the most awesomest, bestest blogger out there - but the ewey gooey from the test tube? Gag me with a spoon!

Posted by: Ice Queen at February 05, 2007 05:40 PM (Lyl8J)

28 Many years ago, I was having a serious chocolate craving and I pounded a whole bag of Reisen in an afternoon. Later that evening, my girlfriend 'drank from the fountain' and she could taste the chocolate. We repeated that several times ('cause, I mean, how could that be bad for me??) For a while there was a company that sold a product that was supposed to change the taste. I forget the name, but I do remember looking for them online a year or so ago and not finding them... (they advertised on the Opie and Anthony radio show.) I suspect it works for some guys with some food in some situations, but it's not always repeatable.

Posted by: Clancy at February 05, 2007 06:03 PM (X+xFB)

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