My entire life my face has given everything away.

I'm one of those people who couldn't have a poker face if thrust a fireplace tool up my nose and tried. I don't know what it is about me, but apparently I give away my every thoughts every time I have one (which is often, as my brain is generally going 1,000 mph). Maybe it's my eyes, maybe they hold up a sign saying "Angry-back off now!" Maybe I twitch my mouth in a "Jesus, what a stupid idea!" manner. Perhaps my cheeks radiate a "I really like you" glow.

My team always used to know when I was pissed off and I never knew how they knew that. We'd be in a meeting and someone would report something, and within moments people would be looking at me with that "Whoa dude-she's going to blow" look. And in general, they'd be right. But I thought I was sitting there looking as cool as a cucumber, they couldn't possibly know I was about to blow a gasket.

Yet they did.

So I never get to hold cards close to my chest. For this reason, I'm not a poker player. Well, ok, I lied-I'm also not a poker player because I simply cannot ever remember if a flush beats a straight and all of those tiers, and if you play a game where you throw in wild cards I'm really fucked as I generally forget what they all were, so I could have been sitting there with a hand consisting of 4 aces, but if I forget that whole "2s and 4s wild" bit, then I throw away good hands.

That, and apparently my face lights up when I get a good hand.

Screwed, you see.

I decided over the weekend that I'm going to work on being more inscrutable. Inscrutable is good. Inscrutable will give me an edge. I'll have an aura of mystery about me now, people in my real life will have to regard me with caution and amazement as they cluck their tongues and remark: I simply never know what that woman is thinking. What an enigma.

You know, instead of how I am today, which is more emotionally obvious than a Mr. Men or Little Miss book.

I decided to start yesterday. I had an absolutely full day of meetings in central London, some of which were the first meetings I would have with some of my new project team, which I'd only been communicating with via email and telephone prior to yesterday. I figured-new team, new chance to be Little Miss Inscrutable.

Heading into one of the conference rooms, I exuded confidence (I thought, anyway). I would be suave. I would not give everything away in my face. I would be Little Miss Mystery.

I walked to a conference room, only it wasn't the room I'd booked. Where was the room I'd booked? I wandered around the hallway confused, much like you do if your car gets towed-you wander around in the now empty parking space sure you left the car right there, so how could it no longer be there? I did exactly that-I wandered around the end of the hallway, sure that the conference room was supposed to be there. So why wasn't it where I'd left it?

I went back to the concierge.

"Are you all right?" asked the nice concierge.

My face was clearly in the Little Miss Confused mode.

"Yeah, I just...do you know where room 112 is?"

"Yes, it's been re-numbered to room 116," he replied kindly.

"Oh. Thanks!" I replied, and headed for the room with the numbering identity problem.

I entered the room and shook hands with my new team. "I'm Helen," I say, introducing myself. I settle in, turn on the laptop, and reach for the skinny blueberry muffin I'd picked up to munch on.

"I thought Americans always watched their weight," one of the new guys said in a merry "I mean exactly the opposite" kind of way.

I consciously tired to ensure that my face did now show Little Miss Fuck Off.

"We do. This is a low-fat muffin," I say brightly. I decided I would be Little Miss Accommodating to Your Provincial Humor.

"No offense," he added hastily, looking at me.

I see I failed at pulling off inscrutable already, and it's my first meeting of the day.

At my next meeting, I decide to try again. Clean slate, new start to being unreadable. I head for the meeting once again with my head held high and the confidence that I can be a new Helen, one that doesn't give away her every thought.

"Hi, Helen," my colleague greets me.

I exude Little Miss Confident.

"Are you feeling ok? You look like you're going to be ill," he inquires kindly.

Shit. I fucked up Little Miss Inscrutable again.

"Me? No, I'm fine," I smile. He continues to look confused. "Ok, maybe a little bit ill," I lie. I wasn't remotely ill, but I didn't want to tell him that yesterday was an exercise in getting my poker face on and I am batting 0-2.

We discussed planning objectives for the project. I reported on one element of the project, he reported on another. He agreed to take one angle that would be a lot of work.

He looks at me. "I can see you're pleased about that."

I am Little Miss Tails Wags Like a Puppy, So Please Throw the Tennis Ball Again.

I get home. Angus looks at me. "You look tired," he says. "Can I get you anything?"

I give up.

Little Miss Inscrutable can go to hell.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:29 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 952 words, total size 5 kb.

1 That's strange. From reading about you and Angus I'd thought that scruting was something you did as often as possible. Why would you want to be inscrutable?

Posted by: ~Easy at May 23, 2007 11:33 AM (X+de8)

2 lol... hilarious!!!

Posted by: Andria at May 23, 2007 12:49 PM (Oo4k1)

3 I'm not sure if I'm generally easy to read, but I do know that sometimes having readable expressions can come in handy. I love leveling people with my "eat shit and die" look, and they always get the message without me having to say a word!

Posted by: geeky at May 23, 2007 01:07 PM (ziVl9)

4 First, loved those books when I was a kid! Second, I worked hard to get my poker face early in my career because I was always letting my employees know when I thought they were idiots and that really is a morale buster. So I mastered the art of the poker face and sadly it has carried into my personal life. Now my husband says he can never tell what I'm thinking. That's good sometimes, and bad sometimes. Of course, it works well when dealing with difficult people in my life (ahem, read: family) that I can't tell to go to hell.

Posted by: donna at May 23, 2007 01:11 PM (7p8OG)

5 I am so glad that I'm not the only one that is like this... I hate the fact that I'm easier to read than a copy of "Goodnight, Moon".

Posted by: amber at May 23, 2007 01:14 PM (HCbA1)

6 You have such a great way with words. Thanks for making me smile today.

Posted by: Lisa at May 23, 2007 01:42 PM (ELUjU)

7 I've never had a poker face either. I seem to wear my emotions on my sleeve.

Posted by: kenju at May 23, 2007 02:27 PM (DBvE5)

8 My face can be read like a book...and my sarcasm does not help. Oh well... you are still funny!

Posted by: Steff at May 23, 2007 03:03 PM (fIFtd)

9 I like to tell Dan that I'm "mysterious" and no one knows what I'm thinking. Then I have to step back as Dan laughs so hard he falls over laughing. "Amber, you're about as 'mysterious' as a sheet of glass." *sniffs* I AM mysterious, damn it! It's a MYSTERY as to what I am thinking at ANY GIVEN MOMENT! NOBODY KNOWS BUT *ME*! Sheet of glass, bah. People have to GUESS with me, they have to GUESS! I'm THAT hard to read! Damn straight.

Posted by: The other Amber at May 23, 2007 03:41 PM (zQE5D)

10 I am totally transparent too. I once even got voted out (or whatever they do in court - challenged to be removed?) from a jury panel because I kept rolling my eyes at the jurors trying to get out of duty with lame excuses. I mean hey, none of us want to be there but it's obnoxious when it takes a full day to get through jury selection for a minor case because every single one of you knows someone that did something once or your cousin's neighbour is a cop.

Posted by: Lee at May 23, 2007 04:37 PM (lN4Rc)

11 This may sound strange from just looking at your pictures and never having met you face-to-face, but it looks as if your eyes give away your emotions. Without looking at captions or comments, your eyes seem to accurately mirror whatever mood you were in when the pictures were taken. Hope that observation doesn't come across as too creepy. Myself, I think my tone of voice gives me away. Especially when someone or something pisses me off, it is usually revealed in my tone. I also tend to grab my head when I get stressed.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 23, 2007 08:32 PM (bOmph)

12 Yep, I'm transparent, too. Not a thing I can do about it. Some people just can't do the fake faces! In the book I'm reading (The Blight Way), the protagonist decides to practice his "warm face" in front of a mirror in an effort to win over a woman. Once he has perfected it tries it out on her, at which point she says "You looked terrible there for a second. I thought you were going to erp all over the table."

Posted by: BeachGirl at May 23, 2007 10:21 PM (RgeoX)

13 My kids love those Mr. Men books. My husband lived in England as a child and his mother kept a ton of English children books. I'm with you....everything seems to show on my face.

Posted by: Kali at May 24, 2007 03:51 AM (ycWs9)

14 I laughed out loud at "Little Miss Fuck Off". Sounds like what my son calls my Mean Face, which I never direct at him. Only douchebags and assclowns need apply for that scowl, but I expect that they remember it well, especially when they wake up screaming and sweating in the dead of night from the nightmarish memories.

Posted by: physics geek at May 24, 2007 06:20 PM (MT22W)

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